My girlfriend just broke up with me recently. Her reasoning- she didn't feel taken care of, like she did everything, like call me, and plan everything. I just know that I was too passive, and I really want to fix that, but I just don't know how. Any suggestions?
Ummm... Be more assertive and take initiative in doing things with your partner? It's OK to be polite and let your girl make decisions. That's a very nice gesture. But a relationship is a two-way street, and your partner might soon become irritated with your "over-generousity", if you will. Either that, or you're just too lazy to get too involved, but I'd like to believe your case was because of the former. I think you have to know how to balance being assertive and being receptive. FREQUENT communication with your partner is VERY important in achieving this. And don't be afraid to make suggestions as to what you want to do with her. If she doesn't want to do something, the worst that can happen is she'll tell you so. Don't let that get you down either. Just keep making suggestions, and LISTEN to her AT THE SAME TIME. Yep, communication. It's a good thing.
Make decisions seriously, it drives us girls crazy to have to make every goddamn decision. ie where to eat, where to go, when to meet, when to call, etc. Doesn't mean you have to make every single decision, but make a conscious effort for it to be more 50/50 at least. When she asks you a question or for a decision, come up with a suggestion. My last bf never once suggested a place to eat when I asked him where he wanted to go, he just said "I dunno". It DRIVES ME CRAZY. er, maybe that's just me though. It takes work, it takes a conscious effort to not just go "I dunno" or "maybe" or "sure". But surely you have an opinion on things, you want to call your girlfriend and show her that you're interested in her right? Maybe not now, but future girlfirends.... not calling them suggests to most girls that you aren't interested in them.. doing all the pursuing is going to drive any rational person insane (and even most of us irrational ones)
dont change, it depends on the person. if you want to be something you're not, strive to change...but if you're happy with yourself, just do what comes naturally. some women need to have attention ALL the time, and some will feel smothered if you call every day. wherever you are on the spectrum, you're what someone else needs and wants. don't sweat it, but treat your girl well. personally i'm of the mindset that if i'm with a girl and i really care about her, i'm going to try to go out of my way to make her feel like a queen....get her flowers or small gifts on whims just because, speak sweet words and tell her she's beautiful and i love her, etc. of course, i dont advocate doing this just so you can get laid regularly for a longer period of time. i'm not going to tell a girl i love her if i dont, and i dont think other people should lie to or "trick" their lover into staying with them. like i said, if you dont want to change, dont sweat it because there's still bound to be some maintenance-free girls out there. i know plenty. you may just not have been a good match, you know? but if you honestly want to change (because you dont like what you are, rather than because SHE didnt like what you are) then you need to just sit down and think about what makes you who you are, and think about how you act in a relationship, then figure out what you could do differently. writing and keeping a journal helps a lot of people with this type of stuff. but in actually changing your behavior, you need to be with someone to do it. you can't just flip a switch in your head...you need to change your habits and that can't be done without ACTING against those habits.
you gotta show an interest. even if you think you're being nice by letting her make all the decisions, and ppl definitely appreciate having a voice, after a while it makes one start to wonder if you would even call if they didn't call you first. what would happen if she didn't call you for a week? would you ever try calling her? maybe you'll find a girl who LIKES to make ALL the moves and decisions and run the relationship herself, but most people don't like that.
this kind of describes what i went through with my ex-boyfriend (wow.. never gotten to call someone an ex before.. anyways...) it was a long distance thing.. and i just so happen to be the kind of girl that needs reassurance.. not like constantly.. but regularly.. and i was freaking out and thinking that he was losing interest because i was the one who always did the calling - and i told him all of this.. now, mind you his roommates had a much crappier long-distance plan than i do.. and if he'd actually called me, i would have hung up and called him back so that the charges would have gone to me.. but that's not the point. the point is that i wanted him to call me once in a while so that i would be <theres that word again> reassured that he wasn't losing interest in me... but evidently he was because he broke up with me anyways because apparently he had too much other shit going on and i needed more than what he could give me.. or whatever (nope, not bitter at all :$ )
