excerpt from my journal...my story.UNFORGIVEN.

august 10, 2004 1120

the day it got so bad, the day i went so far into myself---the day i couldnt take it anymore,
i tried to kill myself. i wanted to. i still wish i had, sometimes. lately, all the time. that one time, i was 17. it was june and my father had just forced me into the bathroom so he
could stare at me while he fucked off. that wasnt the first time, but it was the last. that night i tried to kill myself. it didnt work, not even close. a few days later someone saw my wrist and they took me to the hospital. they had to call my parents. i begged them not to but they did. they didnt tell them, though. they just said i was having suicidal "thoughts". my parents arent the type that understand that sort of thing. and anyway, i blame them. my father molested me for 12 years at least and my mother did NOTHING. i hate them both. some day i'll kill them.

it started as far back as i can remember. i was 5, in kindergarten. he was kissing me. on the
mouth. with tounge. i never knew it was wrong. at first. i would never talk in school. my teacher would call me up to her desk and ask me if there was anything wrong at home. stuff like that. i dont remember exactly what she asked this one day, but i told her about my dad. i guess she called CPS, cos he moved out for a while. i'll never forget the way my mother looked at me after that. she hates me. she sat me down and convinced me i was
lieing. i was five years old and she was my mother. i didnt know. i made something up. i said that i saw him doing to her what he had done to me and got confused and told the teacher wrong. he came back, but he didnt stop. he told me that if i ever told anyone again he'd kill me, then he held a pillow over my face just to prove his point.

august 11, 2004 0155

he used to make me hold his dick and sit on him and id try to get away but he wouldnt let me. until my mother would come home, then he'd push me away real fast. he made me come in the bathroom with him while he jacked off. id stand there with my eyes closed and shake,. asking "can i go yet can i go yet", til he finally let me go. i hate him. between the ages of 7 and 12 he finger fucked me on an almost daily basis, and i screamed. noone ever helped me. i hurt so much and i would scream and cry til he finished. i could hear my brothers outside the door, they wondered what he was doing to me, but they never helped. he finally stopped that when i managed to convince him how much it really did hurt. he
always said that it only hurt cos i was fighting it, actually, we made a deal and he stopped. my chest was begginning to develop, and if i let him see he would stop. he promised. he only broke his promise once. after that there were always deals to let him see,
he'd let me use the internet, go out, sleep over my friends house. and i always had to agree, if i didnt he'd just force me, anyway, at least this way i was getting something out of it.

but i think that out of all that, the touching was probably the worst. the constant touching.
with the other stuff there was hope, my mom was home, my brothers were around, somethin like that, but with the touching, it was so quick and easy he could do it anywhere and nobody noticed, or nobody said anything. i am convinced that my mother
knew. how could she not know?i lived in complete absolute fear of the second she left the house, i always begged to go with her, but she hated me and always said no. she ignors the things she doesnt want to acknowledge. she used to call me "it" and " that thing"..... i would hear my parents fighting sometimes, she thought i had something on him. she thought he was cheating on her. again. i found out later that he did cheat on her. a few times, and with actual grownups. she almost caught us a few times. i wish she had, but at the same time im glad she didnt. i dont know why, im ashamed. and embarrassed. i lied to cover for him. i never told anyone, since that first time, when i was five. i didnt know it was wrong,. then i did, but i was scared, he said he'd kill me. i still believe he would,
but i dont care anymore. i stopped caring a while ago, but my brothers still have to be protected. they need a father, and he's good to them. in every way except for that pedophile thing he was great, and he's straight, so my brothers arent at risk. and my mother couldnt handle it. shes said before that if he ever left her she'd kill herself. she's so sick.

i started cutting myself when i was 16. i dont remember the exact reason, but i blame my parents. i still cut to this day, though. it's a stress thing, an emptiness thing, proof of living, or an old habit, when things get bad, let us see blood. rivers and streams and puddles, darkest red dripping to the floor, in my hand or in the sink, soaking through, staining my
clothes, the razor blade and eventually my skin. i blame my parents and i swear to god i'll kill them. aug 11 04 (0240)

 

ummm hon, did this really happen to you?

 

yeah, did you already read it? i just posted it like, 2 seconds ago.....

 

i scanned the first few sentences and im reading it now, check your pm's

 

THAT was uncalled for.

 

It doesn't have to mean suicide a gun can be used on other people too.

 

that was really not cool

 

That's just fucked up man. You know it isn't your fault. Don't let them bring you down.

 

I was thinking that too.

 

its still promoting something completly uncalled for

 

pull back juggalo, pull back



If you kill them, they win, you will give the rest of your life in addition to what they have already taken


Revenge, however, is open to interpretation. plan, wait, plan some more, and then hit 'em hard.

Think it out, don't be stupid

And when they are feeling the effects of your hard work and their lives are falling apart....

Smile at them and wink

and then move on to the life you deserve

 

I see how the suicide one is, but the second is actualy being mericful

 

i wish i had a gun "miles and miles of yellow tape.....they wont have enough when im done.." bang bang your dead.

 

THis happened to a friend of mine once but not nearly as long, only twice I think, but I made things even and her dad has never been so nice

 

and that is as it should be, juggalo



killing is swift, and merciful, and can get you a life bid

ruin their lives and make them live it,......that's true revenge


and its all topped off by you living a good life

 

any suggestions for getting even without death?

 

Well I had a few boxes of cold medicine before but i remember doing something to my friends dad that involved a big didlo and a camera, but it's a little fuzzy

 

how far are you willing to go?


pm me. let's talk

 

I want to establish a hipforums mafia.