Hi guys, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 months now, and we've been having problems sexually. I'm hoping someone might have a similar experience, and can shed some light on the subject. The problem is, when we make out, he cannot achieve an erection. No amount of "regular" stimulation (touching, kissing, dry humping, strip teasing, etc) can cause him to get an erection. I thought perhaps he had erectile dysfunction. He tried very hard to have sex, using masterbation to get a semi erection, but he gets soft again when he's inside me. He had a history of using drugs, including weed, coke, cigarettes, alcohol, LSD. He no longer does these drugs, but did do them for a long period of time. Maybe these have effected him? Or maybe they were a means of coping with a deeper problem? He now smokes once every few weeks and drinks maybe once a week. The interesting thing is, he CAN get turned on (full erection) if he is receiving anything related to a deep throating blow job. For instance, if his fingers are sucked, if he's watching deep throating porn, if you even mention deep throating blow jobs--he immediately gets an erection. He will not let me touch him--says he's ticklish. He has a history with ADD, and says this makes him very sensitive to touch. If I rub his legs, his body, get near his genetalia, he pushes me away and starts laughing. Then, when I stop touching him, he gets upset and says that I don't want to touch him, and that it makes him feel bad and like I don't love him. While we were dating, I found out that he had slept with a prostitute and was having phone sex with married women, and that he went behind my back and tried to get a blowjob from a stripper and some random woman in town. I also found out he cheated on me with anonymous men (he offered them blowjobs). I also found out that he has never been able to have sex with a girlfriend--he can't keep an erection, and most girls have left him for this. I have been the first one that has stuck around long enough to at least be able to "sometimes" have sex with him...which is usually not all that satisfying, since he has to concentrate so hard on keeping his erection. He said to have sex with me, he has to refrain from all masterbation (he says he masterbates up to 15 times a day), and while we're having sex, he has to concentrate on other women or pornography to keep an erection. Now, I know I'm an attractive woman--this isn't the issue. I model, and I've never had problems in the sex department with any guy I've ever been with; most have told me that I could turn a gay man straight. In fact, sex is usually the high point in a lot of my relationships, since I love to please and be pleased. So, my question is, what on earth could be the issue? Erectile dysfunction? Is he gay? Is he too absorbed in a fantasy world to have any real intimacy? Did his history with drugs have a lasting impact on his ability to function sexually? Has masterbating too often conditioned him to not be able to have a healthy sex life? Any ideas are welcome, and I'd love to hear any steps I can take to remedy this problem. I care about him a lot, and we're very close, but I'd really enjoy a sex life with him as well.
Maybe he doesn't like the way you kiss, touch, or strip. If he has to try so hard, something isn't right. My boyfriend has a history with drugs and he still drinks and smokes weed and cigs....no sexual problems whatsoever. I don't know of a man that DOESN'T get turned on by the idea of a blow job. Maybe you should try it....you have to give to get. How old are you?!?! He giggles if you touch him? If he's pushing you away, maybe you're doing something wrong. If he cops an attitude, maybe he's just too immature to be having sexual relations right now. If he's been with a prostitute, I really hope you watch for STDs. Maybe you should find a different boyfriend. He's cheated on you. And, not just once....a couple times. Is he really worth it? Maybe he isn't interested in the female sex and just is afraid of coming out, or he's in denial. My boyfriend jerks it daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times....and he can still have sex, good sex. Maybe he isn't attracted to you if he has to think of other women or porn to keep him going. Models aren't always that great looking. I don't want to discourage you, I don't know what you look like....but maybe he just doesn't find you that attractive. A man will say anything to get in your pants, though, honey. And, since sex is a high point like you say....they sure aren't going to offend you and risk losing someone that's willing to have all kinds of sex. Take him to the doctor if you're so worried he may have ED. I guess that's the only way you'll know. I don't know about drugs affecting other men, but as for the ones I've been with....it hasn't. Masterbating is healthy and can help him maintain himself and not come so early. TALK TO HIM. That's the obvious solution to your problem. That, and investing in a rabbit.
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not that he doesn't merely like the way that I touch,kiss, strip for him. He said that he's had the same problem with all girlfriend he's had before. We do have very open communication, but when it comes to the topic of sex, he gets upset and defensive, hence my desire to understand where we can go next. Ok, then drugs may not be the issue. Not sure if your boyfriend has done as hard core drugs as mine--but, I wasn't so certain this was the issue anyhow, seeing he "can" sometimes get an erection. Every man I've been with has enjoyed blowjobs, and I enjoy giving them as well. I give my boyfriend blowjobs all the time--what I'm concerned about, is the lack of intimate sex for both of us. That is something that I enjoy as well. Additionally, my boyfriend does not enjoy "regular" blowjobs--the kind that every other man I've ever been with has asked for. He is only turned on by deep throating blow jobs, the type which can be seen as very degrading and even painful or potentially harmful to the woman. To me, this isn't about mutual pleasure at all, it's downright painful. We're both in our late twenties, so yes, the giggling is a bit disconcerting. I was not certain if this was really ticklishness, or his way of trying to get out of having sex--I don't like to make assumptions though. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong in regards to touching him--I've never had any complaints in any other committed relationship I've been in. I have read, that sensitivity to touch is indeed a symptom of extreme ADD, so he may truly just be sensitive. It does make foreplay awfully difficult though! Yes, I have been tested for STDs and was clean, and since then, we've had discusisons about what will and will not tolerated in the relationship, regardless of his sexual addiction. I will keep myself safe from STDs, and if I find evidence of his cheating again, with the new boundaries in place, he loses his girlfriend. We did part for quite some time once I found out about his cheating, but he has been in therapy for sexual addiction since that time. I've thought a lot about staying out of the relationship. I did walk away for some time. I casually dated a bit, but I have a very strong friendship/bond with my boyfriend. I wanted to put in the effort to see if we could make it work--he's made it apparent he does not want to lose me, and I've seen him put in enormous effort. I believe that he's trying to make things work--both he and his parents have told me that these "issues" he's had have been present since childhood, and are something he is working through. Well, I'm most often told that I look like Angelina Jolie. My boyfriend thinks this as well. He loves how I look, but then goes and masterbates to Angelina Jolie porn. He tries to find women that look like me to get his jollies off on. I know he's attracted to me, as he is the one that persued me, and his friends told me how he continually spoke about how attractive he found me. I will even masterbate with him, and can still have good sex--I'm very open with him. I wonder at times though, if he *might* be gay, considering the anonymous sexual encounters he had with men, and the fact that he watches deep throating porn (with unattractive women in it...I think everyone has their own beauty, but, when I say unattractive, I'm referring to the fact that they are not made up, and you can barely see their face. The focus of the film is not on the woman, but instead, the penis). I think he may be watching the porn for the penis, as he had a thing for giving other men deep throating blow jobs. I've heard this is part of sexual addiction though--and that a man who has sexual relations with another man may not actually be gay, just a sexual addict. The men I was having sex with weren' the kind that were merely trying to get into my pants. All of them, I had loving, long term relationships with, most for years. I still am friends with them to this day, and they treat me with both respect and kindness. I've already got a rabbit, and it helps some...but again, I'd also like to be intimate with my partner. Not just satisfy myself. We talk on a daily basis, but again, this is a very sensitive subject for him for most of his life. He's been rejected many times due to this "issue"--I'm not the only one that has experienced it. In fact, I'm the first who has been able to have sex with him at all and that he has achieved orgasm with. We are making progress...but it is still very apparent to me that something is wrong. I'd like to have information to present to him on the topic...because just randomly talking about it without a course of action makes him feel inferior...like there is something wrong with him...which makes having sex even more strange and difficult for him. Thanks for the advice.
He needs to back off from the porn and other non natural forms of sex. He is jaded. He needs to only masterbate with you present so he conditions himself to sex and erections= you.
Thanks for the idea, Sultan, hahaha, and your signature animation is SO FUNNY! That's what he's wondered as well, and I'm glad to see the idea might have some merit. He said that he's used masterbation for years as a form of "anxiety management"--he's been watching porn since he was 10, masterbating up to 15 times a day. He said he's just conditioned himself in a way to see women as an object, and can only get off watching another woman on the screen or playing these thoughts through his head, and masterbating. He started trying to "play the tapes in his head" while having sex. This at least has allowed us to HAVE intercourse, even though ultimately, I'd like to know that my boyfriend is turned on by merely having sex with me. I know that this has nothing to do with me, and more to do with his own issues that he's working out--and I'm glad that he is open with this and that we're both mature enough to try to work through it and be honest with one another. I'm glad to get your opinion on the matter and see we might be on the right track with this exercise...I'll continue encouraging him to utilize this technique. Thanks again!
Ah, another issue may be (which I just realized after reading some more related posts on this forum), that my boyfriend has suffered from depression most of his life. I believe he may be bi-polar, acting out with prostitutes/men when he's going through manic phases. It also may be helpful to know, that my boyfriend, although he was first able to use typical porn to get off for much of his younger life, he's had to use increasingly "devient" porn (with deep throating being the most innocent by far) to maintain the same interest level. This I guess goes along with the "conditioning" theory. It's just frustrating knowing my boyfriend is a very sexual person, and knowing that I can't really help him in that area. The one thing I want, is a very intimate relationship with the person who I love, and know loves me. It's frustrating seeing we both want to please one another, but it's just not happening. It's hard for me knowing that if I talk about this issue, it makes him feel "broken" and nervous when having sex. If I don't mention it, I feel we're just pretending that the issue doesn't exist. I've told him that I am willing to work with him...and he's been very willing to work with me...and I have seen progress. But, again, I was just wanting other experiences to see if there were any other ideas on what we could try to make things progress successfully and avoid any needless time wasters that won't work.
