Just married and confused

Just got married back in June to my high school sweetheart i've dated for 3+ years. And you know, i don't know how or why but i was thinking that when we got married that the sex in our lives would be A LOT better. But no its been plain old missionary position, always on the bed, for about oh 2 1/2 years. Don't get me wrong its still worth it but everytime I even bring up the idea of trying some different she shoots it down faster than i can even say it. Hell i just would like to be able to do it more than once or twice a week, i'd like it twice in a day for once. I was so exited when she let me take a shower with her, thinking i'd be getting something in the tub but no, just a shower.

I want an active, health sex life with my wife but she's not even putting effort and i hate to put forth too much pressure and totally piss her off. I think i've tried everything my wits are good for to try and convince her, obviously to no prevail. I'm more or less afraid i'll be 25 and be total bored with sex and never really want it again. I've tried talking to her about this but all she says it she's not bored with it. Even tried getting her to watch porn with me but she says its just boring.

I'll quite rambling and let a few of you take a shot at my problem, thanks

 

That's what happens when you get married......Been there.......still there.

You have to find a way to unlock her latent sexual fantasies. Some nice touching and caressing should do the trick Get her real wet, and don't do her right away, but just keep foreplaying until she gives in and willing to get on top, fuck her against a wall etc. whatever you want. It works.

 

You read my mind twoseeyes. That's good advice you know. Play for a loooooong time. Don't go for it. Get her thinking coz it's the brain that makes it happen!!! He he...Been married so many times and no ex wife has ever stood up in court and said "He was crap in bed". I take comfort from that! And the knowledge that they still come looking for more! Yup get to her head and you'll get to her body!


Ben

 

How old is she? Has she been sexualy abused in the past? these two things are big factors in why she's not into it very much. When wemon get into thier 30's they, most of them, become alot more sexual. If she has had any abuse when she was little, even if she doesn't remember it, it could effect her in a big way.

 

she's 20, me being 21, i was the first boyfriend, and i really doubt she'd had any form of abuse in her life, nothing to suspect of anyway.

thx for the tips guys but i'm afraid i've been there and tried that, just doesn't work. She's almost all brains when it comes to getting in bed if that makes any sence. I'll play around with her for 20-30 minutes, hell one time i took a quick nap lol. Everytime damn time right back to the same shit, different day. Its just starting to become a waste of time cause i'm not getting much out of it anymore. Any other ideas you guys might have would be great...

 

If she wants you to be happy in bed she will eventually try something new. If i was you i would keep bringing up the subject. Ask her about her fantasies and maybe it will open her up to tryin new things.....

 

This is the type of thing in a Deary Abby column where the writer says that he/she found out that the wife/husband was gettin' it elsewhere, and so had no desire at home. I surely hope this is not the case with you, but you need to consider the possilibility and if possible, rule it out as a potential cause of this lack of interest in sex.


I guess that people can be wired differently, and it's possible that your wife is just one of those people who doesn't get much out of sex, so she's not into it, so then it's boring for you, so then you don't get much out of it... It's tragic.

I think you should see a marriage counselor or sex therapist. I know that it might be really hard to get her to even agree to it; since she won't talk this out with you, why would she talk to a therapist/stranger? But you have to try it. Things will not work out unless communication is opened up, and talking it out with a therapist stands to be a whole lot more productive than just laying a trip on her like, "Honey, our marriage is gonna turn to shit unless you start having more of a sex drive to match mine." But that's the reality of it. If she is someone who loves you, respects you, wants to please you, and wants you to be happy together with her, she has to do some of the work and help identify why you are not connecting on a sexual level.

Who knows, maybe she has such wild fantasies that she can't imagine you being willing to indulge them because they're so crazy?! (One can dream...)

In the worst case, you may learn that the two of you are not meant to be married together for the rest of your lives. It is better for you to find this out early so you can start again. I know a girl who split with her husband last year at age 32, with a son. It's a lot harder for her to start over than it is for 21-year-olds.

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey

 

Is she on hormonal birth control? That can screw up a woman's sex drive. Also, has she ever orgasmed? Perhaps that is why she isn't thrilled about sex...she doesn't get anything out of it. Do you ever go down on her? That could perk her right up.

 

damn i let my hubby take a "shower" with me every day. maybe she will lighten up a lil and eventually get comfortable with trying new thing........ hope all works out for ya =)
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Yeah I first thought she was getting it from somewhere else and then just too bored to do it with you. Hopefully that's not the case, but I've heard it turn out like that a lot...not to put a damper on things.

Now, everyone pretty much has said to talk about it with her, but if she shoots it down then obviously you can't talk about it. I say when you're actually having sex with, just try something really really small and suttle but different. I don't know if you do this already, but if it's not something you do, try to wrap her legs around you for example. Just something simple but different. And if you already do that, well you get my point, just anything different but nothing too off the wall just yet. And each time just add something to it, maybe she won't mind it and she'll let you get away with more. Don't ask, just do it (of course if she tells you to stop then stop).

I think the only thing you should talk about with her right now is maybe try to get her fantasises out of her like someone else said but don't talk about actual ideas you have for sex. If that doesn't work then try my first plan. If you get nowhere in quite a while then I say you tell her that the boring sex life is making you unhappy and you either want to know why she's not willing to try to make you happy or try to talk her into going to therapy. If she doesn't agree then you could always go by yourself and hopefully the therapist could give you even better ideas to try.

 

my condolences nova. I hope that things will get better soon. I agree with the people who have said simply change things up a bit in your love making. Start off subtle like with pulling her legs around you. I recommend that you look into the kama sutra for positions that are modifications of missionary/missionary like positions that you can go from your usual into something that may give you a bit of a different sensation. don't get too interesting at first, you might freak her out. But I'm sure that this will help... Maybe buy some honey dust and a little dusting feather. make fore play even more sensual... maybe that'll excite her... And of course find out what her fantasies are, I'm sure she's got something, start the talk very gently though cos it seems like she's not interested in talking about it. maybe speak to her while cuddling...make sure she's in a comfortable happy state.


I dont know what else to say, I hope I helped!

yours,
tracy

 

Give it some time. Were you her first? Take some of the suggestions that our friends posted for you. She is still young and trying to find herself

 

What did you give her? You should have spent a lot of time with the soap and washcloth lathering her all over, and then next time you're having sex. repeat the same motions without the soap and washcloth. Maybe she was trying to show you how to be a better lover to her but didn't know how to say it in words and you only thought of what could be in it for you.

Porn is just male fantasy. Did you think when you got married that your wife would start to act like a porn actress in bed? That's not how actual women behave. This is the very reason feminists complain men shouldn't watch porn. It makes them expect things of their wives that are degrading to women. You know that scene where the actress puts her legs in back of her ears? That's just so the camera can get a good angle for the money shot. It's not enjoyable for the woman.

The same with all the other stuff. It's not fun for the woman, so if that's what you're asking your wife to do, that's part of your problem. You should be thinking of things you can do to turn her on instead. Men are always going to be more turned on by sex than women. It is up to you to seduce her, not vice-versa.

 

I don't think it is marriage per se, just your wife has low sexual expectations. And a lack of experience other than what she can learn from you.

My wife was a virgin when we married, and we had similar issues. We always did different positions, but she was reluctant about oral sex and a few other things.

The sorts of discussions you should be having are not 'you never want to try another position' but 'we could get a lot of pleasure out of more variety'. Never talk sex with the word 'you' in it.

Female sexuality is different to male. Porn films won't do it to most women. Written erotica might. Reading a sexy story in bed may get her hot. Romantic movies with a sex scene can also do it. My wife got really turned on by the sex scene at the end of the movie Cold Mountain. The scene was tasteful, a little explicit, and very relevant to the story line. A few movies have done that to her.

What should do it is romance. Bring home a little gift - flowers or jewellery. Don't forget to hug her anytime and tell her how much you love her. A romantic man can also convince a woman how much he would love to 'pleasure' her. How much joy it would bring him to take his loved one to the heights of extascy. How he loves to give pleasure and feel her squirm with delight in his hands.

That's what did it with my wife. Romance and sweet talk moved us from straight sex with a variety of positions to all normal sexual combinations including lots of oral, mutual oral, massaging each other, playing games and so on.

Mark from Australia

 

You guys are married - at the very least you should be able to talk about these issues. If you can't even talk about sex and your relationship, then I can't see how you are ever going to develop real intimacy in your sex life.

IMHO the problem isn't in the bedroom - it's in basic communication between you.

 

Sex for a woman is a very emotional thing much more than physical, while with men, it's vice versa.

Keep in mind her general happiness, how her day was, how the "friendship" and companionship part of the relationship is. You have to make her feel like you are her best friend and she is yours, that you love her, that you like her... that you find her beautiful... this means being someone she wants to have sex with outside of the bedroom too. You can't be gone at work all day long, or sit on your butt and watch tv for a few hours, or do a million things a day that bug her like leaving laundry everywhere and then expect her to be hot to jump in bed with you as soon as you start feeling pressure in your pants.

While it's true that marriage usually kills a sex life after a while, it's also true that if done right, and the marriage is worked at (the WHOLE marriage not just the sex), then the sex can continue to be great. I've been married for almost 5 years and sex gets better and better as time goes on, especially the more I communicate with my husband about my wants and needs, both in and out of bed, and he listens.

Our first year or two together sucked, sex-wise. Things were a lot like you described in your first post. We had a lot of growing and learning to do, and we've been through a lot of crap, but fortunately my husband learned to listen and understand what I needed at least a little bit so that helps a lot.

The rest of your marriage needs to be healthy before the sex life is... the sex life is just a barometer of the health of your marriage, usually.

 

Exactly. She's your queen, treat her like one Don't expect sex, work for it!

 

Sounds like my marriage at first, sex was low on her list, but when she hit her mid thirties, I'm the one saying no! With women their sex drive is in their head, try being romantic, candlelit dinner, soft music, lots of kissing and touching, think of pleasing her not yourself, and if everything goes right she will please you. I always said marriage is 50/50 you give she takes. But a woman gets turned on in her mind. Yes porn may turn her on if she is thinking about it, but a guy is visually turned on a woman isn't. Try talking to her, let her know what you are thinking, when you do have sex do you please her or just yourself. Tell her you feel like santa clause coming only once a year Remember marriage isn't about sex it is about caring for the other person. Sex is just the side benefit.
Good luck