"I Prefer We Not Talk About It"

Hannah, this may be off topic, but you are a very good writer and I generally enjoy reading what you have to say. Have you considered doing anything with that? if not as a career, at least as a side project, for an advice column or something?

Back on topic: I have never experienced something like this. All of my girlfriends just tell me about their past. When its all said and done, I believe things are better left in the past. The main reason my past girls (and current) withheld any information is because they were ashamed of something they did. I respect the fact that they simply matured. I would rather not take the risk of being associated with anything negative in any gfs concious or sub concious. I don't want to talk to her about relationships in a negative light, I would rather keep the positive vibes.

I can attempt to give advice: If this guy ever happens to state what he likes in you, or what he looks for in a girl, that is a subtle hint. Often what we list in an ideal mate is the opposite of something we experienced in a past relationship. If its important enough to mention, it is something he lacked in a past relationship, I (almost) guarantee it. If he emphasises loyalty with you, an ex likely cheated on him, and so forth. Than you put together the puzzle pieces with other related knowledge.

 

Actually, no. He's the only one effectively trying to put himself in the guy's shoes, and explain things from that point of view (even if he can't speak for all men). His insight helps a lot. All I'm getting from you is to back off, and that I'm wrong. Chill? I have no intention of manipulating whoever here. And I know that it is wrong. You're preaching to the choir. It's about understanding how to deal with from my perspective also.

For goodness sake, if it were gay for half his life, or who he slept with last, I don't care. Well, I do care, but it certainly would not bother me. That past is past. His past is now his future. Children don't disappear. Marriage vows don't dissolve unless there's a divorce. I hope this clarifies things for you.

 

Definitely agree. I'm not going icy cold though lol, and I don't hold grudges. Frankly it's because my memory doesn't retain most of them, and while I'm uncomfortable, I would not drop everything just because of this. At the same time, I was just trying to explain that emotions are a funny thing. And when they grow cold, they just do, and there's little there or nothing there anymore. He's still the same special person I know and I'll always appreciate him that way. His care for me has always been unconditional. I can't put a timer on him. Either way, I'll take the time to let things unfold as they should, and actually not think about it too much. I'm not in contact very often with his family so it's not such a painful reminder, or gaping hole with a question mark. It only really hurts when he tells me how he feels about me, and I feel obliged to reciprocate... but the words feel a bit empty and hollow. Sort of clouded and tainted.

I don't have boundless, unlimited affection. I'll admit to it first. And though it may sound cold and selfish and harsh, I often wonder why I'm here with him anyway. That it's just a waste of time and emotion to keep dabbling in something that goes nowhere, or feels hollow, insincere. Anyway, we'll see.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read through this!

 

Thanks. That was a pleasant surprise. One of my undergraduate degrees was in Engl, and going on to MA in it, funny you asked.. and have written in a couple of columns. Not advice though - a little too presumptuous for me. The first time I started it was a strange experience. They told me to "loosen up my language" and drop the academic tone. It was hard, and definitely two different types of writing. I always say university destroyed me. lol.

Thank you also for sharing that, and I'll keep that in mind for sure. So simple but it hadn't occurred to me about the reverse psychology. I also don't like dredging up bad experiences - why make the time you have together uncomfortable? In that sense, I treasure whatever time we have.

 

Yes , your written style is very polished- unlike my slack , lazy mess on here! lol.

Im actually trying to write my first novel at the moment.
Im sometimes caught between trying to be fresh , and well , "novel" and following schools of thought for structure and style.

I dont think university could have destroyed your expressive skills , far from it.
What anyone who feels theyve been "over-taught" needs to do , IMO , is to reignite the more personal aspects of their expression.
I try and imagine who my reader is , and imagine myself as a "different type of me" or another person.

I think developed skills eg acquired academically can actually be liberating . It means the structure and clarity is often taken care of earlier in the process.
I just try not to let academic skills shut out the soul and the feeling , the individuality of my writing.

I think of the skills/ structuring as the framework/body and the sentence style as the finish , the gloss ,the face or the "soul".

BTW I think your written style is relaxed but very eloquent.

Hope you find what it is that seems missing with your guy!So you can move forward.

 

There are things I've done that I wouldn't go near regardless of who asked.

 

People who have moved on are not afraid to talk about their past. They may say it was a difficult time in their life, that they don't like talking about it, but they acknowledge what happened. They don't ignore the subject, try to pretend it never happened, insist the subject be changed, and hide it from someone they care about. "Fear" imo, is a good indicator. If the past is over and done with, if it's inconsequential, they aren't afraid of it.

As you stated somewhere, your situation is a catch-22; push him on the point and he may explode or run away. Don't ask him about it and you remain dealing with a person who has baggage (and you're picking up on it). It's a gamble, either way. IMO, choose the option which wastes the least amount of your time in trying to figure out if it's going to work or not. If he can't even tell you if he's still married when you ask, turn around and peace out. There are people in this world who should be tattooed until they're cleared by licensed professionals as "safe to fall for". Until then.... good luck

 

First while I respect your moral stand it is unreasonable to say if he is married in any way that you want nothing to do with him. There are issues that should be considered, for example my divorce took 5 years (long story). My current husband and I were together during the part of process (2+ years), and he helped me get through it. Some people can't just get divorced and be done with it in 6 months....are we supposed to stay out of relationships? Trust me, the day I walked out the door the relationship was over.....but the paperwork took forever. If a man had issue with my still being legally married it was a deal breaker. I was not in love with my ex, and it was not something that I was doing that made the divorce take forever. I had to suffer through a legal nightmare, and the last thing I needed was someone else judging me for moving on with my life.

Second, some men are not into expressing themselves. What do you want to know exactly? You know he was married, and has a kid....what more do you need to know? Does he need to open old wounds to reassure you? Maybe it is something he would rather forget...you might want to let him.

I would suggest that you seriously look at your "relationship". It seems to me after reading all the posts that you want answers to things that he does not want to talk about. So, you can either say "ok" and let it go, or drive both of you nuts by prying. Maybe he is lying to you and still married, seems to be something that has crossed your mind...try listening to that inner voice because sometimes it is right. Not saying he is, but to think about why you thought he might be.

Not trying to be negative, but from experience the more someone wants to pry into my past the more I tend to avoid talking about it. What I did 10 years ago is no ones business unless I want to talk about it. Period! If my husband wanted to dig up my past I would seriously question his motivation.

 

Thank you. It was reassuring to read your post. I understand what you are saying and am willing to drop the whole deal if it does not coincide with my own beliefs, or if he remains clammed up.

I understand what you mean. Unfortunately I do not agree with you, and neither do I agree with what your current beau did hanging around while you were still married. Honestly, I wish you all the happiness but I think we're functioning on two different planes. Your insight is helpful nonetheless. Thanks.

It seems the existence of a child doesn't mean anything to a few of you here. It's not the marriage, it's the explanation of another person. I'm not asking how many times he's gotten a blow job. I'm asking about his family. If that means dredging up the past, so be it. I'm not settling for a slipshod, ladida, fairytale relationship full of illusions and unwanted surprises.

It's definitely been helpful reading all of your responses and I've come out with a better idea of where I stand by replying to them also. I know what I want and what I don't want. So thank you again, everyone.

Perhaps for other things, but this is certainly something that I absolutely make NO compromises with.

 

Hey Hannah

I just joined up to reply because I was reading through parts of this thread and noticed I completely share your opinion, if that is any consolation at all. Unfortunately it does seem an unpopular opinion.

Girls I have been with in the past would often not open up to me about their past or issues that I thought they are trying to conceal from me, and this used to drive me totally *insane*. I learned to deal with it and accept people are just like this though. It often did come back at me that they were hiding something, but more often than not I think it is just a personality thing.

I know when I asked my ex why she would avoid my questions she said it felt like she was being 'investigated/interrogated', I don't know how valid that was, but I did accept the explanation.

I can say is that from my personal experience people don't require any kind of sharing of the past or information they don't seem to think is needed to be shared, and supposedly people also often think they have no obligation to either. Well I do strongly disagree like you, but that's what I've come to accept over time.

The only options I guess would be to accept it or to look for someone who would be willing to open up about these issues. The personality of most people probably won't be inclined towards this, probably mostly due to the conditioning of modern social behavior. However I'm sure there are a few people out there that will not be so hostile about it, I do know because I am one of them like I said...


Take care and all the best to you

 

"It seems the existence of a child doesn't mean anything to a few of you here. It's not the marriage, it's the explanation of another person. I'm not asking how many times he's gotten a blow job. I'm asking about his family. If that means dredging up the past, so be it. I'm not settling for a slipshod, ladida, fairytale relationship full of illusions and unwanted surprises."

I cannot speak for others but my children mean everything to me and I would give my life to protect them.

As for asking about his child and he doesn't want to talk about it, well it could be

a.) he doesn't want to share that part of his life with you, or;
b.) he is a dead beat and doesn't want to tell you the truth

I am sure there is a (C) but those two are the usual case scenarios that I have observed.

As for the being with someone while the divorce is pending I have no guilt nor regrets. That however is my life, not yours. The beautiful thing about life is that people can disagree.....it doesnt make anyone wrong, just different.