Colour vanished with you. Flickering and toneless, crosslegged in an empty filmstrip room. Joni sings to me, roses and dark cafés. My roses are dead. You took them away.
I like "crosslegged in an empty filmstrip room" a lot The simplicity I like too, and the delicate elegance. Not the greatest poem of this ilk I ever read, but you capture a melancholy moment well. I like the fact that you bring Joni in too - that gives the poem a whole new dimension, allows it to say much more than is actually there, send the brain whirling away into other moments, other lyrics, other great expression.
thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions, they're very much appreciated. littleskinny, i'm very thankful for your post. it's great to see depth in an opinion, and the thought pattern behind it. its encouraging to read all comments though, good, bad, whatever. it gives me something to work at and the motive to do it. the mediocre parts i can work on, the bad parts i can lose or change. the elements people like i can use as roots to grow and help me improve. thanks to everyone. much love, xxx
yea, the biggest challenge you'll face as a writer is that sometimes even the most eloquent writing has to be scaraficed when it dosent fit, still kills me to this day. But I'm glad to see that you are willing to put yourself through the riggors of critting to progress. best of luck to you
I liked this all to a point where I stumbled on the last two lines.... I wish I could explain what irked me but it's hard to put into words gut feelings. Obviously you may disagree but to me it seems to lose the elegance of the piece. It's just too bulky sounding and doesn't bring me to an effective closure.
