husband coming to terms with the "everyone is a little gay" concept...

being married to me and all. he's never looked at a man and seen something sexy or doable. coming from the family he does, that really wouldn't be a big deal. his aunt is fully gay, his mother is bi and they lived with her girlfriend for a while. so it's not anathema to him. he just doesn't see anything sexy. however, he's not attracted to women on an emotional level at all. frankly, he can't stand them. over the nearly ten years we've been together, his favorite phrase is "you're just like a man, but with female parts." and wondered on a purely philisophical level if that makes him gay. he was so completely frustrated and disgusted with dating women that he just stopped altogether except for the occaisional scratching of the proverbial itch. this prompted his mother to have a sit down with him to dicuss the possibility of his being gay.

so basically, while being physically unattracted to men altogether, emotionally he only desires masculine companionship. a drinking buddy, someone to check out girls with, someone who understands what he's talking about from the same perspective. thankfully, he met me.

kinda nice how that works out, huh?

 

I've just had a go at some one in another forum for making sweeping statements so I must be careful how I put this!

I think a lot of men are very comfortable with relating to there own sex, because theres comfort in familerality, if more striaght men where honest I'm sure they would say they love their male friends, but that doesn't make them gay, if they are not sexually attracted to the male form.

I guess you hubby feels he has a male friend and a lover wrapped up in you, maybe you need to remind him sometimes that you are a women and he needs to acknowledge that, when was the last time he brought you flowers?
S

 

he does that often, acually. he'll be driving along and will see a flower that he thinks i'll like and he bring it to me. i like those the best, roadside weeds, but theyre so pretty.

 

you know, when you think about how long term relationships must first derive from a sense of spiritual connection, the inability to develop a spiritual connection to one of the opposite gender could really inhibit a person's ability to ever develop a healthy, long lasting and satisfying relationship. my first attraction to dave wasn't really physical, it was more psychic in connection. he walked in and i started buzzing. but he wasn't much to look at. not my type at ALL. hell, i can remember the moment he became physically beautiful to me, 4 months into our relationship and after i'd been living with him for over a month. i was sexually attracted to him only because my soul did a happy dance whenever he was around. but i must say, i look at some of his old pictures and just go "oh my LORD. wtf? he's a goofy looking bastard." my friends would tease me a bit, ask why the hell i was dating him, it seemed really unbalanced. i hated the way he dressed, too, though i said nothing. what i'm saying is that our relationship wasn't begun with physical attraction, that came later. i wonder how many dissatisfied heteros out there would find something to fulfill them if they weren't wearing blinders put there by shame and culture. not everyone is physically attracted to their own sex, and that's cool, but i wonder how many of them are but shy away from it.

 

A dear friend of mine once said,
'Is the person you are opening to on the spiritual path?'
I still find that invaluable advice... does our energy click,
regardless of how someone appears.

 

Nicely said. I'm not big on generalizations either and I think I've seen the OP post a whole thread about the 'everyone's a little gay' before. I understand the perspective because I've explored the thought myself but I think in application and analysis of other people it's best not to put anyone in a box because sometimes you end up seeing things from only the perspective of your hypothesis or try to fit things into it that hypothesis that could easily fit elsewhere or be explained away differently

Now you do know your husband better than any of us, so you are a better judge as I'm just going by what's been posted so you probably do have more insight than we do but I'm just saying becareful at seeing what you want to see. From the limited discriptor given, your hub sounds very much like mine but he's(my hub) definatley not even a 'little bit gay'. Just as, because I tend to be more masculine compared to most woman doesn't make me a 'little bit trans'.

I speak from my own perspective here as someone who's explored this kind of train of thought, applied it to people close to me and realized that not only was it irrelivant it just caused an undo fuss in my own mind as I tried to prove things.

Just my two coppers on the broader scope of the topic

 

I have recently had the "little gay" discussion. When I was a teenager, I used to envy people who were bi-sexual. I felt that they were in a much more open mindset than me. The outer shells did not matter because it was only someone's spirit and personality that was the attraction.

Now, I see things in a different light. I see male and female traits in everyone I meet. I delight in the seeing how the mixture of traits play themselves out. I have been called a tom-boy and also ultra-feminine. My partner has both strong masculine and feminine traits. I love that he is comfortable sharing his feminine side with me. And I love that I can burp in front of him.

Another issue I think about is clothing. Standards for clothing in the mainstream are much more restrictive for men. I love to see a man in a long skirt dancing and spinning away.

I wish that there is a way to do away with sweeping generalizations. For myself, if I try to meet others wherever they may be in life's journey. I agree with Andrew's friend's question...don't we all want to meet each other on a similar path.

 

well I tend to make deep meaningful connections with other women not men, or should I be saying I make different emtional connects to women than I do men?

I am not at all straight and desire a sexual and intimate relationship with a man, so I suppose the difference is, with women its a feeling of kinship, people that are like me, because I am very fem and with men its a feeling of balance.

Sounds like your husband KC but the oppersite.

to be honest rereading this thread I feel that you both have a relationship most people would envy, relationships that are based on physical attraction only rarley last, and you both have the strengh to look beyound that into each others soul- sounds like you have a good relationship KC.
S

 

well, all this makes it a concept, and not a rule, else i'd have called it a rule. dave was raised in a severely homophobic (male homosexuality) environment. he's managed to come to adulthood without the nearly inevitable hatred and fear that one could adopt, growing up in that environment. but he truly couldn't for the life of him understand how ANY man could ever be attracted to another man. he just couldn't grasp the concept, due to his learned anti-gay knee-jerk reactions. our life together is something really special, and i'm truly happy for that. and i think perhaps i've helped him to understand quite a bit about human sexuality and about shaking off arbitrary training.

 

Most people growing up in the 50's & early 60's had that same environment, even in cosmopolitan places.

 

I relate to women more than men

 

This is an interesting topic, just shows you how complex the relations between the sexs (same or different) are. I tend to make friends who are more feminin than masculine, so naturally I have more female friends but also I have a male friends with female traits. This is kind of hard to explain but I have this one male friend who is more fem than man, but he doesn't act 'gay' and is even straight! Now when it comes to people with masculine qualities (whether their sex be male or female) I want to compete against them rather than be their friend. So from what I can tell everyone has feminin and masculine in them and it's the personality that dictates which sex is more prevelant.

 

I'll second that one as well ( Get out of my head!!! ) A good relationship is a rare thing! Kudos.

I'm one of the lucky ones as well.

 

yeah, me and dave have it really good. we're best friends and spouses, a rare and truly wonderful arrangement.