ooohhh i hate my life...

Well heres the deal. i figure if anyone can help me its you guys...anyways as a few of you know i have had this crazy baby-fever thing going on for about a year. i am absolutely 100% ready to have kids, and my fiance is not. i am 21 and he is almost 26. i worry about the fact that hes pushing 30 and no where near interested in having kids. i ask him about it constantly and all he ever tells me is oh dont worry in the next year or so...i see all these people around me having kids and it makes me so jealous... i just wish i knew why he is so not ready to have kids...he keeps telling me to quit being paranoid and be patient but my patience is about run out and we are getting married in 13 days. last time i asked him he said hed like to start trying about a year to two years from when we get married...i want to have my kids before I AM 26...any suggestions you guys...im up to here with it..thanx

 

My suggestion would be to be patient, it will happen when it's meant to to. Enjoy the children of your friends, you will never expect a lot of the things that will happen when you have a child of your own.My son is almost 5 months now, and I love fatherhood, but it isn't all peaches and cream, it is a lot of work. It is even more work for the mom. Don't worry about the age you are when you have kids either. I always hear people say I want to have children while I am young enough to enjoy them, I know 50 year olds who can out do me. If you lead a healthy life style you will be able to keep up with them fine. I am 28 and just had my first one.

 

well the worst part is when all of his friends and all of my friends all have kids and then all they want to do is hang out with each other...ill ask one of my friends if they want me to find them a babysitter so we can hang out for an hour or so and its always the same thing...some one else with kids is always there priority...i do not have a single friend who doesnt have kids...my fiance has a couple friends who dont have kids, but they also arent married or have girlfriends...i am tired of 1) being left out of everything and 2) i have this weird feeling that if i just be patient and "let things happen on their own" it probably will never happen. i dont know why but its just a gut instinct...i kind of feel like im going to have to basically force him or it wont ever happen...i dunno what to do..

 

I was in the same situation as your man. I wasn't in a hurry to have children, nor did I care if I ever did. Then it happened. I am trying to make a point here (I haven't had my coffee yet, brains not funtioning). Just enjoy the free time you have because when it happens it happens all at once. Maybe hang out with your friends and their children. I am not good at giving advice, I can just tell you good luck with it, and hope that everything works out for the best for you. Oh, and congradulations on the marraige

 

Yeah I thought you kinda sounded like him in your thread...yahno I am only worried about one thing.Getting married and realizing he just really doesnt ever want kids...he would never tell that, but I wish I knew why the idea freaks him out so much...i asked him what there was left to be ready for....we both make good money, we are both mature loving caring and commited people...his answer is that he'll know when hes ready...alot of good that does me...i guess he doesnt understand when it puts me to tears everytime the subject is brought up...my family even asks when we are gonna have kids...he just answers them with some snide joking comment.his mom who hates me keeps telling me if i want kids i better not marry him, which i know is crap because like i have said before i am positive hes the opne for me...we just disagree on one subject...i also wish i knew why he is the one deciding all of this stuff..theres two people involved, and in my opinion compromise is more fair than me just saying okay ill wait for you then...i dunno..im stuck..

 

The thing is, in this situation, compromise DOESN'T work. Both of you have to be totally dedicated to providing a loving, healthy environment for a child. Maybe he just wants to get a little more time in to be a kid for himself. Think about it - before baby, he has to worry about taking care of himself (and to a lesser extent, you) day by day. After baby, he's a FATHER for LIFE. That is a very daunting situation to look at, and maybe he just wants some time to continue living his life before he has to take on the responsibility of another. You don't want to push the issue any more than is necessary, and you DON'T want to "force him" because that would just pile trust issues up all around you that you'll NEVER shake completely.

You don't need to have all your babies so young. There's no timer running out your clock yet, and there won't be for a long time. If you're SURE that he wants kids eventually, then just go with the flow. And if you aren't sure, then that is the ONE single issue that will mess up your marriage from the beginning - because it's a fundamental difference in how you want to spend the rest of your life.

 

I can't speak for all guys, but for me and most of the men I know, children are a scary thing, or were, I am not so scared about children anymore. It's one of those, once you have a child, you lose your freedom, you can't party all the time, they effect your personal life, ect. It isn't true. I do almost everything now as I did before my child, only I have someone to watch me do the stuff I do. You do have to be careful about that, if you do anything you don't want your child to do. I am more worried about being a good parent now, will I raise him right, will I be able to do good for him. The parental instinct kicks in.

 

Yep, in a planned PG, you both need to agree. It's hard to wait sometimes, but it'll pay off, I promice. I was 27 and my hub was 37 when we ahd our first. It was a perfect time (not planned, but perfect, we were both ready, if you would have asked us a week before we discoved our first was on the way if we'd EVER have kids, we'd have laughed at you ). Just wait and keep the dialog open

 

**smiles** i really wish someone could convince him of that...he thinks he will be awake all night and work all day and never do anything else...ive even offered to quit working and start my own business so that i am home and so that he doesnt have to worry about so much but then he worries about finances because his parents were always laid off and they were sometimes homeless even...im afraid his own parents have not helped in this situation...he thinks if i quit my$ 10.50 an hour job we would be destitute...he makes alot more than i do and if i strated my own business online it really would not be that big of a difference...i dunno i ve had a few of his friends talk to him about how haing kids doesnt change much he doesnt believe them..i almost feel like its a lost cause.

 

you've got at least twenty more fertile years ahead of you. Don't rush into parenthood. Enjoy being married first. If his mother hates you that much, it's a really good sign that you two belong together Give it time, you got lots of it to spare. For many people, having kids does indeed mean the primary money-earner works all the time, and nobody ever gets any sleep at night. It's a very real possibility. Being a parent is the most rewarding thing I've ever done, and it's also the hardest, most stressful thing I've ever done as well.


no matter what you do, talk to your partner about it at length. You both have to be on the same page, or one of you will resent the choices the other has made.

 

Having kids DOES change things. Alot. Youre life will never be the same, but it will be better and more rewarding than it ever has been. And harder as well. You will see more joy and more sadness.

Sounds to me like he does want to have kids, just not right now. Correct? Just give him time. Like mamaboogie said - enjoy some time being married first. The more you push him, the more he'll resist it. If you just wait for him to bring up the topic, one day he'll say "babe, let's make babies".

Good luck to you mama!

 

Landscaper is a good dad, and he did "come around" to having kids. But, I have found that most dudes who are 25 or 26 and still stalling simply do NOT want kids at all. I have a friend who waited 10 years, he had excuse after excuse "After we get a house." "After the house is fixed up." "When I get a new job." "When I pay off my car." ect. After 10 years together he left.....and had a baby with his new gf in less than a year. An other friend's dh stalled and stalled, same shit, one "After this happens" crap excuse after an other. They FINALLY had a baby, after about 7 years, (he was in his 40s and she didn't want to wait until he was really too old) a year later she wanted an other, he didn't. So he stopped having sex with her, completely. They have no more kids, and she wanted several, and he agreed to that......"but, later." He's in his 50s now and she's starting menopause, so I don't think that is going to happen.

I think we have talked about this before, sweet. You won't change him. You can't. I sounds like he does NOT want kids. He thinks he can keep you around by stalling, but evetually something has to happen. If YOU go without kids, you will be resentful and angry. If HE has kids, he doesn't really want, he will be resentful and angry, against you and the kids.

The one thing that you can't "work out" is when one member of a couple wants kids and the other doesn't. There is no half way, you either have them, or you don't. My guess is he doesn't.

Just one suggestion about your friends with kids, don't ask them to get a sitter. Most of us like to be with our kids. My dh and I actually stopped hanging around with an other couple, because they ALWAYS wanted us to get a sitter, even if we were just going to be hanging around watching TV. So, we stuck to people who either had kids, or liked being with ours. One of Bear and my best freind couples is childless, but the children are ALWAYS invited when we go anywhere. They enjoy our kids, so we hang with them a lot. The womyn is one of my best friends, but she never asks me to leave my kids behind. Maybe your freinds with kids think you don't like their kids. (Whether this is true or not, mamas are very sensitive about their babies.) Mamas have a different idea of free time once the babies are born. And usually, in a good mama, that doesn't include leaving the baby behind with a sitter, except in rare circumstances. Maybe be happy to include your friend's children in your plans and it won't be a problem when you go out with them. Just a suggestion.

 

That's exactly what I was going to say when I wrote earlier, but by the time I got to writing, I forgot about it! It's a good idea, and a good point. Plus, it'll give you some of that baby time you want so badly - I personally don't have kids and don't plan on it (at least not for a long, long time) but I LOVE hanging out with my friends and their families. And they love me like an... aunt!

 

There are only two places I don't bring my kids

• Morton's Steak House for our Anniversary. ($180 for dinner and quiet converstation, it's just Bear and me. But, we didn't start this until Sage was nearly weaned at 3 or so.)
• The HUGE craft faire my sister and I go to once a year. It is just too crowded and too "boring" for little kids. BUT, Bear watches all our kids when we go, and we didn't go the years we had babies who were on the breast every 3 minutes. When we go he answers the phone "Uncle Booger's Day Care Center, Best Care Anywhere." When Moon turned about 16 we started taking her, Sunshine is older, but too spazzy to go.Lennon couldn't care less (Craft faire, ewe, girl crap) and Sage would be MISERABLE. LOL!

 

I'll have to say that I do agree with Maggie. There is the possiblility that he doesn't want kids. I've known very similar situations. I would be really up-front with him and ask him point blank "do you want kids?"

 

you definitely have to talk to him. ...but I disagree with Maggie this one time. *I* didn't want kids at 26. I didn't want kids at 28. I thought maybe someday, but not yet. Some people just aren't emotionally ready to handle that kind of responsibility in their 20's. I sure wasn't. Men are even more emotionally immature than women in many respects, and it takes some of them even longer to come to grips with the idea of raising children. Some never do, it's true, and will always find one excuse after another to put it off a little longer. Only you and your partner can figure out (together, by openly communicating and talking about it) whether he will ever change his mind or not. Don't nag him, don't pester him about it. Just let him know straight up how you feel, and give him the chance to tell you how he feels, too.

 

Yeah, this is a subject where not agreeing is not compatible with a happy marriage. You should just talk, as openly as possible, and ask him point-blank if he wants kids or not. You'll get your answer.

And the advice to hang out with your friends AND their kids is a good one. Right now, Brian and I don't have a baby. But we are one of the only kidless couples to hang out with his kidded friends. Why? Because we accept the kids as well. If we want to hang out, we'll bring a DVD that we know their 2 year old will love, spend some time with their 6 year old, and then have some grown-up time, where we just chill, play games, talk, do whatever. Plus, hanging out with your kidded friends might help your guy see kids in a different light. You'll know after one instance of hanging out whether or not your guy is kid-friendly. If he can hold a conversation with them, play with them, be gentle and kind in the least, he's at least interested in the one-day possibility.

But everyone is right. You need to know where he really stands with kids before you tie the knot. This isn't a tiny issue. I know kids that were wanted by one parent and not by the other, and you can tell in their relationships with their parents. I'd never want to bring a child into a situation where lifelong resentment is even a remote possibility.

 

Absolutely. You need to know exactly where he stands, and take no "well...maybe....let's not talk about it now.....wait until I get a new car......" He may well want kids, just the dude's I know with this attitude either never have kids, or don't enjoy the ones they do get.

YOU know him better than we do. But, be honest with yourself. He needs to give you a straight answer. It's either no or yes.

 

well he has really only been around kids once at one of my family get togethers..he was really good and gentle with it but really quick to give it back..he always acts like hes going to break it or something..i think its more of a fear that hes going to be a bad father...he always says what if we have a baby and i dont know how to take care of it..i keep telling him natural instincts kick in, but his entire life hes never been around kids. i think that may be part of it. or now if he is around babies especially they make him squeemish.

 

This will end in tears.

She will eventually either "forget" to take her pill, or she'll wise up he'll never be interested in children, but either way they'll split.