Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Hi. I know the title was stupid.

I am dating/have been dating this guy for about three months now. We are freshmen at a famous top university.

I met him at a dance. He danced very differently from most guys, and he behaved a bit nicer, and did not grind on my body. I thought he was polite. I went to his room and hung out with him and his roommate for a few hours. He played the piano. He listened to jazz. He was different and interesting. He offered to help me decorate my new dorm room. I fell for him after that.

Well, he has told me that the first time he had sex, and the only time, other than with me (we havent exactly, but close), was with his ex-gf, when he was 17. He said he was thinking about having sex with a man. That's all he told me. A friend close to him, a girl (all of his closest friends are girls), told me this: he told his dad, over the summer, that he was bisexual. His dad, who is very religious, like his mom, got angry.

Well, fast forward to now, a year later. He is with me. He has said many things in regard to his sexuality: "I like you, I want to be with you, and not a man." " I think about guys about once a week. I do not get aroused when i think of other men." "I do not like a guy. (He saidthere is no guy he is interested in). "

I asked him if i should be worried. he said, simply, "I would not cheat on you with a man or a woman."

He seems straight. Here is some more info about him: He is on the crew team. He is extremely athletic. He is a very well-liked guy. He comes from a very conservative background that shuns homosexuality. He is trying to be religious, and struggling with that. His mother is domineering.

I am a very pretty girl - he tells me all the time, and yes, i know, because i have modeled for things. i love him, but i think he is manipulating me, using me as a cover - oh, look at his pretty gf, he is definitely not gay, etc - an image. he tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks i am. he takes me out and shows me off as his girlfriend. he posted our status on thefacebook.com, so now anyone who knows him knows i am his girlfriend. he is very image-oriented - even when he is going through something awful, he looks like the happiest, nicest guy. no one would ever think that when he is with me, he is sometimes, or can be, cruel, and then very nice, etc.

most of his freinds are conservative and athletic, and religious. i am wondering this:

am i a coverup in his life? he tells his family about me, even thought theyve never met me, to prove that he is successful not only academically, but socially. does he seem gay? What should i do? should i break up with him? what does this all sound like?

he is a great bf. he buys me flowers, spends money on me, takes me out - he has money. he gives me great gifts. he gives me what i want, when i want it. he is great in bed, i mean, for what we've done, anyway.

ive asked friends, but they dont really knowwhat i should do. i dont want to tell my parents; theyd forbid me to date him anymore.

please help!

 

My heart goes out to your bf. It is horrid what they do to us. I can't say that he's gay, I would have to take him at his word. Though I understand your concern about the clues. Ask him if he has been to X-gay or Exodus, those places have a poor recidivist rate and do so much more harm than good. Again -just horrid what they do.

You haven't said how you feel about finding out if he's gay. I'm assuming you both go to a christian college or very conservative school, and that you wouldn't approve of him.

Go see Brokeback Mountain together.

 

he said he was bisexual didn't he..?


If you can't trust him, then I think you have bigger problems then whether or not he is gay..

 

Sometimes you really have to listen to what your heart is telling you. If you don't feel comfortable in this relationship, that's a pretty strong sign.

The fact that he is so image-oriented worries me. You also say that he can be cruel. I don't think I could put up with that in a relationship. Honestly, I would have kicked his sorry body to the curb long ago.

You tell us that he is a great bf and back it up by talking about how much money he spends on you. A man who is cruel to you and who makes you wonder whether you should break up with him is not a "great bf" no matter how much money he spends on you.

If you are at a "famous top university" and you are a "very pretty girl," you should have no trouble finding heterosexual young men to spend lots of money on you.

 

woukd you still be with him of he said to you he was bi? or could you still be mates of he is gay?

There are plenty of blokes who think about men (they normally wont admit it) it might be a thing he likes thinking about but when it comes down to it wont do anything.

If he did tell him mum and dad and he got a crap comeback no wonder why he has gone back into his shell again - i think you need to talk to him. Just by someone dancing, helping you decorate, listens to jazz doesnt mean he is a poof.

Just talk to him - if he is and you can cope he is gonna need so much support and friends around him. If he isnt than maybe talk to him about you having a problem with the fact he acts gay!!!! because you do or you wouldnt have posted it here - and to tell you the truth if my b/f turned out to be gay i would have a problem with it - but i would still support him all the ways lol xxx

 

And with a name like bfinthecloset87 ithink you do have a problem with it.

 

From what he says here:

...you don't have anything to worry about. It sounds like he's just worried about how you'd react.

The wording is very careful. He avoids saying that he is attracted to men by saying he's not attracted to any specific man. He's also doesn't want you think that he would cheat on you. From what's he's said, I'd say he probably is bi but is scared that if he "confesses" to you outright then you'll assume he's going to be going after the boys all the time. I know a lot of bi guys don't tell their girlfriends at all because of these concerns.

My advice is simply to try not to think about it. If he's in a committed relationship with you then the fact that, if he wasn't going out with you, he might be dating a guy rather than another girl shouldn't really be an issue unless you break up.

 

From the above, clearly, we have a flaming homosexual.

My personal feelings are that you should educate yourself on sexuality before flipping out because your boyfriend listens to jazz, doesn't bang you on the dancefloor, and offers to help decorate your dorm room.
Sexuality is about sexual expression. Regardless of what homophobic society preaches, it's not about the way you look, the way you dress, the way you talk, or the way you compose yourself. It's sexual in nature. Not behavioral.
Ask yourself if his sexuality even matters to you. Clearly he loves you enough to be in a relationship with you, so why should it matter to you if he gets off to guys when you're not around or not. He loves you. And if he's ballsy enough to tell his dad he's bisexual, then he's open enough or doesn't care enough to manipulate you into a cover-up.

 

Well...You've got several reasons listed on why you THINK he's gay.

Now on the flipside- Why DON'T you think he's gay? Because he's athletic? Because he's good in bed? etc etc...They're not the only factors and they don't seem to come even close to matching up with the reasons why you think he's gay.

It seems like your mind is mostly focused on why you think he's gay. That obviously says something. Of course, you could just be paranoid, though. That can trick your mind into thinking differently.

However, what do other people think? Do other people have suspicions about it?

 

No one thinks he is gay. No one knows about this issue except me, and another girl he was close to that he told - that he might be bisexual. But other than that, absolutely no one would suspect.


Well, just a little update. I took him to see Brokeback Mountain. After that, he was really quiet and very testy. I asked him what he thought, and he wouldn't really say much of anything. Then he changed the subject, and said he was tired and sleepy.

 

hmmm, lets review.
crew team = gay.
thinking about sex with me when with a pretty girl = gay.
even saying that he wont sleep with me = gay.
never thinking about sex with me = not gay.
college, girlfrien of three months, no sex = gay.
all his friends are chicks = gay

not that theres anything wrong with that, but maybe yall should leave eachother to be with different men.

 

Bless.

Advice is still the same really; if he's in a monogamous relationship with you, him being bisexual wouldn't really effect you that much unless you plan to spend all day chatting about which boys you fancy. So I wouldn't put him under too much pressure about it as he's obviously not entirely comfortable talking about it and doesn't seem about to leave you for a guy or anything.