I am frustrated... How often do you feel like doin it?

I am begining to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. I have not discussed this with my gyno or family dr because they are both men, and I would feel very uncomfortable bringing up the subject with them. I have not discussed this with my mother either, because, well, that would just be incredibly uncomfortable, especially as Jack and I aren't married yet. I feel like a dork saying this, but I don't have any friends outside of work that I could discuss this with either, so any input from you chicks would be great.

Ok, so every 3-4 weeks my fiance and I have "the talk" about having sex. I've come to dread hearing this because he gets upset and I always end up crying.

When we first got together we had sex all the time. Probably close to 4 or more times a day. Now that we've been living together for more than 2 years, we don't have sex nearly as much... not even every day.
It's not that I don't desire him, or feel attracted to him, because I do. I love to hold him, have him hold me, kiss him, touch him, look at him naked, etc. And, I love when he touches me, kisses me, tells me I'm sexy, etc.

I just don't feel the desire to have sex as much any more. I don't know the last time I really truly felt really horny, either. Almost every night after we go to bed, he starts to kiss me and touch me, and most of the time I just want to go to sleep. I hate to just lay there and fall asleep, or roll over, because I know it is so important to him. I don't want to disappoint him, but sometimes it is just easier to fall asleep than to deal with it. Sometimes I just have sex to make him happy .Also, a lot of times I am really tired and I don't want to do it... or he will want to stay up really late and then after we go to bed I don't want to do it... Stress is also a big factor, methinks. I also wonder about the medication I am on. (I haven't brought this up with the doctor, because I don't know what to say) I am on Isonazaid (I think that's right) an antibiotic for a TB infection (just infection, not the disease-- positive TB skin test at work) which I have to be on for 9 months, and also Toprol, a heart medication for my irregular heartbeat. On both of the information sheets that came with my prescriptions it said a possible side effect may be sexual side effects, but I didn't know if that just meant like impotence for men or something... I don't know if that could be lack of desire for women???? And, I know that the doc would probably tell me that this isn't important enough to quit taking my meds, or to change to something else (whatever it would be would probably be the same thing all over again)

I've also told him I wish he wouldn't put such importance on sex. I've told him I wish he would just hold me or make out with me- at any time- like he used to, instead of just doing that kind of thing when he wants to have sex. I've also told him that I am like an oven... you have to turn me on and preheat me before you can bake the cake. I don't just automatically get turned on and want sex because I am in bed.

I am in love with him... I want to be with him forever... and to have his babies... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to put extra strain on my relationship, a wonderful relationship, because of something like this. I am getting very frustrated with this, and I wish it would end.

Any comments, suggestions, etc from anyone???

Thank you all!

Zeppelingirl

 

i think everyone goes through that. i think one trick i learned is to say yes a few times even when you don't want to. the funny thing about sex is that the more you do it, the more you want to. but you've kind got in a situation where there's a big build up of resentful emotion about the topic because it's become so big. i know it sounds wierd, but give it a shot.

 

i definitely don't think anything's wrong with you. you sound fair and intelligent, and it's not like you guys only have sex once a month... you said "we don't even have sex daily anymore". that still sounds like it's quite frequent!
i would say to talk to hubby some more, and if it's really causing a big rift, maybe go check out some counsellors in your town with him?
hope things get better for you.

 

I think this is a stage of the relationship a lot of people go through. I think it's just something you guys need to work out. I don't think there's anything wrong with you or anything. I think this is fairly normal.

There's one thing, though. It's probably a bad idea to have sex with him just to make him happy. If you do that enough, it's going to make having sex a chore, something you do because you feel you have to, and I don't think that's the desired effect.

 

Well, people might get mad at me, but sometimes when you're married or in a long term relationship, sex is a chore. I don't know how desperate he gets, but I found sometimes it was worth it in my marriage just to get my husband to shut up and go to sleep and leave me the hell alone. I'm not saying it's that bad for you, though. That only worked for a while. I guess eventually he noticed I was just trying to get it over with. Maybe the snoring gave it away.

You know what, though? It really might be your medication. Don't automatically blame yourself. Some meds powerfully affect people that way. I'm on one and I joke that at least I can focus on school and my kids now. There's no interesting men where I live, anyway. (Well, they're interesting, but not in that way.)

Don't worry too much about it. That stress will only make it worse. Someone said having more sex might make you want it more. That's probably true.

 

This may seem like a stupid question, but have you told him honestly how you feel? Like what you said here? Even if you tried, did it come out clearly or were you both too upset to communicate at the time?

I would not suggest just having sex to shut him up. 1. It is just a bandaid & does nothing to fix the problem. 2. It can make sex feel like a chore, especially since the underlying problem is not being dealt with. 3. It can wind up making him feel worse -- I don't know about your fiance, but my boyfriend would rather go masturbate than have sex without me enjoying it.

Part of it could be the medications. You said yourself that part of it could be stress. Part of it may be that he waits until you are too tired (you said he likes to stay up late) -- are you ever interested in sex earlier in the evening? If so, try to initiate something when YOU are in the mood, if he's not ready tell him not to wake you when he comes to bed.

However, part of it may be the stress of his expectations. My boyfriend & I went thru this toward the end of last semester (he is a PhD student, I was working on research for my honors thesis as well as taking difficult classes). For one thing, we lost that intimacy -- like you mentioned with the desire to make out without necessarily having it lead to sex. We didn't have much time to spend together, so we would hop directly into bed when we could spend an hour or 2 alone. He came to expect that, so when I started to not be in the mood very often, he started to get insecure, like I didn't find him attractive anymore. Which made me feel bad, so I was even less in the mood. After much discussion & some crying, we came to the conclusion that we would not have sex again until I initiated it, but we WOULD spend a romantic weekend together. We were back at it like normal before the end of the weekend, because we started to get that emotional intimacy back AND because I no longer felt pressured to have sex.

 

The BEST thing for either of you is to COMMUNICATE. You need to tell him that he should romance you and treat you like a lady, outside of him using it as foreplay... almost every girl i know in a long term relationship mentions that the boy won't just make out with them or kiss them without it leading to sex-or there being expectations of sex. Let him know that it might turn you on a little bit, if he were to approach you, surprise you and then suddenly disappear-leaving you wanting more... You should also consider getting more in touch with your inner-Goddess, The part of you that likes flowers, and pedicures and chocolate bon-bons and indulge her... maybe even masturbate on occasion in the shower independent of him so that you can re-familiarise yourself with what turns you on, not just what brings him to orgasm... It isn't just physical, its emational and spiritual (particularly in a relationship) and like all things it passes through cycles...

And there is a VERY high likelihood that these problems are due to your medications, especially if they happen to be listed as side effects.... they do cause impotence in men, but women also suffer from loss of desire as well as less sensation in certain areas... But, if you REALLY do enjoy sex with your man (even when you can't feel any physical desire yourself) possibly a glass of wine, maybe a joint (if you smoke) and a romantic setting will make it a little more meaningful for you, and not so much of a means to an end... but don't EVER do something you don't genuinely want to do, because it can foster resentment (even subconscious) that can manifest at later times as emotional outbursts or even an aversion to physical intimacy altogether...

You should also look into holistic therapy, and maybe even meditation to become more aware of what might be keeping you from feeling desire. the Kama Sutra and possibly some basic Tantra Yoga can get you back in touch with the spiritual satisfaction that comes from being joined with someone, and can maybe even enlighten HIM on how to make you feel like a lady without the final result in mind ;-)

Good Luck Chica,
And take care of yourself!

 

There have been times when I have felt like..."If I never have sex again..I'd be totally fine with that."

we have sex once a month...this is because we are both so exhausted most of the time..that sex just isnt that appealing.

what you are feeling is totally normal..and your boyfriend should respect your feelings.

but remember that sex is a big part of a relationship..it's the ultimate bond between 2 people...so perhaps you shold go to a doctor and find out if there's something wrong.

hormones?
depression?
it could be physical and correctable with vitamins or medication.

 

Usually, when meds say "may cause sexual side effects," they are referring to what you are going through. Sexual side effects mean a low libido, etc. So yeah, it very well could be the medication you're on. I would check into it and see for sure. Don't be embarrassed about it either. It's normal, and it's disrupting your relationship. Let your doctor know.

Also...you're young, and I'm assuming so is your boyfriend. Of course he's going to put an importance on sex. It's not all a relationship should be by any means, but it's still something that any two healthy people in love want to engage in! You can't blame your man for wanting to make love to you. He should respect your choices, of course (which it seems he does), but I can see where this would be frustrating for him, as well as for you.

Anyway, I suggest you see your doctor and ask him about the side effects of these meds you're on. Argh...medication can be really evil sometimes! Good luck on the situation. I hope you work it out!

 

I don't think that's abnormal at all. After living together for 2 yrs. especially. It's natural.
I don't mean to be sexist, but often guys don't realise that it is harder for women to get aroused sometimes. They are more visually stimulated, while we need to be romanced and physically stimulated. I think you should tell him just what you wrote here. Hopefully he'll be understanding and will stop blaming you and compromise on his end as well.

 

I have been with my guy for 7 years almost and he is the only man i have ever been with. I don't think I get bored with it but I can undestand not being in the mood. Especially since I am so tired from the day with the toddler most of teh time. Sometimes it takes a little effort on both your parts. Make a trip to the sex shop with your man and find something fun to help spice things up. I find that we like it when we do something out of the ordinary that kinda kick starts things for us both. Like to get back to the point where you guys are touching again and not jumping into sex a fun thing to do is blind fold you both so that you cannot see each other at all. Then you HAVE to use your bodies and hands and it becomes a more sensual thing. Or sometimes I will tell my guy to kiss me as if he has not ever kissed me before and those kisses are the best

 

Well, I'm gonna say it anyway, even so everyone here is saying the same thing.
I think it's normal. When my boyfriend and I started having sex, it was like 4 times a day too, everytime we met, we had sex. Now we're almost 2 years together and there're days we just don't do it. And we only see each other on weekends... and to be true, I sometimes also have sex only because he wants... but then in the end of it I just think: "Okay, I don't know why I didn't want...". So, don't worry, there'll be times you want it so bad, and there'll be times you don't want even think about it... I guess the think is, you just get used to it, or something.

Peace,
Louise.

 

You mention that you have sex at night. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, and we go thru phases when we don't have sex much. But something we figured out long ago is not always the same ol same ol is fun. So here is what we do to bring in the spice. We are not night only. When the mood hits we act on it. Such as a couple of weekends ago we was out kayaking. I was having a very nice day with the hubby, sitting on an island, I Got very frisky seeing him in his shorts. I started to play. He half heartly told me to stop. His body was telling me not to. After a very little while we was head for deeper water. There was other people about 50 feet from us. To us the thrill of being caught makes it even more intense. To make a long story short maybe you need to try differnt locations, positions, or maybe time a day. Break the routine. Try new things. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel sexy. Do something naughty. Next time you guys go out wear a dress with no underware on. Don't let him know until later when your out. Wisper in his ear that you are being a very naughty girl.

I did this once and it really turned me on being naughty. He could tell this in return really it turned him on. Wow. One night when he comes home be wearing nothing except a ribbon and a bow. I don't know if this helps.