I am 52, have a 24-year marriage with a wonderful woman, own my home on 2 1/2 acres in the woods, a fairly satisfying job, a seemingly splended life, and I think I'm gay or bisexual. Ouch! This sexual identity crisis is so inconvenient at my age. Sorry. Humor is my favorite defense mechanism. Can anyone relate especially to the age thing? Coming out at a later age means upsetting (destroying) a well-established life that took many years to build and starting over again and breaking up a relationship of 26 years. I am scared to say the least. Hopeful for Response, Larry
What makes you think you're gay/bi? Have you had any experiences? Before you destroy your marriage, make sure you are certain in your own mind of what you are doing and why, and that it is worth the cost...
First question is whether or not you are still in love with your wife. Are you? IF so, then are you willing to throw away that love for another relationship? Are you even looking for a relationship or a sexual experience? What if you got involved with a man and realize that the reality of it didn't live up to your fantasies or expectations? Then you would have lost a wonderful relationship that you had for half of your life for an unsatisfying experience. Is that worth the risk? Think long and hard about your wife before doing this. think about everything you'll be giving up. I'm attracted to both genders, but I'd never risk a relationship with one to indulge in the other. But that's just me. Mono
Yes, I have had a private gay life all my life. I was openly gay for about six months in my early 20's and I wish I had stayed that way. In my childhood, there are gay experiences. I know I am, the question should be what to do. I know that answer as well. I have no history of making independent decisions on my own for myself. I am frozen.
I'm a straight male, happily married (usually) but I do have some very close gay friends. As a former actor I've spent many years around some really great gay people. So here's my view on the matter. If you love your wife, and you don't have a male LOVE interest as of yet, just sexual interest, I say find yourself a few "buddies" and go fishing every sunday. If you're having difficulty being arroused with your wife, perhaps your weekly outings will give you enough to think about during sex with your wife. I know this sounds terrible, but I'm sure my wife occassionally thinks about some soap opera actor. No harm done. As far as cheating goes, I do believe your wife would prefer not to know. If she's happy now, and you want to stay with her, keep your mouth shut. In the old days when gays stayed in the closet, they often lived this type of duel life. Good luck and be safe, for you AND your wife. Demand HIV test results from your new friends. Imagine the heart ache if you had to tell her you may have given her AIDS.
You're saying this as if it's a good thing. If this person is truly gay, then he owes it to his wife to be open and honest about it, no matter how much it hurts. I don't think that living a lie and promoting infidelity is any way to treat a human being. What if he's bi? Does that mean that he no longer loves his wife? Does it give him the right to be unfaithful to his spouse and lie about it just because it was a guy instead of a girl? If you are truly in love with your wife, you wouldn't do such things. If you aren't, then let her go so she can find someone who will love her like she deserves. If you haev the courage to approach her to suggest an open marriage, then more power to ya. She might go for it, she might leave, but at least you're not deceiving her. It's up to you what you find more important in your life. Where do your priorities lie?
Thank you all for responses. monosphere: Good words. Good advice. Sound reasoning. freakwentflyer: Yes, that is one way to go, but I hate myself for the secret life I already have. beachmonkey: Yes. You are so right. Moonjava: Thank you dear for caring. You are an angel I'm sure. P.S. As my journey in therapy continues, it may be that this sexual identity crisis is just a cover up for deeper issues yet unknown. I just started sharing myself on the internet like this less than six months ago. I think I like it. Peace, Larry
That is somewhat a rhetorical question in that you have to answer it for yourself not necessarily to us. Really it is the core of the issue though IMHO. You didn't specifically mention that you love your wife. Is that just something that I didn't catch? It is an important thing here. Again, you really have to answer this only to yourself. Did your wife know of your history before you married her? Does she now? If she did than it will be a much easier transition for her now when you share your needs with her. If you have been in the closet all this time & she has no knowledge of your previous m2m experinces that is harder. What is her feelings on non hetero sexual relationships? Is she pretty open minded? More things you have to answer to yourself..... As you can see I'm just a little younger than you & I'm married too. We have a great 5 year old so I have some things @ stake too. My wife knew all about me long before we married. She was integral in my first realizing that I wasn't entirely hetero & she is quite open minded about relationships. I can only speak from my experience & share this in hopes that it can help you.
Monosphere- I didn't say being in the closet is a good thing- though a few older gay friends of mine have expressed they prefered the old days (forbidden love thing I guess) I perfectly understand the resistance to my suggestion. Yes, truth in a relationship is important. But with truth you have to fully understand that if he loves his wife and wants to stay with her, his coming out of the closet may make that impossible. Once the cat's out of the bag, you can NEVER put it back in. If she stays with him, chances are, she will ALWAYS feel uncomfortable with him having any male friends, or being gone for any length of time. Her imagination will eat her up, and in the end she WILL wish he had never told her the truth. Much about love is perception. My advice was purely base on the notion that he loved his wife and family life and hated to risk loosing it but had a need for something else. This man has only three real choices- Say nothing and try to repress his gay feelings, or- follow my advice, or- be honest with his wife and accept the fact his life will never be the same and the chances of her being "cool" about it are near impossible.
Yes. I started this crazy thread, so I may as well continue. I just need people to talk to and this seems like a cool place. As it turns out, I am 100% bisexual. I was in black/white thinking (as usual) before. That's why I always said, "I think I might be gay." Anyway, I have already taken choice 3. I don't know where we go from here. The trip continues.
Larry, have you seen the movie 'Normal'? Your situation reminds me of that in the movie. It probably won't help the situation, but you should check it out.
Thanks for the tip sweet heart. I'll check it out. If I were younger... If you were older... If we were closer... Isn't dreaming a kick? In dreams there is only "yes." Larry
