I have been married for a little over four years, and already I've seriously starting to question my marriage. I constantly have fantasies about being with other men, I'm always checking guys out and fantisising what what it would me like to be with them. We married young, I was just 19 at the time, and less then a year later our first child was born. I have always had a very high sexual appetite, my husband has not, and this it has caused an unbeliveable amount of problems. It really scares me that I constantly have thoughts of being with other men and having affairs. For the record my husband is an amazing father, he is very involved with the two kids we have. We have been through so much together, and I really believe in my heart he loves me. Every day I try so hard to focus on the positive things we have in our relationship, and how much he helps me. But even when we do get the chance to spend time alone, I don't really enjoy it as much as I should. I really believe in my heart he is such a wonderful, person, I just don't understand why I'm so unhappy, any advice would be greatly appreciated, I just really feel at a loss and I'm not sure what to do...
like you said, you married to young..at a time when you were maybe in love with the idea of being in love. maybe not. But you guys simply do not click in some ways it seems. It does not make either of you bad people obviously, but maybe you need to talk to him about your unhappiness and unfulfilling sex life. Does he know you are not satisfied? Though sex does not seem like the only problem. If you two are on seperate wave lengths you will only drift further apart, slowly but surly. If there are any doubts, like the ones you have, take some time to evaluate. if there is any reasonable doubt you need to get out. when things are not clicking, people tend to feel bad about that and than snap out of frustration when their attempts to rectify wrongs are in vain - hopefully you don't get to that point. some differences can't be worked out. you need to be practical and decide if yours are possible to be worked out. try and detach yourself from the situation, even picture two strangers in a similar predictment and think of an outcome for them. than maybe you will be closer to what you really want, deep down inside. pay attention to dreams, as these are the gateway to your subconcious, deep down persona.
You Love him but are not in love with him and maybe never really were? Staying in ANY relationship if your not IN LOVE is just a living prison and the chains are very heavy. If your not connecting on a sexual level it is just another sign or part of the relationship. So feeling guilty about the thoughts and staying JUST for your child is just a dead end street with no light or meaning. Now you will be faced with some important decisions. Do you STAY just for your child's sake? What would you do wait till it's grown up? Then tell it that you would have left it's father years ago but you ENDURED it all for it? That sucks since the child will feel guilt that you were miserable all your time. Also, our children MIRROR us as parents and will just be in the SAME relationship it's parents had. So if you REALLY want to do the right thing tell him how you feel and end the marriage since it sounds like it never really was one anyway. I'm sorry I'm being brutally honest with you on this since what you need is reality not a bunch of advice on here that will make you more miserable and all involved. Your part of the solution or part of the problem. Move on and have a relationship with YOURSELF for awhile BEFORE you go out and get into another relationship that will only fail. What you need to do is spread your WINGS right now BEFORE you SPREAD YOUR LEGS. Your young and will heal and so will ALL involved. Staying in any relationship out of pity is just abusive. I wish you luck an know you are one of millions that are in the same situation and it's all about our growth anyway. Peace
My advice is simple. Don't give up so soon and over something such as looking at other men and having fantasies. To me that is not a major issue. As a matter of fact I think it is definitely something the two of you can work through together, and maybe with the help of a counsellor or something of that nature. This is assuming that you do care for this man on some level and that you are willing to work it out with him. You need to figure out why you are not happy in this relationship and work on changing that. You might not be able to figure that out yourselves, you might need outside help, because it usually isn't something that is on the surface. Like I said this is only if you really do care about him. I got married when I was 18 myself, problem is I didn't care about the guy at all. I didn't even think I loved him, I just wanted to "prove that I was an adult" and whatever, I was stubborn and had a low self esteem. Anyway, it was easy for me to leave that relationship and file for divorce because I didn't want to work it out. There was nothing to work out really, I never had feelings for the guy. I used him. However, being in a 5 year relationship now, there are times when Jer and I simply are not on the same page. We can just feel that we are disconnected some way. But the difference is, is that we want it to work and we really do love each other (even though there are things about each other that we are not fond of). So we try when things are tough to get through it and move on. That has made us stronger through the years. We could have given up years ago with everything that we've been through together, but the point is neither of us wanted to give up. You have to figure out what you want to do, and if you are willing to try. I suggest if you love the person that you do try. If you don't love him or care about him at all, well then that is a completely different story. One thing I would not suggest doing though, is what my dad did. He was a cold cold man. He stayed with my mom for the sake of us kids (or so he says, but that is bull if you ask me) and it made things horrible for us. There was no love. My dad didn't love her. And so we grew up with distorted ideas of love and relationships. It just isn't a good idea. And now I'm 26 and I have to pick up the pieces that my dad left my mom with after leaving her after 30 years of marriage. My mom doesn't understand the whole thing, and she is devistated. She thought that because he was there, that meant that he loved her, truth be told he didn't. Do you follow me? I don't suggest staying together for the kids. Your children are better off seeing what true love is and how adults can cope.
To me, this is nothing but an indication that you are missing something in the relationship. You haven't done anything wrong yet. Now is the time to decide whether you want to work things out or whether you want to leave. If you want to try, I highly recommend getting yourselves to a marriage counselor -- if he says it's not that bad, you don't need to go, point out that most couples wait until it's too late. If you want it to be worth the time and money, go now rather than later. Personally, I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful man, but we're having to live in different states for now (I just started grad school, he's finishing up at a different university). Last fall, it got to the point that I was having similar experiences. My fiance and I are doing really well now. We were lacking intimacy, which is really difficult to maintain long-distance (especially when we're both really busy and he is really shy and has a roommate, so stuff like phone sex is only an option when we both have time AND his roommate is not home). It was getting to the point where it felt like we were just really really good friends, not lovers. So I talked to him about it -- I told him that I was feeling really distant because we were not doing enough to maintain our intimacy. It wasn't easy, and he didn't react like "oh, ok, no problem" -- mainly because he has issues and just can't bring himself to be as open sexually as I can. But we talked through it and found a way to work on things, then both followed through in making the effort that was required. So now things are wonderful again. Any relationship worth anything requires work. An earlier response talked about how, if you're not "in love" the relationship is nothing more than a prison. But, it's not uncommon for a wonderful, loving relationship to go through a rough patch where the partners don't feel that exhilaration of being madly, passionately "in love". What matters is whether they love one another enough to put in the effort to regain that passion. So don't jump ship too soon if there is any hope. On the other hand, if you are not BOTH willing to put in the effort to work through things, and it defintiely takes both partners, then you do have to accept when it is time to throw in the towel. He can be a wonderful daddy whether he lives in the same house or a couple of blocks away. Have you talked to him (outside of the bedroom) about this? Not in any sort of accusatory tone (you must not find me sexy, your appetite is too low, etc.) that could put him on the defensive. You both need to sit down and discuss how the two of you can find a solution to this problem. Perhaps he can cuddle with you while you masturbate sometimes? Perhaps working on the intimacy issues you seem to have will help to increase his interest? Perhaps you can do something to ease the pressure... My fiance and I have had problems over this issue as well, because I have a lower appetite than he does (partially due to the pill). But, when it became a problem, that made me want sex less because there was so much pressure on me to want it (not just do it to please him). So, when I flat out told him that we need to get rid of the pressure, that sex is not even an option for a week, less than 36 hours later I was initiating sex with him. Being able to make out just for the sake of making out, without worrying that he was going to expect sex if I kissed him, allowed me to enjoy just making out with him so much that I wound up getting in the mood. Maybe he feels a similar amount of pressure? Then, of course, there's also pressure to perform, which is a totally different issue! You both need to talk through this, really communicate with one another, not just talk at, complain about, etc. one another.
Hi, Chances are you are still having the same problems as before and you're probably really beginning to be unhappy. Let me quickly ask you if these things sound like you.... God I wish he would fuck me like he used to, with passion and desire and urgent need. Throw me down on the kitchen table. Do you think you fantasize about other men because your husband is just not cutting it on the desire and passion scale. Does it seem more of a chore than a joy. Do you lobve and respect him but you long fior more spice to feel sexual to feell like a woman? If this is you which I think it is I will tell you what the problem is... and quite frankly it has nothing to do with you wantingg another it has to do with passion. First thing you must realize is that men and woman are different . Sexually different in many ways but in this thread the important way is how we express our selves sexually. Men are physical lovers... period. Woman are physical and emotional lovers. In the beggining of each new relationship ... when you are falling in love... that is a very emotional time for you both. Men are able to express that emotion in sex because it is emotional to fall in love. They have no problem showing you how much they need you and desire you. It comes quite natural. Then as you both settle into your relationship finally happy you have everything you want men no longer have the need to express emotions like before. She knows I love her lets fuck. And they simply become the physical lover they were made to be. Then all of a sudden the men aren't getting there dick sucked anymore everynioght and the sex isn't coming as often... the woman notice things too. They simply know thaat they are not as horny anymore. Why is that? Because the whole woman is not being loved in the bedroom anymore. You must continue to feed the emotional side (not everytime) of a woman or you are literally only loving half of you. If you don't recognize it and very few do real trauma beginss to develop in the marriage and continues to drive a wedge of lies and deciet and hurts between you. You must always protect that area in a relationship. Sex is the only thing that seperates your relationship from all the others you have. It is serious!! You must sit down and talk honestly . Tell him you are havoing thoughts of other men. WAKE HIM UP to the reality so he can fight for his marriage and for you. That alone should put a spark back into things. Next tell him what you've learned and He must figure out what passion is. You must be loved in whole/ At least twice a month. Erotic urgent need and urgent desire for you not your sex but for you. Find out how you can show her passion .... mmmmm./ desire. and see if miracles don't begin to show for you!!!
my first bit of advice is to ignore the marital advice given by lonely single people. Second thing you need to do is communicate with your husband your feelings. Be open and honest with him, and give him the chance to talk to you openly and honestly about his feelings. Don't accuse him of making you feel any certain way, own up to your feelings. If you need help communicating, find a counsellor. And then, add the spice to your sexual relationship yourself. Don't wait for him to do it. Order some new toys, some for you, some for him, or whatever might be new and fun for both of you. Don't pressure him into sex if he doesn't want it, he'll only resent you for it. Do talk to him. Most couples have a totally different sort of sexual relationship after children. It doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, it's just entering into a new stage, going to the next level. But... if there are things you are not telling us, if one or both of you is not willing to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship, there is nothing in the world anyone can do or say to fix the problems you are having. If he is emotionally distant towards you, that is the same as being emotionally abusive. If he is withholding emotional support, if he is using sex as a weapon against you, you need to get out now before it gets even harder to leave or before the abuse takes on more sinister forms.
I don't know, i'm with a girl i absolutely love and adore, I really think the world of her. But I still find other females attractive, she's so open about it that we talk about who is attractive. If i see a girl I find attractive I can freely say "whoa, she's pretty" or "oooh nice lady" and she'll agree or disagree and do the same (well, plus she's bi sexual). I'd never take it further than that, but it's not like you buy one pair of shoes, then you aren't allowed in the store again.
Also sometimes I fantasise about having sex with another girl, what's so wrong with that? it's only thoughts and fantasys, it's not like youre doing it. It's just like having a dream, it doesnt mean anything, you didnt do it. Personally I wouldn't worry so much. Stop trying to "focus" on the good things of the relationship, and start "enjoying" the good things of the relationship.
It is because no one can make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. Do you really believe sex with someone else will make you happy? It would be exciting for awhile but in the end you still wouldn't be any happier. Don't look for someone else to fulfill your happiness, you are setting yourself up to be let down. You will just end up in the same place you are now with a different person. It is a hard thing to change your own mind-set instead of looking at what you don't have.
each persons opinions are as valid as the next..single or not. not that I am single now. But everyone has experience with the topic of marriage, be it first hand experience or second hand experience (seeing parents, ect) and can give advice if they damn well feel like it, sometimes even better than married folk.
Carlfloydfan.. I couldn't agree with you more!! Well said. The bottom lines here are that she is not being emotionally or sexually fullfilled. The marriage has lost its spark. Trust me a man or a woman for that matter, that thinks their partner is seriously thinking about the pleasures of another, will quickly come to their senses. Its human nature for us to take each other for granted if we know they will always be there. Its time for real honest truth to smack them back into being actually emotionally invested in the marriage. On the same token, I would also like to point out that should you actually cross that line without even telling him the truth, you will have a real hard time forgiving yourself for that betrayal. Hope you have not fallen already. But it happens and you can get past it though. You are as much responsible for your happiness as he is. More so. Truth about your thoughts and communication is always the answer when two people have issues of any kind. Always. Finally, I can assure you that should you choose not to work this out the right way, and things fall apart, you will have a very very difficult life ahead of yourself struggling to make ends meet and the whole nine yards. You owe it to him and yourself and your children to at the very minimum be honest about your needs. It is not a shameful thing to desire passion. God has created you sexual. You are a sexual creature and it is your husbands responsibility to see that your needs are fully met. Please talk to your man. It will make you both feel better.
