You can't seem to realize, all the light from your eye's save me, and you won't feel the pain as I do, when it's come down to me without you, and I'll again be the one to dry my tears, and lord I hope it's not going to last for years, that you might see through all of my lies, and once again you may again realize, all the light from your eye's save me... remembering a time, when I thought all was mine, when all that enters is that black september, just like night I'll remember from time to time is it loss of love, or did you find another glove that shines, one that fits better than I, bleek, and loss was my cost, my dear love again I've lost, please find it in your heart to forgive, and it's all I have to wish on my side of thee door, thee most important thing I live for, can't you see it in my eye's, can you not realize, all the light from your eye's.. save me.... Devon Knight ~
black september is a really great line i love it. the rhyme schemem matches up in most point with the couplets. you could put your line breaks between your rhyming couplets for more effect. one suggestion, fix the line endings that do not have a rhyming couplet to make the poem very solid. the subject is great and great emotion. good job
Thank you for the help, I know if you heard it from me you'd have a better understanding of how I am expressing my thoughts....... It's a cry almost to a lost love, in that I'm saying save me, see me as you once did, with a light of love for me, for this is all that can "Save me". Thanks again, Devon ~
This is beautiful. The imploring to your lost love, not usually a theme that grabs me, really was moving, due to your excellent execution. But, I don't agree about line breaks between couplets. I think that'd hurt the flow. I'd say leave it as one piece, as it is.
