Advice would be great...

Okay...my girlfriend just broke up with me. And I know what you'll say, get over it and all that, yadda yadda. The thing is, she didn't break up with me because of me, she broke up with me because of herself. Before me, every guy she had ever been with cheated on her, so she has a HUGE issue with trust. It's very hard for her to trust some people, and I think it all just caught up with her. Our relationship was perfect, never really any huge problems at all, we never even argued. This was all pretty sudden. She basically said that she believes she is hurting me by thinking the things that she is (she keeps thinking I'm lying to her about stuff, etc....) and because she can't stand to be hurting me, she had to leave me. The thing is, I was never hurting at all around her, in fact, being with her is the happiest moments of my life. We're just too good together for things to go this sour....So, now, I'm a complete mess because of this, and all I ever do day in and day out is think of her. I miss her more than I can describe, and this only just happened a couple of weeks ago, over our winter break.

Now, my question is.......what can I really do? Is there anything I could do at all to possibly at least TRY to fix this? I really do in my heart know that she still cares about me, thats not the reason she broke up with me. I could tell by her voice that she didn't want to. She just has this issue that she can't escape from. Is there a way I can show her that no matter what, she can trust me? Anyone have a reccomendation of what action to take? I really apprecaite it...

 

I tell u something Butters... Until this instant, i never thought a guy could say or write something like this. THis is all girly sh1t. I'm glad i was wrong.

Look im going through a very f*cked up time in my life right now cause im being a total ass-hole to my boyfriend and i love him as u have no idea and well i've tried to leave him several times because i dont wanna hurt him, just like ur gf did.
He never lets me. He's with me and he says everything will be better, and we're still together.

If u really love her, that im sure u do, go after her. Dont let her get away.. try to find a way to make her trust you, to make her see u need her by ur side. This is what women want, hun. We need to know we're secure and that we important i ur life.

Maybe is not much, but that's the only advice i can give u right now. Im really screwed up myself hehe. Good Luck.

 

Thanks for the nice comment

Exactly, this is what I'm looking for advice on. I want to go after her. I can't let her get away, I love her too much. I really know that we can last, I really feel that way. We're just too good around each other for me to think otherwise. We had a very different kind of relationship. It was seriously one of those "disgustingly cute" ones. For example, our first "date" was we went to the riverfront, and layed down next to each other talking for 2 and a half hours. We did stuff like that. The connection we have is unbelievable, she just has this huge issue that I think is making her really scared. I need someway to show her that I would never think of hurting her. I just need some sort of a chance to get her back....I miss her more than anything.

 

hey bud, how are ya? This kind of happened to me. About 5 years ago, my ex (thats right) broke it off with me after 5 months of complete and total happiness. I mean it was perfect. I was so into her, and i would have done anything for her. And i could tell she was really learning a lot from me as well. Then out of nowhere she said peace out. She told me it was "to become a better christian" which was bs. She thought all i wanted her was for sex or whatever (which was totally not true.) But our relationship was so money just like yours, and i really missed her every second. I then started talking to her and she realized she missed me a lot. But by this time (about 2 weeks) she already had another bf....fucking whore. SO my advice to you is....dont let her get away from you. Make her understand that she needs you just as you need her. A relationship is two people as one. She should realize how good you are to her because most girls are fucking morons and go for guys that treat them like shit. And stay with them. Dont let that happen to yours man, yu seem like a nice guy. Just keep talking to her and keep being nice and telling the truth (about your love) and im sure she will see that you are the best thing for her. Peace out bro

 

Well there u go Butters... jacob made a great point and by his own experience so dont let her get away.
Good luck hun. I know u can do it.

 

Butters, give her time to love herself first. I was the same way with guys for along time because I have been cheated on before. And after you are cheated on it's hard to trust anyone!!! So I just took time to sort things out in my head so that I could get over being parinod about the next relationship I was in. She just needs time to realize that not all guys are like that.....but SHE has to make that desission for herself.

 

Something similar happened here after many years.

I was a dumbass(?) and didn't pursue
(or is it 'beat One's Head aginst the wall'?).

I Wish I had...

 

I understands your point entirely....BUT...I know her too well. She places way too much importance on honesty and telling how you feel to do that. If she really felt that she wanted to end the relationship because she didn't love me anymore, or something like that, I know thats what she would have said. But since she didn't, I know thats not the case. She's just not a person to do that.

Her main reasoning for this seemed to be "I need time to learn how to trust people once again, and to be happy with myself." Something to that extent. What I don't understand is....how can you learn to trust someone, if you eliminate the need to trust them? It just seems to me that she has a problem that we probably could work out, but she's running away from it, does that sound right? Does anyone have any ideas as to HOW I can prove to her how much I care? I haven't talekd to her since it happened, because I haven't wanted to sound "pushy", but I really want a way for me to get her back without being pushy, any thoughts?

 

SHE NEEDS TIME!!!! It may sound weird to you but she needs time to think things through and to find out why she doesn't trust people and to figure out how she can trust people again. I know it's hard on you but believe me.....she really just needs to think things through herself.

 

I agree with DMGreen, she probably needs time. I know it seems like a trust issue can be worked out as a couple, but you stand a better chance of getting her back by backing off, giving her some space, and letting her do something about her problems. If you stay together she's much more likely to sabotage the relationship through her own fears in ways you cannot combat. You might make sacrifices that you normally wouldn't have to in a healthy relationship, for example, she could recognize it, feel like she's putting unfair stress on the relationship (consequently, she would be right, it's not fair to you) and start a cycle of self-abuse. It's a no-win situation. Trust issues are hard enough to deal with, throw in relationship drama on top of that and it's much harder.

There's an exception to every rule, things could get resolved in a healthy manner, but trust issues usually go in a certain direction. A lot of people don't get close to anyone, they meet someone, experience a shallow relationship and when things start getting more serious they bail, and their ex is posting on a message board the next day "what happened???" I moderate on a bpd support board and see it all the time (on that note, "it's not you, it's me" is quite probably the most overplayed break-up line in modern history... reverse psychology at its finest).

Anyways, your best chance, imo, for staying together and working through it is for her to get professional help and you to be supportive of the process. That's the first talk I'd have with her... what's her plan for dealing with her issues, besides taking a break from you (if she decides to)? A lot can be learned from that little question. Good luck

 

I think you've hit the problem DEAD ON. I'm pretty sure that is EXACTLY what she's doing. She feels that she's not being fair to me and hurting me. I guess I just don't quite understand the whole issue, because trust me, if you knew me, you'd know I am the LAST person on earth who would cheat on someone.

One other question too....her birthday is this Sunday, what should I do about that? I'm afraid if I do nothing, it'll show I don't care, and I'm afriad if I do something, it could be too much.......UGH

 

Hmmmmm......play double barrel w/her?

 

Uhhhhh........

Anyways......

 

Okay, another question. I just found out tonight that there is a high probability of seeing her, and actually hanging out with her tomorrow. How should I act around her tomorrow?

 

Hi,

Just give her some space. You sound like a nice guy, and from what you said, things between you both were fine, but just give her time and space to sort her self out. I know it won't be easy, but you have to for her sake, and if you get back together, yours, too, the sake of your relationship.

Good luck.

 

And as far as tomorrow goes:

Just be casual, just talk to her and relax - if you can - but don't try and touch her or do anything to show that you still love her, just be there for to chat and chill with.

 

You say that you never even argued...but depending on how long you two were together, that may have been a warning sign. Arguing is a healthy thing, it's not bad at all as long as it's just an exhange of words with the intent to express yourselves and come to an agreement. Maybe she had something pressing on her that she was afraid to bring up? I guess all I'm trying to say with this point is that arguing adds to a healthy relationship because it means you're communicating.

From what I see, she definitely needs space, however you've got to let her know you still care. Don't push, maybe write her a short note telling her that you realize she needs space and that you still care and if she ever needs someone to talk to, she knows how to get ahold of you, then give it to her in person. That's all you really can do.

Trust is one of the biggest things in a relationship and if she can't bring herself to trust you, then you can't expect another try would last very long. Trust issues are extremely damaging to a relationship, but don't give up on her. I think the only thing you can do is continue to love her and do things that subtly show that. Don't try too hard to get her back, it may scare her a little. When she broke up with you, she was telling you she needs space and time, so respect that. Find stuff to fill up the time that she used to occupy (friends, games, etc.) and give her awhile. If she's going to come around, she will.

 

btw, giving someone "time" is the hardest thing you will do, possibly in your life.

Its boring, its emotional and a lot of time is spent listening to sad music lying in bed thinking about this girl who (may) not come back to you.

I'm in the same situation pretty much, she just moved, she needs to settle, i was just another stress on top of that and she felt like she couldnt love me, even though i think she did....bitch

Anyway, my tactic atm is just ignoring her for a few days, then talking to her, acting normal but still letting her know i care then not talking to her, my theory is -
If she isnt texting me, or ringing me wanting to talk, i should'nt do it to her
Just remember, you have nothing to appologise for if you feel like you want to say sorry to her, Dont, you have nothing to be sorry for

Stay strong, act cool, you'll get her
-gg

 

I think your friend needs time to be on her own and to figure things out for herself. I know you really love her and can't bear to be without her, but for now I would just be friends with her, that way she has got space to think things through and at the same time you still get to see her. In the mean time go out with friends and meet other people so you're not always thinking about this girl. Pondering over one person constantly doesn't help you and your mind will just run around in circles. Still maintain contact will your friend, but get out there and have some fun. You never know you may rekindle what you had or you may not. Time will tell whether the two of you are destined to be together. Feel better

 

Well, I talked to her friend yesterday, and she told me everything that she's feeling, and her reasonings and everything. And what I found out.....actually makes me kind of releved. She's being incredably stupid, and, personally, I think she's also being really cruel to me. So....I decided yesterday, to just get over it. And you know what? I feel so much damn better. I'm actaullt in an awesome mood right now! If she's going to do this to me, then she's just not worth my time and effort. I'm sure there's another girl here at school that 'ol Butters can be even happier with. Am I still sad? Of course. But can I live with it? Now I can. So lookout college, single Butters is comin' atcha!!! hahaha