In the beginning stages of my relationship, everything was wonderful. My boyfriend and I would spend countless hours curled up snuggling and spending time with one another. He would often beg me to stay, even though we both knew I had to get up early for class the next morning. About a month or so into our relationship, we began to get into foolish, petty arguements. We have nearly broken up over them on a few occassions. Lately, nothing has been the same. Though we see each other on a daily basis, we never really spend time together. Before I even arrive at his house, he has already spent countless hours on the computer playing games. Later in the evening, his best friend comes over and the go next door to a mutual friend's home. Upon his return, he will spend the rest of the time on the computer, even after I have gone home. We use to have sex nearly two or three times a week. I am now lucky if we have sex more than once. Our foreplay use to be long and drawn out, now, it is quick. In fact, recently, I have done him more favors and he prefers to let me do all of the work. When I try to get him to spend time with me, rather than the computer programs, he tells me that he is busy. His excuse for the lack of sex is that, he doesn't want to have sex all of the time. His best friend is quite secure in the fact that he does not believe my boyfriend is cheating. Besides, his schedule consists of, "Sleep, computer, me coming over, him and his best friend going next door, and computer for the rest of the evening until four in the morning", when would he have time to cheat? When I try to confront him he says, "I do not want to get into this arguement. You know that I love you and let's leave it at that." He claims that I never talk to him about how I feel, yet when I try to, he says that I should either A. Not to worry, B. "This converstation will start an arguement", or C. "I do not want to do this today." He told me recently that, "The honeymoon is over...welcome to the married years." We have only been dating for nearly four months. No more holding hands, no more cuddling, hardly any talking. What can I, if anything, do to salvage this relationship? I really love him, but I fear that he no longer feels the same. Why is spending time with the girl he claims to love, and want to marry and raise a family with one day so difficult for him to do?
Damn, you sound like you're having the kinds of problems that people have after they've been married about 5-10 years. That's kinda sad. I think maybe some kind of counseling would help, because it sounds like you've got serious communication problems. Those are the kinds of problems people have after they've been together for years. He should be glad he's got someone that loves him and wants to share her time with him. I'm sitting here all by my lonely-ass self-if I had only been with somebody for 4 months, you couldn't pry me away from them. Hell, it takes longer than that just to really get to know each other. I sure wish you luck.
Thank you for your response, DQ Veg. I would love to try counseling, but I am well aware that he will refuse. He does not believe that anyone else should be exposed to the problems we face, nor should we be exposed to our friend's personal relationships. Day by day, the situation seems to become more aggrivated. For example, today he was upset as soon as I called him on my break from class. His excuse was that he had not had nicotine all day long. However, when I walked in, he was talking and laughing on the phone with one of his male friends. He made the comment, "Hey, it's my girlfriend", as I walked through the door. He asked if I had bought him any cigarettes and when I responded no, he told me that I should go back out and get them. He refused to come with me and then complained when I made a call to my best friend to meet me and the gas station. During the ride back to his house, best friend in tow, his sister called and asked if I could take her for a pack as well. Instead of dropping them off like I should have, I took her. Well apparently, her mother was looking for her while she was with me. When I came back, he was furious and refused to even speak to me. When I finally got out what we wrong, he claimed that it was my fault that I had picked up his sister and made him walk around for half an hour looking for her. I tried to give him the cigarettes but he refused. I apologized and he said, "Give them to me then, but I will be going next door until you leave tonight." I said fine and threw the pack at him. He told me to go home and we argued for awhile until I stood there, crying on my best friend's shoulder. The little neighborhood kids came over and he talked to them, acting as if nothing was wrong... yet he yelled at me in front of them, belitting me with his words. He finally came home an hour before I had to leave. When I said goodbye to him, he told me that I should have left earlier. I had to nearly beg him to kiss me. When I said I love you before I left, he said, "For the four millionth time, I love you, now leave!" in a haughty tone. I feel as if I am walking on egg shells around him. He has criticized my clothing in the past stating that I was dressed like, "a slut", one particular day. He told me that if I did not change, then he would refuse to see me for the rest of the night because he did not want his girlfriend giving the impression that she was loose. When we broke up for a day (rather, he broke up with me over a petty arguement), I turned to an accquaintance of his for comfort (Looong story). When he decided that we should still be together, I told him about what happened. He would never touch me, but he did put his fist through a wall three times that day, busting his knuckles. In return, he told me that he had to, "fondle and makeout with a friend of mine", as I did. After he did, my friend came out of the room stating that he put his head into the pillow and she fondled him and said, "Now I feel like I just cheated on my girlfriend." He came out of the room, hugged me and said that same thing to me. Apparently, the same day I did this, he had gotten a phone call from one of his ex girlfriends. When he went over, she was naked. She said, "Don't like what you see?" He said he did, but that he could not do it and he took off, leaving her there in her birthday suit. His best friend confirmed that he did not sleep with her. He told me that he did not because he felt guilty, yet, I was to blame for finding comfort in someone elses's arms that night. The last thing that I want to do is end up on Dr. Phil under the, "Controlling boyfriends/husbands", topic. I love him and I do not want to let him go. However, even his parents and various other family members tell me that I should ignore him for a few days and let him see his mistakes.
Not that the average person is going to listen to a stranger giving them advice about their relationship, but I do truly feel you and your lover won't last. Couples do have these problems after years of marriage, but there should be a true feeling in your gut that says this isn't working and it won't. What he's beginning to do is manipulate you. It's seems to be a common thing that people tend to slowly grasp control over little things at first, like doing them a favor, chores, etc. Now he's beginning to slowly critize you and make you pliable to what he demands. Criticizing your clothing? Telling you to change your clothes or he won't see you, doesn't that seem odd? Does that really seem like someone who loves you would do? Now he's really got you reeled in, he's quickly destroying your self-esteem, and now you're desparately looking for his approval. I think you're trying so hard to change him and turn him into this kind man. I think you're perhaps in love with the man he could be rather than the man he is. Of course he was different in the beginning--would you really have stood for any of this as a first impression? Probably not. If he's like this four months into your relationship--what do you think he'll be like if you marry him? Sooner or later, he could slip and hit you instead of that wall. He's probably conflicted with a lot of rage from childhood if he's punching in a wall because he's angry at you. How long do you think it'll be until he hits you instead of a wall? Getting a relationship counselor isn't going to solve your relationship prospers. What it sounds like is that HE needs help. I really hope you're not blaming yourself for where this relationship is going, because it really does sound like it's him. And it's good that you tried to communicate your feelings with conversation towards him. However, the excuses he gives you, such as "I don't want to talk about this," "You're being silly," means that he doesn't take you seriously. He knows that he has you under his control, and sadly, it sounds like he does. You're in love, but sometimes love isn't enough. You're being abused, and sooner or later, it'll lead to physical abuse as well. You need a man who will treat you good, who'll love you and not call you derogative names. Don't trick yourself by being in love with who he used to be or what he could be, you need to really look at the relationship through an outside perspective. Would you really be writing about this to a bunch of strangers if you didn't truly feel tired of this? I really hope you end it, because he needs to help himself before he can help the relationship. You shouldn't have to constantly fear your lover and look for his constant approval. And belittling you in front of a group of children? Only more proof that he has no respect for you. Ask yourself this, "can I do better?" And do you honestly feel that you can? Most likely you can but won't think that for much longer if his verbal abuse continues. When people tell you the same thing everyday, you will eventually accept to believe that what they tell you is so. This relationship is only a downward spiral, and I really hope a stranger's advice helps you realize some of this.
You know, to me this sounds like neither abuse nor manipulation-it just sounds to me like he simply doesn't give a damn about you. To ignore you and find that little time for you after being together for such a short peiod of time, should be a pretty good indication that he just doesn't give a rat's ass. Also, the business of both of you turning to another person for sexual attention as soon as you have an argument indicates to me that you're not that attached to each other in the first place. And, I think people throw the phrase "I love you" around way too casually today until it almost has no meaning. I think if you two really 'loved' each other, the last thing you'd want to do is hop in the sack with someone else as soon as you have an argument with each other-instead you'd be working at resolving whatever problem caused the argument in the first place, and making your relationship stronger. That's just my two cents.
There's a book called, "Why men love bitches" It was great. It taught me how to make men beg for you. If Women get so caught up in worrying about their man, then their man will use this as a power. This book could help you. It teaches you to put yourself first. If you beleive in counseling as you said, then you would like this self-improvement book. After reading this book, you will learn that he probably doesn't truly love you.
Well, I don't love bitches-as far as I'm concerned they can hit the road. Maybe some guys do, but not me. Besides, if a man really loves you (and vice-versa) he'll show you, put you first, and make it clear to you that he wants you to be happy. And I wouldn't be with a woman that didn't feel the same way about me. Real love isn't about playing games-it's about honesty and mutuality.
