These mind games get me so down...

Well, being in an all-boys Catholic High School has it's perks...

We're doing sexuality in my religion morality class and the central focus is obviously homosexuality. (Especially since it's all-boys and we're seminary oriented, so they try and influence us to avoid homosexuality).

Anyway, typical usual arguments.

Religious arguments- God made creation through man and women, not same-sex, so all other sex laws regarding religion oppose that, then.

Therefore, there's the psychological level to back it up- It's been psychologically proven that boys and girls become gay from dysfunctional childhood development between the ages of 1-6 for whatever reasons.
Now in terms of religion, it's our job to remain chaste and avoid this "disorder," whether it's through therapy, prayer, etc etc.

So now that it's a psychological condition, they believe everyone is really born straight, blah blah blah...

It's just very discouraging because it's like, well what if this is all true? And what if it's all because of psychological problems? Like I don't want to be gay because I had psychological issues or whatever...It's as if I was corrupted or I have this disease...

I mean every case is different, so I'm sure there could be psychological issues, but...Wasn't it scientifically proven that homosexuality is a result of a hormonal chemical imbalance before you're born?? You don't see people condemning mentally challenged people for their "disorder," even if they do something messed up...

All of this religion and psychology crap is getting to me...I just don't want to be a result from sick and twisted psychological disorders..Thinking of it that way makes me feel like I'm messed up in the head and worthless....

 

Their classes are working apparantly... It shouldn't matter how you're gay. I'm assuming it's something you cannot change so you might as well ignore their opinions. You'll be out of this school soon, and will be able to experiment, and live the world with out all of the religious bullshit(if you so chose). Stay positive, don't let them make you feel bad.

 

"You don't see people condemning mentally challenged people for their "disorder," even if they do something messed up..."

I have to chime in here.

Actually, you do. People condemn us (I have a neurological disorder) whether we mess up or not. We are discriminated against and unjustly traumatized. We are used as cruel examples and insults, such as...

"You must ride the short bus."

"Your retarded"

"That is the class for retarded kids...special needs."

 

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The catholic church is messed up and based on lies and hatred.
At one time they killed you for saying the world revolves around the sun, because everybody knows that the bible says the sun revolves around the world! Well, it took them 500 years to admit they were wrong and apologize for that. I feel sorry for anyone who places their faith in the Catholic Church.

Maybe in another 500 years the Catholic Church will ask the gay community to forgive them for their current corruption of the truth. Sorry, but they're just a bunch of crazy bastards. Try to ignore them and look forward to the day you'll be released from that mind jail.

Christians should quit throwing stones at the gay community and pay more attention to the sins of the 10 commandments: especially 2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Speaking for God, using God to spread hate is taking His name in vain. And heed Paul's letter to the Corinthians, do not admonish people who aren't of the Christian faith because they aren't "proper" Christians.

See: religious tolerance org


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Jesus said "Love thy neighbor as thyself for love of Me." He never said "Unless thy neighbor is gay."

'Nuff said.

 

Although I am almost 100% sure that being gay is not merely psychological, I can also say so fucking what if it is?

I know that the life that I live is NOT wrong, in fact I can say that the life I live is much more fulfilling, enlightening and contributive to the world than any homophobe's ever could be. If it takes a psychological disorder to create that, then I'm proud to be insane.

I went through the same questioning phase. The point is, you have to just throw away any advice from anyone who has an agenda to fulfill (that would include pro-homosexual agenda as well as the church) and just follow yourself. Otherwise, you will always be hesitant to commit to an OUTSIDE idea, and you will always be in a constant struggle to choose between these warring ideals. Do you feel that you have a disorder? Moreover, if you do have a disorder, is it causing you harm other than the response people have to it?

This is how I see it:

"The homophobic non-empathetic male leaders of this world who believe man was granted dominion over the earth by God are doing everything in their power to butt-rape this planet. However, this planet is far smarter than we are. I believe she has presented a solution. If the current state of men cannot discover compassion for this planet on their own, the earth will bear males who are made up entirely of compassion, emotion, empathy, and impeccable taste in shoes. It's this sort of theory and philosophy that kept me virtually anonymous in the eyes of pop culture."
-Maynard James Keenan, lead singer of Tool

 

White Raven, I was touched when I read your post.

LogsOS, I find it really difficult when I can't decide whether I believe something or not, or even whether I should be ashamed of myself or not.

I find I have habitual messages, which, although unarticulated in actual words in my mind, start to support belief systems like "There is something wrong with me."

You may find that although you'll argue and argue and argue--"There's nothing wrong with me" vs. "I'm psychologically sick" for example--all you will be experiencing and feeling during those arguments is a tear. An internal conflict, a rip, widening the more you try to argue your way out of it.

The only way I've been able to address that tear is to acknowledge it and notice it without judgement. Notice that you are concerned that there is something pyschologically wrong with you, and perhaps that you are afraid and ashamed of that. Notice it with the curiousity of a child! "Ah! I have this fear inside me!" Really feel the feeling--do not try to change it or suppress it. What does feeling fear or shame really feel like?

Just notice, and see what happens.

 

"Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood."
~Kahlil Gibran

You say that the mind games get you down---so then don't involve yourself with them. I live in North Carolina and go to school with many ultraconservative lunatics, who I used to try to debate (and obsessed in my mind constantly over their incorrectness). But I soon realized that that path only dragged me down, and I could utilize my time in much more productive ways.

So now, I hear hateful comments everyday but I choose not to engage them. Why? First, by acknowleging their hate you are only giving it power. Second, I know that I walk a path in life and I can walk that path with or without anyone around me. I don't have to explain or justify myself to anyone, and neither do you.

You can sit in that class and actually listen to their frivolous nonsense, but in the end you will not be satisfied if you accept it or reject it. You will only be satisfied when you are independent to such a degree that their opinion is irrelevent to you.

Think of it this way---if you had a disorder would you be here, concerned over the fact that you might have a disorder? Does a schizophrenic come onto the internet all messed up because he is worried about his condition? Not usually. Your discomfort is a direct result of letting others tell you about yourself--who died and made them the expert on homosexuality?

And it's true that many homosexuals are mentally disturbed--so are heterosexuals. But the reason that the impression that homosexuals have a mental disorder lives on is because they have created a disorder among us. Their hatred has forced us into the shadows, and because of this we retreat into a world of shallowness and pathetic living, and this is why the AIDS virus is so prominent and many homosexuals have commitment issues: not because it is built into them, but because they are simply being forced into these stereotypes in the same way many racial subcultures are forced into gang violence by the white rulers. People will always fulfill the stereotypes made for them by the ruling class. That is why I feel it is imperitive that we learn to be independent thinkers--we are bleeding as a people. And only recently was a great movement begun in which we are gathering together to celebrate ourselves and our journey.

You have a long road ahead of you in terms of shedding off this baggage, and I hope that you do shed off the baggage because it is only then that you can see who you truly are. I won't spout of cliches like always love yourself and soforth, but I will say that you must learn that you have a purpose and that your distinction from the norm is part of it. Only you must see that you are the only one that walks your path, and you choose where it begins and ends. Do you want it to begin--and end--with a mental disorder?

"A thousand years is but an instant. There is nothing new, nothing different, same problems, over and over. The same clowns. The same music. There's nothing here for me now, nothing at all. Now I remember this happened to me before. This is why I left. You have begun to find your answers. Although it will seem difficult, the rewards will be great. Exercise your human mind as fully as possible, knowing that it's only an exercise. Build beautiful artifacts, solve problems, explore the secrets of the physical universe, savor the input from all the senses, feel the joy, the sorrow, the laughter, the empathy, the compassion. I remember where I came from and how I became a human, why I hung around, and now my final departure schedule. This way out. Escaping velocity. Not just eternity but infinity."
~Richard Linklater

*Hope I wasn't too preachy. I get kindof worked up on this issue. ;D

 

Yes... immense wisdom. lol, I think growing theories have got to sound preachy at times, don't they? Thanks raven.

 

Thanks for your insightful comments, everyone.

I'll just have to tough it up for the rest of my Senior year and hope for the best when College comes around.

Life's a whole learning process, so maybe in the end what I hear now will only make me stronger to believe more in myself in the end.