Begging for relat help , advice , insight /ideas pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaas!!!!

Hi All , well Im at my wits end with a little problem Ive been having!!
Maybe I shouldnt but I am.

Sorry its a disjointed mess , its late and Im tired!

Ive been trying to work out an answer but just cant get anywhere so Im asking / praying / BEGGING for some help.
( Ive even tried bloody tarot cards!!!-)

BTW , I used to post on here a huge amount , but I objected to the change in policy re pics and the introduction of charging there - that and hippy principles and profit.

Anyways ,
OK Ive known this girl for a pretty long time.( bumping intoeach other a couple of times a week etc)
We’ve both been in other relats from pretty much the time we’ve known each other.

But we did get on really well , and there IS a real chemistry there , which I never pushed for the above reasons ( and the fact that my work was very demanding , drawing me away from a commitment at the time).

Frankly I thinkwe both feel some contact together would make a huge amount of sense , as we have a lot in common , chemistry and a quiet fascination about me , on her part .( altho she lives with a guy)

Anyway , this post is (MUCH?)more about friendship than anything else.

Whilst I don’t know her guy , I get the feeling , well , if Id have pushed in the past , Id have won hands down.But maybe that’s irrelevant

She recently moved to another town in Britain ( that’s where we both live).
It’s a town I visit a huge amount , infact Ive got a lot more roots there than where I currently live.
Infact for several years Ive been close to moving there for my business , and the fact most of my closest friends live there( weird coincidence eh!)

She moved away to live with her boyfriend of a year or so.
Before she left , naturally I said words to the effect , “Lets keep in touch yeah and I’ll introduce you to my friends ( male and female ) up there , when I’m up there , so you settle in well”
So I asked what her new number was , to ring her on.

She said that would be good ,
and said that she like us to meet up again when Im there , then she thought , and said that her boyfriend would be extremely unhappy ( they’ve talked about marriage etc) about it , so she said , “I can ring you about meeting up if you give me your number instead"

Now normally Id play all the dating games Ive learnt over the years and say “No I don’t give my number to anyone if they wont give me theirs in return”

(not trying to look arrogant , but I thought “bloody hell Ive got the mobile number of seriously rich business men , why the fuck is she so important I cant have her new number “- if you know what I mean. I just think its a bit off if you know what I mean - particularly given that she didnt know for a fact my last relationship was finished )

Or Id say , “Well I’ll send you and email “ or “Don’t worry I know you’ve made a commitment with him and the last thing Id ever want to do is drop you in it with him”

Anyway , as I know her as a friend , I thought “ok” , so I shrugged my shoulders and thought “ok give me a ring when youre there”.

I know that was silly of me , but when its someone you’ve known for a long time , I just think , fairness and being genuine and the truth will win out , instead of playing the courtship games etc. ( ok very silly , and naive maybe)

As you may have guessed , Ive recently been up to her new town twice , but no , I didn’t get her call to meet up.
Sure I could’ve got her number easy as hell , but I thought , “Ahh fuck it , let her call“.
___________________________________
We discussed it again before she left and I again said it would good for us to stay friends and meet up , up there.And she said again that her bf would not be happy with certain things.
I said “well bring him along , I don’t want to cause you any problems with him”

Anyway , we eventually said our goodbyes and she looked me in the eyes and said “I *WILL* see you again , Ive got your number” , in an intense , deeply reassuring manner.

I didn’t see my face ofcourse , but it was probably “ yeah yeah ok , I believe you , err sort of…you silly twat..”

Then we held hands looking at each other for a few seconds , in sort of a limbo land.

I was thinking “Yep Ive really fucked this one up”

Im adamant she was thinking “I really want to meet up , but Ive made my commitment , we’ll meet up some time or other , or maybe she thought
maybe I’ll ( She’ll) be single again one day and I’ll be in a win win situation”

In other words , it was all reassurance from her ,but I just felt Id handled it very wrong,
__________________
Well Ive been thinking about it a few times ( ok more than a few!).
We really would get on terrifically well , and she knows this.

Before we talked about meeting up again , I mentioned my work , which she tended to show a big interest in ( Im a fair bit older than her and more progressed in it.She asked if I could arrange her a job / career , with my group.
The first time I said I could look at a few things in a loose sense .Shortly after I mentioned us meeting up again.

The next time we met , I promised to do whatever I could if I had a vacancy that was suitable.
_____________________________________________
Personally I now think ( well part of me , anyway)
“the cheeky ( that means rude!) sod. Asking me for a job , and she doesn’t even trust me with her bloody number”

But I also think “Yes she really likes me but she realises she lives with her boyfriend and cant cancel /risk her life with him , if I end up not interested in a commitment to her”.

I also remember how she really wanted to tell me that , even tho we’d only recently moved into the potential relationship category ( from pure friend) , that we WOULD see each other again.
__________________
Frankly I just think it’s a big shame if we couldn’t stay friends for the time being.

Am I being over sensitive or stupid , or should I say shes being arrogant , or cowardly , or uncaring or what?

I don’t think shes got the balls to call me now , but I think I’ll probably see her when she comes back to where I live.But even then I don’t know what to say , do , or not say.

Anyway , many thanks for reading all , Im desperate for some helpful advice , ideas or insight.
Ok Im begging,!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many thanks again
Best wishes Self Styled.

PS does anyone think this is an even more pathetic story than the one about the lap dancer I went out with.?LOL.
To be honest I HATE relationships !!! lol

 

I'm sorry I didn't read it all but from what I did it MAY be....

she wants back up for when she and her boyfriend don't work out. Not so much a bad thing. Maybe she see's potential (or at the very least just likes you as a friend) but she also does in her relationship so she doesn't want to trade one for the other, just wait and see what happens to the first before she begans on the second

It would be strange tho if she has other male friends that are Okay and you are not

 

women won't call. think how many other guys she could be dating during the weeks it takes you to call her. men amuse me with their games when you fairst start dating...ya you wait 72 hours to call me because you've seen the movie swingers one too many friday nights home alone and I'll be eating dinner and kissing on a different guy because you're too arrogant to call. yes men, seems like a great dating system ya'll follow...the 72 hour rule, I'll wait for her to call me.
get some of that blood out of your dick from jacking off to the thought of her, let it flow to brain and pick up the phone and dial you douche.
I am sorry this was a note to all men-just so you know the truth and how stupid you look trying to play it cool.

 

^
He was just saying he's sick of those silly games. Do you think it's easy being a guy, being forced to make the first move all the time? It strikes me as damn cowardly of women, despite it being "that's just the way things are". Actually, it's pathetic that men have to do the calling first, and it's bad enough that they have to deal with what's appropriate (generally speaking). All women do is sit on their royal, fat arses waiting for a ring or their pussy will expire in another ring tone "PLEASE FUCK ME". As a result it welcomes another man. For goodness sake.

Your response is disconcerting and while I agree it may just be the way things are, I loathe any man reading this thread would so much as dare to think making out with another man just because the one we like didn't call is what all or most women do.

_________________________________________

Self-Styled,
Okay, I read the whole thing. Maybe that's more pathetic than you writing it? =P Kidding.

I don't think her being protective of her mobile number is unreasonable. She's probably gotten a lot of non-platonic vibes from you and would like to keep her distance, due to the fact that she's also attached to someone else.

Numbers are a funny thing too. People are so self-conscious about it because it's not as easy as changing an email address. Rather obvious, right?

I don't think you should feel terrible for the way she asked you about the job. People just take their chances and she did with you. It strikes me as humbling that she put herself beneath you in a sense, and did ask you for help in that area.

You are arrogant, stubborn and a little reckless, seeing as she's attached. Why are you still so enamoured with someone you cannot have? And no one give me that nonsense about "people want what they can't have". I'd personally tell you to back off both for hers and your own good. If you go on seeing her with those kinds of emotions, you won't be seeing her on level ground, the likelihood of maintaining an honest friendship is pretty much blown. My respect for her and you are out the window because you're also responsible for a third party's wellbeing and emotions (her boyfriend). It's nothing personal, I mean it even if you both were just hypothetical figures.

 

it's biological we go for the one that can be there and provide the most of everything the quickest. I can't help the way I'm wired and to answer your question id on't want to be with a guy who isn't bold enough to call me the next day after I gave him my number-or even that night. my longest relationship was with somone who called me 5 minutes later as soon as I left. ya gotta make them work or they treat you like crap...unfortunate but true, wish it wasn't. I love to be loving but most guys like bitches and that's why I haven't had long relationships because as soon as I am kind it is mistaken for weakness.

 

Well, it's really up to you and it's definitely a personal thing. But I don't agree with the biological play right there. People get too skewed with behavioural patterns in DNA and other schmooze, to be honest. I could also say it's unnatural that monogamy happens, period. A great deal of people may refute my claim.

I understand what you mean about weakness but I think this has much more to do with the crowd you choose rather than something that is prevalent all the time, everywhere. It is not. Then it comes back to what your interests are and the kinds of people you attract.

It's crucial to put my foot down, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to partake or stoop to their level. And sell my soul to those bastards? I think not. I ordered a gentleman, thanks.

 

and guys with good manners call in a timley manner not days or weeks.

I guess it does depend on whom you generally see.

 

bascially call the bitch tommorow early in the morning and ask to do something saturday night (that way you call her before other people have time to make weekend plans with her and she knows you cared enough to make sure you got a date). good luck.

 

For any free Internet advice remember
'Buyer beware.'

 

so i lightly browsed through your post. my advice is, join reality. this is not a romantic hollywood love story. if she calls you some day, then thats fine. if not, then oh well. ive found that if someone dosent want me in thier life, then theres no reason for me to want them in mine.

 

Just be weary of coming off as a creep - not saying you are. But do not push anything! You aren't in the right position to do that. This isn't two singles chasing each other, remember. If she says no to giving you her number - drop it. If she does not want to hang out somewhere - drop it. If she says she will call - trust her, and don't bring it up. In this situation, she has the power. Already thats not healthy, don't give her reason to gain more and lose respect because you keep pushing. remember she has a boyfriend and like someone else said, you are responsible for a strangers well being. i can't imagine it would bode well for your karma if you broke up a relationship and crushed the heart of another man.

Also, I got subtle vibes, well, more than subtle, that you are desperate. and girls can not stand that. So now you are a desperate man pushing things a little to much..her creep radar may be beeping a little, so just let down.

when you see her, keep a genuine smile on your face. you have no reason to be disapointed, NONE.

"so I shrugged my shoulders "

no negativity, thats a big turn off, even for friendships. Just be happy to have her time. She is risking her relationship to at least chill with a guy that likes her. I am certian she knows you have feelings, girls are more intutive than men after all, ten fold. so it is a risk for her, as far as her relationship.

As for the job, she inquired about that because again, she knows you like her and knows you would do a lot for her. She knows she would get a job, if it were up to you. Obviously it is not but you are able to pull string I am sure, and both of you know that I am sure. But be weary of her using your feelings for her own self advancement.

Go out and meet other SINGLE girls. Just get yourself out. There are 6.5 billion people on this earth. 3.25 billion ladies. Please tell me you don't believe in the one true soul mate. There are multiple ladies on this earth that would be right for you, and that holds true for anyone, just a matter of meeting one of them. So get yourself out there, don't put all your chips into one bowl so to speak. When you have options, you have confidence, and girls like that.

 

Hi All
Well many thanks for the advice and opinions!!

Firstly I ‘ve known her a long time , well over a year and a half.
Initially I didn’t think she was my type - probably too young and I tend to go for degree girls , whereas her job was not much over minumum wage.
( I don’t mean that in a nasty way , just in the way things are)

I have been avoiding a
monogamous relat, because I work long hours and just wanted the fun and no commitments.I have dabbled around , and that’s worked fine for me.

What put me out was the friendship side of things.
I mean I could’ve used the “guide book” if you know what I mean to get her phone number eg yeah Ive got a job for u coming up soon , I’ll give you a ring”
OR Idve just exchanged email addresses- in a more nonchalant way.
Maybe winking at her saying “ Youd have to remember Im the boss tho” in a wind up sort of way.

Part of the job idea was for the group ie she’d be working for others , but the main thought was her working directly for me , in my office , paid out of my pocket.( Im boss of my company , which is part of a wider group).

Im sure I’ll bump into her again soon , theres a temptation to behave icy cold with her , on what I thought was rudeness grounds re pure friendship.

CRYSTAL
You hit a lot of the crux of the matter.
Yes I cant see her being so nevous with her other male friends .
I thought “yeah she ‘s worried she cant resist temptation”.
Maybe that’s me being a vain twat tho. I honestly dunno tho lol

LYNSEY
I don’t wanna get her number from someone else .
Sorry it’s the principle.
I know she pretty much loves him , shes prob pretty scared of him too!
But why should I bother - considering the rest

On your 2nd post , I always say if someone thinks they can play power games , I kick them into touch asap.
This , I gave more leeway to , because we know each other more.

HANNAH
Ok I was poss showing some non platonics ( but ONLY when she announced she was leaving)
If I was interested in a relat before ( which I wasn’t ) Idve jumped in.

Anway Ido value pure friendship - much more so than an easy screw.
I got some extremely nonplatonic vibes from her.
( I’m a lot older and more experienced than her btw)
Point noted re numbers , but as I said , she would’ve given it me , had it been from the working for me point of view.

Can I ask why your respect for her is out of the window?

For me , all I want is for everyone to make informed choices.
I’m not that enamoured with her in the “giving her one sense”.
I still have no idea re compatibility

The post was really all about friendship to me.
Yes ok * maybe* friendship leading to something else.

LYNSEY
Your other post.
Eh?Im lost youre saying I should get her number?
( Im even more confused LOL)
Nah , my view is fuck it , I’ll bump into her soon enough.

WAYFARER
I reckon she would ideally want me in her life, but she thinks having her cake and *thinking*theres caketo eat also , will cause her too much trouble.
I’ll always expressed my views about fun over monogamy in the past - even to her.
( yeah I know , my own worst enemy lol)

CARL
Don’t think Im really like that .I know how to play the games ( generally) but she seems to be the one looking to stack up what she can get , IMO

I honestly don’t think Im responsible for the 3rd party’s well being.
Desperate ?For her - as a relat? Sorry NOOOOOOO way.As a screw ? NOOOO WAY.
But .yes maybe it *could* be a terrific relationship

As a friend to keep in touch with - Hmmm ,Desperate enough to write a long posting but Ive got lots of friends , I don’t NEED another one. But yes I think , and I think we both think it would be nice.

The point was the job WAS up to me ,like a trainee position for her( more pay etc)

.I played it sort of“ Well maybe there’ll be something” all cool to begin , but she knew I could give her a job depending where my next office was opened up.Her suitability for the job was pretty average to low tho.
Besides , I mean if she doesn’t trust me as a friend , why the fuck should I trust her in my business?

Finally I am seeing other girls but its just sex .
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Many thanks again all.
Im still pretty baffled .
What do you guys reckon?
Any thoughts very much appreciated.Best regards.Self Styled.

 

I also think it' sa bit weird she wouldn't give you number if you've been friends for a while, but I've the feeling either she's started to have feelings for you and she doesn't want to ruin what she's got with her bf or hurt his feelings so is steering clear of you, or her bf has picked up on the fact you like her and she may recipercate your feelings and has blown her up about it. Either way, there's not much you can do here except see how things are between you when you meet again, but I wuldn't wait around for her and I wouldn't try making any sort ofmove on her while she's still with her bf.

 

I didn't mean my respect for her is out the window. I don't know her. But having known what it's like liking a person when they're already attached, I personally feel a bit disgusted with myself. And should I (not putting words in anyone's mouth, this is just my opinion) keep in touch with a guy I feel attracted to in some way *while* being with another person, I'd be extremely irritated with myself.

Ironically I have a recent example. An ex from about a year ago and I started speaking again after some time. We'd lost touch for several months and resumed our own lives. When we were together we weren't really together. It was more of a friends with benefits situation until things wore off and got awkward. We stopped speaking for awhile. Less than a month ago shortly after we started to catch up again, he tells me both that he's hooked up with an old friend and that he still is attracted to me.

I was so surprised I didn't know what to say. After all that we'd been through I thought that we'd happily just resume a friendship and stay away from what happened in the past (it was too chaotic). I tried to let it evaporate but we kept speaking until my frustration boiled over and I told him it was extremely unfair of him to come to me telling me about how he felt about me when there was another girl he was with. I was not so much thinking of myself but of her.

I hope I'm making myself clear. I understand that we sometimes feel attractions for separate people, on different levels. And perhaps that's how she feels about you. There's something... but there's also a lot preventing it, and she may even be happy with the guy she is now. All I can say is that I was uncomfortable, and angry with him for telling me what he did even though I can't fault him if it was making him uncomfortable if he *didn't* get it out in the open.

I've put it by, and so has he. He says him and the girl aren't hitting it off and it's very uncertain. I'm not sure if he's dropping hints or what but we will never work together, and my heart is somewhere else now.

That is what I mean that it would be difficult for me to respect her if she engaged in whatever hanky panky with you. Why can't you be happy for her?

-and I agree with Gypsy Girl regarding the number. It's a bit strange that you two have not exchanged it by now. So how much do you really know her?

I'm not nitpicking by the way. Just wondering. Hope things get better.

 

Hi Hannah
Thanks for your post.
Ok , maybe I shouldve said , I know her from our local pub.
Which is where she drank and worked full time too.( it tends to be quiet alot of the time , so wed chat when she was working too)

I didnt give her my number before , I was in semi-relats and seeing girls - so I didnt see the need - in any case I d see a few times a week anway.
And before she had her bf after shed "indicated interest" early on( bf is on the other side of the country).
So I didnt see a need to ask for her number either- I always knew where I could find her if I wanted - which Id never felt the need

I genuinely didnt want to spoil things with her bf , bearing in mind shed made a commitment
The phone numbers thing came up only really cos she was moving away , and I had been considering moving away too - so it was the best way to keep in touch.

I didnt see the need to pounce because things were ticking over nicely- friends , and the girls I was seeing anyway.

But over time , we got to know each other much more , and in say "guarded areas"
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Personally I think being friends doesnt do any harm.If she fancies me( which trying to be unbiased I m adamant she does) , then I havent done anything untoward -have I?
Shes an adult to make her own decisions , I think.
I just think the one she made was a bit childish , and double standards ish.
And ultimately not helpful to anyone.

Should I be offended? Or happy , thinking that she wants a solution I'll be happy with?( hard)
Or just think shes even more dizzy , clueless and stupid than I am?

As it stands I feel aggrieved purely on friends grounds.

Anyway , thanks again Hannah!

GYPSY Thanks for your post.
Her bf , I detected a paranoid , daggers look from once.But I think its more about her feelings , potential guilt and causing probs with her commitment.

My prob is , I dont know how to behave when shes back.

Anyway , many thanks again

 

Ah you British blokes always having the ladies all strung up. Yes, she's not a child. If you feel she's being fickle and unfair, then let it rest for the time being, I'd say. Sometimes people also need time to let things settle in, make decisions, close doors, open new ones. If this should not work, then she couldn't have felt that strong of an attachment to want to leave her current boyfriend.

When she comes back, how else should you behave but in a friendly manner? Call me obstinate but I still think you'd be grossly "untoward" if you acted any other way.

Why should she have her cake and eat it too? If being the guy on the side doesn't bother you then I say, live it up and have fun. (Though I feel bad for bf). But if it does, then don't sell yourself short.

......or you could go hire a detective to find out her mobile, complete with address, personal ID and whatever birthmarks she has.

 

Hey , us British blokes are the best!lol

It was never about her choosing , it was about friendship for me.
Maybe leading onto other stuff.

The dual standards Im unhappy about was re the "I want to work for you “ and then “but not giving you my number to meet up in my new town".

Id have no problem being a "guy on the side"- after all , Id be seeing someone else anyway if it was a fun situation.

BTW ,I just remembered something else.After she asked about having my number , as her bf would be livid , the tone of her voice dropped and she asked "Oh if er thats .. er ...ok with you... yes??"
ie
as if to say “ sorry that’s a bit presumptious of me , and maybe a bit rude”( ie thinking that shed probably/possibly offended me).
______________________________________________________________
Anway , Hannah
I note your point about being untoward , I just think I should express my view a bit more openly.
Do you mean I shouldn’t express any grievance , or not “step up my game” for a full on move on her ( the latter I had no intention of doing anyway)?

Personally after having read these posts Im probably even more cynical about people.
Play “the game” and I get on fine.Frankly its all a sport Ive come to the conclusion .
Give someone a glimmer of contradictory hope , pretend youre doing them a favour and they’ll tend to love it.
I feel sort of , its all , get a few girls and let *them* do the competing , don’t try and appeal to anyone’s sense of right and wrong , is what Im inclined to say.

(Its like the Armani jeans in the shop for £200 , vs. the Armani ones on the internet for £30 - youre sure the £200 ones are better , but really theyre the same damned jeans wherever )

Treat them how youd want to be treated yourself , and frankly you wont get respected for it.
You’ll be treated like a monkey , because they wont know the difference between you and one.
( Before I get crucified please note , I mean this in the pre relat area , not really the actual official couple area )

What I liked about her was her warmth and “genuine “ tone.
Ultimately this was brought into question IMO.
I wont say it in a blunt way , but I’ll imply something lightly barbed in passing when I see her again.
Its only fair if you ask me?

PS Hannah , I wonder if Magnum PI is still working , now the TV shows finished ?lol
Maybe I’ll give him a call?
I could always get his Ferrari off him and go digging for more gold diggers ( lap dancers !?) who want a new job off me.

BTW yes I have had a shite day!
Peace all.

 

I think at the end of the day you're going to do what you do best anyway. And if that means fooling around with someone who's taken, then that's how it'll be, regardless of what I regard as good or bad.

I know you've patiently recounted a few times that this is for friendship only, and that you'd like for it to resume something not awkward, on a level where you both can continue corresponding and flirting. But you've also said you would like it to go further than that - this is why I've completely skipped over your intentions for "friendship" a few times. I understand where you're coming from, but let's be honest here. You're not necessarily in it for the friendship and you wouldn't be even thinking this much if it were for friendship.

Since you've made it clear you have no qualms going after her "as a friend" (but with other intentions), then I say go for it all the way and step up the game. When she comes back, let her know how you feel because if it's that strong, it's really not going away. Yes, it might fuck up her relationship, but she may be doing that on her own anyway. The least it would do is relieve you dealing with those emotions alone.

What you described above is what I call "The Fisherman". You throw out a large net for bait, and then you wait for the catch to come in, in groups. If that's sincerely how you feel, then I can't help but think this girl is just a distraction and a hobby for you at the moment. Someone who's caught your fancy for now, but isn't quite IT. If you know what I mean.

I think that's a good reason why people are just not into dating or putting themselves out there to meet people. Too much of that mentality though I don't blame you.

Just meet her at your pub again when she's back. Joke around, have a few drinks, flirt, do your thing. I can't advise you beyond all that because I wouldn't want to be her and I don't agree with your whole outlook. All the best either way.

ps. Magnum PI is on my speeddial.

 

mmm you're british. no offense I like Americans, they're more just arggghhhhh and you guys are kinda more like pardon?

 

i read it all and i can tell you that she likes you. BUT she does have a commitment to her bf (as you know.)

im kinda like this girl; i like to have a boyfriend, and then i like to have backups incase the guy doesnt work out. i know that sounds cold, but its not meant to be in a harmful way, its just what happens when you dont want to end up alone... (im having trouble explaining, but anyways)

shes going to keep putting you on the backburner until her relationship with her bf ends (if ever). id start moving on, and if she calls you and you still want to be with her, then go for it. but dont put your love life on hold waiting for her. im sorry this is happeneing to you; you seem like a very nice and compassionate guy- so go find a girl who actually WANTS to give you attention back! good luck with everything.