I'm starting this thread at the request of another user of this board. She sent me a private message, interested in more information concerning an ex-lover I wrote about here. She had correctly deduced that the woman I wrote about had BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. Good diagnosis! You can read more about BPD at merck.com. Scroll down to the Cluster B: Dramatic or Erratic Behavior section. That page provides a good overview of other personality disorders as well. But at this point in my life, it's probably more important to examine my own head squirrels, rather than rehashing those of the women I've loved and sometimes hated. Yes, that woman had BPD, and right now I'm in the middle of a divorce (about which I've probably already written too much) from a woman who has been diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder. That one is nowhere near as dramatic, but it's far more confusing and heartbreaking. To me, the salient question is, why do I apparently seek out dysfunctional relationships? My past loves also include a psychiatrist who eventually got her license to practice medicine revoked for exposing herself to some medical students (so I heard, it was long after I knew her), several alcoholics, a self-mutilator (I didn't stick around to find out what that was all about), and God only knows what else. I suppose I've had 30 lovers or more. The lovely lady with the "Waterfall" trick, about whom I've written here, was the healthiest one of the bunch. I know I'm a classic codependent. I've had therapists tell me that for 25 years. What I still haven't managed to figure out is how to break the cycle. I didn't get married until I was 42, when I'd finally thought I'd licked it, but no... While it's true that the woman I chose to be my wife does not drink, has no addictions beyond responsible pot use, shows no signs of a Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, self-mutilation, excessive depression, or any of the other stuff I've learned to avoid, was in fact incredibly loving and generous and gentle and beautiful... she had something even more exotic waiting to pop out of the box. Woop-de-doo! She even told me so on our first meeting, if I'd cared to read between the lines. I was simply too love-struck to read between the lines. Has anybody had any better luck than I've had breaking a cycle like this?
Is Codependency not a fancy word for "obsessive" and "narcissistic"? From the link in the site you provided it seems to describe an individual who appears to care selflessly but is actually more concerned with themself, how they feel and how they appear to the other person. I'm not nitpicking - just trying to get it straight. If that is it, then I can vouch nearly anyone who's been in relationships, had crushes or had emotions of some kind can relate to more than half the things on that list. Don't all people wish to come off as somewhat all right to others? How can your wife accuse you of not reading between the lines when reading between the lines during the honeymoon period (first few months) of a relationship is the most difficult! That was unreasonable. Regarding the imbalanced people you've dated.. to be honest, there is NO out of that cycle as long as you're still in the dating sphere. There are continuously nutcases running freely. Now I know someone with a disorder will become offended and PM me - why don't people just accept themselves for what they are and try to move on. There were countless times where I was dating someone I was so sure was once a patient in a forensic psychiatry hospital. One of them had tempers like the fires of Hades with bizarre accusations on my person that I could never make head or tail of. Avoidancy tendencies, bipolar, self-destructive, narcissistic, alcoholics... and even one mysterious one who seemed to be so plagued by his "demons" as he called them, that he would not let me in. He simply never opened up about it and kept on hinting, "if you knew who I really was, you wouldn't be here"...."I'm afraid to tell you everything or you would leave"...."I don't want things to change, but if you knew.." The cryptic semi-confessions came with his terrible depression until it reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore and nearly accused him (by pointedly asking) if he had abused women in the past. I had begun to be shit scared for myself. So hang in there. I'm very skeptical of psychologists or psychiatrists who place and categorize people because they may be slightly off balance. Everyone has a disorder as far as I'm concerned. Some are just better at hiding it than others, or even using it to their advantage. I'm MOST certain one or some of my exes were convinced I was Queen of Disorder #56235 such and such. There's a reason there's a break up, and not all of it is directed by Walt Disney. Mayhap you've just not found a woman understanding enough to see through the inconsistencies in your behaviour. Just don't beat yourself up. All these labels are there to confuse you. If you don't like something in yourself, make the effort to change that trait, develop a new habit no matter how difficult it is. You of all people should know what you're lacking in and what you need improvement on.
Definitely think there are to many labels around these days... As for codependancy? I don't know. I've read a lot about it but am by no means an expert of any terms...isn't that simply reliance on someone else to the point you forget who you are in every sense? If I am wrong, feel free to correct me, but that's how I understand it. I am curious too as to how your wife expected you to pick up on it straight away? That sounds quite presumptious of her and is hard for me to follow. As for what you can do, if you don't want to be with her any more, move on, and live alone until you feel as though you can begin another relationship. That's all I can advise you. Good luck.
I will admit right now that I have not read any replies, only the OP. I was also codependent, and only chose abusive partners for myself. I can't tell you how to break the cycle of abuse and neediness (needing them to need you), but I can tell you how I did it, or what I think contributed to me breaking free of it.... I think it first started with my father, on his deathbed, apologizing for being abusive to me when I was a child. My husband at the time (now my ex) came home drunk that night and got mad at me for not making him a dinner I know he wouldn't have eaten because I was upset that my father was going to die soon, not to mention the other emotional stuff I was going through. Something snapped at that point. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd had enough. I suddenly realized that need is not the same thing as love, and started to question everything I ever thought relationships were about. For the first time in my life, I put myself first and I left him for the sixth and last time. There are some books, probably lots of them, on this subject. I've heard good things about one called Codependent no More (I think is the title, search bn.com for it)
The problem with codependency is evident in the replies here... no one knows exactly what it is. There's no "official" definition, it's not recognized by the APA, so there's no set list of determining criteria. Instead, it tends to be more a condition of loosely combined symptoms which basically boil down to: difficulty with direct open expression of feelings or relationships, with a willingness to enable anothers dysfuntional behavior. I could elaborate, but this article is fantastic at illustrating a modern definition of what it is (it also addresses .Hannah's point that everyone exhibits those behaviors): http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/codependencea.html Just because it's a little unclear doesn't mean there aren't standard things to combat a codependent nature. The very first mamaboogie has basically described, which is setting boundaries. You have to respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself. You have to be able to want things for yourself, and you have to demand that you get those things. When entering a relationship, unhealthy individuals will try and test those boundaries. It might not be during the honeymoon phase, but shortly afterwards, the bad behavior will come out. People who are codependent will accept this, they'll work around it, they'll sacrifice their own happiness without realizing it (the sacrifice usually makes them feel good about themselves, in fact). On the other hand, people who are interdependent, with higher self esteem, will stand up for themselves and break the relationship off, or demand that their partner take responsibility for fixing their bad behavior. I don't believe labels are there to confuse people. I can basically describe all the ex's of the OP pretty accurately, thanks to those labels. That's not to say it's not confusing trying to figure the differences between them out... the ability to do that is one of the main functions of a psychologist. Oh, and Codependent No More is a good book that captures what codependent relationships really look like, but the author (Beattie) wrote a follow-up book called Beyond Codependency that is far more in-depth concerning correcting the behavior.
Ok, I have a question, this may be slightly off topic, but I've always wondered (I've had family issues with codependency myself): what is so wrong with loving these people that you have all talked about? I understand what is wrong with being codependent (needing someone to be sick or have something wrong with them for you to fix). My question is what if you have a disorder or depression or something. Don't you deserve love too. There are a lot of people out there with mental problems and while love doesn't fix all of the problems, love and understanding from a partner does sometimes help one get through things. I guess my point is why is it so wrong to love someone who is not perfect, or who has a mental problem. I think there is a difference between being in love and being codependent. If you need this person to stay ill, or you must be with someone who has a problem, then maybe there is more to your situation, but just loving someone with an illness such as depression or bpd doesn't make you a horrible person. Please please correct me if I am misunderstanding because this is going to bother me.
This thread worries me...how can you tell if someone you are dating is a nutjob before feelings evolve? Other than obvious tells that show some mental disturbance you never really know. I've had my share of crazy girls and it makes me wonder if I am unaware of my own kookiness at the same time. Nobody is perfect is what I mean.
when you are codependent, you think that your love will fix your partner's problems. When you are no longer codependent, you realize that everyone owns their own actions, it's never your fault when they hit you or if they are unhappy, and the only one who can help them is themselves. Codependent people don't realize that love is not what they sing about in sappy love songs. There is a huge difference between needing a person and loving them. I do love my mother, very much. But she is also codependent and preyed upon by all the sponges and leaches in society. She has never been in a relationship with a man that did not involve some sort of psychological/emotional abuse. I know that I can't help her. I realize that the only person who can help her is herself, but she has to realize that and want help first. Nothing wrong with my loving her, but it was wrong when in the past I thought I could help her when she neither wanted nor asked for my help.
I just sometimes get tired of everyone saying "oh... she has BPD?" like its the freaking plague. Don't touch her, you might catch it and die! It IS possiable to have a few mental difficulties and not let them have you. (i do know that is not what this thread is about, but I couldn't help it... sorry for the intrusion)
I think you may be stuck in a common crux. It's fine to love someone with say, depression. It's possible to have a relatively healthy relationship with them, too. The important thing to realize is that while it's fine to support someone with depression, to be there for them in time of need, it's not okay to hold yourself responsible for making them better. Someone who's codependent takes ownership of their partner's happiness. They need that approval from their partner in order to feel good about themselves. So instead of the depressed partner actually having to do something to work through their depression, they don't have to because there partner enables them to continue on being depressed. My ex was always tense from anxiety. Instead of addressing the things that made her anxious, or finding ways to relieve tension on her own, like Yoga or excercise... I made sure she was perfectly comfortable and gave her a massage that would last hours. If I stopped before she fell asleep, she would be upset, and I held myself responsible for preventing that. Helping relieve her anxiety so she could sleep made me feel good about myself. The whole situation was unhealthy. Love had nothing to do with it. Make sense?
Sorry my first post was hurried, I'm at work and people keep expecting me to actually work! Ok, I think I understand what you are saying a little better now. It is just that, and I'm not going into a huge amount of my personal life here, but I do have a mental illness, and it is just that an illness. And I am under the supervision of a doctor and on medication. It is just like having diabetes or ms or something. There are times, when something happens and my illness gets the best of me. I was upfront with my boyfriend when we were only in the friends stage of our relationship, and I told him all about what my situation is. He has been my best friend and love for going on 6 years now. I don't expect him to take care of me, or try to fix me. There is no cure, and he is not my doctor. I expect him to love and support me like any other person. And he doesn't try to figure everything out or make things better. He is most certainly his own person and neither one of our lives revolve around my illness. I don't abuse him nor does he take any shit from me. We have set boundries, and yes I have crossed them. We've had to work through things and I've had to regain his trust before. It just seems like a lot of times people forget that mental illness is an illness. People don't ask for it. I would give anything to be normal and not have to deal with my life. But that isn't the hand I was dealt. But I'd hate to think that I'm expected to go through life undeserving of love. Do any of you even realize what that is like? I grew up in an extremely abusive home, where I was told that I did not deserve love, and my father withheld any love and affection from me. It is part of the reason why I struggle emotionally to begin with. You wouldn't say that about someone who had cancer. You wouldn't tell someone to leave his/her significant other because they were diagnosed with cancer. I know the difference between love and codependency, (my mother is codependent) but I'm not sure everyone does. Before jumping to conclusions about others, think about some of the things I've said. And before giving up on relationships, honestly think about if it is you or the other person who has the problem, and how can you deal with it together.
According to R. August's list of codependent behaviors, I fit about 10 of 21 ... I like to help other people at my own expense, and the self-sacrifice makes me feel AMAZING -- better than any drug. But I don't do it self-righteously, or for any personal gain except that astounding high that comes from giving myself away. I am not clingy and I do not confuse need with love -- I don't "need" other people and I don't like them to "need" me. And I don't feel that I HAVE to "fix" someone ... I just like to help out if I can. (And yes -- I really do know all of this for a fact ... I might be crazy but I'm not delusional. ) So ... okay, I would like people's opinions of me to factor less in my sense of self-worth ... and it would be nice to put myself in a situation where I am not just used and abused. But at the same time ... I think some codependent behaviors can be channeled into making me a really great person. It just needs work.
There comes a point where you have to put yourself first and look after number one because nobody else is going to do it for you.
Thank y'all for your comments. I'd like to apologize for the line ...why do I keep picking these winners? in my opening post. I've edited it to read ...why do I apparently seek out dysfunctional relationships? The "winner" comment was just the rage over my pending divorce talking. I do not believe people with mental disorders are unlovable. Obviously, I've loved a lot of them. And I agree with whoever said there are too many disorders these days. In a lot of cases, maybe "traits" would be a better word. With some things, ADD for example, I believe they've manufactured a disorder so they can sell drugs to treat it. I also agree with those who pointed out the selfish elements of codependency. I did a rotten thing to my ex: I tried to rescue someone who didn't want to be rescued, and when she resisted, I responded with anger. I'm not letting her off the hook for her part in it. I guess what I'm saying is that our respective head squirrels were part of the initial attraction, but in the end, our head squirrels didn't get along. For my own part, I saw an amazingly talented artist who'd been working jobs like veterinary technician and satellite TV installer for years... wasn't living up to her potential... knew she wasn't living up to her potential... said she wasn't living up to her potential... said she wanted to change... and declared she was on "The 5-Year Plan" to personal success. So I jumped right in, pointing out the areas where I thought she sabotaged herself. I stepped into the "daddy role" without paying attention to where I was going. Bad mistake. I should have been watching more closely. In the beginning, she took my advice, but I should have been noticing her expressions and body language. She'd go, "Uh... alllllrrrright then...." and give me a narrow, suspicious look I can only liken to that of a timid child about to bury her face in her mother's skirt. It was a look I would become all too familiar with as time went by. It didn't take long for her to find out her "One Good Mage," as she called me, had feet of clay just like everybody else. I can even pinpoint when it happened: I tried to trim her dog's toenails. She told me the dog was freaky about its feet and would attack if I tried to mess with them, but I was drunk and high on myself enough to be all "Oh, pish-posh" about it. So I got the clippers and started toward the dog... and she burst into tears. I didn't get bitten. I stopped, realizing she was scared, thinking she feared for my safety. But it wasn't that. I had tripped her dissociation switch. I had dissed her expertise regarding her own animal. Part of her heart had broken off and fallen away, and that's why she was crying. I did not yet understand that that was a one-way proposition with her. I would never get it back. She cannot forgive. It's not in her. She does not possess that capacity. Her father broke it when he screamed at her for not cleaning the stables properly, when he punished her by killing her pets, when he walked out on his family. She told me tonight, "I've put my heart back in my tree, where it's safe." That sounds like nonsense, but it isn't. She was describing a mental symbol she uses for the process of dissociation. Anyway, it was all downhill from the dog's toenails. I responded to her increasing contempt with anger and yelling, which only served to further damage her trust. Some of that anger, I can't even account for. It wasn't like me: it was more like I was channeling something. I wish the whole process was on videotape, so I could see what set me off. Her periods of coldness became longer and longer. One angry outburst from me would lead to a disproportionate response from her. In my opinion, she charged a pound of my flesh for every drop of her blood I drew. It's scary watching the personality of someone you love rotate like a trick wall in a funhouse. It's literally heartbreaking. DID used to be called "Multiple Personality Disorder," and for a damn good reason. She's not exactly a single entity. I had fair warning. In the second post on this thread, Hannah asked, "How can your wife accuse you of not reading between the lines when reading between the lines during the honeymoon period (first few months) of a relationship is the most difficult! That was unreasonable." I left the wrong impression. "Reading between the lines" makes the hints sound more subtle than they actually were. Before we even encountered each other face to face, she started a thread on the board where we met called "Disassociative (sic) Disorders for Fun and Profit." I didn't take it seriously: first, because she misspelled the name of the disorder, leading me to think she didn't know much about it; and second, because I thought she was writing metaphorically in that thread. But there was nothing metaphoric about it. The clencher was when we first met in meatspace. That's when I overlooked something so obvious, there's nothing to say in my own defense except I was stupid. She flew to my home town and spent a week with me. I had arranged for vacation time from work. We hopped into bed immediately upon arriving at my home from the airport, and we didn't really leave the bed for nine days. In the midst of all the pillow-talk that went on between bouts of fucking, she was up front about saying she had entities that she channeled, that lived in her head. She said she wouldn't lie to me about that, that if it was just too weird for me, better I knew right then so I could put her back on a plane and send her home. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Some may think it crazy, but I have an open mind about such things. I've had too many inexplicable things happen to me to doubt the existence of an occult reality right alongside our own. I even thought at the time, Maybe they're separate entities, or maybe she's just a little nuts, but if she is, it seems like a fairly harmless and charming way to be nuts. It wasn't. It never occurred to me that one of those critters could slide into the driver's seat behind her eyes and take the wheel, but that's what happened. I don't even know the thing that's driving her interaction with me now. I doubt anybody does. I am not blameless. I ignored danger signs. I became verbally abusive. I have rage and control issues that she initially found attractive, just so long as they weren't aimed at her, but once she put herself in the crosshairs they weren't so delightfully masculine anymore. I still love her. She does not love me. I see no chance for reconciliation. I know a terminal situation when I see it, and I accept that. I am deeply sorry for my part in it. Among other things, I've given up drinking except in social situations, and I don't drink much then. I'm not an alcoholic, but drinking lowers my inhibitions and my ability to control anger. It's a depressant, and I don't need to be any more depressed than normal during this grieving phase. I'm also learning the skills of deep relaxation, stomach breathing, burst activity, sequential tightening and loosening of the muscles, and other tricks for coping with anger and anxiety. I'm learning to center myself, and getting faster and faster at it. Practice makes perfect. I've passed through a good deal of the grieving process. Denial hasn't been part of the picture for weeks. Anger still makes appearances, but I'm coping with it. The "bargaining" behaviors I recognize for what they are, and so have dropped the unrealistic notion that our relationship is fixable. I still experience frequent bouts of depression, but it's not debilitating, I'm nowhere near suicidal, and I'm functioning just fine as far as work and social situations go. I'm starting to experience longer and longer periods of peace and acceptance, which means I'm healing. In the end, I know I'll end up better for this. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.
It takes two to be codependent. It's not either person's fault, or maybe it's both. I'm not sure. Your last post is really scary, I don't know that I could bare that much of myself online like that. Being drunk isn't the issue, neither is being angry. What is a problem is how you react to anger. You can change that, but you have to really really want to change. But you can never undo the damage your abuse has done to the woman you say you love. there are therapists who have had specialized training in dealing with domestic violence and abuse (domestic violence does not always involve physical hitting). Seek out the help of one of them. It's not about anger management, if that's the track your other therapists have taken with you. http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/forabusers.htm
Wierd... my ex couldn't forgive either (compassion and empathy were things to be used to get what she wanted), and she had a crazy thing about a tree as well. Are you absolutely sure she’s DID? I would assume that she’s progressed fairly far in therapy, that most if not all of her personalities had fused by your posts. Btw, I’ve seen those “critters” take over, it’s one of the scariest things anyone can ever watch happen to someone they love, but I only saw it a couple of times... my ex wasn't full blown DID, just a bpd with dissociative episodes. Anyways, the exercises you're doing are good things to learn, but you should really consider talking to a psychologist if you haven’t already. When there's an established pattern of codependent tendencies like you've described, it's not something you're likely to correct on your own. Not to pick hairs or anything, but a psychologist that doesn’t address anger management when dealing with someone prone to abuse has no business practicing. Cognitive behavioral therapy (which employs anger management) is far, far more effective at reducing recurrence of abusive behavior than Duluth oriented therapy, which research has repeatedly shown to not only be ineffective, but to actually increase instances of emotional abuse.
It's not nearly as scary as the reality behind it. But as far as baring myself online goes, I figure I won't get any constructive input if I hold stuff back. "Garbage In, Garbage Out." Still, I have the feeling I may have given a misleading impression somewhere.... Knowing full well that there is no defense against a charge of denial, I should hasten to add that I do not have a history of abusing my significant others. I said I had rage and control issues, and I can see how that could be construed as admitting as much, but the history just isn't there. What I do have problems with are setting reasonable boundaries, being consistent (no means no), and expressing myself effectively when someone does make me angry. I tend to let things build up for too long, then I explode. I have never struck my estranged wife. I have never broken anything. I have never picked up a weapon. She has done two out of three. She's picked up a large knife in the middle of an argument, and on another occasion, a loaded gun (on both occasions I talked her into putting them down; she said she'd only intended to use them on herself). She has put her head through a wall. I have never gone past yelling, and we were almost a year into the relationship before I even got to that point. Of course, looking at the website at your link, that's abuse. According to that website, just about everything is abuse. Going by that list, my ex went there looooong before I ever did. I mean, check that thing out: "Jokes, insults"? "Ignores feelings"? "Put downs of your roles or abilities"? "Demanding of all attention"? "Sends mixed signals"? "Unpredictable consequences of actions"? "Questions your sense of reality"? "Causes you to question sense of reality"? "Suicide"? (I assume they mean threats of suicide.) If those things are all examples of abuse, she was abusing me from the first week she moved in with me. Not that I think they are. I think that website is largely full of it. It leaves me with the same questions I had when I started this thread: what is the correct response to unacceptable behavior from one's spouse? Simply leave them? (I guess warning them that you're thinking about it would fall under "Threats against the marriage," and therefore would also be considered abuse.) Or, are there no unacceptable behaviors? "Sure honey, it doesn't matter to me that you spent the weekend at your ex-boyfriend's house, or that his wife is running around saying he had an affair with you. It doesn't matter that he sent an email to my address by accident, meaning to send it to you, talking about how he still loves you and how much seeing you still hurts. That's all a perfectly normal part of marriage. Just release your energy any way you feel, at any given moment. It's all good!" Bullshit. I yelled at her over the phone for that one. I probably should have started settlement negotiations right then, rather than spending the next eighteen months in a descending spiral. In my case, Mamaboogie, yes, I believe it is. But as I said, there is no defense against a charge of denial. She says she is. She's actually quite comfortable with it, proud of it even. (How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change! Hardy-har-har. This one doesn't want to.) She's never said anything to indicate that any of her "personality subroutines" have ever integrated, and as far as I know, only two generally talk to the outside world: "The Cat," with whom I fell in love, and "The Gate Guardian," which I don't like even being in the same room with. GG is the one that's always in the driver's seat when she's dealing with me now, and GG is adamant that it's neither a "he" nor a "she," it's an "it." There is also a third, "The Dragon," with whom I've spoken only once. She's mild, vague, detached, and other-worldly. I've never had a problem with her. The Cat has told me The Dragon sometimes leaves her head entirely, and goes off to do other things. She says she doesn't know what those things are. I'd have to say no, but her stories about her therapy haven't been entirely consistent over the years. At the beginning of our relationship, she told me of only two courses of it, the first psychiatric, the second spiritual. Of the psychiatric one, she told me she checked herself into a mental hospital when she was quite young, but they couldn't figure out what was wrong. They said her symptoms didn't fit any kind of established diagnosis, and eventually became very curious about her. At the point when it started to look like they wanted to make her into a guinea pig, she told them she'd made the whole thing up and walked out. She'd walked in voluntarily, so she could do that. Then she tried the spiritual route. I've actually spoken to one of the people who treated her on that occasion, and her story was very similar to my ex's, but differed in a few important respects. My ex told me they'd identified three distinct spiritual entities inhabiting her body, but were worried about The Dragon. They thought she (The Dragon is a "she") should be exorcised, driven out. But my ex thought The Dragon was a good thing, so she bugged out of there, too. When I recently had a chance to speak with one of the healers involved in that episode, she surprised the hell out of me. I expected her to be kind of airy-fairy and hippy-dippy, but this woman was all business. She was all lawyers and shrinks, not spiritual brouhaha. As far as the question of "Psychiatric, or spiritual?" went, she didn't give a fig. Although she had the sense that my ex's problem was more spiritual than organic, she said it didn't matter: its effects on the people who loved her was what mattered. And, as she told it, it hadn't been The Dragon they were worried about. It had been The Gate Guardian. She said that yes, they'd wanted to drive it out, but that my ex wouldn't let them. Instead, she skipped off happily with her boyfriend, going "I'm a Shaman! I'm a Shaman!" I was surprised to hear that kind of tone from her. She's one of the few people my ex speaks of with respect, and I said so. She replied, "Oh, I respect her. I respect a scorpion too, but I get away from it. Frankly, I'm surprised _______ is still alive. Run." Those are the two stories I've been aware of from the beginning (minus the healer's version, of course). In the last couple of years, however, my ex has responded to anything I said about therapy by cutting me off and saying contemptuously, "I've had more therapists and hours of therapy than you've even thought of having. They've all thought I'm very well-adjusted. They think I'm fine." But, she's also said she has DID. She hasn't been specific about when it was diagnosed. Thanks for listening. It feels good to vent.
control issues is what makes it abuse. When you attempt to control another person's behavior through violence, or angry reactions, yelling, threats, or head games, you are abusing that person. When you verbally disparage someone, putting them down, making fun of them or the things that are important to them, that is abuse. All those things listed at that website really are abusive behaviors. Yeah, sure, everyone does some of them from time to time, but abusers do some of them all the time. Dealing with the anger won't stop the abuse, it will just take on sneakier forms instead. The effects of chronic psychological and emotional abuse on a person are just the same as the effects of being beaten physically.
Yes, I got that from that website. Going by it (I'm flying by the seat of my pants here) I would say there was no abuse in the beginning, because there were no control issues. The control issues developed over time. I never wanted to control her behavior, although she had certain behaviors I wished she had acknowledged and examined, because they did build up to me losing my temper. It went more like this: I set her loose in my world, trusting her completely, and she systematically went about smashing my trust on every front: first domestic, then financial, and eventually, sexual. I didn't lose the sexual trust until relatively recently. A pattern established itself, and the pattern was essentially this: when I proposed any kind of a joint project, she took over. She was calling the shots. If I asked for her help, she got pissy. If I offered to help her, she told me to stay out of her way. Any attempt I made at saying, "What about doing it this way?" was met with anger and coldness on her part. She took suggestions as "arguing." She ridiculed my level of competence. She usually insisted on working alone. She told me not to do things, because it screwed up her process. And eventually, I started to blow my top. I do have "control issues" about my personal space, not about the behavior of others. At least, she says I do, and I'll cop to it. I do not believe, however, that I'm unreasonable. I'm not the guy from Sleeping with the Enemy who beat his wife because the bathroom towels were hanging unevenly on the rack, or some Mommie Dearest rage-monster: "NO... WIRE... HANGERS!" The first thing she set about doing was completely re-vamping my house (this was not a joint project: this was all her; she said she didn't want my help). Before long, there were piles of vermin-infested blankets and towels, filled with dog hair and sometimes feces, piled on the back porch and in other places. I couldn't find things... which may not have been all her fault, but some of it was (I couldn't always tell). Certain areas of the house she unquestionably improved; others, she trashed. I began to notice her cavalier disregard for precious objects (she flushed her wedding ring down the toilet by accident, for God's sake!) I tried talking to her about some of her methods, and about paying attention to what she was doing. At first, I wasn't angry, more astonished and bewildered. (Why the hell did she do that?) She took such attempts as criticism, and angrily dismissed them, saying the house had been a dump when she moved in. I had cleaned it before she arrived, and I knew that was an exaggeration: a couple of areas, the kitchen and courtyard, were going to require a lot more work than routine cleaning, but I've seen dumps. It was far from being a dump. I tried helping her with the housework. She told me I was only getting in her way, that she had better methods for doing things, that I was too slow. I finally tried concentrating on areas she always put off, like the bathroom. She ridiculed my methods there, too: for example, I clean the outside of a toilet with TP and Clorox spray, and simply flush the TP. She said that was stupid. She used washcloths... which inevitably took the one-way ride to the piles of nasty towels stashed around the house. She doesn't wash towels. She lets them ferment like a compost heap until there's nothing else to do with them but throw them away. I finally butted out. I let her run it. And then came my first big blowup: "The Trashcan Incident." It occurred some number of months after she'd moved in with me. How many months, I can't say. I have no doubt that her estimate would differ from mine. She still reminds me of The Trashcan Incident. It's another one of those things she's never forgiven, no matter how many times I've apologized for it. It's been three years and we're separated, but I still hear about The Trashcan Incident. I had bought the trashcan at Target. She was with me when I bought it. I'd always wanted one like it. It was stainless steel, and had a durable foot-pedal mechanism for raising the lid, like you see in doctors' offices. I like a trash can with a lid--it keeps the stink in and the maggots out--and I was tired of those cheap Rubbermaid things that sent their lids flying across the room when you stepped on the pedal. For a trashcan it was expensive, well over a hundred dollars, but to me it was worth it. She argued with me there in Target, saying that over a hundred dollars for a trashcan was stupid. I bought it anyway, and that argument set up what was to follow. One day I went outside, and that trashcan was lying on its side in the front yard. Its inner basket was lying in the grass nearby. All of a sudden, the piles of filthy towels, the damaged items, the contempt for the way I did things, my increasing loss of control over my environment, hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around and saw that the house was starting to develop what I thought of as a "trailer trash aesthetic," and I lost it. I went into the house yelling. Yelling was all I did, but it was enough. She was cold for a week after that, and our relationship never really recovered from it. That episode was abusive on my part. I was immediately ashamed of losing my temper like that, and I still am. I had tried to express my feelings, been contemptuously dismissed, stepped back out of her way, let her run the show, and let things build up. Guilty. But going by the list on the website to which you linked, Mamaboogie, the abuse had actually started at the very beginning, with her abusing me. I keep looking at two of the items on that list: "Questions your sense of reality," and "Causes you to question sense of reality." Damn. She started doing that to me from our very first week together. Our versions of events have never quite matched. She used to explain these differences by going into "slippery timelines" and "Schrodinger's catboxes" and the idea that we weren't experiencing quite the same history... but now she just dismisses me as delusional. There is no objective record for most of this stuff: it's my word against hers. To make matters worse, I kept an open mind about her "timeline" theories for a very long time, and to some extent, I still do. I do believe the universe is stranger that most people think, that quantum physics is just beginning to get a handle on it, that what we call the "supernatural" is perfectly natural but poorly understood, that weird stuff happens. Weird stuff has always happened to me. My relationship with my ex has been thick with it, and that's not her fault. It's simply the result of two fairly powerful psi-actives under one roof. Yes, we're both psychic, neither one of us is delusional about that, and the fact that we are created problems all its own. The reason that is pertinent is that she uses it as an excuse. Our lives were so thick with anomalies that it was impossible to tell what was reality, and what was delusion... or excuse. The only incidents I can be sure of are the multiple-witness kind, because I now know about her tendency to use anomalous events as excuses. Back then however, I trusted her implicitly. We met online, on a board dedicated to spiritual growth, anomalous events, and politics, primarily. It was not a "meet market." Neither one of us was trying to find a mate there. But we got to know each other over a period of more than a year, and we fell in love with each others' minds. She was one of the most logical, incisive posters on that board. Her writing is brilliant, with a unique style. She demonstrated a gift for the Tarot that was nothing short of amazing. People were lining up asking her for card readings, until she finally had to stop because it was exhausting her (she hates seeing the bad stuff, and never knows quite what to say about it). She's an exceptional cartoonist. She claims a genius-level IQ, and I believe it (my own is gifted-level). There was nothing in her posts or her abilities to indicate she had a "flaky side." Her strengths and talents are really quite amazing, and you won't hear me dismissing those even now. By the time she arrived in my world, I was wild with wanting to get to know her body. She felt the same way about mine. Our clothes were on the floor before she'd been in my house half an hour. I wanted to know her physically as well as I thought I already knew her mentally and spiritually. At this point, the reader might be asking, "How did you miss all the squirrely stuff, Mr. Psychic?" That's a fair question. The answer, I think, has to do with the way she put her "Cat" personality out there for the world to see, and kept her other aspects mostly shielded, letting only enough through for "seasoning." There are ways of detecting such shields, and even of penetrating them (although the latter is unethical, in my opinion), but there was no way I wanted to detect them. I wanted to trust her. She'd given me no reason not to. I'm telling you all this to give you some background. Things got so weird when we were together that her using "alternate timelines" to dismiss my version of events got lost in the noise. There were manifestations. There were acausal coincidences. There were exquisite moments of profound empathy. She came a thousand miles to live in my world, and I had no reason to doubt her about anything. We lived together for about a year, then got married. A couple of years into it, for reasons that had nothing to do with her, I quit my job of almost 20 years. Not only my direct supervisor, but the entire chain of command above me, had retired and been replaced, and the new bosses were a bunch of idiots. Out of my six-person crew, within a very brief span of time, three of us quit outright, and two more transferred out. It was bad. I sold the house, and we moved to her home state to be close to her family. I was done with mine. My desire to leave had nothing to do with her, although she did pick the destination. That whole process was a long, sad tale of disillusionment, stress, insensitivity, and heartbreak in itself, but I'm not going to go into it here, save to say that I received the email I mentioned earlier, which her ex-boyfriend sent to my address by mistake, during that time. She'd already moved here with all our stuff, and I was left behind with nothing but a computer, a boom box, an air mattress, a few articles of clothing, and most of my tools, finishing the renovations on the house. It wasn't until I got here that I started to realize she sometimes used anomalies as excuses for inappropriate behavior (there is such a thing as inappropriate behavior, right?) Some of her friends started saying stuff to me like, "She's the Queen of Rationalization," or even better, "She can irrationalize anything," and the reality of my situation started to sink in. At this point, she's still claiming that her ex-boyfriend and his wife are probably telling the truth when they say she had sex with him, but she's also telling the truth when she says she didn't. Alternate timelines. Occult Theory 101. Tra-la. What am I supposed to make of that? Now that we're separated, people have finally started to tell me stuff. It isn't good. I'm the fourth or fifth guy she's chewed up and spit out like this: the first one deserved it; the rest of us probably didn't. I took an interest in what was behind those "shields" of hers I'd always preferred not to see, and I'm still in horror of what I found. In her writing, she had always demonstrated an immaculate sense of ethics. Turns out that was The Cat talking. The Gate Guardian doesn't explain its ethics, and doesn't seem to have any beyond "All's fair in love and war." It twists logic into pretzels. It could rationalize anything. Anything. I've come to realize that The Cat is the personality she uses for most human interaction, but GG is the one in charge. It mostly just doesn't get involved until it wants to, or feels it has to, and The Cat trusts it to protect her without analyzing its ethics or tactics. The Cat doesn't know why it does what it does. GG is running the show, and her heart is back in the tree. What I'm facing now might be an independent entity, or a DID-induced personality subroutine. As the woman who tried to heal my ex years ago said, it really doesn't matter. Either way, there's a perfectly good word for it. That word is "demon."
