I have a little problem with my mom here...

blah, this is bugging me. I'm going to sound like just a ranting teenager as I write this, but I'm really annoyed.

My dh, Leane and I are renting out the basement at my mom's place right now...not to mention for quite an unreasonable amount/month.
I am expected to clean and cook all meals...which I generally don't mind doing at all. My mom works full time, my dh is going to college, I work part time and my 16 year old sister works part time and spends the rest of her day doing drugs and doesn't lift a finger.
If I go one day without cleaning obsessivly, my mom comes home in one hell of a mood and bitches me out all night. Today, for example, all I did was do the dishes and fold her's, mine, Cody's and Leane's laundry. The rest of the day I spent playing with Leane and I crocheted for a while. Now I'm getting ready to cook supper. She's mad now that i didn't dust the basement regardless of the fact she's having the downstairs bathroom completely re-done...which she is sending Cody and I on a major guilt trip for because it's costing her so much (it had to be done, since there was mould in the walls). I told her that I really thought that it was pointless to dust/vacume the basement until it was done.
She also came downstairs and gave Cody crap because her garage is such a mess and that she can't clean it all cuz she;s so sick with the flu that I still have, as well. If that made any sence.....
I've tried to explain to her that i also would like to play with Leane while I still can, as we're going to be in school for the next -7 years, and it's going to be hard then. I have the rest of my life to clean. She, on the other hand, is a complete neat-freak.
The obvious solution here is to move out, which Cody and I are in the process of looking into doing.
I've tried to ask if my sister can help, but she doesn't feel like arguing with her, so doesn't bother. if i ask, my sister just freaks.
However, there's another piece to this puzzle....my mom's finace bought this house with her, and my mom kicked him out cuz he can't handle my sister and also has bi-polar disorder which he refuses to get help for....which makes it a little hard to live with him sometimes. He used to pay the mortage, which Cody's and my rent now covers. So if we leave, she's hooped and needs to sell the house.....we can't leave until my sister is 18, when my mom tells her she has the option to leave or pay rent, so that her finace can move back in.
I don't know what to do. We're going insane here. My MIL thinks that my mom is being really unreasonable, expecting me to clean her house, cook all meals, and pay the amount of rent we are on top of it. If we complain about something, she pulls the "I;m the landloard, you're the tenant" card, but if she has a complaint, I'm suddenly back to being her lazy daughter who takes complete advantage of her. It's so unbelievably frustrating!!!!

 

ugh, that sucks. given all the info, i'd still take my family and move out. none of this is your fault and you should feel no obligation to stay ((hugs))

 

you can't stay. you have a family now, too, and you have to do what's right fo ryour child & husband. besides that, when you pay rent, you are in charge of keeping up your living area and cleaning up after YOURSELF, buying & keeping your own food, as well as cooking it and cleaning/putting away the dishes when you're done. that's it. that's more than enough. she can't give you a guilt complex about redoing the bathroom, since she's legally obligated to do so, AND, when you're gone, she'll still be benefitting from it. and at the rate she's going, you're going to be gone much more quickly than she'd prefer, i'd bet. sometimes you just gotta be a hardass with mom.

 

Just because your rent covers her mortgage doesn't mean you have to stay there. This is not your problem. If there's no lease (please tell me you mom didn't make you sign a lease) then you have no obligation to live here. Just leave and let her solve her own problems. It's not unreasonable that she expect you to do housework, but if you’re mother can’t respect that you have other responsibilities than to her, than you need to get out of there. You’re not a child, and the only way your mother is ever going to respect that is if you don’t let her treat you as such.

My suggestion is that you explain how you feel, and if you can't reach some sort of arrangment then get the hell out of there.

 

The best thing for you and your family to do is to move. If your mother expects you to do all of her chores plus be a good mother, support your hubby and work all in one she expects way too much. Your whole family (sis,hubby) should have a sit down talk with her. Explain to her that putting you on a guilt trip every time that you dont do something doesn't help you or her all it does is piss you off and makes you want to leave even more. Also tell her that she can't expect you to do all the daily chores everyday especially when your a new mom and you want to enjoy your daughter (playing, teaching, smiling etc). You have forever to clean and you only get one chance to watch, teach, help your daughter grow. tell her that you now have a family of your own and they come first. When you mother tries to pull the lazy daughter card tell her you pay half the mortgage so you are entitled to do what you damn well please to do if thats to be lazy then be lazy. It also sounds to me that your mom is anal about having things clean tell her to relax and that the chores will get done when you have time to do so and if she doesn't like that then she can do thenher damn self.and at the end of your talk tell her taht you and your family are struggling since you hubby is in school and you working and taking care of your baby and then have her breathe down your neck about the house not being clean just doesnt help at all. She needs to just relize that cetain things dont make sense to do . (vacumming where its just gonna get dirtier). If all else fails move out.

 

Not that I'll anything different to say, but I also think youshould move. Just because SHE can't pay her bills, you are not obligated to stay. You are paying her mortgage for her. And you have to be her maid? THat is bullshit. I'm staying with a friend of mine at the moment because I lost my job. I clean her house everyday and cook for them. BUT I am not obligated to give them one cent. Please, move out. For your sake and your famiy's.

 

If your mum can't afford the mortgage on the place then she should not be trying to do it. However that is her problem and although you could point out to her that maybe she could look at selling and buying something she could afford the repayments on it really is not your problem. Same with sis, it is the perogative of teenagers to go off when asked to help out (or so it seems), however she isn't a baby and is lucky to be living in a country that has allowed her to have such a life as to not be out working and supporting the family plus contributing to homelife. Either you can all pull together on this and get it all out on the table and work it out but if that isn't going to happen then I think that you have to do what you feel is best for you and your little one and your partner. It is all very well to put family first and all that stuff but like the other guys said you have a family now and they are your first priority.
good luck and by the way you could always go for the argument that too clean a house can lead kids to have all sorts of allergies and stuff later on!

 

Thanks for all the support.
lol, i actually pulled that card last week.....however, she still thinks that the house is too dirty and compared herself to my aunt (who's house has to smell like bleach to be clean...blech )...I think that she may have some form of obsessive compulsive disorder..... Even when I do clean, she has to go over and re-do it on the weekend. I asked her what the point in me cleaning was then, and she says, "I just have to be sure that's it's clean!" So, needless to say, I kinda went a little more lax in how much cleaning I was doing.
I'm nervous about talking to her. every time that cody and i talk about moving out when we're supposed to in a couple years, she mistakes it for us planning to move out now, and suddenly gets this sad look on her face and says, "you're not leaving me yet, are you?" So it would seem I'd have a little play power here. However, my when we go on our monthly shopping trip, we can only pitch in about a quarter of the bill (she buys $200 worth of groceries, we can only pay $50). she never lets us forget that, and is convinced that we;d actually not be able to survive w/o her.
We did have our own apartment before we moved here....we only came here so I could be close to some family when I had Leane and so we could be closer to the city for school. We;ve told her this a zillion times, but she keeps saying, "I have to teach you how to run a house, and be a mother." i can't stand it when she says that....
we're waiting for a call back from a rent management company....we kind of left our last one on a bad note (we had to leave unexpectedly and got into a fight about having to pay the last month's rent when they were just supposed to just take our damage deposit....and they over charged for cleaning) so we don;t know who's going to be willing to take us...there's not too many options around here, and we can't move too far due to cody's school. So we'll have to see.....

 

Hon, she sounds controlling and obsessive. I'd leave as soon as you find something suitable.

First of all, no one can "teach" you to be a wife, mother, and housekeeper. You'll do things to your own style and forcing you into anything else will just be ignored by you or cause more rifts.

Secondly, continuously pointing out what you DONT contribute shows her as a controlling and self-centered person. The "you can't make it without me" routine is commonly played among abusive and controlling males in relationships. And I'm sure you don't want your daughter raised around this type of thinking.

Thirdly, you really have to put your family first. I'm not talking about anyone other than yourself, your husband, and your little girl. You're not related to your momma by choice, but you are creating your own family with a person YOU chose. And they need to come first in your thoughts. If homelife is chaotic and stressful and it's not due to you or hubbie but rather your roommates, you need to find a situation in which you can both relax together. Home should be a place of rest, not stress and anxiety.

Do what you know is best.

 

This is exaily the way I see it
Home should be somewhere "safe" from the world, know what I mean? My mom has always believed that she needed to be as tough as the outside world o "prepare" us............

 

hippyfreak said it really well, the only thing which makes me question that is all the inter cultural stuff we have been doing at uni ately that points out how new this view of family is and it makes me think that maybe your mum is just operating from a whole different dynamic and idea of exactly what family is than yourself. This would require a whole lot more negotiation than what you might think because her entire social constuct may be different from the one you are operating in.....sounds to me like you are going to be hanging out there for a while and you might need to find new ways to deal with the situatoin. I am studying, working and am a mum and I have to say that when you talked about your partner studying I didn't automatically think that this precluded him from participating in the stuff that needs to be done around home. Maybe he can help out with stuff at home some and that will allow you to spend time with your daughter that you would otherwise not get? The sacrifice I make from doing what I do is I possibly don't get wuite the marks I might get if I was operating on my own however after having been in the workforce for many years the one thing I do know is that the marks you get at school do not necccesarily determine how well you do once you ente the workforce. A single person might sacrifice these marks for time spent with friends however someone who chooses to do the best to their ability whilst still passing and taking care of their life around them is ultimately gong to go far further....

siory if that was not as clear as I intended but it is real late....take care and you sound like you have a really steady head upon your shoulders and thngs will come out ok whatever happens!

 

This sounds like something my mother would have tried. I got the hell OUTTA there. You don't owe her a mortgage. If you and your dh can afford her rent (which must be high, if you are paying her mortgage) then you two can get your own place.

Does Canada have a WIC program, or some other Mother Infant and Child food supplement program, like the USA does? I am assuming they do. This gives your food coupons, if you are low income, so mothers and young children can afford food.

I wouldn't take her guilt crap. YOU are the mama now. Don't tell her you are moving, as it will only make her worse, let her know two weeks or so before you go. If she can't afford her own house, she may need a smaller place. It isn't up to you to pay her mortgage.

Good luck, honey. One of the hardest parts of becoming a mother is telling the other adults around you that YOU are an adult and that YOU are making your own decisions. The best thing to do is to just do it. My dh and I never lived with our parents, but we did have to make it very clear that WE were the parents and that WE would be making decisions for our children and ourselves. The longer you wait to declare your independence, the harder it will be. One more pointer NEVER accept "free" babysitting. It is just a control tecnique with parents like this. Either pay a sitter or take the baby with you. We learned this one the hard way, too. You don't need her to "teach" you how to be a mother. All she has you there for is to have a free maid and mortgage payer. There is little in it for you, your dh or Leane. Go your own way. You will be OK.

Good luck. You can do it!!!!

 

thanx again for all the support.
my dh already figured out the "free babysitting" thing. And i totally understood what he said after leaving Leane with her for 3 hours one night.
My mom didn't really want to babysit anyway, as she says that this is her "free life" now without kids, and she doesn't want to be "burdened" with kids anymore.....
I must say, certainly one of the hardest parts of being a parent is telling my parents and in laws that these are our decisions. Even when they say that they understand, they still look at you funny....I've always been the kind of person who's needed everyone's approval, but I'm getting better at just following my own beliefs now.

My mom's favorite thing to say is, "I helped you out, and you're helping me out..."this is the kind of talk that makes it hard to tell her we're going to go.
The last time that I moved out was to move in with my dh when I was 16 because I couldn't handle living with her finace anymore. She has always told me how she was upset for months and months after I moved.

Believe it or not, my biggest fear is Leane is going to call my mom "mama".....it sounds goofy, but between being treating like I'm still just a lazy daughter and pushy sister...it seems like a real possibility to me.....it feels like I'm leane's babysitter sometimes.

The rent that we're paying here is about the same for a 1-2 bedroom apartment around here (this is a smaller area outside of a big city, so it's a little more pricey...)

We don't have a form of WIC here, or from what I know of anyway. I'll look into it. Instead, every month I get a Child Tax Benifit from the federal government...it's not much.....and it's already tied up with some of our other bills.....however, cody and I went over our budget and figured out that if we were on our own again, we'd be able to use that for groceries. We're still a few thousand dollars in debt, though, which was another reason why we moved up here.....and is still a concern.......:&

 

Sounds like everyone has had enough....
Trust me sweetie , been there done that. Let me tell you my little story!!!

I was 24 years old and working as a chef in a pretty upscaled restaurant, well-to-do!! I was at the same place for 31/2 years. I was working so hard all the time, having fun, but working hard. So anyways...I was only seeing my boyfriend for a veryshort time, and found out I was expecting. When I told him, he was shocked to say the least, and not ready for the reality of it all. Well a week later, we found out that we were expecting twins....yes twins!! So I had to move back home with my parents (which are cool people), but move back in none the less. My BF lived over two hours away with a really good job, and money was too good to leave. Plus at that point he decided to stay and save for a home. So time goes on...I delivered two girls!! And they were beautiful...Lots of work but awesome!! (August 2003) My parents were such great help. I wanted out in the worst way..just wanted my own space , privacy, etc. Then in Jan of 2004 my sister lost her home to a fire. So she moved in with her two girls.AHHHHHHH At this piont I was ready to scream!! Okay so it was my parents, myself with four month old TWINS, my sister and her two and nine year old. OUCH. I was the one who helped with dishes, laundry, cookingm cleaning, and trying to mother the girls...Hectic YES. So finally my BF and i scored a beautiful home in Feb of '04. I needed to get out of there. We all did.
So in your case I hear you.... I do, and I know it all sucks now, and it does. You are all trying to help one another out. But in the meantime it is stressful, and no privacy, no personal space to do anything....I know I know! you need to do what makes you happy in your heart. If you and your Boyfriend can afford something ...GO FOR IT, I have learne din life you need to do what is best for yourself. I am sure your mom will make do with was she has. It sounds like your mom is under lots of stress too. Trying to make everyone happy is not an easy job.You, baby and boyfriend are your very own family now, and need your very own space, and privacy. To mention a few. Yes it may be tough at first , but with enough patience and energy you will get by... Remember you have to keep you and your new precious little family happy. Happiness far exceeds any amount of money. Although money is nice, it isn't everything.. I wish you luck ,and if you ever need to talk please feel free to e-mail me. I have been through this and I know you will be fine. Good Luck and Take Care!