I really don't know what to think.

Okay, so it's late at night, but I just got home....so this might make little sense.

I went for a walk with a good friend, "john", (probably the best friend I have), and I came out and said I was gay. He said he had an idea because I'm dropped hints before, and said he didn't care either way; he even admitted that he "might" be gay. So we're sitting at the bus stop and we're having some pretty good conversations about life, sexuality, etc. After about an hour, so decided to go back to the party and see what was going on.

We got back, and my friend "john" immediately became introverted and said almost nothing. He's like this sometimes when he has a lot on his mind and doesn't want to express it rationally to other people. So I don't think anything of it and had a little tea and just focused on talking with other people.

Finally, some people headed upstairs and just sat around. He sat on the floor, facing opposite of me, and generally said nothing again. He would routinely close his eyes, and then open them and look at me (mostly) and then look around. I didn't really know how to decipher this AT ALL.

"John" suddenly said he wanted to be alone to talk with "Julie". Now, I know this other friend, "Julie", but she's not exactly somebody I would share secrets with. Before I left the room I told him, "Don't tell her anything you'll regret." He replied with, "Why would you be ashamed of who you are?" When he's in this reflective mood of his, an answer that direct is pretty unusual. So immediately I knew what he was talking about.

He was talking to her for about 20 minutes while everybody else was in the other room. At about 1:20AM, my ride said he needed to get home. I poked my head in the room and "John" told me, "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute." He said it in a morbid tone, one that wasn't exactly happy, persay. On the ride home, he said nothing to me.

I have no fucking idea what to do. I could have singlehandedly ruined a firm, strong friendship. He is the only person I can really talk to, you know? Our outlook on life and society is similiar, and we share the same values. He is a VERY open person, so it's not like he's being close minded. I guess I just opened up a door that forced him to deal with his own questions. I'm afraid things will never be the same.

His emotional state is so fragile already; I feel like shit....If I ruin this friendship, I'll have nothing...

 

Maybe your talk set his mind into questioning where he is sexually. You said that he said that he might be gay. If he really hasn't confronted it before it could be daunting. At least it was for me at that stage of realization.

I supose that there is also the possibility tha if he is repressing he could be worried about being "gay by assocaition" since you 2 are close friends. I know it's goofy but I have heard of that typically most concerned are those who are still in the closet to themselves.

Then again you just came out to him. That can be quite a bombshell. he may have said that he already knew but was just putting on a btave face so to speak.

You know him & his actions better than I could hope to. What do you think is going with him really? I suspect that he just needs to absorb any or all of these things.

 

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Yeah, I think his reaction at the party was more about him than you. I mean, weren't you just asking us how do ppl know you're gay. And you are sitting at a party having a conversation with another gay boy? We have been told so many lies about gay ppl, which we know for ourselves isn't true, but you do have to deal with your own internal homophobia. Sounds like he had a minor tweek. Understandable. I expect he'll get over it soon.

No they won't, but isn't that what you wanted when you came out to him? It doe's change things, often for the better.

And perhaps John came out to Julie, and that's what they talked about; perhaps he is afraid that your relationship will become sexual; perhaps he's afraid your relationship won't become romantic. Gosh, now I'm getting goofy.

Reassure John that your relationship hasn't changed and remind him of the things that you value. Like you told us. He is the only person you can really talk to. Your outlooks on life and society are similiar, and you share the same values. Also affirm that he is a VERY open person, and that is a rare commodity.

His emotional state is so fragile, that may be true, but are you projecting?



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give him some time and space, I don't believe it is a bad as you may think.

What Hipunk said ... reassure "John" that you value your friendship with him and he is the only person you can really talk to, those are good words.

good luck,
peace
bob

 

I agree with everyone else. Just give him a little space, then just hang out with him. Just as him what was wrong. Tell him everything you told us. I'm sure he values your friendship as much as you do, so everything will be fine. Just tell him that you don't want anything to change in the friendship. best wishes.

 

Thanks for the replies...

I'll probably hang out with him tonight. I dropped by his house last night to drop something off, and he seemed pretty "normal"...

 

I was wondering what happened... Did everything turn out alright?

 

Well, when I saw him last night...it was a bit awkward, looking back. I didn't see him at all tonight, so I don't know yet. I hope it'll work out.

He's almost never at home, so it's hard to get ahold of him when he's not around; (but he's around a lot).

 

well good luck, i hope everything works out well.

 

thanks, man.

 

yeah man, the best of luck and I hope things work out for you.

peace out,
bob

 

Well, unfortunately, I think I fucked things up.

I don't really know what it is, but I don't really think he wants to open up to me like he did before. I think it's because he's thinking about his sexuality more and more...but it's pretty damn strange.

I was driving him home (there was somebody else in the car, so we couldn't "talk"), and right before we left, a friend of his ("Julie") said "are you going to tell..." (something like that)....but then he cut her off. She then said to call her cell phone when he got home. I can only speculate, but I'm sure he was "supposed" to tell me something. He didn't, by the way....

So at this point I've just given up. If things aren't going to be the same, then it'll have to be that way.

 

dude, that sucks. I can't really say that I understand the position you're in, but i hope you feel better. I have only come out to girls, because I was worried that awkwardness and situations like this would arise. It sucks not being able to tell some of my best friends, however, I think you made the right choice, and I'm sure after he has some time to think about it, your friendship will revert back to the way it was before.


good luck man, and try not to let it bother you.

 

I was really frustrated, because there was a perfect opportunity to talk about the situation; but of course, somebody had to tag along and ride with us.

It's not that I think he's trying to shy away from me because I'm gay; I think it's more of a situation with himself that's coming between us. I know he'd be open to talk it out...but it has to be at the right time. You don't know how pissed I was when there was NO time for us to be alone....I had been waiting for days already.

well...the wait game continues. I think I'll go have a smoke or two...at least they're good for something.

I'll keep you guys updated.

 

So, he went upstairs and faced his arse tords you? Sounds like he's gay too, and won't admit it.

 

Dude....fuck off. I've had enough of your shit in the YH forums.

 

yeah, cigarettes are very nice; unfortunately they're unhealthy too.

yes, keep us informed. I'm interested to find out what will happen once you get a chance to talk to him alone.

 

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It sounds like you are reading every flinch and every breath and you'll just drive yourself crazy.

So this must be the same Julie from the party? Who said "are you going to tell..." to John? Who the hell knows what that is suppose to mean. Tell you he told Julie that you're gay? Tell you he's gay? Tell you he has a crush on you? Like I said before, now I'm getting goofy.

Try to relax. Give it some time. If he's been avoiding you or the situation, then you have to wait for him to come to you. I wish I could tell you how cool you are, but John must know that too.

Maybe this Christmas break will give him time to think about things. When he's ready to talk, he'll let you know. All in due time. You need to give it a rest, dude.

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Opps, double post.

Well, I wanted to add that the best time to talk to a dude is when you're half occupied with something, like a chess game or card game or, as dumb as it sounds, leggos. That way you have something to fill up the awkward pauses and it doesn't feel like there's a confrontation.

I mean, you ask a question and the other dude has a chance to fiddle around and think and get ahold of his emotions before he has to commit to answering anything. Does that make sense?

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Sometimes the right thing to do is the most difficult thing to do. In this case, I would recommend acting as if absolutely nothing between the two of you has changed.

When I first started coming out to people, it was to guys who I thought (or quite frankly, hoped) were also gay. On one level, I was certainly hoping that things would be different from then on.

Your friend doesn't seem to know quite what to make of things, and I can't say that I blame him. He may want someone to talk to about all things gay, an ally. He might also want a romantic relationship. It's the not knowing that will drive both of you nuts. And asking him directly might really make him shut down completely.