I'm pregnant and the father's wishy-washy

This may be a little disjointed, for which I'm sorry.
I know the father is scared and therefore not completely rational, and I know I'm hardly the first person to deal with this, but it still blows.
I moved 6 hours away to be with a guy, and now that I'm unexpectedly pregnant and keeping it, he's gone insane, which I suppose is to be expected.
At first he was totally against it, and I was planning on moving out and being a single mother. Then he decided he couldn't do that, that he'd love the baby and wanted it, and I was staying.
Now he's pulling 'you moved here to be my roommate, that's all you are,' as if we'd never had the sex that created this kid in the first place. He's saying he never loved me, never cared and is looking for a 'real' girlfriend. (I never called myself his girlfriend. I didn't really care about formalities, I just know how he treated me, which was more than a housemate.)
The thing about all this though, is I know tomorrow he'll be in father-mode again, and in a week it'll be abort-it mode, and I don't know what to do. My instinct is to just move back home and be a single mother if he's going to treat me this way, but then I feel bad depriving him of his child. I'm really too confused to figure any of this out, especially with him constantly changing his mind. I'm afraid of raising a baby on my own, of potentially forcing him to be a deadbeat dad, but I'm also terrified of his ever changing whims.
I'd appreciate anyone who could offer advice, anyone who's been there, especially guys who can give some insight. Thanks.

 

Well finding out you have a baby on the way, especially if not prepared for it can be pretty un-settling. It does not give him a right to an ass about it though. However, you might want to at least let things settle down and let him get used to the idea. Sometimes seeing your baby has a way of making a lot of the insecurities go away. I am not sure if you are interested in being together with him or not but either way you should try to include him in the babies life. This would be for your kid not him. You have really no say in what kind of parent he will be though. If you need the extra support you could get at home then go for it. He will have to man up and decide he wants to be there for the kid and maybe you if it works out that way. Don't worry about what he does and take care of the things you can control.

 

I can sympathize with this one, but I won't go into depth about my little soap opera.

For one, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Secondly, I'd say to try and work things out... not as a couple but as parents. The well-being of a child has nothing to do with your love life. If he doesn't want to be together, then so be it. Don't let him drag you down by saying things that makes it seem like you fault. If it's better, then go home. Request that he have some responsibilty for the child he helped create (as much as I hate to say it, child support). If one second he wants to be there, support him in that. When he is screaming about abortion, ignore him or tell him that you'd like to keep it and whether or not he likes it, it isn't up to him. So make it clear that it's not -HIS- decision on whether you keep it or not (though, sitting and talking about it RATIONALLY might make him feel better...).

It's a hard situation.

If you end up a single mother, there are plenty of places that are more than willing to help you!

Love to you, and I hope the best for you!

 

Thank you both so much for taking the time to help.
I'm more than willing to let him father, if that's what he decides. I don't need to be with him for that. It's just that if he decides to throw me out, I have to move across the province and that doesn't allow him to see the baby. Meanwhile, I can't stay with him and argue until he figures it out. I'm terribly excited to have this baby and am not going to let all the stress make me miscarry.

 

Yea, you definately don't need further stress. If he is being an ass just move. He may or may not decide to be a part of the babies life but you can't take abuse just to ensure he is around. It would be better for you and the baby. I don't know how long he has had to think this all through but if it has been less then a month you may want to let it settle before moving just to see. If he kicks you out then the decision is made and you have to think about yourself at that point. He will have to decide himself on the amount of involvement he will have in the whole thing. If he cuts you out of his life, file for child support and take care of yourself and the baby.

 

i admire your resolve in wanting to put your child first. this guy needs to figure it out, seriously. i could be wrong, but maybe putting some distance between you two might actually help ease the stress. also, it sounds like he just doesn't know what he wants out of life and doesn't know how to cope with changes very well. if he keeps pushing you to have an abortion and you do not want to, it kinda shows that maybe he never truly cared for you as much as he said he did in the first place. also the fact that now suddenly, because things aren't easy anymore, he says he never loved you, it says to me that maybe the feeling was never truly present to begin with. i'd say in this case put you and your little one first, and escape the drama to the best of your ability. maybe he'll figure it out, and maybe he won't. either way, you do what's best for you and your baby.

 

Hey, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. My daughter's dad is a prick. lol That's all I gotta say about that. I live with him still, our daughter is 11 months old, he's here about once or twice a week. We hate eachother, like.. I know that's a strong word.. but we HATE eachother.

Honestly, I think he's screwing with you. He's probably doin the same crap mine did "I love you lets have sex" and then right after that "No, this is my girlfriend. Our daughter isn't worth being around you."

When it all seems like it's not worth it anymore... it'll be okay. Char left me over and over again, ever time we got back together, there was always someone else in about an hour. The truth is, when I gave up on love, I found out it was right in front of me the whole time. I'm engaged now, to someone I knew for five years. Don't worry girl.. you'll find it.



When I was ready to give up on love... that's when it came.

 

My boyfriend REALLY freaked out when he first found out I am pregnant. He pretty much hated me for 3 months. During that time, he would go from "I guess it won't be so bad to be a dad" to "Abort it, and we're over". He put me through pure hell....telling me I'm ruining his life and how he doesn't want to be a dad....and yes, he hated me.
But, after that, and after a nice heart-to-heart with his mom then one with me, he came around. He isn't upset anymore. He tells me all the time he can't wait for our daughter to get here so he can play with her and love her and raise her to be a good person. He's also appologized over and over for putting me through what he put me through.
If you think you can handle what he has to dish out....and in the end know that he'll be a man and stick around....then stay with him. It's a big slap to the face that you're having a kid when you're not really ready and didn't really plan on it.
If you think he'll continue to be up and down with you and stress you out, get out now. He may come around AFTER you have your baby. He may want to be a part of your baby's life....but he'll have to see the baby to really feel that way?
You two don't have to be in a relationship for him to be a father.

 

Brian freaked out when we got the positive test. But he actually didn't do it in front of me, because I was freaking out more than he was. It was 4 in the morning, I was bawling and shrieking, and just completely out of it. And poor Brian kept himself calm during all of this, trying to keep me calm and reassure me.

But he says he freaked out while he was at work.

Let him know that if he doesn't make up his mind soon, you'll leave. To let him know how serious you are, tell him that if he's certain he doesn't want to be a part of this baby's life, he can sign his rights away as soon as s/he's born. And never has to see you or the baby.

But like MoonFlower says, some guys just need that much time for it to sink in and seem like a good idea.

 

I wish I could get the father to sign his rights away.

 

Try to have a calm, adult conversation with him about this child and it's future, and both your future with it. Voice your concerns and give him a chance to think about and voice his. Let him know that you understand and empathize with his concerns and stresses over this. Maybe have the conversation over a nice meal together and do your best to be non-confrontational about it. Make him understand that the both of you have important and life-altering decisions to make and that you guys need to start making them now. If it starts to get heated then continue the conversation later, but you HAVE to get through this conversation sometime. If he absolutely refuses to cooperate then let him know that you are going to have to start making decisions that will affect both your lives and futures for a long time to come, with or without him - and you would prefer these decisions would be made with him so there are no regrets in the future.



Best wishes to you and your baby!

 

I wish I could get my daughters dad to do the same..

 

The stuff you are telling us about the way he is acting is MORE than garden variety "OMG, we not ready to have a baby yet." Freak Out. He sounds like he may have a serious mood disorder. Either that, or he's just a complete jerk.

He helped make this baby, if it is decided to have it, he's partially responsible. BUT, he isn't going to change his attiitude. Babies just don't turn jerks into nice people. He's being abusive to you now, he will do it after the baby is born. Is THIS what you want?

You have a chance to get away. I'd do that. No reason to stay with someone who would say such horrible things. Why subject yourself to that? It isn't good for you, and certainlhy not good for any children you will bring into the relatiuonship.

Look at the way he's treating you. THIS will not change. He isn't just "freaking out" he's expressing the way he feels about you. And, obviously, he doesn't care. Don't stay with such a situation. Having the baby, just because you think it will keep him around is not only really unfair to the baby, but it won't work.

Do what is best for YOU, with the knowlege that HE will NOT change the way he is acting. Do you want him "fathering" a 2 year old, a 4 year old, a 10 year old, a 16 year old, ect with such disrespect for that child's mother? That is what you have to look forward to. He won't change. Don't expect this to happen.

You need to think about what is best for you. HE is looking for a "girlfreind" he means it, and it isn't you. All you have is yourself. Do what is best for yourself. Thinking otherwise will only hurt you.

Blessings.

 

i am in a similiar situation. i am currently pregnant and the father is a complete jackass. we had a relationship, broke up, and still continued to hang out (have sex) and got pregnant. so techinically we weren't together. right now, i am 17 weeks and from the moment i found out i was pregnant dealing with him has been a complete disaster. i tried to be kind to him and keep him involved but it just didn't work. so for me, it works best not dealing with him. he is not the type of person i want around my child. my only regret now is wasting any time i have so far in this pregnancy worried about him and all his crap and if he is gonna be there or not. when i let him go and all of my expectations/hopes for him participating in this pregnancy and i started to really focus on what is going to make my child happy and me happy i felt so much better. i don't need someone around who is going to make me feel like crap. for me, at this point its all about actions. words mean nothing. because my baby's daddy was always changing his mind like yours. and that indecision is really really hard to handle when you are pregnant. especially in early pregnancy when you are just getting used to the idea yourself. and everything is changing inside of you. you need people to be supportive and not just once and a while or when they feel like it. but consistantly.

i understand its hard for guys to deal with all of this, but hey its way harder on us. its just the way it is. no matter what, we have to to deal with the consequences. they can "choose" to be there or not. i think the best thing you can do, is get away from this situation. because it sounds like it is causing you stress. you need to take care of yourself and that little baby. and once your find a way and realize you can do this on your own with or with out him you will feel so much better and so much stronger.

also, congrats on your pregnancy! pm me if you ever feel like chatting.

 

My advice is to move out. Maybe he'll decide to be a dad, maybe not. Right now you need to feel calm and comfortable and if you can move home or to another environment that's more reassuring then do it.

 

I am going through the exact same thing. Its kinda wierd. I can completely relate to everything you've said. I don't know how much help I can be, since I am just as lost and confused as you are, but if youd ever like to chat i'd love to. But good luck with everything, and may you have a happy healthy little baby. In the end it will all be worth it.

 

dude guys like this should not be able to have children. grrr dead beat dads piss me off!

 

First off, thank you everyone for the help. I've got a problem with putting up with whatever bullshit jerks throw at me, but now that I have to consider a child I'm just not always sure what would be going to far in defending myself.


Sure enough, he went back to the 'I'll be a good father' thing like I thought he would. It's already clear he and I are not together, which is okay. I was mostly worried about him throwing me out, which means he can't see the baby because he's far too lazy to drive the six hours to visit. So he and I decided that I'd stay in his house anyway just to raise the child together. I had just been starting to accept this situation when some new stuff started happening. Much worse than the usual I don't love yous or abort its. Now he's making jokes about killing the baby once it's born. So clearly he's a psychopath and managed to keep it well hidden. This is a guy who's never been in a fight, never hit anyone, and now he's saying how great it would be if our kitten would maul it when it's born, or that he could beat it to death. I mean, fuck!! FUCK FUCK FUCK! This is the single most disgusting and horrifying thing I've ever heard from him or anyone. I've had guys threaten to break my arms and stuff, but never to kill their own baby! Again, FUCK!
So obviously I'll be moving back to North Bay and enjoying the physical distance between us. He won't have anything to do with his child, but his money sure will.

 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this--but am glad for you that you are getting out and away now. Please make sure to document all of the things that he is saying, and if anyone else hears them too...JUST IN CASE he goes on his " I wanna be a good father" kick again, so you can hopefully keep your baby safely away from him.
Good Luck hun!!!

 

Sorry to hear that. That is just horrible. Good luck to you.