Self Image Issues.

I'm having a major problem, in which I haven't had in a couple years. I just can't be satisfied with the way I look anymore.

I used to be so low maintenance, a few months back, because I was pleased with the way I looked and who I was as a person. Now, it's getting to the point where I'm becoming more dependent on makeup and looking nice, and while that may not be a problem for some, it is for me because when I do that, that means I'm having "self esteem issues"

I put this in the womens issues forums, because I have been feeling intimidated by other women lately. I'm not sure if it's coming from within, or if I'm just having simply self-image issues... but I'll see a girl and think she looks a hundred times better than I do, and that I'm not all that pretty after all.

I've always been complimented on my looks a lot, which usually makes me feel uncomfortable... However, now it's to the point where those compliments make me feel like I have something to live up to. If I have a bad hair day or something, I feel like the people that thought I looked nice a couple days ago are going to think "Boy was I wrong"

I don't even know why this matters so much to me, because it didn't before. It's really bothering me, because I don't WANT TO WORRY ABOUT THIS.

One thing that is making me really nervous is that I feel as if I've gained weight, even though I haven't, and my family and friends tell me I'm thin, but I don't see it... I feel big :&

This all probably sounds really shallow, but it's not supposed to...because in reality my biggest fear is just that. I don't want to be obsessed with how I look or how people think I look, and I don't know where this came from.

But I'm sure everyone wants to feel appealing... and I don't anymore. I feel like I'm just not "up to par" anymore.

Ugh. I don't even know what I want people to say to this, whether I want advice or similar experiences, I guess I just needed to vent.

 

No, you don't sound shallow at all.
I think we all go through periods like this - because I certainly do. Maybe we are the only two people...

In all seriousness - I blame the media for the images that they portray. The implications are that women need to wear makeup, dress sexy, be thin, etc in order to be beautiful. My current falling down point? My weight. I can't fit into any of the clothing I want to wear because my chest and hips are too big. Deep down I know that no amount of dieting will slim these parts up - they are me. But I want to have that thin hipped body with small chest and able to wear all the latest fashions.

I'm mad as hell about this, because 50 years ago - my body type was the standard of beauty. Heck, Marilyn Monroe was bigger than me.

So I am constantly comparing myself to other girls, and most times I never measure up. Is that fair to me? No. But do I continue to do it? Yes. I blame my mother for my poor self-image. She is constantly pointing out that I am heavier than her, and "omg deb! look how hot I am in a bikini". *grumbles* I eat healthy, I walk everyday...

We both need to get to a place where we accept ourselves the way we are. You are extremely beautiful by evidence of your sig picture. You don't need make up to be beautiful. When I got too dependent on makeup, I stopped wearing it all together. I put myself in "time out" to cool down the urges to put it on.

Guess what happened? Now anytime I put make up on, I feel ugly. So I have to put minimal amounts on in order to feel like I'm not a clown.

Try that for a week and see how you feel.

 

Thanks for your reply and reassurance. Though, I do think a lot of this has to do with my roommate. I moved in with my best friend about three weeks ago, and she's extremely high maintenance. She is very naturally beautiful, but wears piles of makeup, and though I know she looks even more gorgeous without all that fake stuff, the urge to make myself look like something I'm not has rubbed off on me.

She works out at the gym every single day, has a nice tan, and her hair is always so pretty and styled... And I guess being around that makes me feel kind of like a slob!

Especially because we have been friends since we were 6 years old, people have always compared us... and when they compare us now, I feel like they will look at me and think of me as her sloppy friend lmao.

People's comments on my appearance get to me a lot... I can deal with just about any insult and blow it off unless it's about how I look. It drives me nuts.

Like the other day my fiancee and I were at the pool with his friends and his friend Justin looked at me and said "Omg you're pasty white!" and at the time I laughed it off and said, "Yeah well I'm irish" but now I'm feeling like I look less attractive because of my pale skin.

It sounds silly, but I do think a lot of women do that... where someone may comment and they start taking it out of context and feeling badly about themselves.

Kind of like how I have been doing exercises that work my butt muslces, and now I actually have a butt [I didn't before, I am pretty flat all around] and my boyfriend said "You're getting a butt, hot!" and even though he was excited about it, I started thinking to myself "I have a butt? I must be getting fat!"

I know that it's utterly ridiculous but I am not sure how to put an end to those thoughts.

Another huge problem is that my roommate comes home with like 20 magazine subscriptions and looks at them with me... I noticed that as soon as I threw away my Cosmos and Vogues, I felt better about how I looked... but now that they are always around me, I find myself thinking I need to look nicer or something.

The whole thing is really driving me crazy.

I will try going without makeup for a week and see how that helps. One of the reasons I've been an avid user of makeup lately is because since I recently got pregnant, had an abortion, and started birth control, my hormones are making me break out in zits. Anytime I go through an awkward hormone stage [i.e. before my period] I break out... and then I start using makeup to cover them up.

Blah.

 

Side note: I have been struggling with an eating disorder, and I've been doing much better, eating more healthy, and exercising right instead of starving myself like a douchebag... but even though I am proud of how far I've come I feel terrible for some reason. Recovering has been an issue for me, and I think that too is a big part of it right now.

I have an issue with being "average"... and I've always done everything I could to stay different, unique, and extraordinary... but sometimes that goal gets the best of me. I set unrealistic expectations for myself. I think I have a perfectionism type complex. It's annoying. I'm like that with everything.
I'm always criticizing myself in different ways... If I am proud of a piece of art I completed, later I will say "Ugh, I could have done this and this better" and I will become frustrated with myself.

 

I was watching Six Feet Under, & one of the younger characters (Claire) said something that made me do a subconcious high five to her..

Everybody here is so worried about what everyone will think of them that they haven't got time to think about anything else.

Yes, everybody does go through that on one level or another. Nope, I don't think we're alone.
*bighugs*

sidenote: Christie Brinkley's man just cheated on her with a nineteen year old clerk from a toystore...I mean, she's Christie Brinkley.

I'm dropping out of the race you can't win, screw it.

 

I can relate a lot to what you have written because I feel this way sometimes but I really don't want to and I don't want to become obsessive about looks or make up or looking perfect. I try to keep away from beauty and fashion magazines and don't buy them, but my best friend always has loads at her house and when I'm there I tend to look at them with her and it makes me feel worse about myself.

The thing is people tell me I'm pretty and my boyfriend always says sweet things to me. But sometimes when I see someone really gorgeous, I feel like I should work harder at looking good. But then another part of me thinks 'fuck it' I'll do whatever I want. And like you said I often feel like I look messy when I'm around girls groomed to perfection.
At the moment I'm really trying to let go of these feelings and just accept this is what I look like and yeah I look good! haha! If someone thinks I look like a scruff then thats there problem, not mine.

I guess I don't really have much advice, but I thought I'd say I know how you feel and I think everyone experiences these feelings now and again.
Also good luck with your recovery from your eating disorder.

 

Don't compare yourself to your roommate.

You are beautiful yourself. You will never be your roommate. You need to be true to yourself. If you like being in sweats, messy hair, who cares?

Besides, you have a finace - who do you really need to impress anymore? Heh heh. That's my mindset anyways.

 

Yeah you know, I noticed, a lot of girls feel the same way I do, but they just blow it off and don't do anything about it. But I can't do that, because I know even if it's common, it's not healthy. Not healthy for your mind/spirit anyway.

I know that I could never spend the amount of time that my friend spends on her looks, but a part of me feels like I'm a slob for not having the patience to do that.

I don't know.

I actually received MORE compliments of how great I looked and what not before I started going through this phase again, and I think it's because it shows, on the outside, how insecure I am.

I wasn't like this until I was like, a pre-teen, that's when I started getting these phases every now and again... And that's probably normal, but it sucks because I know that these feelings erupted from the pressures in school, and the cliques. I don't care to fit in anymore, but I still feel pressured to exceed...somehow. It's odd.

I am just thankful that it isn't a CONSISTENT feeling with me, like it is with some girls. I do think my roomie consistently feels this way, so I shouldn't feel like a slob or be jealous because I know she's going through exactly what I am, and then some.

I don't want to look like anyone but me, really... so it's a weird thing... I don't know how to explain it. But I feel like I could improve/enhance the way I look or something and it's bothering me.

I usually don't even care about how other people look, but it's more if...I see a girl who looks more "put together" than I do, I feel like a hobo or something lmao.

Does that even make any sense?

 

Yeah, like I said though.. I don't want to look like her, or be her... I like who I am, and I do appreciate my natural beauty for the most part, but I wish I could be as "put together" as she is. She always looks so coordinated and clean... And, well, I don't have the patience to do that lol.

I'm not vain, because I'm actually really lazy when it comes to putting myself together, my morning routine only takes about 15 minutes if that, and most of that time is spend brushing my teeth, throwing on clothes and deodorant, and making coffee.

I know my fiancee finds me attractive, he's always saying things about how cute/hot/sexy/beautiful I look, but *shrugs* I guess I'm insecure like that. I mean, even if I stink from sweating in the heat and exercise, he will say something like "Aww your smells are cute" and it's not even sarcastic...lol, so he keeps me in line for the most part, but sometimes I just shrug him off like "Yeah whatever, I'm sure you could find someone cuter"
Haha I'm such a stereotypical woman that way :&

The truth is, I rather feel more intimidated by other women, than I do men. I don't feel like my fiancee IS going to leave me for anyone else... I know he would love me even if I was 400 pounds, full of zits, and smelled like a garbage can, lol... but I always feel the need to impress other women, because we all know that they are far more critical over their own sex's looks than men are of us. Or, that's what I've noticed anyway.

 

I struggle with it somedays. I am not really compared to my friends so much as my sisters... technically my half sisters.

My sisters are tall and skinny and young and beautiful. They always look amazing, even in sweatpants and a grubby tshirt. They have perfect skin and slim builds... I have freckles and giant breasts (my breasts recently got out of control and devistated half of Toronto.. sorry if you or your loved ones got hurt).

I look simular to them in some aspects, meaning you can tell one of them is my sister. But, the other, well.. we don't look a thing alike. I sometimes feel like I got the shallow end of the gene pool.

I am not unattractive, by any means... but while they have more of a classic beauty, I am more of an off-beat pretty. Most days I am fine with that, but some days I feel like a pig in a dress standing next to them... especially with being 8 months pregnant! hahaha!

What is the solution? Shallow and selfish as it may be, I take great solace in the things I have that they don't. For example, they might have long eyelashes, but I have a higher IQ.

 

You and I are a lot alike.
I know exactly what your going through, I know why it's hard to explain too. It's just a feeling of, "I want to look put together and organized," mainly because people generally take you more seriously. I suppose strike a balance and know that you are being true to yourself but you are also doing what you can to be taken seriously.

I know I annoyed my roommates because I am so neat at school. I might not appear put together, but I keep my area of the room clean just because I hate people judging me as a slob. But at home, it's a different story.

Listen to the only two people who matter, yourself and your fiance. Try and be neater, but don't go overboard. Personally - 15 minutes is plenty of time to get ready in the morning...

She might be covering up an insecurity that you don't have...

Then again, before you know it you'll come to your senses and won't think twice about this for the next couple of months when you wake up tomorrow.

 

hey...i am `the sloppy friend`...and no one minds but me. i`ve not put makeup on in months; the last time i wore it was for a job interview. i definitely go through periods of insecurity as well, particularly when i begin to buy into the idea that being able to look a certain way on the outside will bring me the sort of life i want (or THINK i want). throwing out the magazines helped quite a lot, though lately i`ve been contemplating buying a couple of `em to fix my out of touch with life as most people know it-ness. i know this is a bad idea though. anyone up for starting a boycott of beauty magazines?

 

beauty is such a strange thing, if you think about it. 30 years ago, 'beauty' was big hair and maddonna. today, its sleek hair and an 8 year olds tiny body. if only we could find 'the guy' (ironic enough, because no woman would decide she'd have to weight 80 pounds to be desirable) who decided what is 'beauty.'

and i can give the whole pep talk about how beauty is truly on the inside. WE ALL COULD. but the fact is, there is also beauty very much on the outside that we are being judged on, whether we like it or not. for heavens sake, even i mkae judegemnts about people who arent the most put together people.

i dont really know if i have a point im trying to make. i guess that the only way youll be alright with yourself is when your are at a true peace with yourself.

 

funny enough, I have heard WAY more men say they want something to hold on to and cuddle with, not a rack of bones, yet we keep telling ourselves that we're still not good enough and diet more.

as for the OP, as I read that, it felt like I was reading something I'd have written myself. I totally understand what you mean, 100%.
Before I went on vacation, I had actually managed to improve my state of mind to believe that I was beautiful the way that I was.
I even went out and bought a bikini (a pretty gutsy move at 170 pounds and just having a 9 lbs 3 oz baby 9 months ago), and I believed that I looked pretty good.....VERY curvy, but still good.
My first few days were ok, but then I stuipdly was channel surffing one night and watched this weight loss show, and everything went to crap.
The next day I talked to my omi about it, adn she gave me kind of a pep talk about how women with my body type used to be the most desiarable thing out there, and even found me a ton of old paintings. Funny enough, it made me feel batter.
I went to the beach again today, still dawning my white bikini, and when I got there, there were a ton of those "barbie doll" types laying on the sand, all tanned and "perfect." I felt like shit watching them in the water and stuff, especially when they were all looking at me for a minute. The only thing that I could think was, "omg, they're all talking about how bad I look." I even got paraniod that one of them was going to tell me to cover up when they started to walk towards me.
Then, I saw these other girls, some my size, some smaller, some bigger, and they all looked "uniquely" pretty, not all the same. I thought they were by far much more beautiful.
I have just recently started to "train" myself to think like this...all my life I grew up being told by the people I went to school with (including my "friends") that I wasn't good enough to be seen with them, too ugly, too embarassing, etc....I finally had enough.
I think that what really helped before I came here on vacation was that I pretty much stopped watching TV, never bought magazines and just kinda thought for myself. Since coming here, I bought a cosmo for the first time in 2 years and a few gossip magazines for some light reading at the beach. I have never felt more crappy about myself! I instantly got rid of the cosmo after the first few pages. The gossip ones are kinda fun, though, cuz now they're actually focousing on healthy weights, and oddly enough, I feel a little better reading those.
Cosmo says it's an impowering woman's magazine, but that's total and complete bullshit.
What I started to do, was ignore all this superficial crap and looked more at natural beauty...not just in other people, but at mountains, trees, lakes, you get the idea.
I was wondering the other day, what if makeup didn't exist? Who would be the celebrities then? What would be the model of beauty? What if we just ate right and stayed active? I try to live like that now. I couldn't be bothered with this superfical crap anymore.
I used to spend upwards of 2 hours doing my hair, applying makeup and picking out the right clothes. Now that I make most of my clothes, I know they look just the way I want them to, so I don't bother trying different ones on to see if one makes me look fat one day. I ditched the makeup, dh hates it anyway....and now that my hair is long, it's always pulled back into a messy bun or something and usually isn't touched until I shower again. And guess what? I feel better about myself now!
Sorry if this was just a whole bunch of nothing, but this has really been on my mind lately.

 

Honey, you really are a beautiful person, both inside and out.
Comparing yourself to your roommate will do nothing for you. Every woman is different....every woman is unique. Your roommate may be tan and have styled-all-the-time hair, and some men do find that attractive, but others don't. I think you're so beautiful. You don't look like the normal, everyday tanorexic blonde girl that you see on a day to day basis. I like how your on the more healthy looking pale side. It's nothing gross. Just tell yourself that when you and all your friends hit your 40s and 50s, they'll be all wrinkly and sun damaged and you won't be.
Also, you taking care of yourself right now (With your ED and recent abortion) should be first and foremost on your list. I can't imagine what you're going through trying to get back in good health, but I imagine it's taking a lot out of you, sweetie. Just focus on getting yourself better and don't worry so much what you look like. If you're not comfortable with yourself, it radiates to the people who see you.
Just keep your chin up. This too shall pass.
Love and luck.

 

I am going through alot of self image issues right now. I can never seem to get rid of my stomach and have so longed after flat waist....Its always been kinda lumpy, even before pregnancy.

Im now where near being fat, but not a stick either. Luscious would be the word....I think if I could just get rid of this stomach I would be happy.

Its especially hard for me being around my very fit, raw foodist yogi friends. I just feel like a lard pile. I hide my body, and Im just so self conscious even though my higher self knows that Im a beautiful.

 

I think it may be time to go in and speak to a professional.

I'm sure you have a few friends who are aware of your eating habits and try to sympathise with what you are going through at the moment, but you have some serious neurotic tendencies here. An eating disorder is nothing to take lightly at your age.

There are some therapists that are geared to income, and even if you don't have a job - that means that you can get 8 sessions for free and all kinds of things like that out there.

Seeing a professional of some sort couldn't hurt you at this time in your life.

 

Do not fear, I already have a therapist, who is helping me out with everything going on.
Though, I haven't been able to see her as much lately because I haven't had the time nor money. I do see her again this Wednesday.

My eating disorder is improving physically, but not so much mentally... and since I've been struggling almost half of my life, I know that it gets worse mentally before it gets better. It's difficult for me right now to eat healthy and feel good about it, even though I KNOW in my head, that it is best.

I've been eating a well balanced diet, and been doing some light exercising, which makes me feel better about myself.

On the subject of my roommate and all that comes along with this self image issue, it's funny really, because she is constantly telling me she's jealous of ME. I know that it's ridiculous for the both of us to feel that way, but it's difficult not to.

I was in the bathroom the other day, fresh out of the shower, and she said to me, "Ugh, you look perfect without even doing anything, lucky." And I laughed and told her she was just as beautiful naturally. And she didn't buy it.

We are so self-critical.

 

There are soooo many beautiful women out there..Millions.

I fail to see the point in playing the comparison game.

Find a guy who's well lived enough to have run the gamut. Work on becoming well lived yourself...Find someone you share great chemistry with. None of that will matter anymore.
I was worried I might be pregnant this week. We had a slight miscalculation of birth control. I muttered something about being fat, because I feel incredibly bloated. He came up behind me and told me it wouldn't matter, because I'd still be me.
As it turns out, the bloat is my period, but he meant what he said. It wasn't a question I'd asked.
This week I met a relative who's very much like myself. I could see some characteristics in her that I'd always wondered about because we share those things. She's over sixty, & she's still hot. It really blew my mind! Her man was totally into her too.
At the same time, I met another who by television standards would be considered fat, & unattractive. Her man just proposed to her, in Hawaii no less! I'm sure there were g-stringed butts running around...Life is so much bigger than all that manic depressive, obessive compulsive, neurotic bullshit..
Please try to enjoy it, try to like yourself. Learn to love your insides, & the rest will slowly fall into place.
Worrying is a waste of time. Life is too short.

 

I've got a guy who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what... no matter if I'm covered in dirt, sweaty, bloated, or whatever.

But... I'm still me, and I still feel insecure at times. Not with him, or that I will lose him or even to another more "beautiful" girl... I will sometimes feel like he could find someone cuter than me, but I know that he doesn't feel that way, so I don't worry.

It's not about impressing anyone... it's something within myself.