reassurance about Crying It Out

well thank you. thats just the kind of support i need and i agree with you whole-heartedly.

 

umm you need a reality check. Parents need time away from their babies to make money to supply for them. Not everyone is wealthy enough to stay home with their children. Does this make the mamas who leave their children for like 8 hours a day any less of a parent? I think not! It is unfair to judge mamas on this. If anything, these mamas are teaching their children that they need to WORK for what they want. I know we're talking about a six month old, but I'm just talking about children in general. It is unrealistic to hold your baby for 24 hours a day. Mamas and papas have a lot on their hands. They have to change, feed, wash, supply material things, go food shopping, etc... the list goes on and on...I may not be a mama but i'm a realist. I think that with the push of "stay at home moms" on this board you mamas are really judging and making the single or working mamas feel like they're less than a mom. To the OP poster, you are doing everything you can. Babies cry even if you filled all of their needs. It's called attention. The baby can't say, "hey mommy can you talk to me?" I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your baby, but what I'm saying is that he or she needs to learn that mama and papa have other important things to do and they will return to give attention when needed. I basically raised my nethew from the age of 1 to 3, so i have an understanding of babies!

 

Bumble, you can be seen as wrong as well. My husband and I don't make much money. We barely swing it sometimes, but it's important for me to stay home with my child. And it's important to Brian as well. So we cut back on ALL of our frills, no eating out regularly, no prepared foods, etc. All of our funds go towards our household, with the occasional frill here and there. I could go out and get a full time job, but all of my money would go to childcare, clothes for work, convenience foods, bus fare, etc....so this by far is better for our family. It's not easy, but I feel better knowing that I won't have to guess what my daughter is experiencing all day.

And even most working mothers, if properly attached to their children, would probably agree that they would rather be home with their children.

As far as needing time as an adult doing adult activities, I admit to feeling nuts every once in a while. It's natural. But I'd never ever ever act on my urge to be away from my daughter in anyway that didn't feel like it was the best for HER. While the most important thing for my daughter is my sanity, my sanity depends greatly on if I know she's got the best I can give her of myself.

 

But thats what works for you. Like bumble said. TRhe mums who have to work to make ends meet are not bad mothers, they are busy ones. Number one thing that family councellors will say it that if mum and dad arent happy, then where's the hope for baby. For some people, living of welfare simply isnt viable.

See thats the thing, what works for you doesnt work for everytone. Cant you see, both bumble and I are saying what youre doing is fantastic... for you! But other people dont have that luxry.

More than just a mom doesnt mean going out and partying with your mates, it means being able to look after yourself so you dont end up resenting yourself and your child.

 

its also extremely important to me and axyn for me to stay home with abryn...which right now means living with my grandparents until he comes home. thank god for them, otherwise i probably would be on welfare. i work and be with abryn at the same time, having a job in childcare. it's the best thing for us right now and I'm so lucky, but really, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it, even those moms who would like to stay home with baby although they think they need to get a nine to five job. there are so many possibilities!

 

I agree with advaya. Parenting is a sacrifice, In every sense of the word. And people who aren't willing to do what it takes, don't need babies. If you are making no money and can't even support yourself, you should pronbably put the baby making on hold.
On the crying it out. I think the most importnt thing for you to do Tamee, is follow your instincts. I think in a baby as small as yours, then there is really no need to let them cry it out . Babies need constant love and reassurance. It is old-thinking to let a baby cry. It never really works anyway. You get frustrated at the crying and the baby gets in turn. Love your baby. Your way. Your family will just have to learn to let their opinions go.

 

You know, I've been a lot less loud about my opinions on parenting than I am on so much else. I keep letting everyone's two-cents get to me...

But this is what I keep telling myself: When my little girl is 16 years old, confident, educated, empathic, and my family says anything about how great she's doing, I'll know it's because I did what was best for her when she was tiny.

 

No, I don't think I need a reality check. My coworker just had a baby, is breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and working. It can be done. People really don't need babies if they are not willing to make sacrifices. My mother was a single parent, she raised me by herself, but I never once felt neglected by her, and I know she never ever let me cry as an infant. My father recommended she do so, and she spent many nights crying WITH me, but never EVER did I cry it out.
. I may be a parent nazi, it's okay, but I am honestly of the opinion that tons of people did not need kids. Kids are our future, and people are severely abusing that. But, they have been forever.

 

You all have some sort of unhealthy superiority complex that you need to work out. Someone dares to think differently, and you all jump on top of her like this is a football game. GROW UP.

 

Well thats the problem I think.

The way I see irt is, no one ever has the one definitive right or wrong answer. I always thought that this was a free speech forum, yet everytime I look in here, I notice that if there is any different opinion from the 'idealistic super parent model' (which would be nice, but it doesnt fit everyone), then they get totally flamed.

Why is there all this pressure for people to live their lives by this perscribed manner? Like its not hard enough to do your thing without people looking down on you for doing things differently.

I must have mised the memo that said free speech and free thinking forums were all about thinking just like the other posters. And quite frankly, this whole condecending "maybe when you do <whatever>... then you'll understand." line, is really quite rude and ignorant. Truth is, I do understand, I have eyes and ears, and while I might not have children of my own, I have been a child, I have freinds and relatives with children. The whole elitist crap that goes on here really grates me. It's like in the men's issues forum, you know, half the people in their are chicks, that doesnt make them disqualified from talking about it. What are we trying to achieve here? further inequality and unacceptance?

When it comes to parenting, people haver their own choices to make, and if there was a right formula, then all kids would turn out wonderfully... but it doesnt work that way. People from 'good families' with 'good upbringings' (whartever that is) can still trun out to be bad, break the law and manipulate. Telling people that they are bad people for doing it their way doesnt help anything, and we're all human here, you know, we all can only do our best.

 

I want to clarify that I never once said that other people cannot have their own thoughts and opinions on this topic. That's fine and GOOD to discuss different parenting techniques. Discussing parenting and how other's do it is a very important part of this job. What I am fairly upset about, in this thread, is that the OP specifically asked for support and she got some naysayers. If someone doesn't want to support her, then that's fine, move on and just stay out of the thread. It's simple. If you'd like to start a debate about this vs that in regards to parenting tools, then fine, start a thread of your own and have fun. It just sucks to get disrespected when your trying to ask for others to lean on. Yes, this is a free speech forum, but does that give anyone a right to push someone down when they may be feeling vunerable? no.

The OP never asked for opinions. She asked for reassurance

Straight from dictionary.com:

as·sure (-shr) Pronunciation Key
tr.v. as·sured, as·sur·ing, as·sures

1. To inform positively, as to remove doubt: assured us that the train would be on time.
2. To cause to feel sure: assured her of his devotion.
3. To give confidence to; reassure.
4. To make certain; ensure: “Nothing in history assures the success of our civilization” (Herbert J. Muller).
5. To make safe or secure.
6. Chiefly British. To insure, as against loss.

 

That is the most insightful thing on babies I think I've read in a long time.

Tamee, if you want to do pick Abryn up whenever she cries, that is up to you. Don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child.

Personally, I admit I have let my boys cry occasionally. By taking some "time out" I was able to regain my calm composure instead of becoming frustrated and angry and possibly taking those frustrations out on them (and I don't by *any means* mean in a severe way or anything).

I think we are all just trying to do the best job we can. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back.

 

And purplesage, the stepping back for a moment to calm yourself before calming them is a great thing. I do it too. And it's AP. It's letting a baby cry when you're NOT upset just to train them that gets us, I think...

 

Tamee your baby is just beautiful. and its never okay to let a baby just cry it out it makes them trust you less they believe that you don't want them to help you. its baby's only way to comunicate until they can talk

 

RetroGrooveGrrl, no one is punishing you, so I don't understand why you seem so hurt, unless you just like to argue on here, which I can understand, I've done it too. We're all, like you said, just expressing our different opinions. Although I started out asking for support, it's turned into a discussion. and it's just the internet. No one's beating you over the head because "you have the wrong answer!" I didn't say you were wrong. I said that I have different opinions from you. is that not what you yourself are trying to stand up for? free speech also means the freedom to discuss and argue. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm telling you what I think. You're telling me what YOU think. it's a DISCUSSION!

and yes, I have had a few times where Abryn was crying and I just couldn't seem to figure it out at all and I had to just put her down and go in the other room out of frustration. but I don't think it should be practiced every day as a "training" method.

my cousin is eight months old and his mom lets him sit alone and cry every day simply because she doesn't want to hold him. every time I've seen him drink from a bottle, he's been laying on the couch, propped up with pillows to keep the bottle from falling. I see him laying on the floor, crying, and he just sticks his thumb in his mouth and falls asleep, as if that's just the normal thing. and it makes me sad. she just doesn't want to hold him. and she has a five year old daughter too who is the most hyper little thing I've ever seen, always eating some kind of junk food, so much so that she has a cavity in one of her canine's that's as big as the whole side of her tooth! she can't concentrate on one subject for more than five minutes and is always watching tv. when the little girl was a toddler her mom used to put her in the room at night to go to sleep and turn the lights off and shut the door, whether the girl was asleep or not, and the child would cry and cry and come banging on the door while her mom just sat in the next room and watched tv, trying to ignore her. and this woman WANTS MORE KIDS! I don't understand it at all.

 

Retro. there is NOTHING "politically correct" about caring for babies, and taking care of their needs. YES, every cry IS a NEED, EVERY ONE.

Uh uh. They cried because they are BABIES. Try looking at the researcher Bowbly, and his seminal research on Attachment and Loss. Babies who STOP crying on "their own' are the ones to worry about. These children have shut down, and are exibiting Learned Helplessness and are NOT learning LOVE, ACCEPTANCE or CARING.

There is not an excuse for neglecting infants. On occasion, you can't get to them in an instant, but in most cases, they NEED to be cared for WHERE and WHEN they CRY for it.

"no middle ground?" When a baby is in desperate need (which, in fact, is every time they cry) there is NO middle ground. The mamas here (most anyway) are caring, loving MOTHERS, who REFUSE to put their intincts on hold, just to satisfy societies requirements of "Independence" and following the Status Quo........OMG, sounds like.......Hippys. Maybe most people are HERE because refusing Status Quo, the belief in Peace and Love, not being quiet when others are repressed (in this case, the repressed group would be innnocent babies) and not needing to stand in Regiment to forced "Independence" is part of Hippy. And, these same beleifs are part of good mothering from the beginning of time. ALL societies practice "attachment parenting" until money becomes so important, more important than the needs of infants, then people have to give something so REAL and ingrained a name and "practice" it. Healthy societies just DO it. We, in our illness of money and wealth and finance and "getting things done" have to give things names, make "practices" out of them and write books about them. Most societies Attach to their babies NATURALLY. But, like everything else that doesn't make money (normal natural childbiirth, breastfeeding, caring for babies instintually, respecting children for who they are) OUR society has to RETEACH people things they have been forced to forget.

No, babies DO NOT MANIPULATE. In order to manipulate, one needs to be able to have INTENT. Meaning the Ego Power to say, "If I only need this, but I want THIS, I can PRETEND this so that others will do this other thing, instead." Sorry, Retro, babies under the age of 2 or 3 years of age do NOT have this type of advanced thinking power. THUS, they are UNABLE TO MANIPULATE.

Babies only DO what their bodies and littles needs tell them to do. And one of the only ways a baby can communicate is to cry. Ignore that, you are ruining your child.

Yes, it's THAT cut and dried. Read Bowbly, and other Attachment, Bonding and Loss researchers and get back to us on that.

 

Wow, this is obviously a very touchy subject, as I should expect, considering it's mothers and thier babies. I am a mother of two, my boy is five and my daughter is 15 mos. I have let her cry when I felt that her immediate physical needs had been met, especially if like, she wasn't hungry, or thirsty, or wet/soiled...sometimes when they get so tired they just have to be put down! lol, and I've found that when I've tried it all, and nothing works, and she wants to be held, but wants to get down, cries on the floor to be picked up..she doesn't really know WHAT she wants, so, it's off to beddie-bye! And this works, and she usu. goes right to sleep...perhaps after a wail or two of protest, yes, but drops off like a rock shortly thereafer. I don't think this has made her feel un-cared for or anything...she's very loving, recieves much affection, and she's also independant(...for a 15 m/o). I don't think that allowing a newborn to cry for a few minutes (repeat, a few minutes...over say, ten minutes, perhaps there is something wrong with the child...bellyache, gas, etc..) is harmful to them, they need to excersize those little lungs!
I have some friends who have never let thier infant son cry for more than a few moments at a time. I'm not sure that this boy ISN"T manipulating his parents....I can in fact see it quite clearly. The boy is not neglected in any way...lol, perish the thought,...and he does cry just for attention. ( He gets PLENTY of it, believe me.) I love my kids, but I did not give birth to a cling-on, and I do not wish to raise a cling-on, so I confess, I have let her cry it out, after being put in bed, if nothing else will appease her. She seems to be healthy, physically, mentally and emotionally. This approach has worked for me. It's much safer to let the child cry than to allow yourself to get frustrated and worked up....I've always said to people that if the baby won't shut up and you can't take it, put the babe where it can't get hurt (i.e. playpen or crib) and just walk away. Take a min to cool down, gather your head, breathe, and then when you're ready, go back to check on the child. If people would do this before they got to the point of AHahahggghhrr!!, there wouldn't be so many reports on the news of parents shaking and bashing thier babies to get them to stop. These are the desicions we have to make as responisble parents and adults, and I don't really think any one method is perfect, and what works for one may not work for others. I don't see my friends with the infant son changing thier routine anymore than I will change mine. These are the things that make families unique, and every situation is different, and the only one who can really make that desicion is you, and you have to live with what you decide. And your kid has to live with what you decide. So. Do what you feel is best for your kid. No one else can tell you, and it looks like the advice you were seeking was not what you wanted to hear, so, fuck 'em! Do it your way. As for me, I don't deal with whiners for no reason, and my kids can just get over it...it won't kill 'em. Only makes 'em stronger. Life is like that. I still love 'em.

 

There ARE wrong answers.
Q: What can I do when my baby won't stop crying?
A: Shoot up some heroin. It'll make YOU feel better.
BAAAAAP. WRONG answer.

Just because there may be more than ONE "right"way to parent does NOT mean there are NO "WRONG" ways to parent, because there are.

Repeatedly letting a baby cry is well on one's way to the "wrong" way. Occasionally getting frustrated, taking care of one child, when the baby starts, not getting up the stairs in record time, these are all understandable. But, concentrating on intentionally LETTING a baby be neglected (a la Ezzo, Ferber, Pearls ect) is simply wrong. WHY? It hurts babies. It damages babies. It does nothing to make one a better parent or a better person.

.
.

 

Wow. What a compassionate statement.

Guess what? Your kids get to chose your nursing home. I'd be nice to them. Or, in a few years, you'll be the one sitting in a pile of your own excrement, sad and lonely, with no one to care for you, crying in pain or loneliness, while the children YOU let cry are out having a good time, complaining about how "demanding" you are, as your life ebbs away. Life is like that.

Karma, baby.

 

Letting a baby cry doesn't develop her lungs. It has been medically documented to damage her heart!

Babies' lungs develop naturally, through play, living, and nursing. Crying doesn't speed that process!