Abusive Relationship: Years Ago

I was in an abusive relationship a few years back, since then I have fell in love with a wonderful, caring man and have gotten married.
In regards to the abusive relationship, I have told my husband and his sister about it, and no one else knows. I have lost all my friends because of what the ass hole guy told people about me, and I have done NOTHING to him in return. I am still affected by it, and I feel like a huge chump because I find myself feeling really shitty about it still. Not all the time, just once in a while.
I fell like I want to do something to the jerk, like tell everyone what he did to me, but I know it won't do any good. It might make me feel better for about a second, but then I know how evil this guy is, and he'll make my life hell on wheels.
Even the night of my and my husband's wedding, the jerk decided to throw a party so that some of the friends that were at our wedding left early to go to his stupid party. I can't even believe that he still is doing this stuff to us!
I can go a long period of time without even thinking of him, but then I will see him somewhere in town and it will all come flooding back to me. And he's always smug and a jerk to me! He's the one who should be scared! He should be watching his back because of all my guy friends who want to beat him up, but no, all my guy friends stick with their "bro" instead of their girl friend who was abused by the fucker for 2 years.
God! Why can't I be over this after all these years?

 

Because you need to really and truely forgive him. It is extemely noble and wise of you not to publicly humiliate him, even though i know it is really tempting. But deep down inside, you know there is more work to do on yourself, and that is the hardest part. He taught you alot of spiritual lessons and one isn't quit finished. You say that you are a christian in your profile. Why did Jesus harp on forgiveness? because when we do not truely forgive, we are stuck. Stuck on the earth plane, stuck in heart pain. If you want to understand why it happened, you have to do alot of soul searching to learn what part of it you played. Yes, i know that is hard too. But there is something within you that attracted him to you for a reason. It would have been good to avoid all other relationships for a while to be able to do this important and difficult work, because being in another one, no matter how great, will not allow you to get to the root of that attraction/life lesson. But you can start to investigate it by studying astrology and other spiritual truths. I am the broken record of the hipforums on making this recommendation, but get Gary Goldschneiders Secrect Language of Birthdays, SL of Realtionships and SL of Destiny to really understand what motivated both him and you to be together to learn. God Bless you sister. ps. i find it interesting that your adorable sig picture is like a clue to this. These people are transparent, and showing the core of their structure. perhaps there is a need within you to develope xray eyes as well. maybe you have and don't realize it.
ok, i just read your bd energy. and there is a distinct tendency to be bitter. So this person is giving you the gift of learning how not to be bitter. Thank him. remember, sister, and i say this with all due respect and compassion, "all you need is love." And accept that it takes YEARS to get through this process. I am two years (this month!) into a long soul fast from relationships to heal from a similar situation. two years of realtionship=two years of healing.

 

I was dateraped when I was 15 by an abusive boyfriend, and was stalked for four months after I broke up with him. I only ever told one person about my personal violation, and by then the statute of limitations had been past for years. By then, I also had managed to turn that horrible six months of my life into something for myself. Through this feeling of anger and injustice, I determined never to tolerate such shameful treatment ever again. I realized that the guy actually had a pretty pathetic life. He was severely depressed, bipolar, and overall a psycho. He had nothing in his life but me, and through his horrible treatment of me, lost that. And although it scarred me forever and probably scared a good five years off my life, I thought it was sad that he had nothing else to fixate on but me. I got over my anger slowly, I guess. Just because you forgive someone, doesnt mean you have to welcome them back into your life. Allowing yourself to let go of those feelings will set you free. And remember -- forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

I wonder if there are girls who don't want to date guys because of the incredibly high chance that they will be raped or in an abusive relationship?

I don't know what you can do to help yourself forget. I'm the kind of person who if anybody ever truly wronged, I'd get revenge 10x. Locke: "Men carry themselves too far in punishing others".

Bleh, that was irrelevant.

I hate all these assholes. Your guy friends aren't going to beat him up if they don't know what he did to you. I don't think theres anything you can do at this point. Hes gone, in the past. You've moved on, and its his fault he was abusive and not yours.

Whys it still bugging you?

 

If he physically hurt you then you should return the favor. Your new husband should put a hurtin on this guy. Turn the sin on the sinner I say. Sometimes the only way to get through to somebody is to put them through pain.

 

How are they supposed to support you and want to kick his ass if you never tell them what he has done? I definitely commend you for not bad-mouthing him. BUT, that does not mean you should not be honest about how he treated you. There is a difference between dramatizing what a bastard he was and simply giving an honest account of his actions.

Honestly, considering that they left your wedding early to go to his party, I would suggest getting some new friends, cuz they don't sound quite worthy of the term. But, if there are any worth keeping, I would encourage you to tell them. Who knows, you may save him from setting up some nice friend or cousin with him. At the very least, it will either make you closer friends or show who you should avoid like the plague (if anyone doesn't believe you or accuses you of just trying to badmouth him).

 

Absolutely not! John Locke: "men carry themselves too far in punishing others"

Of course the applies to women, and he lived hundreds of years ago and was crazy.

If she hurt him or got somebody to hurt him she would be taking the law into her own hands. This is NEVER justified (even in movies like Enough).

By taking the law into her own hands she would be violating the social contract.

I think he deserves it, but theres no "calm reason and proportionality". I mean, if I was going to beat up some guy who abused my girlfriend, do you think that I would try and hurt him fairly and proportionally to what he did to my girlfriend? Especially with him probably getting atleast a couple hits on me?

 

I'm only sending good energy your way. I was in an abusive relationship at the age of sixteen. Maybe you should look at what it was in you that attracted this guy to you. Abusive men have this uncanny ability to be able to sniff out women who will take it. I know, I was one of them and so was my mother. Sadly in moms case it took many years and many abusive men before she changed herself. If you are still being hassled and victimized by this man you should look into removing your 'poor me' victim mentality. It sounds like your martyrdom is coming to and end though if your husband is a good guy. Abuse comes in many forms verbal, mental, physical and they all suck. I have compassion for both the victim and the aggressor.

 

thanks guys,
You have all given me a lot to think about.
I don't want to inflict and physical pain to this guy. I just wish that I had let people know what he's like.
Part of the reason I feel so crappy about it still is I always get down on myself for not getting out of it sooner, but I was so scared. I know I need to stop thinking about it, and just get over it. It's pretty hard though.
I think that what really bothers me is I want to forgive him, but I know he doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong.
I also don't want anyone to give him a "hurting" or anything like that. At first I did, but I realize now that would only make trouble, and wouldn't fix anything.
After reading everyone's replies, I realize I need to work on myself. I'm nowhere near as psycho as I was after I broke up with him, my self confidence has returned, I'm not looking for men to use and make their lives miserable. I did go for over a year and a half of not being in a relationship, because I knew that I wasn't near ready, and I think that did a lot for me.


What did you mean by this? I'm not sure. Thanks!

 

sister, and sisters
i just want you to know that you have stated profoundly and succinctly what all of us have gone through with this freaking complex issue. and i totally acknowledge your insights. much love , otter
ps. that is birthday astrological energy. i promise i will write more soon.