My big conffesion(please read and reply)

I wrote this for therapy just a while ago. It was just suposed to get the idea that i like this girl off my chest but it turned into somthing more than that. I changed her Name to "emma" for the hipforums verson.

Emma Emma I LOVE EMMA!!Emma I see you cry some times. Why are you sad? You are one of the best people I have every met. And yet you have suffered emotionally and mentally. I could never feel your pain but I have felt something close to it. Please don’t hurt yourself. Leave that man you don’t seem to trust and come to me Emma. Please I’m very very very alone. I shall never know love. Because I am reduced to this. Writing a letter that you shall never get. Go to your happiness and leave me behind where I belong. Yes Emma even you will never get me. I am not of this race. I am not human, though I share the collective unconscious with them. Emotionally I am alone forever. Maybe if Jehovah lets you into paradise I’ll see you and your boy friend laughing together again. Then again I am not even worthy of paradise. I am too independent for that. I hate myself and I hate this society in which I live. I love you Emma. I hate MTV. I hate the art I make. None of it lives up to my vision. I hate my comfy house and my own hands. I hate this computer. I hate almost everything. Except You, Mom, Dad, God (though he hates me), Candy, videogames, and art in general and my visions of it. Calm clam calm. Ok so I don’t hate that much. I’m just in a bad mood. What do I really hate? I hate MTV. I hate School. I hate suffering. I hate fake people. I hate sex. I wish I were Asexual. That way I would not like anyone and nothing would cloud my mind. But I like girls. Mainly you Emma. To bad none of them will ever like me. Yes in a year even my lust and love for you will die down. I hate begin a teenager. I don’t care how many years closer to death if I were an adult. The teen years are wasted years anyway. You have no freedom even though your human. Why am I sad? I am not starving in Africa. Curse Capitalism. Or should I be thanking it? I think I might be a Red. Or at least an inactive one. Communism will never work anyway. But that’s why I like it. Heck if I’m going to say that I’ll say I’m an anarchist. That won’t work as well. I’ll settle for Theocracy. That CAN work. God. God hates me. I’ll tell you why. Because I am too independent. I question everything the org says because I know that they to interpret the bible to make sense. They are supposed to have the Holy Sprit though. Don’t all religions claim that though? Oh Buddhism just makes more sense to me. I don’t like saying “people are evil just because they have premarital sex” or “People are evil just because they are of another religion.” “People are evil just because they are gay.” Then one would say to me “God forgives.” Yes he forgives the little things. He forgives masturbation, he forgives the state of begin gay (though not gay sex and marriage.), he forgives any and all entertainment we watch. Yes your herd me right Emma. ALL entertainment is bad. Sinful= Fun. Except for sports, maybe. Those have steroids and patriotism in them. Art in its purest form may not be sinful but you just end up putting sin onto the page. Otherwise they story is boring. The org is right THE WORLD IS WICKED!EVERY WHERE YOU GO SIN SIN SIN! You see god forgives this. But deliberate acts like sex, kill, drugs, choosing to follow another religion, all this is very bad. But what would make it even worse for you is if you were a JW first in full knowledge that it was bad. Like say…me. But I just question it. I see it as more open. Most religions are paths to the same god. Yeah that’s what I would more than likely believe. But when you have grown up with this stuff its hard to just simply say “No I don’t think that is true.” When I get out of school? Well… I’ll go to college. Then…I’ll travel Kerouac/Guthrie style. If I mange to keep my JW views I’ll go to Bethel and become an official JW. Maybe learn Chinese and preach in Asian for 2 years. Then I’ll live in a city, small apartment, simple nothing to materialistic. Just enough to live happy, and write books, and if I need to pay bills (which I will damn capitalism) I’ll work in some geeky/gothic comic shop. I love misfits. I am one. However I am different in an ineffable way from them as well. Then I’ll die and be buried under the tree in our back yard. I’ve always felt closest to nature there. Thanks Emma I really needed to say all this. I love you.

 

Congratulations. I am here to tell you to visit www.marxist.com . Some people may never become less greedy, but all we need for Marxism is to eliminate private property, which is in the best interest of the vast majority of the population (now how do we get them to realize that? Once we do the revolution will start). I hate capitalism.

You should seriously check out existentialism.

Now for this girl... what advice could I give... what should you do... hmmm..... FUCKING ASK HER OUT! I assume you know her. Its better to get rejected than to never say anything.

 

The JW church destroys the inner beauty of their youth, and strives to create an alammgamized androcentric culture. The world is full of wonderful things. Religions that teach you self hate are not one of them.

I sincerly hope you find a path in life that allows you to be a part of your internal self. IM if you like.

 

The world outside made me hate myself as I see myself as a burden to those around me. My religon only raised me when I was down.

 

Don't mind if it comes off as scornful but for a note to emma you don't write much about her. Your religious ideas seem to come from being left out of the enjoyable sinful world then your hatred of it. From what you have written it seems jealousy leads you to side to idea that enjoyment is sin. Your confession of what exactly you idea how to make a perfect world or you feelings about emma. i'll re-read and write the exact statements.

 

Ahh its not worth the time to write off on it, but religion clounds the path to enlightenment, No point in thinking about the afterlife just focus on the now, Personally, there is no good or evil just consequences

 

Your religion gives you a place where you can feel a part of something. Nothing wrong with that. What exactly happened to leave you "down" and how did being a JW "raise" you?

 

This may sound odd... but you sound like a cool person!

Personally religion sucks for me! I don't believe that just cause someone is gay, not a member of that particuallr religion, watching tv etc.... Should make someone go to this place "hell" or make them a bad person! Indepedance is good, but sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on, be angry on, wipe our boogers on... what ever. This "Emma" girl sounds like you really like her...but have you even talked to her? Maybe you should try that if you like her so much... Even though she has a boyfriend doesn't mean you can't at least be friends. Don't let her go to your head...it can mess you up! And human is basically a tyoe of animal... your a human which you can't deny. But your not like everyone else which makes you.. you! You have your own personality your own morals your own thoughts, which makes you.... who you are. Which makes everyone who they are. Misfits I guess you could call people who don't fit in. But really who fits in...? I know I sure as hell don't fit in.... WHo can honestly say they fit in? Who even wants to fit in? I understand being alone sucks and I know what you mean. But from exsperince things can be hard for quit a while, but something good will happen.