please help, relationship breakup :(

Hi, i hope you can help me regarding this situation i am in.

I met a girl in november last year on a depression forum. I am 34 years old and she is 20, i know the age gap is quite steep, however, she prefers older guys and also for her age she is very mature. Age was never the problem.

The reason why we were on the forum was because she suffers from major Panic Attacks, where as i have a serious confidence issue and insecurities due to my divorce from a 15 year mariage, so of course i would be feeling depressed. Even though i am over the divorce, i was left with how bad i was feeling about myself.

In getting to know her, it became clear that we really did like each other until we got to the point where we had to meet. We fell crazily in love, she is so lovely, more than i ever wanted in a person... We met up and had a great time, she stayed with me a couple of times, nearly 2 weeks in total...

She has never had a boyfriend before me, i was her first one and was also sexually her first partner.

But as with everything, there were problems and i think maybe they were all down to me, that is why i wanted an opinion and some advice..

During the time when we were still getting to know each other, she asked me if i had joined up to any dating agencies. Now, knowing that she's a very sensitive person and has a jealousy problem, i panicked and said that i did not, but only now i realise this was a very big mistake because she has since found out i had signed to a few (she browsed my laptop) and she found some links to dating agencies. I used to use them many many months ago *way before i met her* but i had actually stopped using them, i just wasn't really that bothered to be honest. The most i would do anyway would be to just reply to a match, chat to them a couple of times and then thats it really. I've actually never dated one from any of these sites. A lot of it really was done out of curiosity, i was not actively looking anyway because i had just gone through a divorce, but it's just one of the things i tried, more out of curiosity.

I am a very insecure person, especially when it comes to relationships now. I was married for 15 years prior to this relationship, and a lot of the time i felt so overwhelmed that i was in love again, almost like i could not believe it and that it felt that she was too good to be true and was almost waiting for her to change her mind... when she was not around, i felt lonely and would often say stupid things on forums such as "oh, im so so lonely all i really wanted is someone to be with and cuddle up to at night". She read this and took it very badly, she now also thinks she isn't enough for me, when i tried to tell her that i am trying to get over the insecurities of the past.

She browsed my laptop last Saturday when i was at work.. She found all the above information, and she messaged me saying i was a liar and she didn't know me anymore. She really did not give me a chance to explain, and every time i tried to tell her something, she called me a liar each time... it made me so panicky because i felt i was losing her with how she was reacting... in the end, she said she was leaving, and before i had a chance to try and see her face to face, she called a taxi to the train station and went back home... i was totally devastated....

I got a couple of text messages later that day, indicating really that she did'nt want me anymore.. i was then asked by her friend that i should stay away from her to give her time to think what she really wants to do...

it's been 4 days now and ive not heard a thing.... she has since deleted me from her MSN friends list...

All this is indicating to me that i will never hear from her again...

This is really devastating to say the least. When we were together, it was perfect, she was so so happy and she had said she had never felt like that before.

I don't know if what i have done is such a terrible thing to warrant being dropped from a high place, or am i just being too harsh on myself and that she has taken things a little out of proportion. I just don;t know what to do and i dont know what to think.. i just cry all the time, just begging for a chance to tell her im so sorry and that i love her so much and would never do anything to hurt her...

Is there still any hope here? Will she contact me ever again? I don;t know what she is feeling apart from hurt, but what is she feeling towards me? What can i do?

It's amazing though, it seems to have fallen apart after the first hurdle. Surely a test of a true and growing relationship is to try and work through problems, because there's always going to be some, no matter what they are... i don't know, maybe im wrong in thinking this...

Thank you for listening and take care everybody

 

i just have to say in the first place... isnt it funny how being "taken off a buddy list" and "text messages" are the way peopel communicate now? but anyways...

i dont really know what to say here. the ball is in her court, you should give her space to think if thats what she wants instead of you crowding her. the complicated thing is does she really want you to? sometimes girls do this so they CAN be chased. and no, you shouldnt have lied. but considering the way youve told your story on here, i beleive you deserve to explain yourself to her.

either she realized that maybe shes not teh one for you and this was the last straw. or maybe shes getting attatched in a way she never imagined (you said you were her first for everything) and she doesnt know how to react to that, so shes freaking out. either way, follow your heart. if you LOVE teh girl, chase her. but consider this: do you miss HER or simply the fact that she responded to you in a positive way during a sensitive time for you? find what you really want and go after it.

 

Hi Diet, thank you so much for your reply.

I understand what you are saying about chasing and going for it, but i really do believe the best course of action here is just to leave her alone completely and allow her the freedom and space to make up her own mind, to find it in her heart to really know what she wants, if she is able to forgive, and more importantly, what would make her happy again.. after all, i messed up and not her, so she is the one that needs to find out what she really wants, its not about what i want because i was the one that caused this in the first place.

i love her so much, i miss her dearly and i would do anything to have her back... but i have to think of her now, and all i want for her is for her pain to subside, for her to find peace and happiness again, and if that means without me, then i am just as happy, as long as she is OK... i love her too much to care about me....

Take care

 

Offer her to do some lines of coke. Women put out faster while under the influence.

 

you are sincere, and thats great. everything will turn out fine! :

 

hi im kind of in the same situation your in the only thing i can tell you is be stong and keep your head up...hopefully things will go your way and she'll come back to you. do you know her address? if you do write her letter and explain yourself tell her everything dont leave anything out and dont lie to her....good luck....pece and love

 

See it from her point of view. She fell in love with some guy she was talking to on the internet that she came to trust so much that she met up with him (big risk for women) - only to find out he had lied about communications with other girls on the internet, and was reaching out for affection from other women in forums. I mean, if you are going to hook up online with her, and convince her that SHE is the ONE you are interested in, but then she sees a bunch of dating services on your laptop (which you lied about) and a bunch of romantic puppy dog talk to other's on forums, then why should she trust you? She is gonna feel like you wern't just persuing her, but multiple women this way. She was talking a big risk as it is, and it showed signs of blowing up in her face. Can you blame her for acting any other way than she has?

Not trying to be harsh, but you may have done yourself in on this one. Honesty is always the best policy in a lasting relationship, lying from the beginning is usually a deal-breaker. It sucks, but at least it isn't a wasted experience if you learn something from it.

 

Hi again, and thanks so much for all your comments.

Sera, it was not quite as dramatic as that because i never used the dating agencies hardly, and even more so never touched them AFTER i met her... as for other forums, it was just 1 other forum, it was a depression forum, and i was not posting romantic stuff, but i posted things regarding how lonely i was feeling EVEN though i was with this girl...

But the bottom line is the honesty issue, that's still the same, really no matter what i did, the issue of Honesty was at question, and as much as i feel this "could" have been resolved, i think she will chose not to.. so yes, it's an experience i will learn from no doubt.. no matter how sincerely sorry i am, i don't think that's going to save us really...

Thanks again