Eating Disorder

that really sucks, hun.

 

I have weight problems too ... I was normal-sized until I was four years old and my grandmother started to take care of me. She encouraged me to eat A LOT more than I should ... because I was a little kid and I liked cookies and candy, right ... ? Plus my mother worked at a vending company, so it was all free.

I carried extra baby fat all through elementary and middle school, hating every minute but not knowing enough to relate bad eating habits to extra weight. The other kids teased me to the point that I attempted suicide in SIXTH GRADE.

Then I got to high school, and learned about diet and nutrition. I started to work out, run, and so on, in addition to riding horseback and doing farm chores.

But then I began to compete horseback, and saw how I looked in sleek tan English riding pants compared to the other stick-thin girls ... and hated myself for it. So the eating disorder began.

"Fortunately" for me I had an extremely overweight friend who kept me clued into new dieting trends ... I tried low-fat, low-carbohydrate (though I used *naturally low-sugar foods, not those icky packaged crap foods ... plus I was vegetarian so I used soy meats), then low-EVERYTHING -- which got old VERY FAST.

Then I started to eat only all-natural foods, and felt better very quickly. But I watched what I ate and when I ate, like a hawk. I would eat 150 calories or less, every two hours or more ... my life was spent counting minutes because I was so hungry and couldn't wait for the next two-hour marker.

Once I got to college I only got worse, because I could barely afford food ... plus I had access to free gym equipment so I worked out to the point of exhaustion every night, in addition to playing on a soccer team and taking a kickboxing class. But I finally looked GREAT, even to my own eyes. And the scale read 112 and dropping ...

which finally terrified me. When I saw that I, as a 5'5" girl, weighed 112 pounds but STILL had a little extra at the tops of my thighs and on my lower belly, I realized that something was amiss.

I might not have stopped, though, if I hadn't got pregnant. I lost the baby and plunged into a deep depression -- stopped working out, started eating more, and gained back all that I had lost, until I weighed 130 pounds.

That was a bit too much, so I got back to 125 ... started to date the poet and felt really good about myself ... but now that he is gone I find myself hating the reflection in the mirror. Now I can barely eat without getting sick, and I am trying to diet again. I have no idea what I weigh, but I am visibly thinner, and since I am living mostly on nutrition bars, fruit, and pita bread, plus taking ridiculously long walks just to clear my head, it's no wonder.

I wouldn't mind getting nice and fit again ... but I hope I don't get too thin.

Thank you, ladies (and any gents ... I didn't read all 17 pages here), for giving me a reality check ... and for finally letting me admit this!

Much peace and love to you all !!

-- * Kristi *

PS: I love the lack of rude comments ... thanks to everyone who has considered posting one but decided not to.

 

my mom expressed worry to me tonight I was bawling not becuase I am in pain fron spraining a muscle, not becuase I just started a new stressful job but because I thought I gained weight from not being able to go to the gym yesterday and today and do not know how I will make it rhough the week. I had a relapse of my bulimia for the first time in a really long time. I ate a piece of cake and felt disgusted with myself that I ate that when I can't burn it of tommorow and I got rid of it and then drank more and more water and kept making it come up until it was clear and I can see I was em,pty again. I've been so good. I ahven't been getting enough calories but still at least 1000 and I haven't purged in so long I feel like I blew it ):

 

dietcoketree:

That's no good.... at my worst, I was like that too. It got to the point where I couldn't walk more than probably 20 feet without feeling like I was out of breath and going to pass out. My body started aching terribly.... Not even being able to injest liquids is very very dangerous, because the number one thing that keeps you alive is water.

your body can and will survive without food for periods of time [it's built to be able to do that in case of emergency] however, water is something it needs, and can't live without for even a matter of days.

I know it's hard but please, dear, try to drink some water.

Suncatch:

Thanks for sharing your story... if you ever need anything this is a good place to come, it has been for me.

Lynsey:

I'm really sorry to hear that.... I know you've been on this thread before, and you sounded like you recovered... I'm sorry to hear that it fell through a little. But, that will happen. Have you ever had a relapse since you decided to get better? If not, don't worry, it's still 100% possible to get back on your feet again, relapses are completely normal for anyone who has had a problem with it.



And I don't feel like talking/sharing my own stuff right now... I'm dreading seeing the nutritionist. I'm scared to death.

 

no this is my first relapse ): I had been really good. I think I am just going to eat really lightly and healthy this week until I can work out again just to make sure I don't do it again. I was on pain meds so my head was not on straight, when I chose to eat the cake and when I chose to get rid of it and I slipped back into old habits. I am really upset with myself but I guess I just have to move on and try harder. Guess I wasn't as over it as I thought I was ):

 

aww don't beat yourself up over it though.. I know it can be disheartening, but it happens. I felt the same way, too, and I have come to the conclusion that to believe you're completely over something like an eating disorder probably makes you more vulnerable. I think with an eating disorder you always have to be aware, and self-aware to avoid slipping back into it. But that's just my theory.

If it does get worse...I hope you get help for it. Don't let it get the best of you <3

 

all things get worse before they get better. maybe this is the turning point that will make you put every ounce of effort into getting better.

im not religious at all, but sometimes things happen for a reason. best of hope to you.

 

I'm starting to crave the thiness I used to have again. I had a picture taken the other day for work, got so many complments I couldn't stop noticing that my collarbone wasn't showing as much as I would like it to. This makes no sense I was chubby even fat at times for almost the past two years and then I got mono lost a lot of weight and now I feel like I just can't get skinny enough I hit my goal wieght, my body fat percentage goal and it's not good enough for me i went from a 12 to a 10 to an 8 and now i wanna be a 4. In my head I know I am 5'10 a 4-6 is crazy for my height, unhealthy but fat digusts me on me i drive past fast food places and the smell of frying makes me throw up in my mouth, I grab the fat on my stomach and wish i could take a knife and cut it off

i got so mad in this thread a few weeks ago because i knew i was having a problem again and i wanted to deny it and pretend i was better than everyone else who was still going through it but I am 24 years old and I am still struggeling with this my heart aches for me. I know it is so wrong but i can't stop thinking. i don't act on it a lot. i eat 1k calories a day at least so I am ok but it is hard to not go below that it's a struggle.

 

I feel bad for kind of freaking out on you a few weeks ago now

You sound so much like me, and because of that, I sympathize...rather empathize for you, because it's not a fun feeling to have. Wishing you cut off your fat with a knife is something I've been feeling like since I was YOUNG... and everytime I think about how long I've been dealing with such hardcore feelings, it makes me really sad inside.

My point is...just because you're 24 years old makes no difference. You can be 5 or you can be 60 and still have a problem with it. Some girls develop eating disorders when they are too young to even know what's going on... other WOMEN develop eating disorders not until they are well into their middle ages, it's not an age issue.

And it has NOTHING to do with your maturity or intelligence, if that's what makes you feel bad. I know it's hard to look at it realistically when things are distorted, because the disease is what distorts it... But you know that inside YOU are there, and YOU know what's realistic and healthy and just because you have a disorder doesn't make you any less intelligent or grown up.

I was actually reading, very recently, too about how being ill can "trigger" someone who has had issues with eating in the past, because of weight loss or loss of appetite, and the fact that you got mono probably has a lot to do with it.

You sound like a very smart woman, and I'm sure that you won't let it get the best of you.




The only issue with eating disorders is the "voices" of yourself, and the voice of your disorder are sometimes hard to distinguish, and choose between. I often have a problem siding with myself, rather than the disorder. I want help so bad, but my disorder wants me to be sick.

I'm literally dreading going to the nutritionist next week because my disorder is causing me to fear being healthy again, and afraid of getting "fat" even though the real me knows that's not true at all.

But in any event that you know which part is you talking [thinking] always go with YOU. It will save your life...

p.s. 1k calories a day may not be enough either... it's not as dangerous as it could be, but especially if you do start exercising again 1k will not be enough. 1k sounds like a lot to me, as someone with a distorted perception on the whole thing, but I know facts too, and the fact is most normal, healthy adult human beings need around 2k calories a day to stay healthy and obtain all the vitamins they need. Some people even need to eat more than 2k a day BECAUSE they work out a lot, or have high metabolisms.

 

I've had issues with my weight since I was about 8 or 9 years old.. It didn't really get very out of hand till this past year. It's been to the point where I didnt eat for days and just told people I was "fasting" and cleansing and whatnot, and I used laxatives for quite a while... I lost my period for about six months (its back now, thankfully), I exercised compulsively, and I had some bulimic tendencies for a couple of months. For a while I went vegan and then raw vegan in hopes to lose weight and I just kept losing my period, and feeling weak (physically) all the time. The lowest point was when I wasn't even letting myself have a glass of water because I was just so afraid it would make my stomach protrude out... Also, I realized shortly after that someday I might not be able to have kids, and it hit me how selfish it was, and how much help I needed, and I just couldn't take it any more because my life was just based on food. What I was going to eat, how much, when, where, calories, fat, fibre, how quickly it digests and will get out of my system, and all that.. agh.. It hasn't left me entirely yet.

Finally I got help and started talking to a counsellor/health nurse at my school privately and she's really helped a lot... I still can find myself seeing food as my enemy a lot of the time, but it's definitely getting and gotten a TON better. I am extreeeeemely thankful it only went as far as it did, as I never quite got to a point where I was just skin and bones. To all of you out there who responded about having eating disorders, I sincerely hope you all overcome them and to those who have, you have a deep respect from me. Thanks Dietcoketree, for posting this thread. It's good to know I'm not the only one around here who's dealing with it all...

 

my heart just aches for everyone here. isnt it funny how we have no problem telling eachother, "youll get better soon" and "i know youll overcome," even though, i know me atleased, has NO intention of seeking recovery?

this is really bad but ill just admit it on here- ive known people at my school become very thin from anorexia or bulimia and i desperatly hope for their recovery.... so that they will look bigger and maybe i could BEAT them...

ugh i feel so dirty thinking that. but its the truth. and not only that, but i sometimes wish i could be the only one with the problem so i could look like i have the most self control and i dont know.

i also am disgusted with people around me when they eat. i feel a lot better then them when im not eating and they are pigging out on extreme calories that i can basically see go straight to their hip.

im not trying to promote eating disorders, nor do i want to convey anything 'triggering,' but i just want this forum to be honest. and thats honesty- i have never before admitted such selfishness.

 

I've had those same sorts of feelings before too actually.. My mom is a friggin stick figure and she eats like a horse. She's so tiny.. She's 48 and honestly I've had myself wishing I had her body, many many times. There's been times when she offered to get a gym membership with me or exercise with me.. And I wouldn't let her because I was afraid she'd wind up looking better than me.. I can't believe how horrible that sounds.

I always felt a little better when I got to school because there are a lot ( a lottt) of overweight people, and I just felt like...I just felt a little more adequate and not so worthless... But when you actually look at it.. I can't believe how I just measured my own self worth for so long on my waistline..

When you were talking about "no intention of recovery," dietcoke tree... I can definitely remember going through that. It was so hard to even comprehend just .. being normal. Throughout it all, I was just wishing (well, still am now..) that I could just eat normally and be satisfied, not have to deal with all that stuff. But then it seemed like "if I eat normally, I'm going to be fat." Eventually after talking to my counsellor/an assortment of close friends(one of which I found out was going through the same things as me), I knew I had to stop it all.

Not even sure how the hell it happened, but I've just been feeling better. We only get one life, and I need to enjoy it while I can, and I won't be enjoying anything or experiencing much if my life revolves around my guilt for eating something that really won't hurt me. For me, at first, to stop eating was just a lazy approach to lose weight, but then it transformed into a whole.. whatever it became. It obsessed me and broke me apart for a very long time. I've come to accept that it was just hurting myself, hurting my chance of having a family, hurting the family and friends I have now, and wearing everyone out. I saw a picture of myself from the side about two weeks ago and it really hit me, that I didn't/don't need to lose weight. When I actually saw myself and I wasn't looking in a mirror, I saw what other people see, and then I realized how ridiculous it all was. I'm a size 2/3 and I was trying to get down to a 1 or zero. A zero for god's sake. Nothing. Ahh god now that.. it just seems so stupid now that I see it. I finally started to just exercise for an appropriate amount of time, and I eat good healthy foods, good portion sizes, but if I slip up, (heres where I have trouble a lot of them time) I try my hardest not to dwell on it.

Anyhow, I just.. It's been even more eye opening to write that whole spew right there, and to read everyone's posts also. I'll say it again, but thanks for making this thread.

 

I really can't honestly say I've ever felt that way...

I've felt that whole not wanting to recover thing, but wanting others to recover, but not for the same reason. For me it's always just been a factor of having a hard time breaking away from the disorder, especially now because I've been dealing with it so long, sometimes I feel like it's part of me...even though it's really not. I never felt competitive with it, but I guess a LOT of people do...

But, like I said before, mine's not so much a weight issue.

I fear recovery, because I fear losing that control that I feel like I have... but the reason that I go ahead with recovery is because I know that fear is completely off base, and that in reality I'm nowhere near in control...the disease controls ME.

It consumes me to a point that I can't live anymore, because my every day is dictated by my disorder... What I'm going to, or don't want to eat dictates me, what I have eaten or hadn't eaten dictates me, and controls how I feel, and what I do, and the kind of person I am, and it's not ME. I've become ridiculously careless with my health, even though I care probably more than anyone I know, about health.

I even slipped up and smoked a few times this past week, because of the stupid disorder. Something that I worked so hard to quit, and was so proud of, in a matter of seconds didn't matter to me anymore, because my disease has such a grip on me that the only that matters is being "in control" no matter how much I worry about how it's going to physically hurt me, I go through with it anyway.

Anyway my point was.... this isn't something I want. I only hold on to it because I'm afraid of letting go. This isn't something I want other people to have because I know how much it ruins your life, and I hate to see others go through what I have/am. I don't envy girls smaller than me, that have eating disorders, rather I wish I could help.... I will admit though, I envy people that eat like pigs and stay like toothpicks, but I'm pretty sure it's normal for people to wish they were like that. And anyway, weight for me, isn't an issue, rather it's only a small part of the result of my "control", and the only time I really get concerned about the weight, is if I gain, then I think I'm "losing control" again.

dietcoketree, don't take this to offense, but because you are still a LITTLE younger, you're going to notice changes... as you grow older, your eating disorder will change too. I might have been like you a few years ago [though I don't really remember because that period of my life is kind of a cloud...] I was very full of angst, didn't really care that anyone around me was upset about it, and I felt very selfish in my ways. But as I grew it changed... [and you DO change a TON just within a few years around our age range... I still see myself changing, day to day, growing and learning] through experience, and lots of let-downs I had realized how much it was ruining my life, and how terrible of a person I had become as opposed to the person I really was. But, I had forgotten who I was. When I started recovery... I had to like, re-learn anything I ever knew about myself all over again, because the disorder had overshawdowed it to a point that I couldn't see it anymore.

I want recovery more than anything, honestly....
I'm just scared. There is nothing wrong with that though. I'm NOT going to let my fear stop me from conquering this.

 

Also, do you think that your habit of observing others eat, is something you sort of "trained" yourself to do to make you disgusted in eating, so that you wouldn't?

I ask only because, I used to do that a lot... and it was a result of me conditioning myself to become disgusted with food.

The real fact of the matter is, basically ANYONE with an eating disorder does NOT hate food, in fact, even those with anorexia are quite obsessed with food.... rather they train themselves to hate it because they are disgusted in the fact that they are obsessed with food. That's how I've always felt.

I will fully admit I'm pretty much obsessed with food. And I won't lie, I love food... but I often find myself making comments about food being disgusting, even when it really isn't, because I rather "yearn" to NOT care about food, and to not like it so much.

I used to do this thing... where when I would go to eat, say it was a salad, I would picture something like a leaf worm crawling in it, so that I would lose my appetite for it. It got to the point where yes, I was not only disgusted with food, but I was AFRAID of it... I was afraid that anything I would try to eat would be contaminated with pests or droppings, or dirt, or mold...etc. and that made my recovery VERY difficult....

It got to the point where I didn't have to imagine it anymore, it was something I automatically assumed about the food in front of me or something. It was terrible.

Anyway.... my point was, often times, it's not that you really find it disgusting, it's that your disorder has trained you to find it disgusting

 

i totally agree with that... i absolutly love food.

and i also do that where i make myself disgusted. for example ill get a bowl of ice cream and right before i eat it, ill look at it and think, "this is so gross. theres part cow in here (dairy), and disgusting sugar, and it will be so cold ill shiver" and i just make it seem to myself like theres no reason why id volentarily put that into my body. when i see people eating, ill tihnk of how many calories they are eating and i tihnk that they are also 'just gross.'

i know that its just mind games but they are so beleivable at the time.

 

I've been struggeling with it for years now. I'm doing better than I was before but I still have a ways to go. What is the worst part about it though is how sneaky you become to hide it from everyone- I became really good at it no one ever knew, they just thought I couldn't keep weight on. when I got down to 94LBS and I'm 5'7" I finally started to wake up. I'm now up to 110LBS but like I said I still have a long way to go not only with gaining back some more weight but also changing the way I think about my body.

 

wow after reading what I just posted it made me sound so much more in control than I actually am. I really did get up to 110LBS but for the past 3 days I went hard core back to my old rortine of fasting, eating pills and chain smoking, exercising . I wanted to be thin again b/c my x-bf is coming up to see me and I have a lot of social events to attend this weekend and I wanted everyone to see me thin. In actuality most people, rob included (thats the x-bf) think I'm way too thin- in reality I know its for me but convincing myself its for everone else just some how in my head makes it more ok to do it. its just so disgusting but its so hard to stop I feel like I can never be too thin.

 

Ok, this isn't meant to encourage your behaviors, because I know sometimes compliments can do that, but I just looked at your gallery and you're fucking CUTE!

I understand what you mean totally though... and 110 at 5'7" is already underweight... I'm 5'7" as well, and I currently weight 120. 118 is considered the lowest weight in the healthy range for our height. I'm obsessive, so I kind of looked into that =/

 

the past couple days ive just been like whatever.. i leave my house early in the morning and dont come back until 9 or 10 and eat NOTHING. i ate a raisin. my family problems are stressing me out so bad and its like food just bothers me now. its like, why even bother. why even BOTHER.

i just want to cry all the time now. i feel so ugly, so numb, just so unnessesary. its not like a i feel unloved, because that would be disrespectful to those who do so much for me, but i just feel like things would be just fine if i wasnt here. i dont feel suicidal, just maybe like a long vacation wouldnt hurt. just go somewhere else and start over. just all new.

this old routine of waking up and fighting with my mom, getting in tiffs with my sister and then just hiding out in my room or leaving is getting so old. i miss my old boyfriend so much. he was my get away. i could escape life with him, even if just for an hour. now i feel like i have nothing.

and all i can think to myself is, if im going to feel this miserable, i mind as well look good doing it.

 

I go see the nutritionist tomorrow... eeek! I know there's nothing to fear, in reality... but I do.

I know it's going to be overwhelming, simply because the mere thought of eating right now is stressful for me, and the whole session is going to be focusing on planning out my meals and discussing food and what not.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I will be pretty drained... blah.