Im curious about what people really think about this topic. I have some motivation for asking. I have a friend in a situation that is often volitile to say the least. Without going into great detail, it is obvious to me anyway that she could be in some real danger at some point in the future if she stays with this person. I am not sure what to tell her. Having been in a bad relationship myself, the old advice *leave* just doesn't roll off the tounge as easily as it did before my experience. People (family/friends) had that advice for me. But when you have no where to go, no money, no car, two infats with medical issues to care for, and not a pot to piss in, *leave* is not realistic. Specialy when those doling out the advice did so without open doors. Yeah you can press charges, file a restraining order, and very quickly run out of food, money to pay the rent, and medication because you live in BFE(with no car) The nearest shelters to her are the same ones I avoided at ALL costs for all the same reasons she gave me. There are 18 in this three county area. ALL are full save for two in Central PHX(bad bad place to be) I got out of mine, but it was not easy, it was emotioanlly and physically the most draining thing I have ever had to deal with. And I feel it should not have been, I did nothing wrong. If this was your friend, what would you tell her? Again, Im just curious. I think that abuse in relationship/family situations is often a back door issue, and an every other door problem. thanks!
Call a woman's center for advice. They can help you, and they have all of the resources at their fingertips.
Depends on my situation. If I did have a pot to piss in, I'd offer her my couch (symbolically -- realistically it would be much more than a couch, considering the two infants). And I'd ask what the hell is wrong with her so-called family. Frankly, I have no fear of ever being in that position, because my family would have my back, take me in, and help in any way they could to let me get back up on my own two feet. I'd also suggest contacting a women's center or even contact one of the shelters. Despite the fact that she has good reasons for not wanting to live in one of the shelters, they should know all of the aid that she might possibly be eligible for -- after all, their job is to help women move out of the shelter, right? If they could help her get on the list for subsidized housing and tell her how to start the procedures to get welfare aid, she could bide her time with the ass until she is offered an opening...
The most dangerous time for a womyn in an abusive relationship is while and right after she leaves. This is when the most severe abuse, and the murders and attempted murders usually take place. She needs to be safe. I have no idea what resources are available in your area. WHY does she not want to go to a Woman's Shelter. I can see not wanting to go to a Homesless Shelter, but Women's Shelters are different, and usually hidden. (I've donated food, clothing, money and time to the one in our area, and they are very careful who they even let do this, much less who they let know WHERE the shelter is.) The internet, the phone book, even local emergency rooms will have references for her. It is HARD to leave. Some womyn think (often with good reason) "the devil they know is better than the devil they don't." but abuse usually only gets worse, and she needs to think of herself. Also, many abused womyn were raised to not value themselves at ALL, that's how they continually get picked by abusive men, these guys can spot a low self esteem girl at 1000 feet, so they often don't even think they "deserve" to live a healthy life. Many abused womyn will put up many obsticles to her own release, because, again, she doesn't think she deserves to get away, or get help. They will often, at least at the beginning, put themselves in a "there is NOTHING I can do, so I may as well stay with him" mode, as they most likely saw their own mothers do the exact same thing. Again, help will help her grow the self esteem to do what she needs to do. There are cases of men reforming from Domestic Abuse, but, THEY have to want to as well. Shelters don't just tell every womyn "leave the bastard" that simply isn't how they work. In less violent situations, they actually work to help the couple get along better, in more violent situations, where staying together could be deadly, they do what needs to be done. But, she needs to stop making excuses for not getting help. As her entire life has probably been based on making excuses for the abusive people in her life, THIS will be the most difficult thing for her. She needs to talk to a doctor (who by law HAS TO report Domestic Abuse and get the victim help) or a counselor. She does deserve to get away, and in the most safe way possible.
if the local shelters are not an option (and I can't begin to guess what reasons either of you would have for avoiding them, the whole reason they are there is to help women in this sort of situation), I'd suggest a women's shelter in a neighboring town, but not across state lines. They can help her line up work, and a lawyer, and get her psychological help as well. If she's not willing to help herself, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do for her. Just let her know that if she needs you all she has to do is ask. The worst thing anyone can do is give her unwanted advice right now. Tell her she has the answers inside herself, and leave it at that if she asks for advice or your opinion about the situation.
I would suggest being there for her even when she makes a phonecall. Make her some tea while she calls around and examines her options.
