sleep issues are maxing me out

oh dear... being raised with attachment parenting doesn't create dependent little whiny cry-babies. Pushing your child away when s/he really needs you only teaches the child that you don't care and won't be there for them. Babies are not manipulating their parents, that is an adult motivation and not part of what goes on in their heads. They cry when they need comfort. Refusing them that comfort only teaches them not to cry, it does not stop them from needing comfort. Studies have actually shown that the more responsive the parents are to their children's needs, the more independent they become. Dr. Spock had it all wrong, too bad so many people still believe in his methods of raising "independent" children.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130400.asp

 

Yes but when the time comes that they can do things on their own, like dealing with sleeping by themselves, making some of their own food and finding their way with other kids on their own I believe you need to do so. Not always when they want to. In their lives they will always have to do things they do not want or that make them nervous. I don't want to teach my children that they need me to deal with being nervous or afraid. Once they realize that they can deal with situations on their own it frees them to learn how to deal with difficulties themselves.

It should end when they are old enough/mature enough to start handling fear and disappoint on their own. IMO, I don't think having kids over two years old sleeping with you is a good idea. I don't think letting them know sleeping with adults is not ok is harming them at all.

Your kids are still very young. I am in no way telling you how to raise your kids. I am just stating my opinions. I have a 6 and a 5 year old and both slept through the night fine by themselves from the time they were born. They slept in a crib in our room for the first year but by themselves. I have never had to go through the crying either but I never had to force them to switch to their own beds, they were used to it and liked it.

First, your child does not need you to sleep. Second, you won't always be there for them. They need coping skills developed and not just when they are all grown up.

Bingo we have a winner. Why would you want them to cry when they need comfort. When you are not around who are they crying to? Maybe you are the type that never let their kids away from you. They need to know how to cope and deal with their own issues without crying and looking to others for constant support. Again this is my opinion.

 

Jesus Christ this little girl isn't even two yet, she obviously still needs her parents around, so if there's no major reasons why co-sleeping would be harmful then yeah go for it.


My own parents would comfort me whenever I cried because I needed them then; but it sure didn't take long for me to figure it out by myself. With that foundation of attachment I was content to make my way in the world because I knew when it got too much someone would be there to help me out (and we never fully loose that, after all don't adults look to their friends for suppourt?). They didn't co-sleep per se but they'd still comfort my brother and I had bad dreams until we were ten; because we needed it. Then once that need passed, as these things always do, I was completely fine. Now they bitch at me for going off to my own place and not calling as often as they'd like. So hmm no seperation anxiety there.

Children are only young for a short time in the grand scheme of things, developing at their own pace. Patience and following a child's cues are so important, which is how parents know when the time is right. They've got the rest of their lives to go off and see the world, and if they take it at their own pace then everyone will be happier for it.

 

I grew up in a "family bed" situation. We all had our own beds as well, but often when I was a small child the whole lot of us would all curl up together in my folks' big bed (reading books, telling about our days, etc.) In other ways besides this my family was more "attatched" than most any I've ever known. And you know, my parents had four kids; EVERY ONE of us grew up to be a totally functional, happy, healthy adult. As has been said before - we had a solid, happy place to "take off" from. We all knew without a doubt that we would ALWAYS be safe and loved and understood with our parents and our family. So it was not difficult to go off an try new things, become new people and live our lives. When we were hurt, injured, or mentally scarred by what we saw in the world, we would always have the comfort of knowing that we had a family who loved us and would welcome us with open arms if need be.

... And knowing that, many more times than not, we have chosen to do our own thing and figure it out for ourselves. Having that strong base has given us the strength of mind and character to believe in ourselves. When my parents told me "you can be/do WHATEVER YOU WANT when you grow up" they meant it. And more importantly, since I'd never been given a real reason to doubt them, I BELIEVED IT.

 

You don't need to sleep with your children to have this. I do. I have a very close relationship with my parents and appreciate everything they taught me and still sometimes teach me. I always slept in my own bed. You don't have to not be there for your child but conforting them and getting them in a mindset to tackle sleeping alone without fear and anxiety is not the same as not supporting them.

 

But if you think about it, adults need hugs, touches, love, and such to feel good and safe. And I know personally, and I'm not the only one, I sleep better when I know someone is sleeping next to me.

If we expect that mom and dad will sleep in the same bed, why would we make a child sleep alone?

 

because they are not your spouse to be cuddled up with. Children should just not be in adults beds period once they reach a certain age. Your children are going to live with you to lets assume 18. Are you suggesting they be in your bed to feel safe and secure until then? Of coarse not. They need to learn they can be safe and secure and create that situation through their own independence and self reliance. Again, I am not saying they should be left on their own or that you should never confort them or hug them. Comforting, supporting and hugging do not equate with having to have your child in your bed.

 

Well, most firmly attached and family-bedding children, don't sleep with their parents until 18. Once they know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that even when asleep, their parent s are there to comfort and protect them, they can then sleep alone and be completely fine. And it's different for each child, and shouldn't be forced.

But parenting doesn't end when the kid goes to bed, and it's easier done when the child is in the family bed until they no longer need it.

 

Exactly, why should they have to wait to learn this. It is easily comprehended by a 2 year old.

Sorry there comes a time when adults sleeping with children becomes unhealthy for both.

I agree that it doesn't end but you can't always take the easy way out. Our children have monitors and we can hear anything they need to tell us or need help dealing with.

 

I work with the autistic and I'm going to use an example from my work because autistic children are like all other children. An autistic child I work with cried and cried to sleep with mom and dad. He would tantrum until he got his way. The parents did not give into him because it's a behavioral issue. Just like if he cries for candy or a toy. They only allow him to sleep in his bed because they know that it will develop into a serious behavioral issue. They don't love him any less. They have a baby monitor in his room, so if he wakes up or needs something they know to go to his room. These parents are GREAT parents because they are not giving into the child. They still give him hugs and kisses anytime he wants one. You can not say that this situation is different because he is autistic because in all honesty these children are just like every other child in this world.

 

Wow - I think its awful when parents let their kids cry themselves to sleep to "teach them". Poor kid.

 

I agree and to relate it back to the OP, if you put a child in bed and tell them to sleep there inforce it. It is worse to tell them they are to do something and then to cave then it is to just let them sleep with you. Once you put them in their own bed and tell them they are going to sleep there, then allow them to cry to get back in your bed, you just taught them that fit throwing gets results. With kids that are 2 and under it is really not that bad. Once kids get to 3 and beyond, trust me fit throwing needs to be discouraged. Its better to let them know they don't always get their way before this time comes. Like I stated before kids need to learn to deal with being uncomfortable on their own sometimes to because parents can't comfort them 24/7 and expect them to be self reliant later in life.

 

I still remember the horrors of being forced to sleep all by myself, and crying myself to sleep every night. Yes, EVERY night, I cried until I fell asleep, silently, so I wouldn't get in trouble for crying. Humans crave human contact, especially at night. It is not natural for us to sleep alone, most of us have to be taught that by parents who don't care if cosleeping would meet their child's very real need for comfort and human contact. Forcing a child to "cry it out" is never an option in my house, nor will it ever be. You can ask anyone who's met my kids, and they will tell you how independent and well-adjusted they are. My kids no longer cosleep every night, but the door is always open. The little one gets too hot, and I'm too snuggly for her comfort, most of the time she prefers to sleep alone. But when I woke up this morning, there she was laying right beside me as happy as can be.

 

If you don't teach your children that they don't always get what they want just because they are crying you are not doing them any favors in life. Unfortunatly, when you are not around the crying is not going to be considered so cute.

 

I am sorry it was tramatic for you. Your parents didn't start young enough in my opinion. My kids always sleep by themselves and they have never cried themselves to sleep once. It was normal for them. How are you guys intimate with your spouses when you have children in your bed all the time? Not knocking anyone, just wondering.

 

You know, sex just doesnt happen in a bedroom. Get creative.

 

oh, on the contrary. My parents NEVER allowed me to sleep with them, from the day I came home from the hospital.

Intimacy doesn't have to be unimaginative, and the kids aren't usually in the bed 24/7

 

Some kids may be more insecure being by themselves then others. I still don't think catering to those insecurities is the way to go. It seems your parents felt the same way. I wouldn't say most kids are that stressed out just sleeping in their own beds except for a couple of nights until they get adjusted.

Yes, I know sex doesn't always have to be in a bedroom but I can tell you my wife and I enjoy our time before sleep especially after catering to the kids all day. Sneaking off is fun to but a slow roll in your own bed is nice as well. At the ages my kids are you never know what they are into if you leave them alone too long. I just wouldn't be comfortable with my kids showing up in my room unexpected all the time if you know what I mean. I doubt we are going to change each others opinions but it has been a nice conversation none the less. Thanks.

 

OMG, I can't even read anymore. I'm kinda disgusted

We area cosleeping family. I'm raising my children to KNOW that I am near 24/7. It was my choice to have children so I ahve to own up to the responcibility to care for them. Rocking/nursing/cuddling someone in the middle of the night is FAR FROM taking the easy way out. It is rather hard IMO to be a dedicated nighttime parent. The easy way out is to stick you kid in a crib, slam the door and go have martinis with your friends. About the autistic child, that's sad I'd be less inclined to introduce a seperate bed to an autistic child. And Bumble, you said he still gets love and hugs anytime he wants? Well, that's wrong. He's telling his parents that he has a need, he needs them to help him fall asleep, by not fulfilling that need, his behavior will suffer, then the aprents may even become more detached from him

All I know is that I can;t wait to hear my grown kids talk about the way they were parented as small children....."my mom nursed me and held me close all night"

Learning how to fall asleep on your own is a VERY hard thing to learn. I will never make my kids do it untill I know they are MORE then developed to handle it. My kids are 0, 2 and 4 and the babe gets nursed to sleep in our bed, #2 gets nursed to sleep often in her and her sister's bed and #1 gets cuddled untill she is asleep. I ahve VERY independant children that love me

 

We Mamas know we are doing right when we listen to our hearts rather than what other people say. We know that our children's needs are very real, and we choose to place those needs higher than our wants. We also know that it's okay to say no to child's wants when they conflict with our needs. And that, in a nutshell, is what attachment parenting is all about.

thank-you-very-much-Elvis-has-left-the-building