I'm probably not even gonna post this anyway...

...but my head feels so full of thoughts every hour of the day, every day of the week and I hope I can ease the pressure by sharing some of them with you. Though I'll probably not press the post button. And if I do, I'll regret it later. Idon't know what I'll do yet.

You see, I'm confused easily. I hate always being so confused. Indecisive, divided, two-minded about practically everything. Hypocritical even on some points. I don't want it, and I hate it. I'm emotionally very immature, very underdeveloped, or so it feels to me anyway. My emotions are stong but wily and I don't understand them. I can be a disaster in social situations, lose friends over nothing but indifference. I hate this division between a retarded emotional side and a polished, high-quality intellectual side.

Because I don't want to brag or sound arrogant but I'm smart. Seriously, I'm fucking smart and I hate still not understanding so much because of the part of the brain that doesn't deal with cold dead logic but with real life feelings. I can't find a textbook which can tell me clearly and with added graphs why I love the people I do, how I can be unforgiving of myself but at the same time self-righteous, what my viewpoints really are. And why it is that I can be hateful at times.

On bad days my hate can be almost all-encompassing. There are times I hate the whole of humankind for it's indifference and cruelty towards each other, and towards the home we all share. There are times being a homo sapiens disgusts me. I hate this species' greed, its apathy, its willful stupidity, its certainty of supposed personal superiority. And I forget, no, I consciously accept that I am not by far a stranger to those same sins.

I hate myself sometimes.

I feel helpless. Defenseless. Something is missing and I know what it is now. I need spirituality. I hate myself for it but I want something to believe in, something out there, in here, anywhere, to give my hopes some shape, to strengthen the belief in myself, to help me being more grateful for little things, to solidify my outlook on life, and make it less tumultuous and confusion-creating. Faith, I'm afraid, is not included in the intellectual part of my brain. I can't make myself believe anything unless I 'just' believe, and I'm too ambigious for that. And I hate it.



But, I also love. I love, and when I really do, I do it thoroughly. I'm not sure about love at first sight but within two hours of meeting for the first time I can be in love with every fiber of someone's being, from the imperfection on the skin just beneath their left ear to the subjects they chose in tenth grade. It happens often. I love easily and intensely. It happened like that only last Sunday, with a girl named Lisa...

I cry sometimes when nothing's happened. About those I love. How lucky I am that they accept me as a friend while I am nowhere near perfection, or even trying to be. I picture myself and one of my closest friends in tragic, (non-physically) intimate situations and I cry. I love my friends and pray to nobody that they love me as well.

I'm crying right now.

There are times in which the sky is blue and the grass is green and it suddenly seems possible, maybe even easy to stop hating also those people that I hate during the darker days, those that kill and deceive, and destroy Nature. I love Nature, during both the dark and the light times. The difference is that during the dark times my love for nature is part of the frame for my hate for humans.

In the light times only I come to terms with humanity enough to think about how everybody is simply not the same and plenty of people are on my side. How most everyone of the people have their own love. How my hate and contempt is exactly what I hate in others. Things are looking up since I made an already treasured new friend not long ago. Typing my thoughts out like this is a push in the back too. I'm entering the light once more and feel ashamed of my dark moods. Another trick of my emotional duality, maybe. In any case, I believe that I have been a captive of the dark days for too long already.

Another thing I believe, besides in love, is that being human means being able to set your own goals in life. And my main reason of being, is to be remembered. I know now that I want to be remembered rather as a man who loved than as a man who hated.

Because I believe in love. I acknowledge its tremendous power. I love love and I am willing to devote my life to it.

I think I've found the spirituality I was looking for.

 

You wouldn't know what the light times were if there were no dark times.

It's not necessary to point out your intelligence- it comes through in your posts. I suspect more than a few folks struggle with facets of who they are in the manner of what you've written- not many are open or honest enough with themselves to admit as much.

 

Eeeesh! Did I write this?? Melodramatic pseudo-poetic drivel... what am I, a fucking emo?

No, I meant what I wrote, but in hindsight the way I said it seems ever so slightly over the top...

Well, so, yeah, okay... guess I'll have to stick to it now. I'm going to try to be kind and loving instead of just rolling along with my mood changes. Wish me luck!

 

Good luck?

You had a moment of introspective clarity. Be yourself. Don't try to fake a good mood and happiness when you aren't feeling up to it. You real friends will stick around and support you. The others will disappear.

 

If you knew it would all be over soon, wouldnt you take more time to enjoy yourself?

By all over i mean, the constant struggle.

Like the way the sun shines.. What if there was a giant drought and we didnt have enough food in the stores, or massive fires drove us away from our homes..

No matter I always hold true to the way the sun rises and sets.. It will always be the governing body for us all.. The WORLD turns on and on.

There Is no cynical view point available for this, we all dance in the light and its shadow. The only thing available is the utmost reality of all of our lives.

 

I completley agree. and in being yourself you will see who is really your true friends and that will be there to support you through both the light and dark times.