my family has been through a lot in the past year or 2... first it started with my mom's drinking problem becoming really obvious and impossible to ignore, then we lost our house, and right after that my mom's drinking got waaayy worse which i didnt think was possible, but i swear she was drunk for almost the entire month of december, with maybe 3 random days that she only had like 3 glasses of wine rather than the whole box... so as she drank even more, my dad became as bad as she was before for a while, hes not as bad now... but it got to a point where my mother would drink the hard stuff and become really mean towards me and only me, calling me a **** saying the whole family hates me etc, and then she'd start fighting me... as this started happening more often i thought that although i could easily get through the next few years until i graduate and move, but then i thought that i should do something about it because my sister is only 2 and i figured things would be way worse by the time she got old enough to start taking the punches and i wouldn't be around anymore... so i went to the school.. they pretty much gave my parents a warning.. and you'd think this would make things a little better at least for a few weeks, but the tension it caused made things worse. My dad, who never hit us before began to smack me and my brother around whenever he felt like it, saying if he was going to be accused of it then he should do it... and my mom is still an idiot. She's sober tonight after a 3 day tequila binge along with the pills that the dentist gave her.. idk why the dentist still gives her pills after 4 years... he must know whats going on by now... basically its just too much tension b/c one parent doesn't make enough money and the other drinks too much so the fights are endless. so thats the background story. heres where i need advice: 1. how do i talk to my mom about asking her to go to rehab?? 2. what do i do when i walk down the stairs and she comes at me swinging but i cant understand what she's saying b/c shes slurring so badly? 3. what do i do when my dad drinks with her which is like every few weeks and they begin to beat the crap out of each other?? don't say call the cops im looking for real advice here. 4. What do i say to my 12 year old brother when he witnesses my mom burn my dad wiht a cigarrette or when he sees my dad punch my mom in the head??
seriously that sounds awful but that can be alcohol addiction but you... i say dont hate the person, hate the addiction and what it seems like your mom needs is rehab.... maybe you could talk to your dad about the best way of convincing your mom to go?
wow go to the school again, call cps. That is horrible you should not be in that house it is going to damage you for life. Do you have any relatives you can live with. Placement is better than that you don't deserve to be called names like that you are 16 and there is nothing you could possibley do to deserve that. I am really sorry that you or anyone has to go through this, life shouldn't be that way. I hope your parents get the help they need and you and your siblings have another place to go to in the process. lots of love
I'm at work and just trying to throw my two cents in really quick without getting fired here. Cops never worked in my house when that was going on either, often they made the situation worse. I'm sorry you are going through this. Honestly, what I did when I was growing up is I stayed away from the house as much as possible. I played a lot of sports for school, so I just stayed busy with that, so I didn't have to go home until late and then I just did my homework and went to sleep. You are 16 and it is unfortunate, but it is almost time where you can move out on your own. It is sad that you will have to try to get by without your parents when it seems like everyone else has them for support, but sometimes that is the life we are dealt. You have to try to make the best of it. Otherwise it will get the best of you and you don't want that to happen. Here is my honest advice. Get really really good grades in school. And do community service if you can't/don't play sports. Take college prep or AP classes. Talk to your school counselor now about getting into any college ANY COLLEGE! And about getting financial aid and work study programs. Don't listen to your parents when they tell you crap. You know it is crap. You are smart. As far as a younger sibling, that is hard. I have a younger sister myself and my entire life I spent it protecting her from my dad (he was the abusive drunk in my house). I did a good job, she didn't have to endure half the shit I went through and she turned out great. She's an accountant with lots of money and a nice boyfriend. Seems really well adjusted. I suggest for your little brother, to get another family member to step in and take care of him. Be as strong as you can, as a 16 year old, but know that you yourself are still only a child (and treasure that, please, I speak from experience). If there is no family member maybe he has a close friend who's family might be able to help, or someone in a local church. My sisters friend's family was always there for us. We showed up on their steps a few times in the middle of the night when my dad would be smashing the house up. Oh yeah, and you can't make your parents stop drinking. You can tell her to go to rehab until you are blue in the face, but for the most part it is a waste of time. My dad went to so many different programs every time I called the cops on him. I think they made him worse. Gave him other connections for drugs and showed him that there are lots of people out there like him so he must not be so bad. Crappy rehab if you ask me. But if your mom isn't ready to go or doesn't want to be sober, you telling her isn't going to work. Mention it maybe, if she is ever sober enough to understand you, but constantly bugging her about it will make her hate it even more. At least that has been my experience. Oh and PM me any time at all that you want to talk some more or if you need any other help at all. Or email me at cutelildeadbear@yahoo.com I will do my best to give you realistic advice from someone who has been there.
cutelildeadbear you've definitely had the most helpful things to say... yes its a tough situation... theres no way im going back to the school because it totally made things worse.. but i figure now that DSS has given us a warning, when my 2 year old sister is my age and my mom starts going after her, if she calls then they'll already know about my parents so it'll make it easier for her to escape... of course i'll be there for her the best i can but i'll be like 28 by then and definitely not living here.... after we lost our house in september and things started to get really bad I realized how strong i was, and that i'm a better person than my mom so when she says these awful things to me it just goes in one ear and out the other.... it's somewhat easy for me to handle now. We'll have one of those nights where the whiskey is flowin and eventually somebody ends up with a blackeye, and i've learned to just take a deep breath and shake it off.. sometimes i need a joint to help me do this.. I'm trying really hard in school right now i have a lot of dreams for my future and I do believe in myself, It's easy to stay away from the house, one of my best friends and her family are very supportive and they know whats going on and I go to their house to escape no matter how late it is... her mother and my mom became this way together except her mom got more into drugs than mine and ended up going to jail for a few months.. anyways like i said i can handle this. It's just that sometimes when my mom gets sooo unbelievably drunk its just a letdown you know?? I just look at her and i think "Ok.. thats my mother..." It's easier now that the baby is 2 and doesnt need to be cared for AS much... like she doesnt need to be held because there were some scary times when one of my parents would be holding her, swaying back and forth and you're just waiting for them to fall over... one time my dad was holding her and my mom was actually PUNCHING him, so i yelled at her, and she chased me up to my room and she eventually broke thru the door holding a hammer and a cigarrette, and what happened after that i've blocked out of my mind.. i was 12... the baby was about a month old.. Okay im just rambling on now.. but I guess I can't do anything about anything except to do good in school and go to college because thats my ticket outta hear u kno?? Theres no way my brother and sister are living with any relatives my parents wouldn't let that happen and my grandmother is too scared to try because she thinks it may backfire and my mom won't let her see us again. I am all my brother and sister have, and my brother really needs somebody because he is only 12. So I need to be somebody he can talk to to make him feel better. But a few weeks ago it was about 11:30 at night and he comes running into my room and he yells "Katie come downstairs quick!! Dad punched mom and shes bleeding and the baby saw the whole thing" so i ran downstairs, put the baby to bed, and my mom had peeled herself off of the floor and she pushed my dad out the door, but the stubborn drunk moron wouldnt move his hand so she slammed his hand in the door a few times till he finally moved, and then she locked him out. My mom then turned to my brother and started to shove him and i ran over to the other door to let my dad in to stop her, and she saw me do this and chased me out of the house.. i hid in the car for a while and when i came back my parents were really going at it, I yelled at them to stop fighting in front of us, and i got punched, so i ran upstairs and turned my music up so i couldn't hear it. My brother came in, got on his knees on my floor and he says "... you know that feeling when you see mom and dad hit each other? That really really low feeling that just gets under your skin...." and I said "You know i know that feeling" and he asks "Well, how do you make it go away?". I didn't know what to tell him, and that broke my heart. More than anything I want to be able to comfort him until he learns how to deal with it like I do, and the only reason I can deal with it is because I've seen too much.... How can I comfort my brother???
Sigh... It is so sad to hear this. And I really do know what you are going through. I know that you said you aren't really interested in calling the police on your parents, I know that is a scary thought. I know that sometimes the cops make it worse. But in all honesty, I think that you should consider talking to an official. Either the police or child and family services or something. I know you are strong and you are trying to take care of your brother and sister, but first of all that is not your responsibility, and second of all, you might not be able to do that all of the time. And they need someone else on their side like you already said. Your brother needs someone and your little sister needs care. The strongest thing you can do right now, and the best thing for you and your younger siblings is seriously to get help from someone. You can't help your parents, you can't make them do anything, but you can help yourself and your younger brother and sister. You taking hits and hiding and trying to escape isn't going to make it stop or get any better. You deserve better and so does your brother and sister. You would honestly be their hero if you got them out of this situation. What if they get seriously hurt? What if something awful happened and the baby died or something? You can't risk it. College is your ticket out of there, that is true, but there are others to consider. Apparently your family (meaning your grandmom and other relatives) know about the situation. If you and they work together and go to the authorities and explain the situation, (hell just show them this post if you can't think of what to tell them) they should be able to help in some way. Your grandmom might be able to raise you kids and I really don't think your parents will be able to do a damn thing about it. If your parents have a drinking problem and are abusive to each other and to you kids, then the state will not let you be with them. I'm telling you the truth. I know how hard it is to consider the whole authorities situation. I have had to call the cops on my dad a couple of times. While like I said before, it never helped him (he's still a drunk) it helped me. It helped me get a good nights sleep, it helped me be able to have a quiet place to do my homework. It helped me realize that this was his problem and not my fault. So honestly, who the hell cares about getting your mom or your dad help. At this point it is about getting you and your siblings help. If DSS already gave your parents a warning, all you have to do is call them again. Why wait until your sister is your age. Do it now. Don't make her life through this day in and day out for all of those years. I'm sorry, I wish you lived near me, I'd take you all in. And your mom doesn't scare me. I'd take care of her in a heart beat. Please think about calling someone. Or tell a teacher at school what is going on. I know it sounds so silly like an afterschool special or something, but really it is the best thing you can do in this situation. I didn't realize at first how bad it was for you all. Now I know that the answer is getting someone else involved. Good Luck. And again if you ever need anything just let me know.
You should really, really visit http://www.12stepforums.net/teens.html That site has active chat rooms and forums for people your age who have alcoholic parents, and experienced moderators are almost always online. It's completely and totally anonymous and you can talk to people there and they aren't going to call the cops on your parents... these are people who've been through it and know better than to do something like that, and our government doesn't force them to report it like your counselor has to. I can verify that she’s telling the truth. Both my parents have worked in drug/alcohol rehabilitation, and the first place CPS will try and put you is with family. My family took in one of my sisters friends in high school to get her away from her alcoholic mom, and there was nothing her mom could do about it. She stayed with us for five years, went to college and is a registered nurse at a shelter helping others in similar situations.
I feel sorry for you, and I think you have shown great courage to come on here and talk about your parents alcoholic problems. I think you should tell you grandparents or aunties and uncles and make them aware of what's going on. Or go to the nearest police station by yourself, ask to speak to someone, tell them how worried you are, and ask them to try and get you in touch with someone, or ask someone at your school if you can get in tough with a counsellor, or speak to an educational welfare officer.
ok... there is no way I'm going to the authorities again. There is a long process, they don't just come in and take the kids. There's court involved, my parents will have to get a lawyer which they don't have the money for, and while they're waiting to go to court and while DSS is investigating I'll STILL be living with them. This means the tension in this house gets multiplied by a million. I'll either be ignored or harrassed. I already dealt with this and no thank you I'm not going to the state... they're still throwing it in my face that I went to my guidance counselor... And besides, my mom says if I go to the state adn they try to put me and my brother and sister with my gram, she says she'll sign papers giving me over to the state. And yes she can do this, when my cousin tried to live with my gram her mother signed her over to the state and she had to move 4 hours up north and live with 11 other girls and its a long story... I never told my gram about my parents until november. Me and my brother were at her house and my boyfriend had just left b/c he lives 10 minutes away. At this point my mom hadn't met him yet but she did know about him. He got home and he called me and says that my mom had called his house (at 11:30) and started yelling at his sister calling him an asshole and saying he should stop wasting his time and lose my number. So i got really aggrivated and i sat down at the table with my gram, brother, cousin, and aunt. And i said "God.. i just can't take this anymore..." and my gram goes "... is it the drinking??" and I said yes, then me and my brother told her everything that she didn't know. By the end of it everybody was in tears and my gram said "You kids shouldn't have to go through this. I'm calling somebody, you're living with me" and then my aunt said "Now it may take a little while because we have to talk to a lawyer and find out more about how to do this so it might even be after christmas.." and my gram said "No. Sooner than that. Don't worry we're going to take care of it". About 3 months later nothing had happened... I called my gram and my cousin and begged them to get going on it... they say "Honey you don't understand it's more complicated than it seems... It's just not that easy..." it's bullshit. They're scared of my mom. So I'm not living with any relatives, and I'm not going to the state, it's just not going to happen. I don't care if that makes me a bad person but you know what it's a hell of a lot easier to say it than to do it. My parents may be crazy but I do love them and I wouldn't want to take us away from them even if they deserve it. They're morons and I'm sick and tired of raising them... but I have to, along with my siblings... I need advice on what I should say to my brother to help him feel better when things get a little crazy... if anybody has any suggestions please post them... I'm grateful for any advice you guys have.. but try not to give any that includes calling the cops or a relative i need real help here....
I'm not going to be able to convince you of the options you have available to get out. You're right, it's not easy. I don't want to sound like I'm talking down to you and belittling the experiences you've had, and I seriously doubt anyone else does either, so please don't take what's been said that way. Keeping yourself informed is power. As for myself, I'm not going to keep trying to tell you something you don't want to do... but I do know the exact steps your grandmother could take to prevent the results you've had before. Anyways, just know that the information is out there if you become ready to explore that option. As for helping your brother... I believe what Fritz posted in the other forum... there's no way someone here is going to know what you can tell him that will make things better. You know him better than anyone here does, and I'm sure you know how to relate the way you've dealt with it to come out so strong better than anyone here can. Were I in your shoes, I'd talk to alanon/alateen and I'd get your brother to talk to them as well... they won't report what you say and they can go far more in depth as far as coping techniques, they have people going through the same thing you are who're learning how to best deal with the situation they've been given, and they'd tailor what they've learned to help you.
