children of divorced parents

do you think children of divorced parents have a higher likelihood of getting divorced themselves, or does it not make a difference? my mom's always insisted that this is true, but i'm not so sure i agree with her on this one.

just wondering what y'all's thoughts on this were....

 

my parents are divorced, but obviously im not married yet to tell if it worked out or not...

what i CAN say is that i 'like' (or tend to invole myself with) people who treat me pretty crappy- so i guess if that makes the divorce rate higher for me then that might be true.

 

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and my dad died when I was 15. Absolutly. For me, I find it harder to open up to people and sometimes I go into a 'depression' mode. My dad was also bipolar, depressed, schizophrenic, anxiety disordered and drank alchohol and smoked cigs and did drugs since he was 13 or so. So yeah, I do believe it does make us more susceptiable (sp?) to it.

 

I think statistics have proven this to be true. I don't believe in statistics though. Hehehe. Anyway, I think the reason they say this is true is because they say the child grows up without a sense of love and family and working things out and staying together through thick and thin. When people get divorced, it can send the message that you don't have to work out problems, you can just get rid of them. I don't necessarily believe this, but it is what I've read.

However, I think that can be learned anywhere it all depends on the child's family life. For example, my parents never got divorced (they live apart now but they are still married) but they stayed together for us kids when we were growing up. So, I saw a relationship that was completely loveless and abusive and hateful and I thought that is how relationships were supposed to be. Until I met Jeremy and his family. They taught me the past 5 years that when you are with someone you do your best to work through problems, you don't run away and shut people out and people don't abandon you for silly mistakes and they don't just stop loving you.

I personally think some children are better off having parents who are divorced than if they were together if being together is going to cause more pain and suffering for the child.

 

I agree with this 100% My parents split up when I was 3 or 4, and I'm rather glad they did. I mean, they are great peopel but htey aren't really suited to one another.

As for divorce being passed down through generations, it's hard to say without a good study, but that'd be expensive to follow through on. My family on one side (my dad's mom's father's kinda side) does have a history of divorce, seperation, and running away from their partner since like 1918 or so. It's kinda crazy. Most remarried and found someone they truly loved the second time around, but the first marriages rarely work out in my family.

Personally... I'm not a big believer in marriage. To me, living with someone and being in love with them is nearly teh same thing. Yes, eventually I might get married but I'm not counting on it. Marriage ceremonies are more for the families, I think, than for the two getting married. At least, that's my take on it

 

I think it's impossible to say. And no study is ever going to be able to pinpoint. Because there are so many variables as to why people divorce: their personalities, societal standing, financial situations, etc.

But personally, I come from a broken home. And because of that, I STRIVE to make the most of the relationship I'm in. We don't sleep on a fight. If I'm pissed off at him, he knows it and we discuss it. And vice versa. We battle stresses together, not apart. Like our financial situation. He is the only one really working. I babysit part time and take calls from home. But, to be fair, I'm taking care of most business-day issues, like paying bills and making appointments and such. Plus, soon, I'll be caring for our child. And that takes off the financial stress of disposable diapers, formula feeding, and daycare costs. Because being home will allow me to cloth diaper, breastfeed, and care for my own baby.

Plus, we discuss all financial decisions before making them. We are in this together. We are working together to build each other up, and that's the important thing.

I personally think too many people focus more on themselves personally and what benefits them alone rather than what benefits everyone. We're a selfish people, I've found. And relationships depend on a bit of selflessness. People really need to remember that.

 

yah - love the romantic idea of a fairytale marriage,I unfortunately,have ended up on shit street too many times.However - I attend a wedding pretty much every month as piano player and the age of romance is certainly not dead.

 

Romance and Love are not near the same thing, though.

Thinking of marriage as anything romantic has to have some sort of negative connotation. Because marriage is love, and love is work.

 

I think this is true BUT I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think in our past, too many people stayed married because they felt it was socially unacceptable to get a divorce. This led to people spending decades in miserable, unloving marriages.

I'm all for working out problems, but some problems can't be worked out. It used to be that if your husband cheated on you, you shed your tears in silence and sucked it up and went on with life. Now, as women have become stronger and more independent, they've learned to kick the jerk to the road and move on. That goes for men too...if your girl cheats you, you can now walk away without looking like an idiot. Personally, I don't think cheating is an issue that should be worked out.

Ditto for abusive spouses, criminals, drug users, drunks, financially irresponsible spouses, etc. It's a great thing that in todays society, you can get out of a bad marriage easily. Remember, just because you were dumb enough to marry a Problem Spouse doesn't mean you have to be dumb enough to stick with them the rest of your life.

Love should be fun. That's not to say that you won't have problems to work through...but when the "fun" factor disappears completely, it's time to leave. If you've grown up in a divorced family, you have that knowledge that there IS life after divorce and that someone better will eventually come along.

If I had "stayed to work out my problems" with my ex-husband, I'd be dead by now. No joking. Having come from a divorced family, I had the strength to walk away knowing that life would go on.

I think sometimes people who grew up in traditional families get this idea that you have to "stay no matter what" and I just don't buy into that. If you aren't happy, you need to move on.You deserve happiness in your life.

The whole "till death do us part" thing is just horrid in my opinion...It implies that you should stay even if your partner is emotionally abusive, a cheater, a beater, a dead beat, insert misc. problem ____, etc.

I've been divorced for 3 years now. I can honestly say that I have no interest whatsoever in re-marriage. Dating is fine, sex is great, but by-gosh he better have his own home to go to afterwards! I feel that legally binding marriage saps all the free will and spontaneity out of a relationship. Some of the best, strongest, relationships I've seen were between people who spent many many years together without legally marrying.

Just my slightly-more-than-two-cents on the subject.

 

I don't think it is a bad thing either. I got married when I was 18 (stupid I know) to someone that I didn't love and was not right for me. I got divorced when I was 21. At my wedding someone asked me what am I going to do if it doesn't work out, the first thing I said was get divorced. Not that going into marriage should be taken lightly or with the idea that you are going to get divorced, but I had issues back then, that I learned from. I too am glad that I was able to get a divorce (easier than I got married actually). And I also agree that there are some issues that just can't be worked out.

 

While I know that there are most certainly things that cannot and should not be worked out inside the confines of a marriage, I do not agree that "once it's lost its fun, then you should leave."

Everything in life hits a rough patch, a place where you don't like it anymore and want out. Parenting: A commitment to another person/people. Not always fun. But you can't run away from your kids. Your Job: a commitment to another person/people. Not always fun. But you can't just quit your job everytime it's no longer fun. Same thing with marriage. It's a commitment to another person. Even if its not always fun, you can't just leave. You and that other person grow to depend on each other, for company, support (mental and emotional), as well as the calm reassuring voice that makes things make sense again.

There will always be rough times, but the ability to love the person despite the problems, to work through your mental instabilities together, to mature together, and grow together, makes you love each other even more. You learn new levels of trust and understanding. It doesn't come for years down the road, but it's an amazing thing to work for. In the long haul, it's worth it.

 

I agree it shouldn't be that way, but unfortunately, you can just cut and run when it isn't fun anymore. You can do it with your job and you can do it with your marriage, etc. I think there are many people who don't take marriage seriously anymore. I know I sure didn't. I didn't even love the person I married the first time. It had nothing to do with love at all, but about my low self esteem, making me feel better and saying "fuck you" to my family and everyone who told me in life that I would never find anyone to love me... (nice thing for your parents to instill in you huh.)

All I know is if I was forced to stay with that person I would have killed myself. I'm not exaggerating, I had serious mental illness and he was making it worse and not allowing me to get the treatment that I desperately needed. I tried to kill myself on more than one occasion while with him. Then I realized I could just get out of the marriage and start my life over. So that is what I did.

I have a completely different view on marriage and relationships now, and I wouldn't go into a marriage now without love and devotion and the idea that we are going to try our best to make it through all of the rough times and the wonderful times together and hopefully grow old together. I'm also not delusional enough to believe that people stay in love forever.

But all situations are different and everyone has an opinion on the topic.