NEED YOUR ADVICE - feel 2 timed!

I'm looking for an outsiders view to try an make sense of my thoughts and maybe come back to the middle ground.

I've been with a girl for 16 months. Apart from being apart alot (seperate universities) we're holding it together fairly well.

My concern is that some time ago after we had been seeing each other for 5 months see went home and the following weekend had a date with an ex....She said we hadn't really made plans and as it turned out she says it felt wrong when she kissed him, which made her realise what she had with me and decided that she was making a mistake.

We got through it and its 10 months on but at the back of my mind (as compounded by the distance) I'm paranoid she'll cheat on me...I don't want to feel like that.

.................................

*Am I being over baring?
*Should I give her the benefit of the doubt as at least she's settled in her mind what she wants?
*Was is a mistake not to put my foot down at the time?


Eeek?

 

Not too much.

Yes, she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

I really doubt it. Remember, everyone is human.

Depends how you see it.

 

I've been through two different relationships like this.


In one, the fellow overreacted to EVERYTHING I did while I was home over Christmas holiday -- we were still going out, but because I was in proximity to my exes he assumed I would automatically fuck all of them. Um ... not true, I didn't even happen to talk to any of them, and I just ended up getting exasperated with his incessant, paranoid text messaging, and dumped him a few weeks later.

In another, I DID "cheat" -- it was an open relationship, but apparently only open on HIS end, and I happened to fall madly into actual love with someone else. When the fellow I was dating found out, he practically ran this other boy out of town, and made my life a living hell. Now he uses it as an excuse to be paranoid and borderline abusive -- he feels he can use spies to monitor me from 800 miles away, because I "betrayed" him once. I was completely faithful to him for about a month ... and then I realized he would mistrust and punish me no matter what I did. So now I am "cheating" on him, and cannot wait to give him a piece of my mind before I dump him!

Hence, I think you should chill out ... let your girlfriend run the show for a little while. Don't make it a big deal of her "cheating". If she doesn't show any further inclinations to stray, let it go and take her back. But if you make it a bg deal, she'll probably just get exasperated and try to find someone else (like I did).

Best of luck ... and peace!

 

I think you need to talk honestly with her about your feelings. On one hand, it's a good sign that she told you what happened. On the other hand, the fact that she did kiss another guy while dating you exclusively is a betrayal of trust. And, being in a long distance relationship makes the trust issue 50x more important than when you see one another every day.

If you want this to work, you two need to work together to rebuild that trust. She didn't go any further than a kiss with this ex. From the way you phrased it, I'm assuming she told you about it rather than got caught. So it could have been far worse. But, at the same time, she should understand that a minor indiscretion like that can cause you to wonder what other minor things she's done.

I don't have any good suggestions for HOW to rebuild the trust that was somewhat broken... But the first step is to have an open, honest discussion about both of your feelings... And, whatever you do, focus on "I'm feeling", not "you did this to me" -- accusing her will put her on the defensive, but focusing on your feelings will be more likely to get her to open up and discuss her feelings as well.

 

Thanks...thats all sound advice.
Dawn sky..ur right the distance makes things 50x harder, it doesn't help when she makes jokes about 'her other boyfriend' as she knows I'm a bit sensitive to it. To be honest I do need to chill out - this relationship thing has got to be 'worked' at sometimes!

Suncatch22, I get where you're coming from..I'd hope I'm not the posessive type you described. But whatyou say is valid as you can cling too much and suffocate the person.

Cheers Hikaru Zero: A temperate voice.

 

If she actually TOLD you she kissed her ex...chances are she is sorry.

If she hasn't done anything else in almost a year...chances are you're pretty safe...This happened after 5 months right? The relationship might have been kind of new and maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted. Afterwards she probably felt really bad...which is why she told you.

It's been almost a year since she did that...chances are she's still with you for a reason.

 

If she said she wants you now after being with him...then honor that too.
If she does it again-burn rubber going over to YOUR own best buddies home and do the same as her.
If she has any problem with you doing the same then she's bullshit.
If she doesn't then your both in a open relationship and see it for what it is and isn't.

 

That was very kool advice Jester!
How ya been?

 

if you find that you cannot look into her eyes without feeling hurt and taken advantage of on any level, then maybe its in your best interest to stop looking into them.

you desereve a relatioship you can feel good and comfertable with. if this ones working for you, then great. if not, find one that will.

best of luck to you, and im truly sorry that this has happened to you.

 

LOL Yeah haven't we all?
Hell yeah same here this summer has been a bitch of a ride.
Be Kool and REMEMBER to keep your arms and legs inside of the ride.

 

Yeah, just stay chill. If it feels wrong, get out. If it feels all right, stay for the ride. And good luck! Keep us posted.

 

I'm touched by all the positive advice. Thanks insanejester theres good sense in what u've said...It probably just that I needed to hear it from an outside view.
Nobody likes to feel they've been taken advantage of - but - on balance, its a minor indiscretion which from what you've all said is better left buried...