reassurance about Crying It Out

My grandma told me the other day that sometimes I need to just let Abryn cry so I can get things done and because if I don't "it will be harder on her because she will always want you to hold her". to which I said "well I don't really have a problem with that. if she wants me to hold her, I'll just hold her." then I went to my friend like, "can you believe what my grandma just said?". to which she said "she's right." and I was a little shocked because she comes from a family of six kids, of which all but one was cloth diapered and homeschooled. they have a really caring family and their home is like my second. I dunno, I guess I just thought they felt differently about crying it out.

I guess I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by sticking by my instincts because I don't think anymore that I know anyone who feels the same way...

 

you are absolutely doing the right thing. it is never ok or right to let a baby cio. never. it will only give them a head start to low self esteem and rebelion imo.

 

Children don't really 'learn' from crying it out until they are 3 or 4 anyway. Even then, it's just mean.
You're doing the right thing. Grandma's are old fashioned.

 

yeah that's what I think, too. I just hope Axyn feels the same way. We never talked about it before. i guess I just assumed he felt the same way. we'll see when he comes home I guess. His dad used to beat him and I remember Axyn one day saying that sometimes kids need to be spanked a little, to which I said "hell no!" but it never became a real issue, we just kind of dropped it. I'm sure he'll change his mind after he sees his little beautiful daughter...and my baseball bat!

anyway, thanks colorfulhippie, it helps even to know only ONE person feels the same way.

 

that's what I think, too. while they're still babies, they cry because they need something and not giving it to them only tells them that they aren't being cared for. I believe it isn't until they are a bit older that they can think about reasons and causes and the fact that sometimes, it's just good to cry. because certainly there will be times when I'm just not able to give her what she wants, if it isn't food or attention, like say a toy from the store or something. I remember getting upset at stores because there was so much cool stuff that I just couldn't have. but i think I handled it pretty well. I see some kids today, like my cousin's five yr old, just rolling on the floor screaming because they can't have something. at the last minute my cousin just gives in and gets her whatever she wants, even if she can't really afford it, just to make her stop. it's crazy...anyway, I think I've strayed from the subject.

 

you are right to stick your your gut feeling/instinct. Crying it out just doesnt work if a child is crying it means that they need or want somethin and if we ignore that then the trust that they had for you starts to deteriorate (SP?) so you are doing the right thing by giving your child all the love and attention that she wants besides mother knows best right????? Also if you need to get something done but abryn wont let you put her down put her in the sling and do what you got to do. and like moon flower said grandma's are old fashioned.

much love to you and your family
FF

 

If your baby is crying, she needs something. And doing what feels natural and right to you is the most important thing you could possibly do! And no one will feel the same as you, I've found that out...But just recognizing that YOU are the momma to THAT baby makes it easier.

 

Babies cry to communicate, not manipulate.

 

well I have a few carriers I put her in if I really need to get something done, but I have epidural-induced back pain that starts up pretty easily so most of the time I just sit around with Abryn, or I get things done until it's too much for me.

thanks so much guys!

I love you all

 

put that baby on your back or front in a sling / pack if you need to get stuff done...

i like what lola78 said.. its true.. they cry to communicate, not manipulate

 

its not always true that you should come to the child when they cry.
When my brothers were in hospital after they were born, they used to get nused constatly by workers there. When they cried, they would pick them up to calm them down, so they learned that if they wanted a cuddle, all they had to do was cry and they would get one.

When poor mum got home my brothers cried. She fed, changed and burped them and they still cried when she put them down.

The only thing that worked was letting them cry it out.

Now I'm not saying sdont come when she cries, but if she cries more than she should be, and there seems no other reason for the crying but to be held. Then letting her cry it out might help her be a little more independant

 

I was thinking the same thing. but of course i wouldn't know because I'm not a mama, but it makes perfect sense.

 

I completely and utterly dissagree with both of you. Why on earth would someone want to not hold a baby that obviouly NEEDS to be held is beyond me. Kids have at LEAST 18 YEARS to develop the independence they need to thrive in today's society. If we teach them from a super early age that we (their PARENTS!) won't hold them/love them/cuddle them when they so desperatly need our contact, then that's just setting them up to fail in life. i personally will not be held responsible for my daughter's failing. i will teach them/guide them/raise them to depend on me, to trust in me, to WANT me. i am their mother, i brought them into this world, they did not choose to be born, the very least i can do is hold them when the need/deserve to be held.

i feel so sorry for any babe that has to sit there and cry

 

Why would you not hold them? Because sometimes you need to be a person as well as a doting mum.

All a baby can do to communicate is cry, that doesnt mean that every cry is out of desparate need. Like I said, I'm not saying that they shouldn't be held or comforted, but sometimes baby's just want attention, and that may not be because theyt dont get any at all. Sometimes its good to let them know that mummy cant be there every 2 seconds, so that mummy can do other things, like retain her sanity, or make the dinner, or wash the dirty nappys, so she doesnt end up shaking the child to death out of frustration and desparation.

Like I said before, I'm not suggesting that a mum should neglect a child. If she knnows nothing is wrong, then its okay to leave bub to have a bit of a cry.

 

Babies cry because a NEED is not being MET. The only way they know how to say this is by crying. Letting a baby cry IS being NEGLECTFUL. If your mom was crying would you just ignore her? If your best friend was crying, your boyfriend, etc? How would you feel if you were crying and upset and everyone just let you be without even TRYING to comfort you???

 

Like I said, I do sling her, I just can't do it for very long.

 

children cry when they are throwing tantrums, does that mean they need to be held? No, it means they need to be set straight that throwing a tanty is not the way to go.

Dont underestimate babies, theyre not these stagnant nbeing that dont know anything. Most of a childs primary socialisation happens in the first 3 years, and a lot of that happens in the first 12 months. They can and do manipulate. I know, I've seen it happen. Babies in supermarkets cry all the time, for no other reason but being grumpy, if you catch their eye, they usually smile andd stop crying. Why? because theyre just being grumpy, they usually dont need anything but an afternoon nap.

Being able to say "enough is enough' I know my baby is safe and sound" is not neglectful, its responsibe.

 

why would she put them down still crying? maybe they just wanted to be held.

wanting to be held is just as valid and important as needing food or a diaper change. babies simply cannot be idependent, at all. that's why they're babies.

you would feel very alone in the world and grow up trusting everyone too much, to they point they hurt you and you STILL trusted them...or you'd trust no one. I know because that's how my mom was with me. I would sit in the middle of the living room and cry and cry and cry and NO ONE would even LOOK at me. not Mom, not Tim (setpdad), and because they wouldn't, my brother wouldn't either. EVERYONE ignored me when i cried. and I spent most of my pre-teen/teenage years VERY depressed, often crying in front of everyone and still feeling like no one was there. it set me up for a very tough psychological battle that I'm lucky to have overcome at such an early age. I'm only 20. my brother is 19 and he still has a lot of problems and can't seem to figure out how to get past it. he's been in a mental hospital, been on all kinds of crazy anti-depressants, from zoloft to anti-psychotics...Thank god I never went that route and decided to be miserable and overcome it by whatever natural means possible. if it meant I had to jog around town every day and even say I love you to my mother (something so incredibly hard for me to do that I've only done it a handful of times since I was 7). but I did it. some people aren't so fortunate.

so we're proof and no matter what anyone says, i will ALWAYS pay attention to my daughter when she needs me to.

 

babies do not throw tantrums. and not all children throw tantrums. I think throwing tantrums is a learned habit by a child who has learned that nothing else will work to get the attention they need, so they have resorted to throwing themselves around and yelling.

because you're paying attention to them!

 

What doesnt make sense to me aboiut this forum is this whole idea that the most politically correct stance is always the right one. Now I havent come in here attaking anyone on their views on this issue at all. All I have done is offered an alternative opinion, not a right one, not a wrong one, just a different one.

T%here are thousands of views on parenting, and the fact is, no one has the prefect formula for it, we can all just do the best we can with what we have. That doesnt make the woman down the street who has to put her kids in daycare so she can bring home the bread a bad person. It just means she does it differently.

Dont get me wrong. I like this forum and I find it very informative, but I also find it very black and white. There is no room for middle ground whatsoever, and any view thats different from the sushine lollipops view is labeled 'bad'. I jusyt think it would be nice to see a little more consideration rather than heated battles