parents that control your relationships

I wondered if you could offer me a little advice on this subject, or perhaps just give me your point of view. I met a young girl about 5 years ago, our friendship has been a little on and off since, but we got back together about 15 months ago. She's 27 now, she lives at home with her parents who she adores. They are a very close knit family and she (perhaps rightly) still see's her parents as the most important people in her life.
The family has their own business and their daughter is required to help out by putting her own time into helping out with the parents business as well as holding down a full time job herslelf. My girlfriend is the only one of the family who has a car and so provides the sole family transport. At least one day a week is set aside for spending time with the family and this usually 'cannot' be altered. I don't wish to appear biased on this, so I'll just try to state the facts and see what comments you can make. She has to ring her parents when she gets to wherever she's going, needs to 'check in' if she's not rung for a while too. Her parents will wait up if she's coming home late, and won't sleep till she's home. There's a rule of 'no sex before marriage' and her parents will frown at any comment of nudity or sexual behavoir. Sleeping in the same bed is not allowed. I don't think her parents are religious, and I'm sure they're only trying to protect their only child. She's commented on not beeing able to imagine living away from her parents as they 'need her there' but did say that she'd be happy to live elsewhere when she meets the right man.
Boyfriends have come and gone in the past, some of which lasted a few years or so and then they drifted apart. She's commented on how she doesn't have much luck when it comes to lads.
I've got to the point now where I'm very close to her, I know she has a great interest in bieng intimate and we've had great fun together....it's just that we've simply got to that stage where it's the only next natural step in our.....well it's not even a relationship is it yet ?
I'll finaly make the point that I feel most of her actions are bieng governed by her parents, she's happy enough to jump in the same bed...just as long as her parents don't find out ! - should you take this much notice of your parents at this sort of age ? - and is it not likely that this is going to cause many more relationships to fail ?



Feel free to copy the following questions into your reply :-



Is she likely ever to get married with these attitudes ?

What advice would you give to me ?

What advice would you give to her ?

what advice would you give to her parents ?





P.S - Interestingly enough, I have a CBR600 motorbike, it'll do 150mph and 0-60 in 3.6 seconds - Do here parents worry about her going on the back of the motorbike ? .........erm, no actually they don't mind at all ! -

 

I can sympathise with you. My family were/are very much like hers.
My sister escaped when she got married at 21 but not me, I'm still
stuck here and being the youngest doesn't help.
Look at my signature line and you'll see what I mean.

 

Perhaps they're the kind of parents who had kids as a form of security for their old age, some are like that, my dad was. When he discovered I wouldn't ask "how high" when he said "jump", he got married again. Didn't speak to my kids or myself for the last ten years of his life. His loss. The solution is in her hands and yours wolfie. My take is, loving is letting go, that way you'll keep the love of the person in question forever.

 

Just a thought, but, could this stuff be down to your girl and not her parents. I mean my mother would have been far more concerned about the bike. Because she has a relationship or marries doesn't mean she has to stop seeing or helping them. Maybe her parents will always be the most important people in her life, maybe that's how she likes it.

 

It's time for Capn_Danger to transform into Blunt Mode *whrrrr-click-cha-chack*. Here we go!

Is she likely ever to get married with these attitudes ?

Heh, it's a lot less likely. Anyone who marries her will also be marrying her parents. That's not acceptable to most people. And for good reason!

What advice would you give to me ?

Be honest with her. (See below.) If she isn't willing to grow some figurative balls and take her independence into her own hands, you need to decide whether or not you're comfortable being in that situation. If not, lay it out for her- move out on her own and grow up (maybe not with you, it sounds like she needs to learn to be indepedent for a while first), or you won't be able to continue seeing her romantically.

What advice would you give to her ?

You're 27 years old! When you become an adult (and you definitely are at 27), you become an equal with your parents. I can't stress that enough! You still love and respect them, sure, but they have no right to tell you what to do, who to sleep with, to demand you check in with them, or even to demand you help them out with their business (though that is a good thing for you to do if you're able, but they have no right to demand, only to ask).

Move out right now (seriously, look for an apartment today), tell your parents you still love and respect them, but that you're an adult and you'll live your life however you want, and they need to accept that. If you can do that, good for you, and you'll be happier because of it! If you can't do that, then you're not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone, really, and it probably means you've got some fairly serious issues to work through. In that case, book an appointment to see a counsellor to help you make the changes to need to make in your life. I'm dead serious here!

what advice would you give to her parents ?

Lay off! You have no right to tell your daughter what to do, demand she check in, or any of the other crap you're trying to pull. You're stifling your daughters growth and preventing her from becoming a mature, indenpendent adult, and her long term happiness is going to suffer for it. It's time to let go.

Well, thats it. I hope that was helpful. It's possible that some people might be offended if you follow my advice, but the truth can hurt, and life changes can be frightening, even if theyre for the best. Best of luck in this dude, you've got your hands full!

 

Well said Capn, I thought most of that, but I reckon when it comes to choosing, she'll plump for her parents. Think if I were Paul I'd be bracing myself and get ready to move on. Anyway, good luck!

 

If I'm honest, I think she would be likely to stick with her parents too. And I can say that because that is exactly what I would do if a woman said to me "stand up and be counted as an individual or we can't be together" - I take the view that its not really her fault - our parents educate us and raise us to their standards and unless you rebel against them (and not everyone does) then you are going to accept what they say. I did that and I wouldn't do anything to upset my mother (my only living parent now) and that includes effectively leaving her on her own to deal with issues that as a wife, she didn't have to handle!

 

I know what you're saying wolfie, hard to shake off that kind of upbringing. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to yours. Lived with his mother for many years after his dad died, basically taking on most of the household chores as well as holding down a job. There were times when he resented her as he had no life of his own, everything had to be done to her order.

Anyway she passed on five years ago and I hadn't seen much of him until just before Christmas. Couldn't believe the change, he's living the life now that he's always wanted, friends, parties, holidays even got a criminal record - nothing bad - that secretly he's proud of. He told my daughters to never let anything or anybody stand in the way of them doing what they want - haha, something I've always said.
I'm so happy that he's finally gotten where he wants to be. Good luck to you too wolfie!!

 

A lot of that reflects my life but I'm not 100% sure that when my time comes to be on my own I will have the confidence to do anything. I'm really pleased that your friend managed it though.

 

And i cant stress enough how right this gentleman is! All adults are equal...parents dont have "rights" just because they happened to be the ones to bring you into this world...when youre an adult, parents should be like friends to you. I know my mother is, and im considerably younger.

Some people seem to have a completely different mentality, though. I really dont understand it. Why would you want to remain a child, living a half life? And why, if you were a parent, wouldnt you want to see the results of all your hard work, and see your sons or daughters progress and succeed as adults? Parents who do this are disabling young adults, and the sons and daughters who put up with it are wasting the abilities, the freedom, the lives they were blessed with. Lives the parents fought so hard for.

Xx

 

My boyfriend has problem with his father. His father told him that he has to do everything he and his mom will say if he want to stay at home.
They dont like me (and the sad thing is - they dont even know me) and they wnat to ruin our relationship

 

I don't think ANYONE wants to remain a child, thats not the case with me.
Some parents want to protect their children even when they are not children anymore. If you've been raised to listen to your parents and live by their rules then it makes it difficult to break away from that.
I am in that situation and yes it sucks, I'd like to do the things that others do and make mistakes and learn from them but that's not been an option for me.
You might think I'm crazy and maybe I am but I put the happiness of my parents (actually only one parent living now) over that of myself and will continue to do so.

 

Is she likely ever to get married with these attitudes ? fuck yeah. The harder they are in the family the easier they are to crack. Seeing that she does so much with the family try and help out as much as you can to show to the parents that you are trying to be a responsible and roleplaying gentleman. Showing the parents how you act and respond to helping out in any type of situation in doing the best that you can to help anyway you can.

What advice would you give to me ? (See above)

What advice would you give to her ? If he cares about you that much let him help you. Abviously he wants to spend time with you if that means work then so be it.

what advice would you give to her parents ? Relax, sooner or later your daughter is gonna be married and out of the house. You cannot hold on forever.

 

First of all, I think a few things have the potential to run a little skewed. I can agree with the second paragraph but I absolutely DISAGREE on the issues of "rights".

Every parent has the right to know about their child but by exercising discretion, are more likely to allow that child to grow and mature.

A son or daughter at 27 is NOT equal to their parents, in experience and in years. Adults are NOT equal either. I have seen some pretty darn immature 30 year olds who like to think they are adults. They're nothing but 3 year olds in an adult suit.

To the threadstarter, have you even approached the matter in a serious discussion with the girl? Your entire conclusion about her wanting to jump into bed with you is based on YOUR assumption. She may want to have nothing to do with you in that sense.

You can venture the sneaky way, or you can present yourself to her parents and prove to them and her that you are willing to walk through the fire just to be with her, NOT only in her bed.

Placing myself in her shoes:
There is no way in hell I would consider a man who would seek to cause disruption and chaos in my life, pitting myself against my family.

You can either be one of the best things that's ever happened in her life, or you can be a sleezeball and an arse. You choose.

 

Paul; Are you ready to "pop the question" ? Or do you want to remain Bf / Gf on a more intimate basis ? This sounds like a Vy traditional family. Are they immigrants?

When you form a relatinship, you get the entire package, parents siblings cousins you know. Perhaps you need to get to know the folks bettter.

She is in a curious situation. She could just declare independence and move on to her own job and residence, but it appears that the folks are dependent on her. So they have a strong hold.

If The folks really need her for transport and the business, they should be prepared to grant some independence as she approaches 30 years old. Perhaps the "dependence" is just a mechanism to hold her close. You need to figure this before proceeding.

Is her family nice ?