Am I gay?

Hello,

I am a 21 year old male confused about his sexuality. Because my situation is somewhat complex, I feel that it is only fair to start with some history/background info:

As far back as I can recall, my preference has been towards girls, but exclusively in a sadistic/dominating S&M context. I used to try to spank my grandmother when I must have been about six (she gave me a ball to hit instead, but I told her that it just wasn't the same), and I used to enjoy tying up and spanking another toddler friend of mine. I had plenty of SM fantasies about dominating women before I ever knew what sex was. In fact, when I had to take sex-ed in grade nine, the notion of intercourse made me physically unwell to the point where I had to bring a juice-box or two to suck on to keep from passing out (biology in general and any talk of the interior of the human body tended to have this kind of effect on me).

To complicate matters further, my family immigrated from the former USSR to the West when I was around nine years old, and it was an incredibly difficult adjustment with one of the hardest bumps being getting used to the western notions of personal space and homophobia. As a result, I went from being a very physical child to one that was extremely tense, and homophobic. I had ticks for a few years and was very weird from later primary school to almost the end of high school. Kind of depressed too in the high school period.

I also became addicted to computer games somewhere in that window. Then, around grade nine, I was trying very hard to quit, but only ended up shifting my addiction to S&M porn instead - I was rather delighted with this discovery as up till then I did not think that other people had similar interests.

As a result of these various factors I never thought that I could actually date girls (having serious self-esteem issues on top of this), though I did have many (often obsessive) crushes during this whole time, the last serious one being in the Summer after grade 12. Curiously, when I had a crush on a girl I could not place her into my sexual fantasies as their inherently cruel and degrading nature was incompatable with my adoration of the love object.

To boot, my dependence on the porn became increasingly extreme, to the point that I could be aroused under no other circumstances. To further complicate matters, my masturbational style had to that point always been such as to avoid any kind of manual contact with the penis preferring to keep the latter bent and stimulated near the base rather than the tip. In fact, the tip for me, is not an erogenous zone at all - it is quite numb. I have only ejaculated once, and the rest of the times, the stuff just kind of leaked out after. A friend of mine had since convinced me to reform my ways and switch to using hands (this was what caused the lone ejaculation to my great surprise at the time), which was quite the hurdle.

Through high school, repressed homosexuality wasn't really on my radar, and though other people seemed to think I was gay, I could never think that thought, much less take it seriously. Recently, however, that has changed due to several events:

For one, I had several great opportunities to have sex with girls in my first few years of university, but I was too thick to understand that this is what they wanted, and I did not feel the attraction/chemistry.

In fact, chemistry is probably the big issue here - only about a year and a half ago, I finally felt sufficiently self-confident and socially adjusted to try to get with girls. What resulted was the commission of all the standard rookie errors, and a severe build-up of frustration. I managed to quit the porn (for a while, then I got back on it, and now am off it again -- its hard), and after a couple of months I was getting hard-ons around girls who were not generated by a computer. Then there was this one girl who I managed to date for a couple of weeks - intellectually we were on the same wavelength, physically, she gave me a hard on when I saw her, but there was no chemistry, I never felt the urge to kiss her (my first kissing experience) and it was more of a chore. We never did get naked together and split up on friendly terms. A few months later, I somehow ended up in bed with this slightly chubby girl, she was reall y interested in me, but I could not get it on at all. It just felt comical, and I did not like her smell at all. Then, a few months after that, another girl picked me up, she was really interested in me as well, and wanted to try everything -- at first I was aroused, but I could not keep it up. We did have sex, but the penis-in-vagina part was franky boring for me. There was no power-struggle... and because she was the one who had picked me up, if anyone was in a position of power, it was her. She ended up coming like a hose, but, though we did it twice, neither time did I manage to have a decent orgasm.. only the third time, where I was basically humping her with the top (not the tip) of my shaft, which I was a lot more into, and my being into it was what turned her on.

This brings us very close to the present. As it is, I don't know what I want anymore. When I reflect, I admit that there have been moments where I have secretely cried at the departure of certain male friends from my life. I have also been noticing that I can feel the presence of males a lot more acutely, when they walk into the room, or if I look at them. Its a chemistry/energy thing. With girls, as far as my internal feelings go, its like there's nothing there. However, only girls give me hard-ons, mind you, not that often (possibly owing to an excess of masturbational activity, though no-longer porn-related). In the last few months, I have also observed in myself a desire to kiss men, and, from time to time, an unsettling sensation suggestive of desire in my anal cavity. I also have plenty of repressed rage, which sometimes comes out if I drink too much. Oh, and I do have some feminine tendencies and did try trading shirts with a girl when I was drunk the other day.

I still feel physically attracted to girls, but emotionally attracted to guys. Still, the only thing that is a sure turn on for me is a girl in an SM situation. I am reluctant to accept homosexuality because I dread the notion of giving up the beautiful (yet not good smelling) bodies of women.

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge of similar cases? I really don't know what to do: all I know is that, though I've come amazingly far, given where I was a few years ago, my life still makes no sense and has little real happiness in it.

Other things that fucked me up as a child were terrifying enemas (I must have been around 7), a passive father, and an extremely dominant mother... I think my SM fetish (build aroudn the degredation of powerful women) is largely a fleshing out of my wanting to put her in her place. I have tried having therapy in the past, but I never really stuck it through past a few sessions, and it didn't seem that productive. I know this is probably one of the more fucked-up stories out there, and I thank you for your attention and your comments.

 

OH MY GOD!!! You could be me! Seriously, everything you described is me! Where do I even begin? I even went to a psychiatric hospital to try to figure out why my fantasies with women always involve control and pain. And I feel emotionally involved with men more than women too. Jesus this is scary. Literally every single word you typed, except coming from the CCCP, could have been me writing. Even that is similar: I come from French Louisiana, and I am French-Spanish. I have European notions of personal space, interaction, food, wine, leisure, etc. I think I might be gay too, or at least bi. Tell me more about yourself!

 

You don't get hard-ons about guy's so your not gay. Being gay is being sexually attracted to your same sex. From what you described I don't get that impression.

Damn, and I was really hoping that you'd tie me up and call me dirty names.

 

lol...I, on the other hand, get hot thinking about sucking a cock.

 

I'm pretty sure no one else is going to be able to tell you if you're gay or not. It seems that you're more interested in having a relationship with a woman, you just need to figure out how to do so normally. From the way you described the sexual encounters you have had, you weren't necessarily interested in these girls. You made it sound like THEY wanted YOU and not vice versa. Is this true? Remember, attraction is not the same as interest. Some people simply can't have a good sexual experience with someone they do not care for. It is certainly possible to shift your sexual interests. Perhaps if you meet a girl that you are very interested in as a person and you get to know her well and you attempt a very caring, nurturing sexual experience with her, things will go differently for you. It doesn't sound to me like you are gay though. It simply sounds like, because of your past, you seem to relate better to other men on an emotional level. Do you think that perhaps when you recognize certain personality traits in women that resemble those of your mother, you might then connect that woman to your mother, keeping your attraction to her from progressing? Just some thoughts.

 

hahahah i know THAT feeling, not the other stuff that the main topic is about but Ive had some threads on more of what you just said, i get hot thinking about a cock in my mouth but, eh who knows if im gay or not

 

actually i just kind of feel like I want to be used by a guy to get his cock off and then leave me, treat me like shit treat me like a whore and blow his cum all over my pretty little face !!!!!!! maybe i am!

 

Fuckingbaaad - that's exactly how I feel...i want a guy to treat me like shit...and then fuck the hell out of all of me..

 

Well, the damn forum just deleted my message, so here is a concise retype of it:


Maybegay - its funny that you say that because when I read your post (before I posted mine), I could also kind of related and was thinking that thats definitely not where I want to be in ten years time. Did you get any good insights about SM and psychology at the asylum.

Silly Angel - I think your point is very good, it is ridiculous of me to ask others whether I am gay or not. The problem is that I really don't want to be gay, but I can't keep living this empty life that I have either. I am also afraid that if I experiment with men, that might further *determine* my sexual orientation, rather than *uncover* it. Could this be the case?

Another problem is that you are completely right in asserting that I want a relationship with a woman. The problem is that all the evidence thus far suggests that I can't have one. Hard-ons are rare (I could even stay erect when I was having sex with that one girl), and chemistry is non-existent. My crushes are always on perfect and perfectionistic women who I respect and thus cannot subject to my disrespectful fantasies. Actually, there is a good example with this one girl who was really gorgeous and perfect and cute and admirable and everything... but I neither gor aroused around her nor did I find any chemistry with her at all. I really wanted to want her, but didn't know how. With men, its more like I'm sitting on a bus, and a face just *attracts* me, I feel something... I may think that the guy is ugly and I may judge the whole occurance as repulsive, but it is undeniable, and very rare with women.

Also, I often find that sexual situations with women are not only awkward, but also comic... a few years back some friends of mine bought me a lap dance - I was not aroused, and took it as an opportunity to practice my french which she spoke.

The problem with homosexuality, however, is that it only appeals to me insofar as it allows me to be feminine and casts me in that role... but femininity and submission are 100% antithetical and repulsive to the domination fetish which has dominated me my whole life.

I guess a lot of this is just me ranting... but my current question is: would it be dangerous for me to experiment with men, in the sense that it might make me gay (if I otherwise am not)?

Also, I apologize if the homosexual public is offended by my extreme desire not to find myself as one of its members - this is my problem and not a value judgement.

 

Yeah I did get some insights at the hospital. I realized that my hatred of women began with my mother's overprotecting me and then divorcing my dad, and then that led to problems with relationships until I was actually setting myself up for failure.

 

hahah then maybe we could just take turns. lol

 

The original poster is mentally sick (thats no crime) but for the safety of himself and especially the safety of women around him - he needs to seek professional help and counciling while getting his shit together and not accomodating these sick fantasies.
Seriously.
Be a good man and go get help for this.
Its the very best thing you can ever do for yourself and others.

 

I think the bit about spanking his grandmother was truly bizarre.

 

I'd say it's too late for hospital. An exorcism is clearly called for.

(I feel dirty saying it, but I would at least partly agree. In this case, and in my entirely unprofessional opinion, the less sexual liberation the better.)

 

ehahaha SC that totally cracked me up

To the OP: sexuality is so confusing. I don't think that at this point having gay fantasies or actually hooking up with guys will cement or influence your sexual orientation. You may not find an understanding of this situation for a long time, however I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you look for answers.

 

yeah but if you just suck a few dicks then decide it hasnt cemented your sexuality and you decide to take the straight path, no pun, then wouldnt always being "ashamed" youve had another mans cock in your mouth bother you forever as a straight man?

 

Why would it? I've shat myself in public a few times, but I wouldn't let that stop me from using the toilet ever again.

 

K that was a thoroughly stupid metaphor, SC.

and Fuckingbad, it depends how much pride/ego you have. Also, this guy could just go with being bisexual.

 

True though. I mean, it's not like I got off on shitting myself or anything. But at least I can say I tried it and it wasn't for me.

 

Yeah.. and there's actually a percentage of the population that enjoys it? *raises eyebrow, unimpressed*

I want to add to my last post, let's say that he nevers goes and gets with some guys, and decides to live an absolute 'straightlife.' He still may be bothered forever.