i dont even know what this is, a mess

every evening
five o clock rolls a round
like the hand on the clock
that i watch
like the earth that spins
blessing us
after every darkness
with a new day.

and i catch myself waiting
again
this seems to have become
a hobby of mine
to get my hopes up and keep track of time.
maybe i take pleasure in this pain.
somewhere there is pleasure
i just misplaced it,
for a moment...has gone by.
and still no sign of him.
i give in.


you know.. i wanted to write more about the this, and about how hard i try, how i count every god damn day that goes by without having him at my side, how i cross off the blocks on my calendar, how i buy expensive paints and markers, only to find myself creating masterpieces of his favorite artists...how i faithfully call him every day, excited only to know that hes still breathing, only to hear the monotone voice at the other end of the line, maybe its the end of my line. Maybe I should write instead about how sick i've been, how sore and tired my body has been how ive been confined for 5 days now to my own bed, how on top of that my back aches and my internal cycle dropped in to drop me just one step lower, while i've been immobile and useless, unable to study for my finals tomorrow i'm almost too sure i'll fail at this point without preparation...and how hard i tried to be optimistic, to make a joke about my throat making it impossible to swallow .. back these tears that are just now coming....not for the congestion, the estrogen, not for the waste of all of my work up until this point. but for this god damned monotone voice at the end of the line, who i love, too much, i think it might be time i just give up, get tough, and let go of this sorrow.

god dammit why does this hurt so much more than everything else i have to deal with right now. it just doesnt make sense. he always tells me that every things okay, i just dont believe him.

i think my emotions are overflowing, i apologize for this mess of a post i just left, when i stop bleeding, i'm sure my mind will be more level.

 

i think the long distance thing is killing me

 

"Abscence makes the Heart grow fonder", I've heard it said. Understanding your plight, however, I can only grimace a bitter smile at that bit of doggerel, conjured as it was by those who had no Heart, and even less libido. The "Agony of Defeat" is only ever consoled by the "Thrill of Victory".

Yet, herein lies the root of the Tree which might bear you aloft from the Pit of Despair: that both Defeat and Victory are equally transitory, and, to the dismay of those who seem to crave misery as it were alike some strange and wonderful drug, they are also complimentary.

If all else fails, you can sneer and retort: "Rommi, you are a presumptuous ass! Shutup!" Maybe that will make you feel better.

 

Enjoyed the whole sharing. Sounds like your going through quite a bit of emotional intensity. Do you get to see each other often... how did you meet... has the monotone happened just recently?

 

we see eache other... i guess every month and a half...
i'll see him in two days hes picking me up from the air port, i live in portland now for school and hes in pa where i'm moving back to at the beginning of summer.

we met through a friend when i lived at home... and the monotone.. yeah its new i just feel like, i mean, i dont think its someone else, ijust dontknow what, like i think its just really hard to keep the interest and trust and everything being so far away.. i talked to him today and he seemed more normal , perhaps he was just having a couple bad days all in a row. I dont know, i'm menstruating and paranoid, but i still feel like i always put in way more effort but thats my fault.. I dont even know. what i'm doing. its so confusing.