Your parents disciplining your kids

How does everyone handle it?

Do you step back and let them do whatever they want, or do you tell them how YOU want things done?

 

It's *MY* job, as Mama to "discipline" my children. Nobody, I don't care who they are, nobody else is allowed, ever. But nobody else ever has reason to, either. I have raised respectful children by being respectful of them.

 

One of the strongest and hardest to send messages we need to send to our parents is "I AM AN ADULT!!!!" One of the best ways to do this is to make it very clear that YOU are the parent of your children, and that what you (and your partner, if you have one) says, goes. No argument.

No, I don't let other people, including my parents or my inlaws or my step parents discipline my kids. That is my job, and my husband's job.

Best way to avoid conflict, Never EVER accept "Free" babysitting. It is NEVER free (well, maybe finacially, but they will try to get "paid back" one way or an other) and you then lose a lot of your say in how your kids are raised. If you need a babysitter HIRE ONE. (I know from experience.)

 

At gatherings seldom did anyone 'need' to discipline my kids as we (exwife/ SO) handled things ourselves.

My sister's brat was a different matter - she (the brat) was allowed to run wild until someone other than my sister had enough.

Did I mention my sister didn't believe in spanking?
Yall Knew that one was right round the corner, eh? *L*

 

Thanks for the advice!

In this particular instance, my mother-in-law is the problem. She is one of those people who likes to take control of things and be the boss. It seems like she feels she has to teach me and my husband how to be a parent all the time. She is neurotic about hearing them cry (she cannot stand it) and as soon as it happens we all have to run around and try to make things better for her. She will put food in their mouths to shut them up without asking us first. She just does whatever she pleases with them. She acts like she knows them more than I do as well but that's another story.

My only few hours off from being a parent is when I go over to her place once a week and head out to look through some thrift stores for a couple of hours (my favourite pastime) while she looks after the boys for me. Last week I did the usual. Later that day Charlie was playing with her hi-fi system and she said "this is what you do - CHARLIE! CHARLIE! You disobedient boy... CHARLIE!" and started smacking the lounge he was standing on. WTF right does she have to tell my little boy off, especially right in front of me and my husband? My husband didn't think she was doing anything bad (which is a huge part of the problem - he very rarely stands up to her) and we had a huge argument on the way home about it. I wanted to say something to her but that something would've been an explosion, so I left it and ended up giving her the silent treatment (childish, I know, but I was so angry I couldn't even look at her just about)... anyway she got it and on our way out she said to tell her to back off if she does something she shouldn't. (a bluff; she wouldn't be able to handle it if we stood up to her in even the slightest way).

Well I could create chapters about this so I'd better just leave it at that for now.

 

the one and only time my mother threatened to discipline my children, I told her right then and there that if she ever did that again she would never see the kids again, ever. Funny, MIL is usually the one giving me fits. but seeing as how she had 9 grandkids before mine were born, she's much more laid back about that sort of thing with them, to the point of actually being overly permissive. Though, now that I think about it, it might just be her way of making me the bad guy.

 

If someone is looking after my children for any length of time iIwould consider it part of their responsibility to maintain discipline but if people are interfering and disciplining on their own when not asked to then I'd ask them to go and get fornicated...

 

THAT'S the problem. Hire a babysitter. You will NOT change her, all you can do is to change the situation to PROTECT your children. I would not let anyone treat my children like that. Certainly a little "free" babysitting isn't worth the problems it is causing and the possible repercussions on your children's mental health l (and physical health, if she is feeding them crap, against your will) It is NOT worth the little bit of money you save on a babysitter, or even just taking the kids to the thrift stores with you.

She won't change. She will continue to do this, AND it will only get worse. All you can do, is to change what YOU do. You are the adult in your children's life, and if you want that know, you have to make sure it is known with words AND actions.

How did I guess this was a "free babysitting" arangement? Problems like this are usually due to "free babysitting" or "free rent" when you live WITH your parents, and they think they have free reign with the kids. In this day and age, when we know SO much about child development, that many of our parents refused to learn when they had kids and refuse to listen to now, the best resort is to keep your lives as separate as possible.

You can only be the ADULT if you let your parents know you are. Living with parents, after marriage or having children reinforces your parent's idea that you are NOT ready for adult responsibilities, including knowing what is best for your children. The hell with the "free" stuff. Get a baby sitter or take the kids with you. Few of us mama have ANY "free time" once our first child is born.

It isn't worth what your children are going through. You are only seeing what is happening when you are there. What type of things is she saying and doing to them when you aren't around? If she feels free to be so awful to your children in your presence, heaven knows what she feels she is entitled to do (because, of course, she is not only always right, but you have given her the children, in her mind, by allowing "free babysitting" and she is "getting paid" by doing whatever she wants to.) when you aren't there. You know what she is like. This should not be a surprise. Your husbans if probably so docile in this situation because HE was raised like this. Is this the kind of memories you want your children to have of what happened while you were out shopping? My guess is no.

None of us have much time "away from being a parent." Accepting that is part of being the adult. No one said it was going to be easy. But, our job, our main job is teaching our children, and keeping them from harm. Sometimes this job is easy, sometimes it is more difficult. All you need to do is to stop allowing her access to the kids alone. MANY of us have had to do just this very thing. You are the parent. You can do this yourself.

 

If you want to be the parent then do it. Why are you letting your child play with an expensive system. I do believe a parent should be the one to parent when they are there but you need to actually do it.

As far as leaving them there alone: If you don't like how She disciplines, etc, then find someone else to watch them.

As far as her doing things like feeding them to shut them up I would let the little things drop. Is it really hurting them for the short time they are around? If She is doing something you are majorly against then just tell her you can't live with it and either it changes or they won't be back.

I understand your issues of your Husband not standing up. As an adult you sometimes have to take uncomfortable positions with whoever for what you see as the good of the kids and family. You need to talk to him first about what the rules are and then what reactions you will take if it happens there again. I have had to put my foot down more then once and once it caused a two year rift. You have to do what you feel is right.

 

Thanks, everyone, so much, for the advice. You've given me lots of food for thought. I think I'll change the arrangement from now on so that the boys are not alone with her. Maggie I will consider the idea of using a babysitter. For various reasons I certainly wouldn't let any of our other family babysit them for any significant length of time. I know what you mean about "free" coming with strings attached - as it should be, I guess. You can't expect something for nothing.

I take them to MIL's place once a week mainly because she lives alone and for a good 10 years we used to live around the corner from her but recently moved an hour away and, since she has implied many times in the past that if we ever moved away that she would follow us, I'm just doing my bit to keep her at arm's length. And I leave the boys with her because I can't stand to be around her for any extended length of time. She really rubs me (and a lot of people) the wrong way. It is impractical to take them to the thrift stores with me so perhaps I might just have to ditch that idea when I go to MIL's on my own.

When we had our big fight on the way home we did come up with a strategy of how to handle it next time... the problem is that my husband refuses to see anything is wrong and accuses me of overreacting. I feel he is just too afraid to stand up to his mother. The strategy should be non-threatening to my husband so I hope he uses it. It's just to say "I'll look after that" and take appropriate action with the boys ourselves next time this happens. And I agree, Haid, they shouldn't have been playing with her hi-fi system (it's not expensive though LOL - we sold it to her second-hand) and I should have been keeping an eye on him myself. We sort of both use the time at MIL's as "time out" and let her take over while we regain our energy LOL... but I guess we are sending some wrong messages out to her.

You're right about letting the smaller things slide Haid. The food thing is not a big deal in the scheme of things, I was just trying to paint a general picture of her.

I also agree we are going to have to be adults and "step up to the plate". I have stood up to my own mother on a couple of occasions regarding the boys, and she didn't like it at all, but I stood my ground and I bet she respects me for doing so.

 

I have the exact opposite problem. We could be over at my MIL's house and either I or their father will correct the kids. She will undermine us and say, "it's okay, you're at GRANDMA's house." It pisses me off so bad. We tell her that WE are their parents, but she doesn't get it. It really is getting to the point where we won't go over there at all...

 

I tell my parents and in-laws how to handle our children as far as discipline goes, if needed, when my husband or I are not around (which is rare). I would be absolutely furious to find out that they had gone against our wishes.

 

Yea, that is terrible. I couldn't deal with that at all.

 

I agree with what most of you said - when I have kids, my husband and I will be the ones to discipline them, nobody else. If we leave them with a "babysitter" (it probably WILL be one of the grandmas, but we trust them) rules will be set for discipline, and the normal house-rules for whoever's house they're in (if they don't want the kids playing with certain things, if they're running around screaming and such, etc.).

The only time I really "discipline" kids that aren't mine are my sister-in-law's kids. She isn't a good mother at all, and prefers to just sit there watching soap operas, waits until they're doing something wrong, and scream at them. They're so used to it, they usually just scream back. When they're here (they live in Manitoba) my husband and I take the time to EXPLAIN why they shouldn't be doing whatever they're doing (when they misbehave), and they're perfect little angels around us.

Another time - and the ONLY other time - is when friends bring their kids to our house. We have a dog, and he's considered an "extra large breed" at 1yr. old... he's bullmastiff, boxer, rottweiler and lab. I'm sure you could understand WHY we set rules for kids playing with our dog, and we don't frreak out over small things. He's well-trained, especially to be around kids (because it was obvious from the start that he loved little ones - they never run out of energy to play) but he's slap-happy with his paws because his first trick was "shake a paw/other paw", and he's big enough to very-very-easily knock me over, not to mention little ones. We just have to tell them that they aren't allowed to climb on him, hit him, torment him by making loud noises directly at him, etc. Parents are always VERY understanding about this, so it's never been a problem.

 

My MIL does a similar thing too. She has it in her mind that she's allowed to spoil them because she's their nanna and that's what nannas do (apparently).

 

I am glad you were able to stand up to your own mother. That shows strength and belief in yourself. Good job!

As for:

I think you can see what the trouble is with this. You are putting your kids in a situation that even YOU don't want to be in. Not really fair for them. I can guarentee that is she wants to move close to you, she will, whether you let her watch the kids once a week or not. This is a pretty manipulative thing for her to say. By doing what you are doing, you are giving her exactly what she wants.

As for the thrift stores. Is there a reason they can't go? I literally took my kids everywhere with me from the time they were born. I understand wanting some time to yourself, but a few hours once a week may be a lot to ask, if your children are young. Can your dh be with them while you go in the evening? I don't ever say "dad and babysit" in the same time as people cannot "babysit' their own children. But, of course, dads can take care of thier own children!!!! If you do need occasional time to yourself, shouldn't it be dad who takes care of them?

The only way to "train" grandparents is to BE THERE. If there are things you allow, and they don't, then BE there, so YOU can enforce, "Gramma doesn't want you running in the house." (Which a lot of older people don;t like because it makes them nervous, their houses usually aren't baby proofed, and YOU enforcing it is really more appropriate. AND, it is their house, so if they don't want the kids running around, I can understand that.) My father loves to play with the kids, but a lot of noise bothers him, so I am there, when they are at his house or he is at mine, so I can enforce, "Let's use indoor voices so grandpa doesn't get nervous." OR have them over to your house, that way, there won't be any discuassion about what is "allowed." If you are't there, you don't know what is going on. Also, letting her manipulate you with "If you don't let me do what I want, I'll move right next door." then in her mind, she is "winning" and relationships should never be about "winining."

I think you know the answer here. If YOU don't like being around her, investigate why. And, don't put your children in company that even YOU can't stand. It isn't fair to them. Your home is a better place, as then YOU can make the rules (only if you are present, though, don't have her "babysit" at your house, or it will be just as bad, and she may be the type to go through your things.)

Good luck.

 

DeathRow, it is the most common thing in the world for kids to be "perfect angels" with people they can't trust as much as their own mamas. This is due to novelty, as well as fear of the unknown. It has nothing to do with the non-parent having better parenting skills. Until you have your own, you have no idea how hard it is. And, you will see your OWN children being perfect angels with people who they don't spend all day with, as well.

Kids "Let their hair down" and are able to not be afraid to express themselves with their own mamas. They often "behave" around others due to not knowing that they are in a temporary situation where they don't know if forgiveness is a given or not. Most teachers, as well as adppted parents experience this "Honeymoon Period" with chlldren. Once children know that the relationship is permanent and that the person will forgive, no matter what, the relationship changes to a more realistic, healthy and predictible one.

I am not saying that your love for these children is not heathy and good, but just that they are more comfortable with their mama, thus feel they can "try" more and still be loved. It says nothing about parenting skills. But, most people don't beleive this, until they have their own.

 

Thanks Maggie.

I think the big problem is my husband.

I said to him this morning "I don't want to start an argument okay but let's do that strategy we came up with when we go to your mum's tomorrow" and he said "Did we come up with a strategy?" and I had to explain it to him all over again. He said "As long as you DO it" and I said "We BOTH have to do it". So I get the impression that it's all going to go out the window where he's concerned.

I think my husband really wants her to follow us. He uses it to manipulate me. If I complain about something she did after a visit he says "Well you were the one who wanted to move out here"... implying that I can't have my cake and eat it too - I just have to put up with it or else she'll move in with us or follow us. Before we moved she kept hinting that she wants to move in with us one day (I think I would rather kill myself).

She does babysit the kids at our house but I'm beginning to make that a rarity. She stays overnight each time because it's a fair way for her to travel (one hour - whoop-ti-do I think, but my husband worries about her driving all that way by herself in her old car. BUT she is buying one almost brand new right now). Basically the precedent has been created now so that's what happens when she visits. I feel completely suffocated by her when she does stay over and I just want to strangle her by the time she goes.

When I type all this out it all sounds so stupid. But believe me, we were seeing a marriage counsellor about her. I think we need to go back. Husband's brother (his only sibling) moved overseas with his family and a big reason they don't want to come back is because of her.

The thrift store thing... I go to one that is very popular and full of people, with narrow through-ways, it would be next to impossible to manouvre a twin stroller through it. I did it once and swore never again. I spend about 2 hours at this place looking for things to sell on Ebay, and Charlie gets very grumbly if he stays in his stroller for too long. Owen is fine but Charlie can't stand to stay still. When I let him go he puts everything he finds in his mouth.

 

Oooo, boy, she did a number on him........(not all that uncommon, but still, it sucks, especially when your husband is also being so Passive Aggresive.)

I think you may be getting to the root of it here. Have you two been married long? How old is he? Did he go right from her house into your marraige? He have been very dependent on her. He may not realize that this is for GOOD, and that now he's the Daddy and he needs to grow up.

Have you thought about counseling? Even if he won't go, it could still be helpful for you. I went years ago, and my dh wouldn't (his family doesn't "believe in that psychology shit" Nice, that's what I got a couple of my degrees in....... probably one of the reasons his family is so weird about it.) But, just my learning better strategies to the two of us working together really helped.

I forgot you have twins, and they are ONE year old. Yeah, I can see it would be a mess in a tiny shop. Can daddy at least be with them then, so you can have a few peaceful minutes to do your thing? I mean, if your also selling the stuff on E Bay, your dh should consider this your JOB, thus, he really should be thankful, Yeah?

Good luck. Those first few years with kids and inlaws are always rough. But, if we put our feet down, and let everybody know what we mean and what we are made of, it makes the rest of the relationship better.......not perfect, but better.

 

Their mother IS terrible. When we take them out, people think they're ours. All we hear is "Auntie, auntie.." and same with them calling the husband "uncle". The problem IS their mother. Like I said, she'll sit there, watch soap operas, and scream at them. ALL day. Joseph, our nephew, is 4. He kicks holes in the walls at home, beats the living sh-t out of his dad, and throws HUGE fits in public. That is not acceptable for a four-year-old... they let him get away with it. Cheyanne is 3, and she's pretty much the same. They still get cranky and refuse to go to bed when they're tired, don't behave on long car rides, etc.
When we had them, they would lay with us on the couch when they got tired, mumble to us until they fell asleep, and wake us up, first-thing, if they woke up during the night. They do NOT do that with their parents... because they might get into trouble. So what do they do? Pee the bed because they might get in trouble for asking help "going potty". Get scared alone in their rooms in the dark, and cry and cry until they're crying loud enough to wake the parents, and THEN get into trouble and cry some more. With us, they wake us up for help 'going potty'. They crawl right into bed with us if they stay over and wake up, unable to get back to sleep. Cheyanne curled up against me once (she thought I was sleeping) and pulled my arm over her, fell asleep again right away, and they made requests for breakfast the next morning. Their parents feed them cold sugary cereal, and they wanted eggs and sausage. We went on a long car ride with Cheyanne and she acted up the entire time, sitting between me and her mom the way there. On the way back, I asked my husband to sit with us (the mother-in-law was driving) and she was perfect. She asked for help to take her coat and shoes off (instead of doing it herself and screaming/crying when her mom tried to help) and then asked if I could cover her with the sweater I wasn't wearing, because it's comfier than sitting there in her shoes and coat. Her mom said she was surprised that Cheyanne curled up against me and slept, because she doesn't usually do that with other people.
Fear of the unknown? Not as much trust? They're scared to ask nicely for things, with their mom, so they just do it. They are the way they are around us because we're patient and understanding with them.