He lied to me...

how do you expect not to be dependent upon your boyfriend, when he wants you to move to a country you can barely speak the language and don't know anyone there? Everything you have posted in this thread screams codependency. He broke the trust that is an essential part of any healthy relationship by perpetuating a lie, not just once, but for six entire months! Do you really think you can believe anything else this boy says to you?

 

thank you for putting into words what I was thinking

 

Okay, here's what I think:

You're boyfriend is was obviously not being cruel or anything, but he did lie to you. He told you that something was taken care of when it was not. He said his mother all ready told him she would loan him money, and he did not even bring it up with her. Even naivety can't excuse that. He may have wanted something strongly, but he still lied. He didn’t lie about something small, either. He lied about something that involves a massive change in your entire life. He assumed everything would work out a certain way, so he told you it was all taken care of, but it wasn’t and it didn’t. Which makes me question whether or not he’s mature enough yet for all of this. He really doesn’t seem ready for all this responsibility.

But I do wonder how his mother didn’t find out about this sooner. You were going to borrow a large sum of money from someone without talking to her about it? That’s not a good idea. Whenever you borrow money from someone, you should actually discuss it with them.

 

he's an idealist and they seem stupid when they're teenagers but once they mature they are the kind of men that make awesome husbands. It's better that the two of you work for it together. Talk about it don't break up over it. I would def want an engagement ring over that issue though...we don't get a house togehter because you fucked up then we are going to start a life through this bitching wonderfully fat engagement ring...so ya gotta play the game a little. I'm not into mean game playing but this is clear he needs to make it up to you and assure you that things are solid type of situation.
Let us know how it goes.

 

and to above poster no-she needs a ring and a promis after this crap not a rental....the girl needs some securitiy. If a man leaves you feeling insecure because of his fuck ups and it's a serious thing it really is the only way to mend a problem because it gives you some power now...have a long engagement get to know what you want but be more than just a girlfirend...
Personally I would not ever move in with any man no matter how much I loved him without a proposal and a long engagement

 

So you are suggesting that If she were to move to a new place in the world she should do it on her own and by herself, and she should only cohabitate with people in her own town where she knows everyone?

I fail to see any codependancy just because she is willing to move somewhere new to be with the person she loves. It sounded to me like she is ready and able to take care of herself. She has been learning the language, going to school, she plans to make her own money and pay her own share of the bills. It doesn't seem that she has any unhealthy expectations of the move or the relationship. Simply making changes to be with the person you love isn't codependancy. She isn't expecting this man to be her life, she just wants to live with him.

I think you are looking at her age and making all kinds of assumptions. You see she is young, so her moving out MUST be because she hates her family, and she MUST think her boyfriend is some white knight that is going to take care of her and make everything perfect for her. Is any coupleship co-dependant to you, or just the ones where the people involved are young adults?

Here is some info on what codependance really is:
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm#whatis
http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm

 

Again, a number of points...

1-I do not "barely" speak the language...when i said i had been "practising intensely" a second language, i actually meant i was perfecting a language i already have qualifications in up to A level standard, which is, in perspective, quite high. How else do you think me and my partner have been able to communicate effectively? English is his second language.
2- Do men 27 years of age qualify for "boy" status? I dont know why you assumed he was someone young enough to be a "boy"
3-i still do not understand for the life of me why my posts "scream codependency"

We love eachother, and are currently on different sides of the channel. Thats just about the size of it.

Xx

 

^^Thank you!
I have a feeling this may be whats happening. Im not saying youre being deliberately closed-minded...but you do seem to be jumping to an awful lot of conclusions with basically no evidence to support them...and their source appears to be my young age. I realise im young, and this is a big move and change for me...ive had many long conversations with my mum about it...but i feel im ready...i feel that if i dont do this, i might regret it forever. Im ready to try...if it fails, ill come back, ill get a new plan. Where would be the big deal? For us, its worth the risk.

Xx

 

lolits an idea

 

Im about to talk to him, so ill be back later to reply to the other posters and let you know how it goes Thanks again people, i know youre all just giving your advice.

Xx

 

Verseau, he just made an assumption. He assumed his mom would give him the money. And what does assuming do? It makes an ASS out of U and ME.

So he made an ass out of himself, and you a little bit too...but I really don't think he is a liar. Imperfect, maybe, but I wouldn't call him untrustworthy because of this. Hopefully he learned a lesson, though.

Don't let little set-backs like this get you down, otherwise you'll be defeated in no time. Renting will give you a chance to make sure you like where you live, and it isn't permanant like purchasing a home will be. This will help you keep your options open, and you'll have a chance to make sure you like the situation before committing to a home purchase.

 

'Security' in your Relationship is more promises, bribes/payola, gamesmanship?
'bitching wonderfully fat engagement ring'
'play the game a little'
'gives you some power now'


verseau_miracle, you appear to have enough snap to Know better.
No doubt the less Worldy/impressionable Folks (ie: younger) don't...

I agree w/dilligaf and the others from R/L...

 

What the hell are you on about? I don't even know what you mean by a "rental", but whatever you meant, I didn't suggest it. I said that they were both being irresponsible- him for lying and making naive assuptions, her for not bothering to pick of the phone and call the person she was going to borrow money from.

Oh yeah, that's a great idea. This guy can't even borrow money right, and now you want him to plan a wedding? I can picture it now. "Honey, I know I told you I hired a really, really cheap caterer that would work for £2 an evening, but I didn't actually call anyone yet, and it turns out that even hobos don't work for that low. But I didn't really lie, because I had hoped it would work. Our guests will have to eat peanut butter. I know we have that... Honey, I don't have any peanut butter. Our guests will have to bring their own food... Honey, the problem is solved! We don't have to worry about feeding our guests because I didn't send out the invitations."

And moving to France will be a blast. "Honey, I know I told you I paid all our bills, but I didn;t actually do it yet, and it turns out that I don't get my paycheck until next week, and the electric company is going to turn off our lights if we don't pay in full by 4:00 tonight." Last I checked, the French had changed their currency to the euro, not to good intentions.

Besides, a proposal should be out of love and affection. It shouldn't be used as an apology for fucking up.

And verseau_miracle, don't think I'm attacking you or your boyfriend. I'm not. But the fact is that this whole situation should be a red flag for you. Is this the right thing for you guys now? How do you know this kind of thing is not going to happen again? You guys have a lot to work out before you can think about living together.

 

Uhm, im not sure i fully understood this one...
But if you mean my response to lynseys remark, that was just a bit of light relief from what has been quite serious and heavy stuff...it was just light humour.

 

LMFAO!!

On a more serious note- instead of taking your bf word for it that the loan was under control, you really should have talked to his mother first hand about it. At least to thank her profusely!! That is what others were saying about taking responsibility for YOUR life. Don't let important decisions rest in the hands of others. Even though he said it was taken care of, do your equal part and get information about it-no matter what the decision is about.

 

it is his actions that make him a boy, not his age. Stillravenmad has the right idea - what does the future look like with this person? More dreams and empty promises? There's a huge difference between making things happen and saying "I was going to..." and not doing anything at all. He lied to you because he wanted something from you. You are the only one who knows what that is or was, are you going to continue to give it to him?


And I know what codependency is, it's those who are in it that don't.

peace,
and good luck with your life, you're gonna need it.

 

that's life man, that's life.

 

Go to france, without him