Ok, I'm not going to jump directly into this post before I explain a litttle more about myself. I'm labeled a junior in high school and only several people that I know in person know that I'm gay. I've had one boyfriend and I've began losing interest in men. Although, I'm not gaining any interest in women, either. I also have a slew of personality disorders which cause extreme social anxiety and myself being overly critical (to an extreme), skitzotypical, avoidance, and dependence. Anyway, recently in my Spanish class, some girl that I've only known for three weeks and have had very little conversation with recently randomly came up to me and asked if I was gay (in front of everyone). I tried acting nonchalant and what not but, I think I failed horribly as she completely took me by suprise. The reason I'm ashamed is because I told her that I wasn't gay. Then, she quickly changed the subject. I don't know why I'm not proud when I'm with people who are flesh and bones but I've been "out" online for years. Generally, I'm the type of person who isn't teased because (according to my friend Kelly) I'm "too nice." Although, criticism damages me emotionally more then anything ever has. I've seen horror stories about people spray painting the words "faggot," "queer," and other vulger names. I don't think I'd be able to accept that without breaking down. I'm still disturbed by the fact that I was too selfish to lie to her and say that I wasn't gay and deny who I really am when I'm completely open to other people. As far as I can tell, she's one of the nicest people I've met. I've thought about asking to talk to her before Spanish starts tomarrow and talk to her. I'm really not sure what I am anymore. I don't know if I'm really gay. I know I'm not straight but, I don't feel like I'm attracted to men nearly as much as I used to be. What am I soposed to say? I've thought about just telling her that I'm asexual but, that'd be selfish because I'm not sure if it's true. I don't want to say something and then have her later find out that it was a lie, I'd feel horrible, I feel horrible, now. I'm sorry for ranting on and what not but, I don't usually talk much about myself (and when I do, I drag on). Will talking with her make things worse? I'm sure that words already spreading that I'm gay because of my reaction so, I'd have to weigh the consequences. If I don't talk to her, everyone will think I'm gay. It'll eventually come out that I really am gay. I lose my reputation and be labeled a liar. I'll be treated differently by a lot of people. If I talk to her, she'll end up thinking I'm crazier than I already am. Nothing may happen and it may only reinforce previous notions given to her by my reaction. I may screw up and end up spilling my heart out. Well, I have to make dinner before my mother walks in. I'm not really sure where I'm trying to go with this post other then ask what to do...?
well, I can relate to the way you feel ... I knew I wasn't straight since I was 13 years old, but never told anyone, and when asked, would deny being gay or bisexual. Even to this day i deny it. I do feel ashamed to 'lie' to people ... my friends, my family ... I just don't feel like I could deal with an 'out of the closet' lifestyle. I'm bi, so i'm attracted to males, but I plan on marrying a woman, having children, doing that whole thing ... so I figure why make a big deal out of it. At least that's my situation. My advise to you would be not to talk to her about it ... You seem very sure of yourself ... If your not ready to come out publicly about your sexuality than don't. You need to feel comfortable with yourself, and with you decision. Best of luck to you.
I agree.. feel comfortable with yourself first. You don't need to rush into telling people who you are if you don't feel comfortable with it. You're allowed to keep things from people; they don't need to know everything about you if you aren't comfortable with them knowing. But, honey, to thine own self be true. Don't be ashamed of who you are because that just makes things worse for you. Good luck with everything, dear. All wounds heal with time.
I don't really honestly know if I'm ready or not. In ways, I don't care if they know or not and I could probally take words to an extent. Except, actions speak louder then words and if someone started to harass me because of it or if someone did something like mentioned in my previous post, I probally wouldn't be able to take it very well. I'd like to be out but, I'm afraid of people who don't understand or just don't care.
