Need mature advice from men or women (long post)

Hi all,

Before I start I'd like to explain that my gf has always been one of the best looking girls around where ever we've been - the type of girl to turn heads in the street and who can get free drinks all night long in any club - if you know what I mean. This is not especially important other than to say that I am NOT amazingly good looking like that and some of my insecurities might stem from the fact that she, seemingly, could have any man she wanted to very quickly.

I've been with my gf since we just turned 17, we went to school together and then to university together then we went to different places for out Masters courses and did the long distance thing but visted each other every two weeks for that time. Now, since January, we've moved into a flat together.

When we first started going out the sex we had was not brilliant - but then we were both 17 with limited experience. Around the time of her 18th birthday I asked her about it and she said that she had only cum a few times. From then on, our sex life became great - she was very sexual and it was as if every part of her body was alive - just touching her knee could illicit a degree of satisfaction - I'm sure I remember her cumming once or twice just from rubbing her nipples. She came frequently and I'd always try to make her cum before we had sex (with fingers or tongue) and invariably she'd cum again during the sex. I'd say we had sex on average about twice a night and sometimes for 7 nights a week. During the year we spent "long distance" the sex was intensified and raw - and arguably the best sex we've ever had together.

Then last year after we'd finished our studied she got a good job in London annd we moved in togther. My fear over this was, at that time, that it'd ruin our sex life. Now - fairly early on in this new place - she developed a lump on her breast and of course feared the worst. Together with the fact that we were living in a horrible place in a not very nice part of London and that her job was new, this was a VERY stressful time for her. The trouble was that we were having very little sex and I'd been used to having much, much more. We had a few blazing rows over it and she claimed I was insensative and horrible, which, in truth, I was at times. However - it proved to be nothing - and we moved back home within 3 months.

Then we had November and Christmas and now we've moved into another flat. And things still aren't right. I work from 9 till 5, Monday to Friday she works either from 4 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon (which means she goes to bed at 8) or from 2 in the afternoon untill 10 at night - on top of that, one weekend in three she works from 9 until 9. This invariably means that MANY nights of the week she's tired.

But the situation is worse than that - it has made me incredibly anxious, if we go a few days without sex I start getting all sorts of thoughts. I get angry with himself and with her... and it's made me say some nasty things to her - like I called her "frigid" a few times and also "cold fish" once. Around a month ago I sent her an email explaining lots of these sorts of things. She said that she was of the belief that although most women don't climax through penetrative sex 95% of the time that she should be entitled to climax EVERYTIME we do anything (if not through sex then through clitorial stimulation) and because this hasn't been happening she's been getting a bit fed up. I sent her one back saying that that's all well and good to say that but she has to help me, as I don't know exactly what to do - she's never been easy about communicating over sex and this is a key issue. Since then things haven't really got better - she's not been reacting to my advances and almost never initiates sex herself. This has not only made me frustrated at the lack of action (only about 2 times a week) but also with the low quality of what has been going on when we do do things. I've been getting angry with myself about it and feeling unloved and inadequate... and it has made me moody and abusive at times. And it has also manifested itself in a few strange ways - when we do do things I am thinking about what I'm doing far too much and not enjoying it and she's not enjoying it - I don't think I've made her cum for over a month and on top of that, I seem to be cumming very very quickly when I penetrate her (say - 2-4 minutes!!).

A few days ago - I decided to confront the issue again. This time she told me that she's not wanted to come near me because I've been nasty to her and also that my obsession over this issue has killed the moment... she said that the other day she was about to come in to our room to do things with me but as she was about to, I started an argument over why we haven't been doing things together. She also said that she thinks there is a time and a place for sex... I argued that that would invariably mean just the weekend but she disagreed and said that the mood and atmosphere hasn't been right.

So it seems to me that we are saying contradictory things - her that my moods over this have turned her off and me that the lack of action has made me moody. Anyway - seeing that my behaviour has been part of the problem I've promised to stop bringing it up all the time as a start. Now, one things she said interested me, she said, "don't expect miracles".

Now what does that mean? This has caused me much grief recently and I want to have our old sex life back. She's argued that my complaints are mostly down to insecurity but I'd argue and have argued that there is a genuine NEED for more sex - i.e at least 5 times a week or more. I can't remember the last time we did it more than once in a day or night.

Now I've told her in no uncertain terms that this relationship will be over if this issue is not sorted out, I wont stay in a relationship that isn't firing on all cylinders. The trouble is that these problems seem terminal... I'm finding it very hard to hold my tongue over this. And she has a serious hang up about getting into the nitty-gritty details of sex and therefore I've got more or less no feedback on what I'm doing right and wrong which to my mind is a lack of communication. So... what to do?

 

Alot of couples go through this. It is just life has interfered with you both. Your comments although a normal reaction have also added to the problem. What you need to do is step back for a moment and relax. If you have the means take her out for some yes multiple getaways. They can be as simple as a drive to the country for a suprise picnic or an overnight someplace. DOnt do it to get laid, do it becuase you love her, you have made her feel that sex is the only thing you want her for, a piece of ass. If you love her, put forth the effort to let her know, words dont cut it, make her feel like she is your world, that leaving her is not in your mind. You are treating her through your comments like she has to put out or else. How would you like it if she came to you and said buy me a house or else?

I understand that you are fustrated and maybe blame yourself ect but woman have gifts not just one, they can listen, they care, they feel. Men tend to be actions and woman tend to be feelings.

You need to seriously apologize to her, dont ask her what she needs in bed if it bothers her to talk about it, buy a book, ask for advice but hit them spots yourself but not in some lame ass way, little things for no reason trip thier triggers if it is from the heart.

She has grown to a new person after school and the job, yo have too just you both failed to see it, either you work with it, better it or you will loose her. Ask yourself is life without her an option or not, if it is, then you dont love her enough to make it work. Thats not a crime just happens.

An example, a very good friend of mine who is older than I, dated and married a kinda geeky blonde girl, glasses, no makeup ect but she was very sweet. Her parents were fucked up ect. Anyway, he put her through school, she got contacts, did her hair better, makeup ect and whoa, the bitch was FINE! Well sex became less because she was a busy professional woman in a Chiropratic office, and well to make a long story short, she grew, she became another person and no longer enjoyed the life she had once before. Its a bad thing but it happens, no crime on eithers part, it happens.

 

^^^ That's more or less what I would have said.

Nomad.. ALWAYS quality communication before quantity sex, mate!

Best of luck to you guys!

 

seems like stress destroys her libido, but makes yours go nuts. Can be a little difficult to manage...

Back off. Give her some time to feel safe and loved by you again. Pay her compliments, do sweet little things for her to try and build back the relationship - she'll try and do things of a similar nature too probably. Build a romantic mood when you really want some sex, like cook her dinner and eat by candlelight. Even little things like that are terribly romantic to most women.

Watch your words too, because calling her frigid, cold, uncaring and the like are not gonna make her want to fuck you. No way in hell that'd make her want to have sex with you, that just makes her want to withdraw and prove you right.