im not talking with my boyfriend anymore. i swear, we cant go a few days without breaking peace in the house... then again, its almost playful when we make up, and even when we start, but wtf??? in addition to this, i have a feeling hes been poppin some pills and boozin more than usual lately =/ i hate bringin this up but godamn, he seems so distant from reality and understanding sometimes and i wonder who the fucked up one in this house really is sometimes. hes also boiling a lot of chlorine cuz he thinks it fixes the air, but it was actually used in WW2 as a nerve gas agent and i just know he hasnt been eating right lately. i also cant help but think hes got some bad karma followin him around just watchin the way he operates and the way life treats him sometime, but i cant say this and be understood at the same time. i see so many things wrong in his life and i feel at such a loss on how to describe and convey them, and make them count at the same time. i sometimes think a break and me getting away for a good long while is the only thing thats gonna wake him up or at least help him out, if thats even possible =/=/=/ i know if he just quit drinking, a whole WORLD of life would open up and he would be so much more clear and perceptive and alive...and ready to embrace so much more, i just know it. and i hate to fight around the holidays, but gooodamn. then i sordove feel guilty cuz i know if i worked on myself more, i know inevitably it would have a positive impact on the vibe in our house, and maybe this more my fault than anything. maybe if i ate healthy and gave up some addictions myself, i would be more clear to work WITH things consciously and realize the effects of my actions. its sad really, fucking depressing and heart wrecking truthfully. my life is such a mess and i really havent seen this, or anything as happening for a reason or really connecting lately. and you know, maybe its not, maybe i got that far off the path and maybe he's there pretty much right next to me right now. life has just dealt me a reaaally shitty hand and im feeling really lost right now i guess...fkcuckasjdfkajsdf..
