Depressed Beyond Repair.

It seems like everything I do, I do half-assed. Not by choice, just thats the way I do it. Lately I haven't felt like doing much. I would have friends call on me and I'd just blow em off because I feel like I don't want to do anything but nothing. I can actually just sit in one corner of the room and think about suicide for hours on end. It seems like my life is going nowhere. I am called queer or gay from at least 3 different strangers each day, despite me being straight as an arrow. I seem like I've already reached the high-point of my life and it was dull and faded. I've just been sinking into some emotional rut for the past 2 years. I have very few friends, I can't make any friends, I am terrible in school (even though I try) and it seems like I never get compliments, always put-downs.

I have thought of committing suicide a few times, and I just can't build up the will to die a painful withering death, which is ironic because it just seems like living is even more of a painful withering death.

 

Hi Twizz,

what is your favorite band?

 

Probably Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin

 

Have you ever heard of the swans?

 

nope

 

Is there a really kick ass music store near you in Hamilton? Maybe a good used place? If there is go find the album called White Light From The Mouth Of Infinity by Swans. It has a rabbit in a red coat on the cover. You say that you like Floyd and Zep, then you appreciate good music. You should appreciate that album.

I can't really say anything to make things better for you now. I just went through some shit that really took a lot out of me. Life was kicking my ass for a while. It seemed that I couldn't get a break. But that album helped me get a lot of my anger out. I don't think I've ever heard better lyrics for the situation. I'd sit in my favorite chair, dim the lights, blaze and listen to that album.

I don't know man, maybe it'll do the same thing for you.

 

Hell man, thanks for trying.

 

i know it's not much

but here's a
(((hug)))

depression is so difficult.
i suffer from it too.
have you thought about seeing a doctor
for therapy and/or medication?
it really helps....

i hope you feel better soon twizz

 

Twizz keep ploughing through the endless-feeling dreary miserable SHITE and there will be a time in the future for you when you might realise that you're glad you're still around.

At 16 in terms of your mental space inside your head, you probably feel pretty much that you know what life has to offer in general, what you do and don't like and basically, you don't feel at all like an immmature child do you?

Well you're not a child in your own perception of the world. To you walking around in your head, you might even feel as if you're already 'past it' as you seemed to indicate. And when you feel that bad it's just as tough for you as it would be for an older "adult", and in some ways much tougher because it's hard for many people these days to take a depressed 16-year old very seriously when so many millions of people are on anti-depressants as it is.

I mention this age thing because I don't feel so much older now than when I was 16, but just...different. Looking back at my thoughts when I was say, only 12 or 13, I still can feel everything in my head as if I was an adult back then, so I'm not trying to tell you "you'll grow out of it", but just that if you stick with it, later in your life you'll probably have a time when you're happy to wake-up because there's something good in your life and you KNOW it...

There's almost nothing you can do, as a 16 year old, which time, society and your body won't forgive you by the time you're 18 or 21 etc..
Nothing that is, except suicide or something that physically hurts your body or brain in a very big way.
You could run away and live amongst a bunch of sheep, or join the army or become a gang member, or quit school and take drugs for years on end, but probably in most cases, if you wanted to progress later on, you could still do it and have plenty of time, to be a happy man in his 20's, so don't panic, you're not past your prime!

Don't stress quite so much about school, it can be your whole world at that age, but it is NOT the whole world! Do what you can, do your best but it's not the end of the earth even if you dropped out. Plenty of "drop-outs" become very succesful, happy etc.
Don't worry about people calling you gay, because there've been many men who were treated that way at school and never had a girlfriend etc.. but in later years, they are the ones the girls want because they value themselves and others and because of time spent in that type of suffering, you might actually think about things and be a relatively sensitive man.

I know this all probably comes across as being cheesy etc... so i'm sorry if it does, but it's like when people go on about love in movies etc.. when you're growing up. As a kid you think oh *puke* that's so much crap why does everyone talk about this. But then when you have your first crush on a girl in a big way, just looking in her eyes makes your heart feel like it's going to explode and then you suddenly understand that it's a real thing and very strong.

One more thing, sorry to be so long, I would also suggest if you ARE doing any drugs like pot etc.. that at your age while your brain is physically still growing etc.. that you see if you can stop at all. Pot can be very counter-productive for a young mind when trying to learn things for various reasons and also one of its less talked about side-effects which is very common, is a lack of motivation to do anything, even though you might feel a bit miserable because you're NOT doing anything.
I don't mind if people smoke, I don't think it's evil, but your brain is still developing in your skull till you're much older even past 18 and the stuff around these days is so strong most people are having massive doses of THC which isn't really neccessarily a good thing for someone who already feels miserable.

(Pretty boring right? No drugs, keep persisting in your unhappy state and just believe that you'll grow out of it..lol)

Hope you feel better at some point and that no-one flames me for being so stereotypical in trying to offer any type of reassurance and ideas. Some cliches are based on truth though.

 

i suffer from depression too and i know just how tough it is.
i can't really give you any advice but just don't do anything stupid.. hang in there man, suicide is never the answer..

*big hug*

 

Dear Twizz,

At 16 I was very depressed. Tried to kill myself 3 times. I am still dealing with depression, I am now 42. I tried to manage it on my own, sometimes it would work but I still was trying to kill myself (2 more times before I sought help). And as I got older it got harder and harder. About 5 years ago I finally got some treatment. I saw a therapist once a week and was starting to try different SSRI meds. It took 3 years of therapy (which at the end was once a month) and 300 mg of Welbutrin and 10 mg of Lexapro daily. I wish I had seeked help sooner. Sometime depression is only situational-like when someone close to you dies-this might work itself out. My depression is not circumstantial. I have it with me all the time. If I don't take the meds I sprial down so fast. Please talk to someone. Or try an online group (yahoo has some) you can say anything. Everyone on there will understand. At 16 I hated life. It does get better. Not easier, but better. I am hoping you will still be here tomorrow.

 

twizz my brother, life is somethign very very very beautiful. when we get wrapped up in our own situation, we dont let ourselves see the beauty that is UNCONDITIONALLY all around us, always, as every new morning brings a beautiful sunrise that spreads it's light upon the land. all the birds are chirpin, the morning dew is all on the lawn - and especially now that the temperature is dropping! It's beautiful. I too used to dwell too much on my own situation - just a man living in the mysted of alot of really ugly stuff. Life around us (human life and social life and whatnot - NOT nature) can sometimes be funky as ever, especially growing up in a highschool. It seems to me that you truly have a good heart, but you've been let down and blinded by so much ugliness in your day, that you lost direction. and this loss of direction is undetectable at such a young age. you might think you're not at a young age, but i promise you that you are. when i was 16 (speaking from where i am now, at 19) i wouldn't have even considered myself ALIVE. my thoughts and ways of percieving the world were NOTHING like they are now, and truly, i know that in 5 years i will be in another world of percieving things. i might then say that at 19 i wasn't truly ALIVE, but right now i do happen to think that i have a good head on my shoulders. at 16, i was caught up in the burdens of the world and especially society around me - and htis brought me down. as i matured and grew, i realized that life is something COMPLETELY beautiful, and that where our simply thoughts happen to be (and i can see that yours are in a bad place now), there are many other places our thoughts could be. dont expect to toss away all your negativity in a blink of an eye, because you'll be disappointed in yourself when some bad thoughts come into your head again - but KNOW that you're always growing, and that alllllll the UNCONDITIONAL love and happiness and peace is alllll around you, alwayssss, in nature. i dont know how spiritual you are, or how much you appreciate nature, but there is a bunch of love and peace always there, as it always has been. like i said earlier, our thoughts are where they are, but they DONT have ot be there!! there are INFINITE places our minds can be, and when we let our state of mind fixate in a negative place, our state of LIFE is fixated there too. slowly work on trying to see the beauty in everything, and dont let the negativity bring you down. you CHOOSE for it to or not, you know what i mean brother? i promise you if you surrender yourself to nature and it's beauty, and let out alllll your negativity, and truly let mother nature cleanse and purify you, that before you know it you'll see the Light of each day. tomorrow morning, the sun will rise again, bringing with it a BLANK canvas of a day. it's up to you to continue living how you were, dwelling in the past and in negativity, or if you want to pick up your hand and paint something beautiful on the day's blank canvas. that's the beauty of life - there are NO rules, NO boundaries, with what you wanna do with the day. it's alllll out infront of you, make the best of it. i promise you if you let some of the world's love fill your heart, that one day somone will understand you and you'll have an amazing amazing friend to join you on your journey. i have yet to truly find more then a few people who understand me, and see the Light of my heart... maybe you're just an old soul, and you're not fitting into your highschool surroundings. regardless what we thinkkkk the reaosn is - we'll never know - the only thing that is important is to let go of negativity, and cherish the beauty that is in every new day. you're a pure soul, you're not to blame - why get caught up in the burdens of those who should be to blame? free yourself brother, and enjoy the blessing every day has to offer, you diserve it. love ALWAYS, and love will see you through. your state of mind reflects your state of life. i wish you much love, i truly do. i'm sending a bunchhh out for you right NOW - it's in the air! just soak some up brother =). you'll be alright. tomorrow is a new day, and a week from now you'll still be living. a month from now too, and also in a few years, and so much more too!. there is a world out there for you - not one you necessary need to GRASP, but, just enjoy =) dont let people get you down - you're better then that. i can't tell you what should really matter to you, but i know it shouldn't be the thoughts of others. fuck them calling you gay - people called me gay too man, because i had love in my heart that they maybe didn't understand. dont let them drain you of that. and MOST importantly, never think you're unable of being repaired. dont fret of the past, each new day brings a BLANK canvas. love always man, and peace peace peace.

 

Its hard to do well in school if your so depressed, I mean the will to do the homework and stuff isn't there. It doesn't mean your dumb or lazy, it means depression is effecting you.

Don't worry about school. Highschool is not the highpoint of your life, highschool sucks ass. If people could arrange their lives on what they would do first and last, they would have retirment and being an adult first, and then childhood, then they'd have highschool and die.

Anybody that insults you is insecure about themselves, don't think much of them. If they insult you they don't deserve your respect, and you shouldn't respect what they said enough to care. People don't compliment each other that often anymore, I get like 2 compliments a year. If you compliment others they will compliment you. To compliment other people you need to think about what things they've done good.

Lastly, your life doesn't have to be going nowhere. You don't have to be stuck in the U.S. in some low end job and never do anything in your life.

Think about this, when your 40, and your somewhere talking to people, and theres somebody there who got straight A's and went to some collage, then they got a job and worked their ass off on some highpaying job so that they have a nice house, car, ect... Who will they want to meet?

You, whos been to other countries? See other cultures?

or

Them? About their kids and big house?

They'd want to talk to you hands down. Life isn't about how you do in school and how much money you make, its about being happy.

I don't have much advice to give you on making friends.

 

Those were good words about highschool becoming your world, when it is not the world at ALL. There is so much beyond your own little world of thought and sometimes you get caught up in it and forget how much really does exist outside of your limited teenager life. Believe me, I felt as limited and stuck in my life as you do at your age, and I imagine many teenagers do. You will be free of those limits though one day, so start dreaming up what it is you seek, what you value, what you SHOULD and WANT to do with your life, THAT is what is important. And what you are doing now is also important, and plays an important role in making your DREAMS come true.

It sounds like you are depleted of energy. People can do that to you with their negativity, and it is very, too easy to give into this, it is perfectly natural to accept judgements as realities, which is not true at all. Other things that can deplete energy are food, water, air pollution, and toxic environments. Try going vegetarian or eating healthier food, like organic food. Or try drinking some green tea, or yerba mate, and see if you are still feeling drained of energy. Maybe try meditating, and finding your love from within, instead of from other people. Remember, when you find love from within, you will NEVER run out, because that love inside you is infinite, it's God's love, the only true constant in life. It is also important to remember, that our energy does not come from nowhere. Our state of mind, our state of love for the world or love for a dream or for music or something, ANYTHING at all, can propel our beings into a very energetic and passionate state. You don't have to have friends or popularity to have love or passion, or creativity. Do you play music, write, draw? Writing often helps me sort my problems out, and oftentimes, I find once I write them, they seem so simple and small-minded that I jump right out of the rut I've dug myself. These things also help you get in tune with God and his flow and will, if that makes any sense.

I would also consider MagMan's thought's about nature. Great post too Mag ; )Nature really can do wonders for our state of mind, and if your lucky enough to have any around you that has not been destroyed with man made pollution, I highly suggest you take advantage of it before it's gone! Just give it a try like he said, open yourself up and nature really can melt all your problems into the wind, and just watch them soar away as you become light enough to soar with the wind yourself, and transform other's problems(if you pay attention, we ALL have pretty fucked up situations and thoughts here on this Earth) into the nothingness they really are!!!
Peace and love for you, brother.

 

Hi,

I am 16 and in high school also, I don't get tormented as much as you but I certainly know what it feels like. When people say shit to me I take it so personally and over analyze everything to the point that nothing turns into something and ruins my week. I've had people tell me to go kill myself and shit like that and taken tons of physical abuse at school which made me drop out of a class. But I am at the point now where I am just like ' FUCK EM ' . And I hope all the assholes die misserable deaths... but the nice people are the quiet ones that you never meet because the assholes outshine them. Im not saying this as a tip (dont do it) but I can tottaly see why all these kids are shooting up schools all over north America, because alot of teenagers are assholes and deserve it. Hey fuck em' hopefully they get shot in the head some day. But until then just go to school for these next few years and you will see that people grow up after high school. Wow getting that off my chest felt good....

I believe that every person is beautiful, except for bullies. (and im not gay,)
And I can tell that you are a good person...

Good Luck man ,

PS : im in canada too... the maritimes

 

holy fuck twizz. don't commit suicide. and i never knew you were depressed?? and you got kickass marks and one really good friend(Tom) is better than none. i guess i should stop calling you gay and shit. but haha ive seen some pretty warped arrows. jk. you'll get through it sooner or later. just hold on.

 

Things get better as you get older. Your life will be completley different in 10 years than it is now. you'll be a diffferent person. don't base your path in life on who you are as a teenager. maybe talk to your doctor, medication is a wonderful thing-I mean that it really helped with my social anxiety as soon as I was on it for awhile I felt like myself again.

 

17 is a bad age because you want to take on the World but the World isn't ready for you for another 20 years or so.So you mope & feel disillusioned.Maybe it's teenage-angst....I dunno......personally,me.....I thank God for every new day because God could stop the whole thing any time he feels like doing so.

 

you guys should really stop saying nice things to this depressed little boy... didnt you know, were not supposed to treat teenagers anything like humans on this forum???

 

19 is a teenager because its nineTEEN