im so afraid to touch my own clit

Well, I hope it will work for you, however, I'm not sure I personally could consider such medication to be an ideal method for your situation. From what I've seen so far from your posts, you seem to show more anger, bitterness, and frustration, than a positive attitude toward sex/sexuality, and I personally think you should really deal with such emotions before you even think of trying out meds such as viagra(or kamagra, as you've mentioned).

I think BigKing's hypnotic regression idea might work better for you than medication since I get the impression that your situation is a psychologically induced one rather than the physical counterpart. I personally think you should first become more comfortable with the idea of becoming hypnotized for the psychological health purposes, and I would say discussing the matter with your psychologist/counsellor in depth would help greatly. I think it would help you find a good hypnotist with whom you could be comfortable with, who has been regarded highly among psychologists and other doctors alike.

That's just one step I would suggest, but that's just me. Good luck!

 

i have as i said seriously considered that treatment, but i isnt as easy as you would think to get it here in the uk. i havent given up, but as the pills are on the way in the post then its worth a try what have i got to loose? nothing but everything to gain, so to me its worth a sort. i have made appointment to see obgyn but will have to wait and see as there are long waiting lists here in the uk for medical treatment. bloody nhs!!!!

 

Firstly i'll second that 'Bloody NHS' (lol), and then go on to say about the 'British Society of Clinical Hypnosis', the link to ther website is -

http://www.bsch.org.uk/

U can search for 'registered hypnotherapist' in your area or research for one you think would help you the most and fined out where in the UK they practice. Of those i've met they seem to be really nice healpful people.

 

Dark Angel,

Hi, I live in the UK too!

First of all, I'm sorry to read about your problem. Not so much sorry that you're not getting any feeling down there, but sorry about the upset it is causing you.

Dark Angel, please, please stop worrying about "wasting your husband's time" or "feeling useless". Don't be so silly! The first thing I thought when I read about your problem was "wow, what a dream girlfriend". The idea of being able to give a woman a pleasure she's never had before is very appealing. It's also very exciting to explore new things together, that's all part of being intimate. I don't think your husband will mind at all that you're not getting anything out of what he's doing. If he cares enough to want to give you pleasure, then he will care enough to have the patience and understanding.

Everyone's Different
I wouldn't really call this a "problem" anyway because if you've never had any sensation down there then it's not as if you've lost anything. To use an analogy, I've never enjoyed being drunk, but I don't consider it a big problem. I just don't bother drinking. Everyone's different. It could be that you physically aren't as responsive to stimulation as most people (like the clitorial equivalent to impaired sight). However, in my opinion, I think it's way more likely to be psychological.

Psychological
By "psychological", I don't mean you've suffered some kind of horrible abuse which has made you hate your body. What I mean is that sexual stimulation is not purely a physical sensation. No way is it purely physical! If I reach down now and rub the end of my cock, I don't necessarily feel pleasure. I just feel a feeling. That feeling only really becomes pleasure when my mind is in the right frame of mind and I'm thinking sexy thoughts. Similarly, some people take sexual pleasure from anal sex, but they don't from having a shit. The key difference is the psychology. Another example is rape: if rubbing a woman's clitoris gave her pleasure without any psychology needed, then women would physically enjoy the feeling of being raped! Obviously that's not the case.

So, yeah, I think this is probably psychological. I'm not just saying you need to start enjoying it, because it's way more complicated than that! But you definitely need to get in the right frame of mind. At 41, it will probably be very difficult for you to change the way your body responds to genital stimulation, because most people develop these kinds of mechanisms at a much earlier age. It is a mechanism I guess. For me, I think about a woman, that triggers something, I touch myself, something else happens, it's all a biological process to do with blood and the brain etc. that I don't understand, but it's a mechanism, and I suspect you need to 'learn' the mechanism.

A good starting point
The only advice I can think of is... (and take my advice with a pinch of salt as I have no qualifications!) I would say start with what does turn you on. Start out with what you enjoy, what you get kicks out of, whether that is a fantasy in your head, giving a blowjob, rubbing your nipples, a special negligee, french kissing, perfume, candles... whatever it is that definitely does work. Start there. Bring it all together at once in a way that makes you feel as sexy as you can possibly feel, and then at the same time as all this, ask your guy to rub or lick your clit. My theory here is that things that don't normally seem sexy can turn sexy when you're extremely turned on. (For example, most people don't really want anything put up their ass, but when they get really turned on, that can change!)

Talk!
I don't know how you feel about talking dirty, but if you can actually talk about it, in a dirty way, that might help to get the psychological mechanism working. The rubbing itself may be boring, but if you start talking about something then there's more psychology involved and this could get things working. If you prefer to be dominant, you could demand that he licks your clit, or if you prefer him to be dominant, you could get him to 'take advantage' of your clit and you pretend to resist! I dunno, that part's up to you, but I think if you can talk, and keep it playful, that will really help.
It'll do things in your brain.

Tease!
Another definite thing to try is to get your bloke to tie you up and blindfold you, spread your legs and tease you gently. He could lick you... Or not. He could kiss you... Or not. He might just breathe on it. Where's he going to go next? Is he still there? What's that feeling? Is that his...? (You get the idea! Teasing can be very psychologically powerful!)

Attitude
I'd say it's psychology psychology psychology all the way. The attitude you have towards your own clitoris is very important. It may help if you stop thinking of your clitoris as 'something that isn't working' and start thinking of it as 'a hidden pleasure yet to be discovered'. Instead of your clitoris being a 'required' part of lovemaking, think of it as a 'taboo' or something 'naughty'. Sex has to be dirty or it just doesn't work!

Like I say, it may not be easy to change your sexual mechanisms at this age, and if you do it probably won't be overnight... it will be gradual. If, after lots of experimentation, you feel even slightly more turned on by having your clitoris rubbed, then that's a small step in the right direction, and the feeling will grow in time.

I don't personally think that drugs are the answer for something like this. God gave us all the equipment we need to have great sex. If something doesn't work for you that doesn't mean you're not working properly... it just means it's not your thing.

I have never actually had an orgasm during sex. I can finish off myself, but for some reason I just can't seem to cum when my dick is inside a woman. So am I broken? Nah, I'm fine with it. That's just the way I am.

I hope something I've said is of some use to you Dark Angel, and I hope I haven't not been patronising. This is all just guesswork on my part! But the main thing is do not worry about this. Your hubby should be having great fun trying to get you off, no matter how long it goes on for! I could spend my entire married life trying and still be happy if it never worked.

But if it doesn't work, so what? Just concentrate on the things you do enjoy. There is no such thing as 'normal' when it comes to sex. The Internet proves that!

Love,
Dizzy Man

 

A good starting point
The only advice I can think of is... (and take my advice with a pinch of salt as I have no qualifications!) I would say start with what does turn you on. Start out with what you enjoy, what you get kicks out of, whether that is a fantasy in your head, giving a blowjob, rubbing your nipples, a special negligee, french kissing, perfume, candles... whatever it is that definitely does work. Start there. Bring it all together at once in a way that makes you feel as sexy as you can possibly feel, and then at the same time as all this, ask your guy to rub or lick your clit. My theory here is that things that don't normally seem sexy can turn sexy when you're extremely turned on. (For example, most people don't really want anything put up their ass, but when they get really turned on, that can change!)

well i havent got a clue as to what actually turns me on or what i find sexy, but to actually ask him to rub or lick me is just beyond me, i cant do it!

Talk!
I don't know how you feel about talking dirty, but if you can actually talk about it, in a dirty way, that might help to get the psychological mechanism working. The rubbing itself may be boring, but if you start talking about something then there's more psychology involved and this could get things working. If you prefer to be dominant, you could demand that he licks your clit, or if you prefer him to be dominant, you could get him to 'take advantage' of your clit and you pretend to resist! I dunno, that part's up to you, but I think if you can talk, and keep it playful, that will really help.
It'll do things in your brain.

i cant talk dirty if my life depended on it, i havent a clue as to what to say or do and it just sounds so rediculous for me to even try it.

Tease!
Another definite thing to try is to get your bloke to tie you up and blindfold you, spread your legs and tease you gently. He could lick you... Or not. He could kiss you... Or not. He might just breathe on it. Where's he going to go next? Is he still there? What's that feeling? Is that his...? (You get the idea! Teasing can be very psychologically powerful!)

he has tried all that a few times before, but i have a big deal with being ties up, i really freak out, and have huge panic attacks about it/

Attitude
I'd say it's psychology psychology psychology all the way. The attitude you have towards your own clitoris is very important. It may help if you stop thinking of your clitoris as 'something that isn't working' and start thinking of it as 'a hidden pleasure yet to be discovered'. Instead of your clitoris being a 'required' part of lovemaking, think of it as a 'taboo' or something 'naughty'. Sex has to be dirty or it just doesn't work!

but for a female i understood that for her to have an orgasm that the clit was a required part, just a a dick is required for the men?

 

Seems like there's a bigger issue than just your clit here. By the sound of it, you don't seem very highly sexed. Are you ever turned on much during sex or is this something you're doing more for your hubby's sake? You obviously want to get turned on (this thread is a cry for help after all) but at the same time you' don't really seem to be 'into' anything. So your problem is finding motivation and finding a way to get the most out of it for you. That's really hard to advise! Especially as I don't really understand how your mind is working.

Do you ever fantasise? Do you ever wish your hubby would do something? Is there anything he does that you wish he'd spend more time doing? Or do you just simply let him get on with it, with no real preference of your own?

Well, okay. Not everyone enjoys that, but if you'd like to do it then you don't have to feel uncomfortable. A good way to start is to ask him "would it turn you on if I taked dirty?". If he seems interested then you know you can actually do it without being embarassed because he will be getting off on it. And I have to say most men do like it when women talk dirty! But it depends on the relationship I guess.

How about you think long and hard about something you would like your hubby to do to you. Then wait until the next time you know he's up for it and whisper it in his ear quietly. You could build up the whispering over time so that you end up saying it out loud, or even screaming it

Another idea is to text him dirty texts. Surely you can't have a problem with that because you're writing quite openly on here -- so just text him something rude, and see how he responds and if it goes down well this will be the perfect opportunity to talk about it. One day you could ask him if he got your 'dirty text' (but actually don't send him one) and then when he says no, you say 'oh, it mustn't have sent properly'. By this point he will probably be interested to know what the text said, so you can just say what you like then. I think this would make it easier to say, because you're basically quoting something, even though it's your own words!

From everything you've said it seems to me like you are a little lacking in confidence, or self-esteem. If this is the case then this could be a large part of the problem. If you devalue yourself, or your own sex appeal then you will end up being shy and not wanting to experiment and open up. The thing is to remember that your hubby chose you and he obviously fancies you and you obviously turn him on, so even if you're no a supermodel, when you're in bed with him, at that moment, to him, you are the hottest girl in the world, and you should have all the confidence in the world. And believe me if you really have confidence in yourself and know that you are sexy (in the bedroom) that will really make you even more attractive.

Ok, fair enough. My ex had the same hangup! Again, this makes it sound to me like you really need to break down some barriers between the two of you, and open up the communication, because that will lead to more trust. Please don't think I'm trying to 'create problems where there are none' here. I'm just speculating on possible problems, in case I happen to be right. I hope you and your hubby are very close, but if not then that may be a more fundamental problem than the sex.

Just out of interest, is your husband the first long-term relatoinship you've had? I ask because you're asking questions about your clitoris at the age of 41, whereas I would have thought you'd had plenty of experience with that before now.

Oh, actually that's not strictly true. By and large, the clitoris is the part that will give you an orgasm - most women only orgasm when the clitoris is being stimulated to some degree (even if it's just from the man's cock rubbing against it while they're fucking). But some women don't need clitorial stimulation to orgasm. The part of the clitoris you see is actually just the 'tip of the iceberg' so to speak, and the clitoris extends down inside your body, so when a man is fucking your vagina that is actually stimulating your clitoris to some extent, which can give you an orgasm. And some women can orgasm just from rubbing their nipples, or even from giving birth! So generally, yeah, if you want an orgasm you need to involve the clitoris, but women are very sensitive so it is possible to get there without it.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkangel
well i havent got a clue as to what actually turns me on or what i find sexy

Seems like there's a bigger issue than just your clit here. By the sound of it, you don't seem very highly sexed. Are you ever turned on much during sex or is this something you're doing more for your hubby's sake? You obviously want to get turned on (this thread is a cry for help after all) but at the same time you' don't really seem to be 'into' anything. So your problem is finding motivation and finding a way to get the most out of it for you. That's really hard to advise! Especially as I don't really understand how your mind is working.

Do you ever fantasise? Do you ever wish your hubby would do something? Is there anything he does that you wish he'd spend more time doing? Or do you just simply let him get on with it, with no real preference of your own?

no i dont know how to fantasise!!!! yes there are things i wish he would do, but he ends up doing his own thing after a short while as he gets so into his own feelings that mine are forgotten about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkangel
...to actually ask him to rub or lick me is just beyond me, i cant do it! i cant talk dirty if my life depended on it, i havent a clue as to what to say or do and it just sounds so rediculous for me to even try it.

Well, okay. Not everyone enjoys that, but if you'd like to do it then you don't have to feel uncomfortable. A good way to start is to ask him "would it turn you on if I taked dirty?". If he seems interested then you know you can actually do it without being embarassed because he will be getting off on it. And I have to say most men do like it when women talk dirty! But it depends on the relationship I guess.

How about you think long and hard about something you would like your hubby to do to you. Then wait until the next time you know he's up for it and whisper it in his ear quietly. You could build up the whispering over time so that you end up saying it out loud, or even screaming it

trouble is hes half deaf!! i know it seems like an excuse but if it takes all your effort to say something then they go "did you say something?" then you tend not to say again.

Another idea is to text him dirty texts. Surely you can't have a problem with that because you're writing quite openly on here -- so just text him something rude, and see how he responds and if it goes down well this will be the perfect opportunity to talk about it. One day you could ask him if he got your 'dirty text' (but actually don't send him one) and then when he says no, you say 'oh, it mustn't have sent properly'. By this point he will probably be interested to know what the text said, so you can just say what you like then. I think this would make it easier to say, because you're basically quoting something, even though it's your own words!

although we both have mobile phones as he works in a chemical plant all day then its immpossible to get hold of him or even send a text as the phones have to be switched off.

From everything you've said it seems to me like you are a little lacking in confidence, or self-esteem. If this is the case then this could be a large part of the problem. If you devalue yourself, or your own sex appeal then you will end up being shy and not wanting to experiment and open up. The thing is to remember that your hubby chose you and he obviously fancies you and you obviously turn him on, so even if you're no a supermodel, when you're in bed with him, at that moment, to him, you are the hottest girl in the world, and you should have all the confidence in the world. And believe me if you really have confidence in yourself and know that you are sexy (in the bedroom) that will really make you even more attractive.


Quote:
Originally Posted by darkangel
i have a big deal with being ties up, i really freak out, and have huge panic attacks about it

Ok, fair enough. My ex had the same hangup! Again, this makes it sound to me like you really need to break down some barriers between the two of you, and open up the communication, because that will lead to more trust. Please don't think I'm trying to 'create problems where there are none' here. I'm just speculating on possible problems, in case I happen to be right. I hope you and your hubby are very close, but if not then that may be a more fundamental problem than the sex.

Just out of interest, is your husband the first long-term relatoinship you've had? I ask because you're asking questions about your clitoris at the age of 41, whereas I would have thought you'd had plenty of experience with that before now.

hubby is the one and only man i have ever had including boyfriends.so no i havent had any experience of it before, i didnt even know where it was never mind what it was or could do!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkangel
but for a female i understood that for her to have an orgasm that the clit was a required part, just a a dick is required for the men?

Oh, actually that's not strictly true. By and large, the clitoris is the part that will give you an orgasm - most women only orgasm when the clitoris is being stimulated to some degree (even if it's just from the man's cock rubbing against it while they're fucking). But some women don't need clitorial stimulation to orgasm. The part of the clitoris you see is actually just the 'tip of the iceberg' so to speak, and the clitoris extends down inside your body, so when a man is fucking your vagina that is actually stimulating your clitoris to some extent, which can give you an orgasm. And some women can orgasm just from rubbing their nipples, or even from giving birth! So generally, yeah, if you want an orgasm you need to involve the clitoris, but women are very sensitive so it is possible to get there without it.

trouble is even when he is fucking me, what ever position it makes no contact at all anywhere, you could park a bus in the gap between us!!!
__________________

 

Big King, you're so informative! if only more guys knew all that too

 

It's actually kind of selfish, because turning a girl on that much is what turns me on the most (ooooh the feeling of power lol), hearing all the moaning and shouting, feeling her tense, hands grabbing at the sheet's, sweat and cum mixing to form a sweet glistening sheen on her skin.........I’m gunna stop now lol.
So yeah although I’m pretty sure it works out well for me and whoever I’m with, my motives in learning/practicing all this stuff aren’t totally unselfish. And I’m by no means a master yet, iv still got a lot to learn, I’m only 19 and there are people out there older and wiser (and with considerably more experience) than me. But I’m willing to learn from whoever is prepared to teach me, which I hope holds me in good stead for the future.

(If it were up to me sex education in schools, would be a little more in depth with the pissibility of continueing studdying after you leave. which would i hope stop alot of young guys being bummbling fools, or assholes)

p.s. i am working on some new stuff for you 'darkangel', just taking a bit of time to get all the research done.

 

This is exactly how I feel about current sex ed. Young men need formal education on how to pleasure women. All too often boy and girl will be together, he has no idea on what to do with a woman. He's really horny but he failed to turned her on so he resorts to rape.

OR

They have sex which is abrupt, brief and very unsatisfactory for the girl. The boy has complete disregard for the girl and the girl ends up bored with sex. She then turns down future advances. The boy gets frustrated and ends up raping her.

Yes, I'm saying that if boys knew enough about courtship and foreplay they wouldn't resort to rape to get laid.

I came to the sex forums in the first place cos schools are not doing their jobs imho. Sex ed should be more than physical sexual health but should also inlcude social and emotional well-being.

 

sex ed in the uk consists of taking the girls into one class and the boys into another, we girls are told about periods and what it takes to become pregnant and how to stop it happenning, and thats it!!!

god knows what the boys are taught cause they seem more interested in what we where told!!!

but i do agree it need to be much better, with a lot more info on how to actually make love instead of it being relied on as it is now of being something that they will pick up on, what happens to all the unhappy times that it takes before then? all the girls that get the wrong messages aswell as the lads attempts leaving so much to be desired??

 

Sorry guys but I strongly disagree; I don't think we need more sex education in schools!

Sure, educate kids on the "science part" by all means. Sex is an important part of any biology class. But biology aside, sex is entirely a social issue, and it is also a lifestyle choice. Complex social issues and lifestyle choices such as sex, dating, marriage, friendships, moral values , etc. are all issues that people learn from their experiences in life, guided by their family and friends, and — for anyone who's interested in a subject — from reading. They are not something you can 'learn' at school.

Part of the problem is that there is no 'right' or 'wrong'. There are no laws, rules or regulations on what sex is or should be about; every culture is different and every person is different and should not have someone else's values thrust down their throats in a classroom.

As for the issue of 'pleasuring', this definitely is not something that should be taught in a classroom. Teaching someone how to have fun is not education! If you're going to give 'sex tips' lessons, why not have lessons on 'skateboarding techniques', or 'how to get the best out of your Nintendo'?

Besides all of which, learning about sex first-hand is fun! If the school told you everything you ever needed to know before you'd ever had sex, that'd be like someone standing outside the cinema telling you what was going to happen in the film you were queuing for!

I think it's fair to say that the vast majority of people who have sex are not just interested in their own pleasure — we're also interested in giving pleasure to our partner. And so we try to learn and improve our techniques in bed, just as we try to learn and improve the relationship outside of bed.

Yes, there will always be those people who have no interest in giving others pleasure, and that is a shame. But is not the job of schools to fill their heads with 'sex tips' in the hope that it will make them a more selfless and considerate person; no more than it is the job of the schools to tell them how much money to give to charity or telling them how old they should be before they should get married. These issues are all too personal, and too social to be considered education.

Liquana, I really don't think a lack of sex tips can lead to rape, under any circumstances. If a man cared enough to want to please his girlfriend, it defies all logic that he would then rape her. It also seems very unlikely to me that a woman would be completely put off sex just because she had one boyfriend that was too impatient with her, and that her future boyfriends would go out raping women because they couldn't get it from her!

 

poor sex education makes men frustrated and makes them rape their dates?

ummmm
wtf?

No, really, wtf?

Yes, more sex education is awesome. But it's not gonna stop a rapist from raping someone, it's just gonna make 'em smart enough to use a condom so dna can't be used (and prevent std's at least). Not turning your partner on is, yes, very frustrating. But it doesn't make folks resort to rape.

 

the point that i was making was that it has took 41 years to find out that the part called a clit, which i knew i had but hadnt a clue as to where or what it was for/did could be better explained to kids both male and female, then they wouldnt be in the situation that i find myself in.

where else would you find that info out then if not in school? cause so far i hadnt found it before now

 

You have a point there, Dark Angel.

Thinking about it, information about intimate sexual matters is not as easy to come by as most things because people don't share it as openly. So if you do want to learn about these things, you have to go out of your way to get it. Saying that though, it's not that difficult. There are loads of books about sex (for anyone who doesn't have the Internet)!

I think in your case sex has not been something you've ever needed to know about, so now it's like you're in the position of a naive teenager as it's all new to you. But trust me, I think most sexually active people know where the clitoris is, especially anyone with an interest in pleasing his partner.

Personally, I knew where the clitoris was when I was 8 because my parents had a book on sex. For a curious 8-year-old with a lot of questions about sex and masturbation, the book was extremely informative and set me in good stead. I definitely think all kids should be given books on sex, and then they can read them if and when they want to. Same goes for a lot of subjects. When I have a kid, I will be sure to give them a large collection of books on a range of social issues. (Should help a bit.)

 

I was actually thinking more along the lines on in depth anatomy (i.e. actually telling kids what everything is and dose not just, this is a penis and this is a vagina, now wash out your eye's with caustic soda and a scrubbing brush) and also talking about emotions, and the different reactions both men and women can have. That said I’m all for sex classes l8er on in life, and once the kids hit about 14-15 I’d start throwing condoms at them as they left school lol .

 

I never mentioned future relationships, I was discussing in the context of the current relationship cos obviously a different man is gonna have a different touch and a new relationship often revives sexual desire anyhow. And I’m also taking about him raping his date, not other women, I can see I wasn’t clear on that.

Anyways I was not completely serious about my proposal but it was something I wanted to start a discussion on. I still due want to discuss it but not at the risk of hijacking this thread. I will try to open a new thread with this topic but I usu. don't open new threads... but maybe one of these days...

anyways, look forward to a new thread on this.

 

Go on... open a new thread! I love making new threads and I never understand why people don't like doing it!?

 

Hear i go againe, just a quick one though sory.

'Nip it in the bud technique' -

First things first, take your cloths off lol (and put a little lube on your clit). Get him to go down between your legs like in some of the other techniques I’ve mentioned. Now he’s gota spread your labia open with the thumb and for finger of his left hand, and then place the thumb and fore finger of his rite hand on either side of the hood of you clit holding as much of it as he can. I tend to use half inch movements in a direction up towards the stomach and then down towards the vagina. When he’s doing this he should be able to feel the length of the clit slide up and down underneath the hood of the clit.

There are a couple more variations on this, one is to move the thumb and fore finger in different directions, this usually feel’s great when alternated with the first technique, or as a prelude to the following version to warm things up. This last one is a bit more uuum shall we say aggressive (don’t worry lol), get your man to press his thumb and finger down hard(ish) to get a hold of as much of the clit’s hood as possible, so when your really turned on get him to pull up on the hood of your clit (away from your body), then push down (towards the body), this should feel almost like you have a little cock and he’s jacking you off and obviously it’ll feel bloody good.

Enjoy

(I'm sill bringing the other things together for you 'darkangel', it's bloody tireing)