[The Word of God as told by Pat Robertson]

Pat Robertson recently made headlines when he stated that God caused Ariel
Sharon's stroke, because Sharon was trying to divide the Holy Land. This is
hardly the first time Robertson's comments have created such a stir. He also
claimed that God sent Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans is filled with
hedonists and homosexuals. While those statements got the most media
attention, we managed to dig up the following additional, actual quotes from
Pat Robertson. Enjoy.

Magic Johnson acquired AIDS because God had $50 on the Lakers when the
Chicago Bulls defeated them in the 1991 NBA Finals.

God shot Kurt Cobain in the head because 'In Utero' was a disappointing
follow-up to, 'Nevermind'.

God commanded my [Pat Robertson's] hairdresser to suck me [Pat Robertson]
off in my [Pat Robertson's] dressing room. When she didn't, God blackened
both of her eyes.

Osama Bin Laden is still alive and well because God always felt the Twin
Towers were, "too towery".

God allowed the Roman soldiers to torture Jesus, because he was disappointed
that Jesus gave up on the carpentry thing. Especially, after Jesus had
promised to make God a napkin holder.

Satan was cast out of Heaven because he kept saying, "Ex-squeeze me?" and
"Smell you later!"

God is black. He afflicted Africa with AIDS because he didn't want it to
seem like he was playing favorites.

God doesn't mind you taking his name in vain. He does, however, get pissed
when people talk bad about the guy that played Mr. Belvedere.

God thinks Nickelback is crap, and not just because they're all queer.

And while being a homosexual is a sin, God forgives them purely on the
virtue of also being simply FABULOUS!

As a point of contrast, I think this is a good point for me to throw in a
personal conversation I had with God.

Yesterday, I got a flat tire and I was like, 'Why me Lord?'
And God said, 'Bitch, thou ate all the cereal this morning.'
And I was like, 'Damn it, God, I told you I'd buy more after work!' And He
was like, 'Fuck you, ****. Did thou not see the burning bush that sprang
forth from the front of the box of Special K? Why didn't thou just eat the
frozen waffles that you've had sitting there for 2 MONTHS?'

So, I just left. You can't talk to Him when He gets like that.

Well, that was just a small sample of the wisdom that pours forth from Pat
Robertson each and every day. Hope you enjoyed it. And remember to keep
watching the 700 Club. Robertson promises to reveal startling new video
evidence that Jesus came over his house, and his neighbor's son accidentally
struck Him in the crotch with a wiffle ball bat. Or that might have been
Bob Saget. It was either Jesus or Bob Saget.

 

yes, I did talk about this before...

and about hurricane katrina........ fred phelps said the same thing.

 

You're going to hell.

 

promise?

 

God told me so.


Me and the big guy...we're like peas and carrots.

 

i hate peas

 

Of course you do.


How d'you feel about carrots?

 

if i hated them, i would have mentiioned that as well

im actually pretty fond of them

 

I sorta hope pat robertson dies soon.....

 

but thats one less person that we can laugh at

 

I'll be laughing if he dies tho...

 

oh
good point

 

especially if its traumatic, and violent

 

what reason do you think he would give god for killing him if he were able to live to see his own death?

 

i prefer people to die embarassing deaths....like on the toilet.

 

I like this

 

aahahahahahah.

 

I used to believe in God, but here lately, I've had my doubts. Lots of them.

 

but i BELIEVE in pat robertson...

 

Some those qoutes i believe are actually true but thats simply because i believe everything and everyone is God, so anything that happens is an act of God.