hitting

Leane won't stop hitting. what do I do!? She's only 11 months old? How do I help her understand that hitting isn't nice?
In the morning, for example, she'll be crawling all over me, which I think is cute. But then she'll start to repeatedly smack my face. Same thing when I'm carrying her. I'll look at her, she'll look at me and "swack"! And it's not playful. She actually has a mad look on her face when she does it.
Last night I think I did something bad. She hit me really hard and after telling her yet again that we don't hit and her laughing, I tapped her nose in the same motion that she used to hit me, though I never hit her (I refuse to do that). Was that wrong, too? Was that the same as hitting? She sat back a little shocked, looked at me with the most upset/pissed off look and I felt AWFUL. She didn't hit me after that, and we're way rougher when we play, but I think that I really hurt her feelings.
What else can I do?
she doesn't just hit, either. She'll dig her nails into your arm and scratch so deep that you have cuts on your arm. The other day she did this to my nose and I looked like I was attacked by a cat. I had strangers asking me what kind of accident I had gotten into, it was that bad.
She also has these "tantrums" where she will SCREAM and SCREAM. I'm talking ear-piercing screaming. It's bad enough, that the neighbor from 3 doors down came to the house to see what was wrong. She doesn't even do it when she's really bored or mad.
I don't know what's going on! Why is she so unhappy?! I play with her all the time, I also let her have her own alone play time while I'm still in the room with her. I take her along with anything I'm doing. I take her swimming and to the park all the time. We play in the bath. We do chores together. I always try to say as positive things to her as I can and keep out the negative. so why is she so unhappy? What am I doing wrong!?
I have had lots of moms say to me that she's not normal and that I need to take her to the doctor......I'm confused!

 

My girls all went through this phase as well. What I would do was if we were playing, and she would hit or scratch, or pinch (that was the worst) I would look at her in the eyes, and firmly tell her "That hurts mommy" (keep it very short and simple, and with a firm tone) and then I would put her down, and refuse to play with her, or pay any attention to her screaming for a few minutes. Then I would pick her up, give her hugs and kisses, and let it go. The next time that it happens, do the same thing again.
It worked for me, sometimes they just don't realize that it hurts. I don't think that it means Leanne is unhappy, all of my kids went through it, and the weirdest thing about it for me was that they would have a huge smile on there face at the time. They just don't know that it hurts you. Good luck, and don't think it is you, I have been reading posts here for a while, and just decided to get involved, and I think that you sound like a great mama.

 

It is a phase. Next comes biting and pinching. I think from my general answers to other threads here you know how I handled it.

 

all little girls go though this phase but if you think about it its not really a phase although the actions may change she will forever try to hurt your feelings in someway or another the physical element of it is much easier to deal with then when shes eight and learns how to scream i hate you and run to her bedroom... girls are evil to their moms.... i have just now finally grown out of it but sometimes when i am being spitful i still know how to push my moms buttons just enough to make her cry....

anyway when my little sister was a baby( we are 12 years apart) i found that when she hit or bite or any other physical action the easiest way to deal with it was to start crying... the shock of her seeing you cry will make her stop instantly and although she is so young she understands when she cries shes upset... once you have shocked her then explain what she has done....
the tantrum thing when i was about three i was a horriable tantrum thrower and it go so bad to the poin that in a grocery store i was screaming and throwing a fit that my mom through or basket to the ground layed down in the middle of the aslie and acted just like i did... it embarassed me so bad i never through another tantrum agian....

 

Definitely just a stage. She sees that she gets a reaction from you and will continue to do so. Simply grab her hand, and tell her that hitting hurts. Try to find something she can hit on. Maybe pull out some pots and pans from the kitchen and give her a wooden spoon and let her go to town. She'll get over it soon enough.

 

well, i've tried doing the same thing back regarding the tantrums. so far, she just looks at me like, "what the hell?" for a minute, then continues to do it.
I can usually handle the screaming and ignore it, but after hours of it, I finally feel like snapping. It seriously makes you want to stick a knife in your eye.
I'm just a little freaked out cuz i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about this and she said, "well, Leane seems like a very unhappy baby." I was like, "well, that makes me feel like a real bad mom." and she said, "well, I dont' know, maybe you are."

 

Ugh, she doesn't seem like a very good friend. I assure you, she is not an unhappy baby. She is going through a wierd stage. Both of my girls did it. Many other babies have done it. Just keep letting her know that you love her and have fun with her. ((kirstyn and leanne))

 

Start teaching her "soft hands" Jenny caught on to that concept long before her first birthday. Make it a fun game, don't get angry, stay calm.

go to www.mothering.com and search for an article called "a fresh approach to tantrums" by Aletha Solter. That issue came out just when Jenny was going through this stage.

The two most important things to keep in mind are this:
1) Your child's behavior is NOT a reflection on you or your parenting skills. It is only a reflection on the child herself.
and 2) Usually when I get angry with my children or react in anger to their behavior, it is because that is how my parents reacted when I would do those things, and not because the kids are really doing anything wrong.

The worst thing you can do is lose your cool. Stay calm. Do whatever it takes to not react negatively to your child's behavior, because that only reinforces what she is doing. Even at her age, she is learning about how people react to her actions, and it will become a fun game for her to see just how mad she can make you become.

 

ditch the friend...unless their sense of humour was very black at the time...


sounds like your munchkin is going through an intense explore phase, checking the world out and seeing what happens when they do what. Just keep this in the back of your head and you'll know when you're cracking the shits too far!

 

thanks for the link and suggestion, mamaboogie. I read that over and over nad it really helped me feel better. I don't feel like I'm totally the worst mother in the world, now. I do regret not handling it well, but I didn't know what else to do. That article REALLY helped!

 

of all the things I ever read about parenting, that article, which came in the mail right when I needed it most, helped me more than anything else. The magazine started falling apart, I read it so many times, and my husband read it so many times, that I printed off a copy from their website. Jenny was one of those kids who was/is sometimes inconsolable, and that article made it okay, it's not my fault when she's like that and there's no reason for me to be angry with her about it.

 

I also taught my children "Nice Touching." They were only allowed to touch other babies, dogs ect with one finger, the whole while my saying, "Nice, nice. Oh, Moon, that is such nice touching. You are being SO gentle and that baby (dog) really loves to be touched like that." Moon actually refered to soft touching as "Nicing" like, "Mama, I want to "nice" that doggie." (A funny story, Moon was about 2 or so, when we went to the Field Museum for a field trip, we were telling her about seeing the Dinosaur, and how it was "nice" and it couldn't hurt her, couldn't even move ect (she was the one who was afraid of everything) and when we got to the museum she sees the giant T Rex and starts screaming, "I WANTED THE DINOSAUR TO "NICE" ME AND HE'S DEAD!!!!" Oooops.) Moon was also the baby who Bit. OMG, I was so embarressed. One thing people would tell me is to "Bite her back." Even as a young mom I KNEW this was NOT a good idea. You can't teach self discipline by hurting. I would remove her from the situation, and once actually quit a job, in a day care enviroment, because their were too many children in the room, and she was just getting TOO overstimulated by too many kids in a small space.

The solution was that I had to LEARN when she was revving up to bite. It was always in a situation where there were too many lights, too much noise, too many people ect. I could see her, first having fun, then, she would start to almost TREMBLE, and I KNEW the bite was coming. I would IMMEDIATELY remove her from the area (no matter WHAT the cost, like I said I left a paying job, where I coudl bring by children, because I knew it was not a healthy enviroment for her) Immediately remove her, and de-escalate her the best way I thought would work. Often children who are getting overstimuated are tired, hungry, thirsty, or are too overwelmed by what is going on. If you need to STOP whatever is going on and move to a less stimulatiing enviroment. Give the child something light to drink and or eat, make sure, if they need a nap,, they get one. After I did these things, Moon never bit again. With the children who came after her, I was then attuned to overstimiated children and PREVENTED more problems than I had to actuallly deal with. But, the key to no let ANYTHING prevent you from doing what needs to be done to de-escalate the child. Let friiends know you need to get the child to a quiet place (I had friends who were in LLL, so most understood that a "Spirited Child" needed some space and quiet, and if we were at a freind's house, a bedroom or a quiet living room was always offered. If we had to leave an entier cart of food at the Jewel then we did, after informing a staff member that we HAD to leave. As for what other people "thought." Well, I think hitting her would have left a much worse impression than leaving the area.

I wouldn't suggest it. She will probably think it is a game, and not realize the FORCE she takes on her own. I think even light "imitation" of an aggresive behavior only enforces the behavior in the child. Better to place her gently on the floor and say, "No hitting mama, that hurts." Then, within seconds pick her up again, and get her into a different state of mind.

Good luck.

 

mamaboogie, you rule!

 

thanks for all the advice. I knew what I did was wrong...I don't know why I did it.
But the good news: yesterday when I saw the same thing coming, I followed everything that article suggested and Leane was happy as could be. She was a bit upset after supper and I let her just have it out but held her while she was so unhappy. When she looked at me, I smiled at her and she clamed right down and snuggled up to me. I actually felt like I had done something right. You have no idea how much of a failure I feel like I am.

 

oh, and I did the "soft hands" thing mamaboogies was talking about this morning when Leane started hitting again.
She would hit me and I would say, "that hurts mama when you hit me. Use soft hands," and then I would lightly stroke her cheek and say, "see, soft hands," and after a few times, she started to realize what I was saying. It was great. I felt so good about that.

I just wanted to say that I am sooooooo happy that I have you guys here to talk to. I spent the last few days bawling because I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was so afraid to write this post and ask advice on this because it makes me sound awful, but I'm glad that I did. I really am. Thankyou all again

 

Hon, you're not a failure or a bad momma for doing the best you knew to do with the information and experience you had. No one can fault you for that. And now that you know more, you're still doing the best with the information you have!

In fact, the fact that you ASKED and RESEARCHED shows how much of a good mother you really are. *hugs*

Don't ever doubt yourself!

 

Thanks for posting this thread Barefoot Kirstyn... my boys have been doing a few things for quite a while now, like pulling hair, biting and, most recently, climbing onto things where there is a good chance of injury if they fall off them. I believe it is just a stage and they are testing the boundaries, which I understand to be part of their development.

With the climbing I normally remove them from the situation and distract them with a toy or something. With the biting etc I have taken to getting down on their level and trying to keep in eye contact, calmly but firmly saying "no biting". It is not working at all! But now that I see that these methods do work on even a 10-month-old child I am very encouraged.

 

Kirsten, you are NOT a failure!! You are a new mama, you are learning, you are asking questions, and you are using what works for you.

ALL parents make mistakes, or realize something they were doing could have been done differently later. I've had this happen more times than I can count. We learn along with our children. The most important things are that you LOVE that baby, and you are listening to different viewpoints, and using what works well for you and Leanne. THAT is what makes a good mama, and that is what you are doing.

You are a good mama. Keep up the good work and keep being inquisitive. That's the way we learn, by experience and by asking, reading and finding out.

 

Totally ditto that, you are an excellent mother for striving to do the best.
So good to know she's improving

The 'soft hands' thing makes such sense. We have a pup and he was going through a biting phase so we did some research and it said about just letting him use gentle pressue on our hands. Sounded insane but we tried it and he calmed down so much within a few days. I think babies just need to learn they can still do things but within boundaries.

 

oh, the hitting. i hate the hitting.