Hey everyone... this is my first post so be gental wid me This is my delema... i will stat from the begining Well i will start with i do have a girl freind that i have been with for the last 5 years.. but over the last few years i have had a few gay tendencies.... Anyway a few months ago I got drunk with one of my very good mates and we ended up having a few sexual relations.. the next day it was like nothing happened and nothing was said about it.. It played on my mind so i talked to him about it on msn.. he swears and declares that he cant remember... well i told him i wouldnt mind if it happened again and he was like no it cant.. I fronted hiim about it again and he addmitted that he wouldnt mind if it did happen... Well it did happen again and he reckoned he was happyish with it all.. it kept happening over the last few months and i kept asking if he was happy with it casue i wanted to be sure he was... Anywho i ended up a bit more than attached to him i guess, then he meet a girl and decided it was all over and that was it... never to happen again.. Well as u could prolly understand this has and near is killing me.. I have jsut tried to space myself from him and not see him, but he still wants to be mates like nothing ever happened...... but i cant do this as it kills me to think of him with this chick let alone see him with her... He keeps tellin me that he now thinks that he doesnt like the hole thing and thats why its not happening... Wat do u guys think of my lil problem??? Do u reckon he is gay and just doesnt want to admit it or maybe he isnt and he just had to figure it out???
I think you keep your space from him for a while. It doesn't sound like he wants a relationship, whether it be sexual or emotional. Just try to avoid hanging out with him for a while.
It sounds like this guy is feeling major guilt. He's probably bisexual, or else gay and totally unable to come to terms with it. Your best bet is to try to find as many gay men as possible--at the very least as friends. You're more likely to find someone who will be everything you need and deserve among gay men. You yourself may well be bisexual, but it sounds like you need to explore the side of you that is into men. Be as gentle with yourself as possible, and be honest and gentle as far as possible with everyone.
. First off, I think tendency might be a lame word considering you're pining over a man. I am interested to know what your girlfriend thinks of all this. But you write asking for advice about you and your mate. He says he's not gay or bi or what ever. Take him at his word, well, because you gotta. He's with a girl now. He doesn't want to have sex with you. The question shouldn't be "is he gay," Because only he knows that for sure. I mean, some dudes in prison will have sex, but when they get out it's strictly pussy. That doesn't mean they're gay, or even bi. If you take your mate at his word, then all you know is that your experience was profoundly different than his. That is sad. He still wants to hang with you, but that's painful. (Again what's up with your girlfriend?) Maybe that will change, but for now you can't do it. You need to make that clear to him. Listen, shit happens. You don't have to burn your bridges, but you can tell him you can't see him till you have time to heal. That you will call him when you're ready. But remember, he didn't do anything wrong. So no reason to punish him. Plan on a time, so you don't leave him hanging. Like six months. Tell him you'll call him in six months to get together and see where you're at. Circle the date. You'll get together for a pint and hopefully have a few laughs and you can be friends again. Then take it from there. You know, the golden rule with f**k buddies is that you don't fall in love. Because here's what happens: what happens is usually one doesn't fall in love and the other gets hurt. It sucks being the other. But it sucks being the one too, because you usually lose a friend. .
It sounds like the early stage of starting any sex life - it can happen to people at 25 just as easy as 15. Your partner has second thoughts for whatever reason and now wants to be just friends. I tend to agree with Mushie and SageDreamer both on your best course. Remember that you are in the early stage and be gentle with yourself. Good Luck
Thanks ppl for the replies... I never planned for it to happen like this and it has just cnfused me so much with some of hte shit that happened and he told me... Yep wats with my girl freind.. i dunno either.. i am very lost atm and its got me fucked wat to do... I wish i could still be freinds with him but like i said i really cant stand to c him, i have treid meeting up with him a few times jsut to "be mates" but i can harldy talk to him now. always playing on my mind. It has already been 3 months and i think i feel worse now than i did then.....
. crank, you may never be able to be friends with him. Sex changes everything, and sometimes it's just like that. I don't know what to say, except it's a tough break. I don't know what he said or what happened between you, but I doubt it will ever be the same. You can't wait for him to change his mind. You can't just sit there like an open wound and wait for something to happen. You gotta have a game plan. That's why I suggest a separation. You seem to be focusing on yourself, so lets focus on you. Three months wouldn't be enough time for me to be away from somebody I was crushed on, that's why I said 6. I mean, 6 months will be time to get on with it. You don't have to call him, or write him for gosh sake. Just count from the last time you saw or talked to him -six months. Circle that date. If and when he contacts you before that time tell him that you need to be away from him for awhile and give the date. You don't have to explain why. But he should know, right? You can explain it to him, but don't use that as an excuse to "check in on him" and ring him up. Give it time. In 6 months you should know. Maybe you won't be able to be friends with him ever again. Sometimes it's like that. It'll be easier to tell him that after you've had a chance to heal and get on with it. That's the prescription for getting over unrequited love. Once you have circled the date on the calendar, then try to put the dude as far out of mind as possible. Go different places. Hang with different people. Read a different book. Go to a gay coffee shop and see if you can talk with somebody about it. Call a help line or write a letter and burn it. Give it time and space. Get your mind off of it. And it will feel better. What you are feeling now is a result of the feelings you had for him. What that tells me is that you are capable of loving a man with your heart and soul. You lucky bastard. .
I would say that he is in denial, whether he enjoyed it or not. If he did enjoy it, he is now in a stage of denial because he feels guilt concerning his homosexuality and is trying to prove to himself he is not gay by dating a woman. If this is the case, distancing yourself from him might allow him to realize how much he really cares about you and he will finally accept who he is. If he did not enjoy it, he is still in denial because he believes what he did was wrong and is now overcompensating by abandoning the problem and refusing to address it. In this case he should probably be distanced from as well so that he has time to work out the events from yourself. It sounds to me that you are ready to be real with yourself, and he is not. If you think that's the case, then any relationship you will try to have with him (sexual or platonic) will fail because he is not at the same level as you. He has to get real with himself and address the issue head on (whether or not he enjoyed it is irrelevent so long as he can discuss it without abandoning the issue) before any real relationship can be established.
I know wat u are saying Hipunk but its not really that easy... He does keep msging me every so often and where im from is a small place and we will bump into each other..... I need a new life i tell ya!!!!
. The more you stay in contact the harder it's going to be for you to get on with it. It's like picking at a wound. You gotta leave it alone so it will heal. Bandage it up. And I don't care how small your town is, there's gotta be more than one pub around. Yeah, it'll be hard, but it will get easier. Maybe you can't avoid him all the time, but you can leave a store if he walks in. I am serious. But you don't have to change the origianal 6 month date because you saw him on the street corner. You're avoiding him, he isn't avoiding you, per say. Next time he msg's you send him a message back that tells him that you cant talk to him for a while; that it's too hard for you right now; that you need time to mend; that you'll ring him in 6 months. Give him the date. If he wants to know why, well -he should know why, right? And if he want's to talk to you right now about it? That sounds like it would be good for you to talk to him one on one. But don't expect him to say what you want him to say. There's a remote chance of that. And don't expect him to say that he is going to leave his girl, that's remote too. But you will have a chance to tell him how you feel and that you need to move on and that's why the 6 months separation is imperative. If you just can't talk to him right now, tell him that. But stick to your guns on the 6 month plan starting from when you message him back. But like I said, that's my prescription for dealing with unrequited love. I don't know what you want from him actually? What would make it okay? You want him to tell you he's in love with you but we'll keep it on the down low? That he will leave his girl but you can stay with yours? You say you're confused but I don't have all the facts, and I wonder if you're listening to what you know but aren't telling us. Being gay or bi in a small town is difficult. That's why a lot of queer folk leave for the cities. But plenty do stay. It can be done. I am worried for you crank. Your issue isn't likely to disappear. Sounds like it would do to talk to somebody who can help you sort through this. Like a therapist. Get on-line and look for the nearest GLBT group to you. Even if that's 2,000 miles away. Seek their advice on groups or therapists in your area. You may only need one appointment -I'm not saying you're crazy, just that you need to settle your heart and you could use honest support in that. .
. Gay Men's Health, U.K. has information for gay and bisexual men: Coming out and Staying Out . Austrailia GLBT Resources: Young Adult Health (18-25), has a site from Children, Youth and Women's Health Service of Australia, they offer Coming out information. And a Resources directory: scroll down the page there are listings for phone numbers for The Inside Out Project for guys under 26 yrs old. (the InsideOut site they provide has an applet that crashes my browser) . La Trobe University has a site for the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society. They used to carry a link to a home page for Same Sex Attracted Youth (SSAY), which I can't seem to find. You could try contacting them directly with a request for information, their contact info is listed in the navigation column at the bottom left. They also provide a link to Gay and Lesbian Health Victoria, with a contact page. Though they seem to be interested at this site in publishing information for health care providers, they would have somebody there who could help you find such a councilor, group or therapist. (info@glhv.org.au ) Check with Pinkboard - Australia's Legendary GLBT Website , there's a classified section, Help and Advice: You could post a request there, if you don't find the information you need in the listings. Good Luck
Thanks Hipunk... I will see how i go... I knew from the begining this wasnt gunna be easy.. but i guess i got too far in... I'll go with the 6 month thing first and see how i go... I'll keep yas informed.. even talkin to u guys is a help..
Well I did it.. he tried to talk to me tonight on msn.. so i told him that i didnt wanna see or talk to him for like 6 months.. it was one of the hardest things i have ever done.... But git this.. no sooner did i tell him that and he reckoned it was a good idea and he started talkin to me bout cars n shit like nothing had changed!!!! got me fucked... makes me wonder really:$.. but fuck i hope this works.. thanks for ya help guys.. talk to yas soon.. hopefully bout something good goin on instead of bad.... Just got a few more probs to sort out now.........................
