NEED ADVICE...my boyfriend has fits of rage and a scary temper..could he be Bi Polar?

Ok well I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months and we are going to get married within a few years. I have known him as an aquaintance for about 3 years. Lately his temper has been scaring me. One arguement caused him to rip the bedsheets off of me and get in my face, then he fell to the floor and started balling in tears (I was speechless). Then recently he was driving erractically cuz I didnt know where I wanted to eat lunch. Then we got into an argument and he was driving so crazy I thought he was going to get into an accident he was yelling when I had been quiet and was being verbally abusive when he got angry...then a few minutes later he was saying how he was sorry and he loved me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Now....ok.....I know to some of you this may sound insane but I do Love him....he has been only acting like this recently and its getting worse. His anger is even causing him major health and phsyical problems that worries me. When I told him he scares me sometimes he replied that he scares himself. He said he would see a therapist, but what I dont know is if he has some sort of mental problem. Does anyone know if his behavior could be due to Bi Polar syndrome??? I know 2 people with it...one medicated the other is not...and they dont even act like that. *sigh*... I don't want to dump him so please dont respond and tell me that. I am a girlfriend in despair because I love him and want to help him...but I dont know whats wrong. Any advice would help...thanks.

 

bi polar is more happy/sad, than happy/mad.

get him to smoke some pot and chill out. tell him to lay off the coke too.

 

...hmmmmm well then what the heck is his problem?? And no...he doesnt do drugs nor will that help the problem...2 of my exes were druggies and that is a whole other problem in itself.

 

pot could make his temper worse.

I would suggest you tell him what you want, and tell yourself what you want from this realtionship.

Is this really acceptable for you to live with? Is his tantrum worth risking your life for? Probably not.

Tell him that he has to understand that is not fair on you to behave this way and if he wants to be with you he needs to do something about it, like seek councelling for anger management.

Your wellbeing is important.

 

It may not be what you want to hear, but anyone who gets so angry that it frightens you is someone you should not stay with. Let him be not with someone while he irons out his problems, whatever they may be, and then when he's fit to be in a relationship where he doesn't go crazy on a girl then he can date. You know how they say, "Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself? Well, I think it's also fair to say that before you can be any kind of proper mate for someone, your mental state should have to be balanced first.

You do not owe someone toleration of near-psychotic rages. Your own safety could be at risk, as you acknowledged when you said you thought he might crash the car.

I think you should find someone else that you'll be more at peace with, less worried about. I don't think you should think of leaving him as abandoning him so much as engaging in self-preservation. You have a responsibility to yourself long before you have it to anyone else.

Good luck.

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey

 

I am going to have to agree with Jeffery on this one, for the most part. What I would do is give him some time to himself. Make HIM realize that he is going to loose you if he doesn't control it. I would not want to be with anyone like that, myself, but I understand that you love him. Such a rare and beautiful thing love is, to make that one connection with someone... a true connection. But sometimes, true love is letting go my dear. He already knows that he scares you being like that, and himself. Now he needs to realize that he is going to lose you if he keeps it up.

To help him out Tell him to focus on something that he can carry around with him. It can be a piece of jewlry, a bracelet, some type of rock. Anything along those lines. When he is looking at this item *at normal/calm emotions* He needs to see peace, he needs to feel peace. The next time he is angry remind him of this item so he can hold it... When he is angry, he needs to realize that he is angry, then supress it, not express it. If you have ever seen Happy Girlmore by Adam Sandler, have him go to that "happy place" to relax his mind and body and let him realize what he is doing...

Good luck!

 

pots a depressant, it doesnt make you angry, and certainly doenst make you more violent. i used to be a testosteron junkie, with a need to get in fights. i used to search out the opportunity, UNTILL i started smoking joints. i calmed down and realized that fighting isnt even remotely cool, and now i couldnt get angry if i tried.

it honestly sounds like your bf is going through coke withdrawls though.

 

Well, I hesitantly say this, but it almost sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. I have this myself, though I'm not prone to violent outbursts, but I can get very nasty at times, seemingly for no reason - I don't understand it myself the way little things can trigger such a huge emotional response. I take medications for it which helps to some extent (at least with the depression).

But if you say this is a recent thing, it's probably not that - BPD is something that doesn't just come out of nowhere... UNLESS he's been trying to control it or hide it.

He *should* see a therapist one way or the other, and if I were you, I'd positively encourage him to do so.

 

My friend is 16, and he does shit like that. He was recently diagnoes with schizophrenia. he goes from being funny and happy, to freaking out and screaming. he had alot of anger and will randomly hit people.

 

"my boyfriend has fits of rage and a scary temper..could he be Bi Polar?"


screw the bi-polar angle, i'd make him your ex. It's only going to get worse unless he can fix the problem himself. I don't know what the whole story is, but it sounds like he has a chemical inbalance in his head. But he needs to get it fixed or lose him, or it's going to be worse.

 

I disagree with most the people that say he needs to figure it out on his own. I think that’s probably the worst way to go about it. Especially if you threaten him with your relationship.

to me it sounds like there is something that is really bothering him and making him depressed that he is not telling you. I doubt it is you that is making him angry.

How I would go about it is let him know that you truly love and care for him and that you are there for him if he ever needs you. But dont probe him with questions and try and get to the bottom of what is making him so angry, because that will probably just upset him more. Healing takes time.

Defiantly encourage him to see a therapist, I think that would be best.

BUT. If he ever does turn violent and you truly feel like you are in danger or worse he does become real physical. that’s when you get the hell out. I dont care what the circumstances are. a man never beats a woman.

 

OK, girl, let me tell you that I'm Bi-polar...

When you say your boyfriend has "fits of rage" it doesn't necessarily mean he's sick. But, if sometimes he is also tight and enclosed in himself or suddenly loves to talk about everything and anything and then just shuts up, he may have the disorder.

Let me tell you... it sucks! But, the truth is, most people do not have it and may just be depressed or well a complete asshole. Depending on how much you love him, why don't you pick. If you think he needs help, be there for him and suggest it. My boyfriend was there for me and I am a hundred times better. Otherwise fuck him and lose him!

LOVE,
rbaby

 

What is happening right now sounds like it could be Bi-Polar with rapid change. I know because it is the same thing I have. My wife left me because of it and my life is pretty much a huge fucking mess now. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and put on medication. So far I am doing alot better and the hot and cold mood swings have pretty much stopped, although not totally. I smoke pot all the time and it really does help and add to the effects of the medication. Try to get your b/f to see a pyscologist or even just his doctor. If this is indeed Bi-Polar, he needs to be on medication. Some people can control it without, but most can't.

 

my old g/f in high school was like that, everything would be hunky dory and then outta the blue she would just flip out, hell even hit me a few times, i mean punched like a man...but hell i was in love, still love her actually, but tho she tried to change she never did, was and still is like that according to acquaitences of us both, and we've been broke up for 3 yrs,...and i just got sick of her shit and couldnt stand it anymore, scared to make a joke cuz it may piss her off, scared to take her anywhere becasue something might happen that would piss her off then i'd try to calm her down and she'd flip on me.....but 95 percent of the time she was the most peaceful loving person in the world.....but when she flipped it was like lucifer incarnate or sumthin......and well ike i said earlier, we dated for about 4 yrs, been broke up for 3 and she's been that way from the jump and is still ike that today......

 

He said he will see a therapist. Great. As long as he recognizes that he has a problem & is willing to seek help, I think it is outrageous to tell you to dump him -- the ones that need to be dumped are the ones who deny the problem or refuse help. This guy wants help, so he deserves all the support he can get. When the therapist feels it is appropriate, I would even suggest going to therapy with him, so that you can find out what to do to help & how to best respond when he does go into a fit of rage.

However, without a doctorate in psychiatry or psychology & without a chance to sit down & talk & observe him, nobody here can offer a reliable diagnosis. He already said he is willing to see a therapist -- does it matter whether he will be diagnosed with bi-polar syndrome or just with anger management issues? Either way, he needs professional help, including counselling, not just medication.

 

You should tell him that you won't see him anymore until you have proof that he is attending therapy or counseling, or seeing a doctor. I realize that you care about him and are tremendously attached emotionally, but the best thing is to dump him. (Take precautions that he does not commit violence towards you. If that's a possibility, get a restraining order, plus notify the police that they should periodically check on your safety.) Right now, you are a codependent (that is, you are supporting him in his rages and violence). You say that you've known him for 3 to 4 years, and been close to him for a full year, and you might get married to him in another 3 or 4 years? You're not thinking straight. (I don't always think straight, so that why it's so important to take hints from supporters and friends. Dump him. The marriage is not going to happen. You could find some other guy, yet you're wasting your time with this loser.) Good luck.

 

Always just read threads, but this one hits close to home. I have real anger problems. I have spent a lot of money fixing my walls and furniture from childish temper tantrums I had. Most of my episodes are from getting frustrated while working on something. I was told that I should control my rage so I started bottling it up inside.

Soon I was taking it out on people. One time I was walking home from work and some people yelled something at me (I don't even know what). I flipped out, flipped them off, they stopped and I trashed their car windows with rocks, and got the shit kicked out of me. Anyway, the peak of it all was once with my girlfriend when we got in a stupid argument about some movie. I got so mad that I grabbed a bowl of salad out of her hands and smashed it against the wall and then smashed the kitchen table to pieces. There were other incidences with her like this before but not this bad. I was so ashamed, all I could think about was, what if I had hit her or something? I could hardly live with myself. Afterwords she came to talk to me. She said "No matter how mad you get, it never crosses my mind that you would hit me". She was right.

Most people would disagree with this, but I believe there is a BIG line between getting mad and smashing-throwing inanimate object and actually hitting someone you love. I never believed it until that night.

After that thing, you are probably wondering what my point is? Well here it is. How did I fix my rage problem? First off, the therapists didn't do shit. No offense to them, but they only made things worse. I stopped trying to bottle my anger up around the house and bought a punching and a bunch of weights. Now, whenever I am feelings mad or frustrated, I go workout (no more repair costs). I found I got mad outside the house a lot less because I worked off the testerone or something like that. I am still with my girl and that night was a year and a half ago and I haven't had any problems like that since. I am so glad she stayed with me while all her friends said I was a wouldbe wife beater. I love her so much. Now whenever we have an argument, which really isn't that often, I go hit the bag and work out.

All I am saying is... don't expect therapists to fix everything and, if you really love him, stay and help him with his problems.

 

you say not to respond to leave him but the fact that you put that in there should tell you something! your conscience or gut or whatever you want to call it is telling you what to do. if it has been four months and he is scaring you imagine four years. is this what you think or want out of a loving relationship? unless HE decides on his own to get help to work on changing things will get WORSE. 100% guarenteed.

you can't change someone. you can encourage them but you can't will them or want them or love them into changing. unfortunately that is just life and as hard and painful as it is for you to break up with him, staying with him will only end up hurting worse, both emotionally and maybe physically.

you also say he is verbally abusing you, verbal abuse can be just as damaging as any other and is just as wrong and the fact that you are accepting it already just lets him know he can keep doing it, apologizing and crying, and you will stay for more. you teach people how to treat you and you are teaching him it is okay to do this to you and you will put up with the anger rage and abuse.

what if he had gotten you two in an accident when he was driving crazy?
what if you were paralized or killed? or what if someone else was?
all because he was irrationally pissed b/c you didn't know where you wanted to eat, i wouldn't like to know that is why my son/daughter/child/parent/myself was hurt or killed, from someones bad temper...

and you think you want to marry him someday? do you want kids?
what if you were pregnant and he did something to you or had an accident b/c he couldn't control himself? how would you feel then?
is that the kind of dad you want for your kids?
is that the peaceful, loving home you imagined raising them in?
you think your scared, imagine being an infant or child brought into that, terrifying!

i really pray you read this and even if it pisses you off b/c it isn't what you want to hear, i hope these words echo in your head the next time he scares the hell out of you by screaming, snatching, or demeaning you and i hope it makes you get out.
i know you want an answer that tells you how to fix him so you can stay with him and help him be the person you get to see sometimes, but you CAN'T. he has to do it and he never will as long as you allow him to do it to you. the next time he flips out for whatever reason tell him you love him you want him to get help but that you can not be here anymore until he has gone thru some help. that whatever he just said or did to you it was the last time b/c he could act that way but you wouldn't be on the recieving end of it.

you say you love him right, so if someone was doing what he does to him you would want him to get away from them right? love yourself that much! please be smart, good luck and be careful!

oh and no this isn't caused by bi-polar disorder. that doesn't mean he couldn't have bi-polar too, but that doesn't cause violence in behavior (words or actions), it causes violent mood swings (extreme ups and extreme downs). he is displaying classic abusive characteristics, read anything anywhere and you will see that. outbursts followed by deep remorse and usually promises of never again.

 

It could be the Irish in him. (I noticed that you were from Ireland.) Unless you made that up, then it could be anything else but the Irish temper in him.

 

Although I'm not diagnosed and am hesitant to diagnose myself, I'm pretty sure I have borderline-personality-disorder and am bi-polar. Coming from someone who can relate to your boyfriend...I have to say that I understand that he scares himself. I've never been that violent, but I can be in the happiest mood and change in an instant, not wanting to be around anyone at all. It's so scary sometimes...the slightest thing can trigger it.

It sounds like your boyfriend needs help. I would encourage him to see someone about it. I don't see anyone myself, but then again...I'm stubborn. Plus...I've never gone driving crazy with my significant other in the car. He can end up hurting you as well as himself. So really, if you love him, be there for him and make him get help. Good luck with your situation.