reassurance about Crying It Out

Oh, it's cool,man. My kids love me. My boy tells me he loves me as much as the whole planet saturn, because it has the shiney rings. I've breastfed, homeschooled, and come on, it's not llike I don't love them whith all my heart, but I'm not perfect, neither are they, and neither are you. I'm very compassionate, but there comes a point when you just have to say, "Ok, look, we're not getting anywhere here," and do what needs to be done. A good cry is not going to make the baby put me in a state run home versus Cottinghams'! Lol, you are taking it too literally babe.

 

Neither of your kids (ages 5 and 15 months) are old enough to have been home schooled. ????

 

my son is homeschooled this year, he's in kindergarten.

 

Yes my daughter cries. Yes I get frustrated. Yes occasionally I set her down for a moment to settle myself so I can better settle her. But if she needs to cry, I will hold her through it, because I don't want her to cry because she is lonely and scared on top of what originally got her worked up in the first place!

 

He does fine. Like I said, what works for some does not work for all. My mom abandoned me. I guess that worked for her. Like I said, I don't neglect the children, and when all else fails, as a last resort, jeeze, if she wants ta cry, then cry she shall. When she doesn't want me, and she doesn't want down, and she doesn't want anything to eat, then good god, what does she want? She must want to cry. So she does. So what. She's the same, happy, healthy child when she's done that she was before she started. I see no real evidence of anything negative in her emotional well-being. After all, squaws used to leave thier babies in thier cradle boards for hours while they hoed, and taught them not to cry by placing thier hands over the babies' mouths. This was a neccessity in those days, because a crying babe could give away an entire camp's position in a raid ( camp meaning the women and children that were hiding while the braves fought the raiders) NOw, obviously, thank god we have no need of this today, but sheesh, come on. Babies cry. It's what they do. When they have thier needs met, and they are not sick or lonely, then what to do. I sling her up, toss her on my back, and go about it. Or put her in her crib because obviously she is tired. And she may wail once or twice, and then she's asleep. I see no malo repercussions. ANd I have not caught her on the phone trying to reserve me a spot in a nursing home near a powerplant or anything....maybe she is doing it in stealth ...hahaha

 

I am sorry you were abadoned, That is horrible. It must be hard to function. I was only hit as a child, and it took years of therapy in order for me to feel responsible enough to parent well. (that and two degrees in Psychology and Child Development. When the way one is raised is improper, one is obligated to learn as much about HEALTH parenting, so one can do that.)

But, I can assure you, your baby doesn't "want" to cry. She may not be able to tell you why, but there is always a why. When my babies (I have four, between the ages of 20 years and 6 years) cried, even the times I couldn't stop the crying, I was THERE. They knew I was there, if needbe we cried together, but I did not "let" them cry.

There is simply not only too much INSTINCT going against CIO, there is too much RESEARCH going against it. The AAP has stated that "as long as we cannot find any benefit to telling our patient's parents to "cry it out" there is not a reason to ever recommend it." In other words, ALL the data says CIO is not only NOT helpful, it is dangerous, (yes, cortisol levels can often rise so high, that the heart and the circulatory system can be damaged, in fact a number of "SIDS" cases are now known to have been "Infantile" heart attacks........due to undue crying.) and should not be recommended.

 

The fact is, babies are babies, and babies cry. And parents deal with it. Lettin the kid cry a little is not going to "ruin" the child. It takes months, years, of abuse to ruin a kid, and even then, they may turn out a very enlightened adult...or they might be a serial rapist. The most coddled kid in the world might decide that his mother was too much of a power figure, and develope psychosomatic tendencies towards hating women. So where do you draw the line. Love them while you have them, do what is in your heart, and hope for the best. That is all we can do. Oh, and sack money away so we can live in a nice community home when we're old, and not a "facility". You people crack me up!

 

A lot of "Mights." Yes, a well cared for child "might" turn out to be a serial killer. An abused child may discover the cure for Republicanism. Who knows? But, the fact is doing what is KNOWN to have the BEST results is the best answer to a problem (kind of a spin on Occam's Razor) We simply KNOW that caring for infants gets, for the MOST part, better results. We know, for the most part, that abuse, neglect, not enough food, war, famine,extreme poverty fear ect get poor results.

Those who think go with the methods known to have the best long term results for the largest numbers. And it is simply a fact that it does not benefit a baby to intentionally ignore her.

Occasionally getting to the baby after a few minutes of crying, because you had a diarhea attack? Understandable. Occasionally, having to find a place to park and feed the baby, because there was no place to stop on the HIghway. Understandable. These are completely different than, "I will let the baby cry to TEACH him he can't get whatever he likes. So, there." THAT isn't good parenting. It's........I don't know, revenge or something. It's heartless and cruel and there is simply no reason to do it.


WE know better. We really do. All of us. THat is why, when parents read those ridiculous books by people like Tracey Hogg and Ferber and Ezzo, the mothers and often the daddies have to be "Held back" from getting the baby the "first few" nights. Until the baby Learns Helplessness and Loss and the parents learn how to become stone cold and lose their hearts.

One does not stop being a parent because the sun goes down.

WE know better. We really do. YOUR BODY knows better. That's why your tummy hurts when your baby cries (at least I hope it does, in a healthy individual it will.)

 

I completely agree with everything you just said. And thank you for your love, I wish your childhood had been the kind that you yourself would have given. I don't make it a practice to ignore my kids at all. I'm very much into thier lives...they ARE my life. But, I also don't think that yes, the occasional run-on cry bout is really going to affect her for life. I also don't think that a kid who is obviously waaaaay upset over something (enough to cause an infant heart attack) should be ignored. Get it to a doctor, or maybe I don't know, can you give a babe Rescue Remedy? I never have. Get it a boob. COmfort is good. Naps are good too. COmforting naps are even better. Boobies and blankies on the house!

 

Gripe water is a miraculous thing: A ginger powder and ground fennel seed tea.

 

my tummy doesn't hurt when Abryn cries??

 

because you're already with her! .....My jaw hurts when Moire cries and I can't get to her (ie: driving a long stretch of highway)

 

I think it is so hard to be a good parent. Especially when when someone feels that their ideas of parenting go against mainstream culture. Which although AP is practiced all over the world. In the US. People value independence very highly. It is part of the American way of raising kids. Bottle feed them, keep them alone in a room at the end of a hall. Listen to them over the baby monitor. Don't pick them up if they cry, or you will spoil them. All of these things were once the norm. I am SOOOOOOO HAPPY to see isssues like this come up on the forum. It has gotten heated but when you have a child and you love them more than you love them yourself, you can only get emotional when you read some of people's responses. I 100% commend all the parents who are "doing it" their own way.

 

oh loll I guess we haven't been put in that kind of situation yet...

 

Hearing Manny cry doesn't hurt my belly, but it does make my breasts ache and leak like crazy.

 

yeah, that doesn't happen to me either!

 

lola, great post! I completely agree.

Sweetie, that's OK. I probably should have prefaced that and qualified that sentence with (but my post was long enough) the idea that the STRESS of not getting to the baby, when the baby needs you often causes some type of physical symptoms in most mamas. I used "Tummy" because that is where a lot of people feel their stress. Others do in their backs. Or their jaws, or their temples or some even shake or vomit or feel like they are going to be ill. As Freek said, you are with him all the time, he has little chance to cry uncontrollably (especially a PLANNED CIO session, thank God) so the symptoms you would feel would be minimal.

My point was, many mamas FEEL their baby's pain. Actually FEEL it. Crying is aurally on a Primate Distress Frequency. It is highly uncomfortable for those hearing it for a reason.........the baby needs to be tended to. People who either train themselves out of this discomfort, or have no discomfort at all (especialy with a PLANNED CIO session, or letting a baby CIO in a situaition where they could get to the baby soon) usually have damage to themselves, and are passing it on to their babies.

((((((((Tamee)))))))))) You (and many of the other mamas here) are doing such a good job. Sometimes, when people try to get to you about CIO and other issues that you know you are only helping your baby and caring for your baby, are best dealt with, IRL, with a simple explaination, and modeling good mama behavior. There will always be people who are too damaged or too rigid or too scheduled to care where and when babies need them. Heaven help them, and their babies. In some cases, you can do nothing, but hold Abryn, let him know you are THERE, and silently say whatever Blessing or thought you have for the health and development of those babies who don't get the excellent care you are giving your baby.

Blessings, caring sisters.

 

Tamee, many mamas do leak when they hear other babies cry. Not all mamas do. Although I usually leaked like a sieve, hearing a baby cry would make me sad, but I never leaked from it. Holding a baby might cause a let down in me, but not hearing crying. Every mama is different. Many mamas DO leak when they hear babies cry, as the crying triggers oxytocin release. Some mamas have different triggers for Oxy release. In some, it is nothing but direct physical stimulation. Don't worry, you are totally normal!

grittykitty, blessings to you, as well. It is good for us to learn from what our own parents did, often as they knew nothing else themselves. Thank you.

 

If I walk by a playground or so, and hear a lil one cry, I have to cry, too. I think I never could let someone cry it out on purpose.

 

haha my baby's a little girl, but that's ok everyone. well now that i think about it, when Abryn wants my attention and say I'm doing the laundry or eating or something and I know I'll be done in a few minutes, so I just tell her to hang on a few, I do start to get this nervous feeling if it ends up taking longer than I expected. I suppose that nervous feeling could turn into something more if I let her cry for longer. it must be a horrible feeling to have your tummy start to hurt if you have to let your baby cry for whatever reason, but it's good to know that your instincts are in good shape, ya know?

and it is HARD to break the cycle of damaged instincts. I am the first one in my family, that I've seen, that has really tried to do any kind of attachment parenting. my mom is very detached from her natural self and so is my grandma and my cousin and for me to try to do it without any example is kind of hard. sometimes I actually feel whatever feeling promted my mother to let me cry it out, and I feel the urge to not go to Abryn, but I always fight it and go to her. I admit, sometimes after getting that urge I will let Abryn just sit there for a minute, but I always go to her after having to battle it out in my head. it really is psychologically tough sometimes, which is why I actually feel sorry for those who don't follow their instincts, because I know that side too...