This is something I wrote after a particularly bad breakup. I hope you all have the patience to read through it I was forever trying to find my place in the world Always alone, even in a crowd among the masses Standing outside the door to reality peering through the keyhole Then you appeared in the window and for the first time I knew I was real And I felt like Juliet the first time she saw Romeo I remember... Running through the long grass in the field behind your house You felt like you could fly; I struggled to keep pace with you We made it to the river and collapsed into refreshing waters And you promised me we'd scale the Appalachians and sell balloons to Sherpa monks I remember... Lying in the meadow beside your warm body Gazing up at Orion and Venus And you whispered in my ear that we would go ice-fishing on the moon (...We'd make it there if we had to crawl...) My mother scowled in disapproval She told me "Stop wasting your time on boys who will break your heart easier than shattered glass. Marry a good Christian man: a doctor or lawyer who will give you security and a stable home" And I hated myself for loving you I remember... Going through the morning rituals of you smoking half a pack of Pall Malls and drinking hot Java You would play your music, Metallica one day then Beethoven the next And though I pretended to like it I couldn't get Burt Bacterach or Elvis Costello out of my head singing that all love gave you was pneumonia I remember... Skipping perfect stones along the green ocean waters of Nova Scotia You pretended to be Robin Goodfellow and told me that we would travel to Bali and go snorkeling for pearls along the ocean floor And I felt like Anne did when she loved Gilbert I remember... Studying my biology and philosophy; memorizing all the correct answers And you stormed into my room eyes blazing with madness and voice wild with fury (God, how you were beautiful then) And you through my books out the window screaming "Don't believe all the bullshit they teach you! Learn to think for yourself, goddamnit!" Sitting around a bonfire with all your cool friends I was drunk off two glasses of red wine, mumbling incoherencies And your friends asked you incredulously what you saw in me You were drinking your rum like it was water and you laughed your wild laugh and proclaimed "I have found my Clarrisa Dalloway!" And I cursed Jesus for letting me love you I remember... Lying in bed with you as you read Return of the King You declared yourself to be Aragorn and called me your Arwen But I knew I was merely Eowyn giving her heart to a man who would never take it I remember... Dancing naked in the gazebo in the park You floating gracefully like Peter Pan while my guilty feet struggled to keep balanced And you said that you would steal me a pirate ship covered in fairy dust So that we could navigate the Aurora Borealis together I remember... Your magical fingers sailing across guitar frets making those strings sing And my clumsy hands trying to impress you as I shakily played the keys And I felt like Suzanna did when she loved Tristan My gossiping friends told me I was so stupid Cool boys (like you) only wanted one thing from loser girls (like me) They told me not to come crying to them when you broke my heart But I saw their eyes oozing with jealousy that you had ever given me a second glance And I screamed at Cupid for making me love you I remember... Sneaking into the county fair at midnight Sitting on beautifully adorned merry go round horses You swore that one day we would trek across the Congo and keep time to tribal music with xylophones and wooden spoons I remember... Getting stoned and listening to your crazy screaming fits when you called up various governors or congressman after some item on the news had pissed you off I clung to every syllable that left your tongue And I felt like Becky did when she loved Tom Sawyer I remember... Stealing apples from my uncle's farm And eating them in (pardon the cliche) "summer nights that seemed to go on forever" Then making love behind his barn And you vowed that we would go on an adventure across South America and give ice cream to Brazilian children. Then you left as quickly as you came Stole away like "a thief in the night" Just as unpredictably as a sun shower on a cold day And my soul withered in agony But most aren't ever lucky enough to even experience real love I'm told I should be thankful that I found it for a short while Now I share a pillow with a new stranger (He'll have his law degree in two years) He's very wholesome and has memorized the books of Psalms and Gallatians He is so well spoken and polite... (But I miss your mouth cussing at everyone from the weatherman to Jack Kerouac for personally letting you down at the end of On the Road) And he sees all the sweetness on the surface of me... (But I miss your wild eyes piercing to the marrow in my bones seeing all the ugliness and maybe a bit of beauty yet never turning away) He will drink tea and eloquently debate politics with his professors (But I miss your furious hands scribbling petitions and letters to politicians over the Vietnam war that has already been won and lost) Sometimes when my stranger starts to snore I tip-toe off to the back porch and gaze at Orion and Venus And I wonder if somewhere you might be watching the same constellations And I ask into the night... "Do you still think of me? Do you ever wish for me? When you fuck her do you call my name accidentally?" And I hate myself for still loving you
